An audience screams and claps for Chris Harrison, who struts out and asks who here wants to see Emily find the love of her life. People yell and applaud in a way that you might if you, you know, actually knew Emily and had actual emotional investment in her happiness, as opposed to your weird needy desperation to have television people fill some sort of void in your life.
Harrison rattles off the list of losers who will be back tonight to pad out two hours before the padded THREE-HOUR finale on Sunday night, which has to be breaking some kind of law somewhere. I need to get my legal team on that.
Anyway, Harrison sits down with Emily to talk about the rejects, like Ryan, and Kalon, and other guys who say stupid things like "Don't get fat after we get married" and "Ricki is baggage" and "I would like to audition for The Bachelorette, please." How much of this do we need rehashed? There's also Doug, who stuck his tongue down Emily's face while she was dumping him, a French kiss Hail Mary that only made everyone, including the audience, feel bad about themselves.
Well, not the studio audience, which keeps bursting out in totally-spontaneous-and-not-at-all-coached applause. I'm not sure that anyone willing to be seen actually attending a Bachelorette taping is capable of feeling shame.
I do appreciate Chris Harrison's constant references to "America" and "viewers across America" because it makes me feel like I, a Canadian, are exempt from culpability somehow.
And now there are some REALLY EXCITING blooper clips, like when Emily spilled a tablespoon of wine on her dress and then swore in front of her date, who is a guy named Joe who I don't remember ever seeing in my life. And then there was a scene where Travis made her sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to his stupid egg, and also an extended "Travis has a ridiculous accent" montage, capped off by him attending an ostensibly Irish accent (for Shakespeare, for some reason) that I'm reasonably certain was some kind of hate crime, which is probably why it never aired.
Somewhat amusing is the "Chris is a terrible dancer" montage, and this was obviously not aired because it would have blown cerebral cortexes around North America for its awfulness. Emily tells Harrison she can do a really good running man, and he offers her "four dollars" (heh) to do it right now, and then she swears but this time it's a callback to her embarrassment at having sworn in front of her date (Joe, that guy who I think just filmed some new scenes for this episode to see if we're paying attention).
And now we are getting a Bachelor Pad commercial, and since I am recapping that week, I see no reason to discuss it now, except to point out that Bachelor Pad makes The Bachelorette look like Masterpiece Theatre in comparison. Also, I think Americans should be concerned that the nationwide supply of penicillin will be seriously depleted once Bachelor Pad ends its run later this summer. There aren't many shows that make me say, "You know, apocalypse wouldn't be so bad," but Bachelor Pad is one of them. Also, the previews make it look like someone gets murdered? So I suppose there's an upside.
So about half-an-hour later, once the Herpes Pad promo has ended, Harrison introduces the men who have returned, some of whom, like that dodgy "Joe" go, clearly have never been on the show before. We have Randy, Aaron, Joe, Charlie, Stevie, Alessandro, Travis, Nate, Michael, Alejandro, Kalon (who gets some boos), Ryan (who doesn't get enough boos), Doug, John, Tony, Chris and Sean (who gets the biggest cheers). Half the guys have that "we are contractually obligated to be here" look on their faces.
Harrison asks Sean about being the first out of the limo, and Sean talks about how Emily looked like a goddess. Sean's sincerity appears to ensure he has his pick of at least half the crowd here tonight. John, who appears to be wearing pink pants, says some stuff about Sean being first out of the limo too, and now Travis is talking about his egg, and the self-deprecation is fine, except he's the last one at that party.
Someone brings up Kalon's helicopter and Harrison interrupts because that's not in the script yet, and then kicks it to a montage of all the drama that occurs when you throw "one hot blonde" in front of twenty-five assholes (N.B. he didn't call them assholes). "The man claws are definitely out," says Kalon at one point. We revisit Chris being annoyed at Doug's completely true statement that a guy at 35 is different from a guy at 25. On the plus side, we see Arie's DougHulk impression again. We get a Ryan-may-actually-be-a-genius-performance-artist montage, as well as the sly juxtaposition of Ryan thinking all the guys are his friends with all the guys hugging and high-fiving after he was kicked out.
And now Chris is whining about being called immature, and Doug does his disappointed-dad routine, and Ryan stepping in to tell Chris that he needs to be a little more confident, which is tough when Ryan is soaking up all the confidence in the room. Chris says something about being offended. "You were offended by a lot of things," says Ryan, who is even an ally for Kalon's douchey entrance, since this is, after all, a competition.
Kalon acknowledges his "Ricki is baggage" comment, and says after a few weeks you're feeling frustrated and not really yourself. And some guys whose names I can't remember and Stevie, who lists his occupation as "Party MC," let's not forget, give him the gears, and now Travis, who made Emily sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to an ostrich egg, is high-fiving someone else. And Kalon says he is friends with Tony and Chris, and Tony is apparently someone who was on this show at one point, and he doesn't appear super-thrilled to be outed as a Friend Of Kalon.
And now Kalon is called forward to the "hot seat" but it's OK because Harrison calls him "man" which means Harrison's looking out for him. We watch a montage of Kalon's greatest hits. The Party MC complains that Kalon sounds like he's "writing sonnets" whenever he speaks. And John says he doesn't see Kalon missing a facial to pick Ricki up from soccer practice. In fairness to his many, many, many, many detractors, there are plenty of examples of Kalon saying assholish things.
Harrison asks Kalon why he came on the show. It turns out that when the men signed up, they didn't know it was Emily, but by the time things got underway, they knew who she was and knew she has a daughter. Kalon said by that point he was committed, and it would have said less about his character if he'd pulled out just because Emily has a kid, plus at the time he didn't know it was as big an issue for him as it was.
And while he's talking about his sense of humor, which I guess accounts for the dingbat things he said, this guy Joe can't take it anymore and interrupts to yell that Kalon was here for the glitz and the glamour. Tony also says he thought Kalon was there more for the cameras than for Emily. Kalon wins himself no friends when he says he doesn't think his "I love to hear you talk, but not until I'm finished" comment was THAT bad, and says the baggage thing is essentially him not sugarcoating things. Doug and Sean give him shit for it, Sean especially upping his getting-laid-by-audience-member probability another twenty-five percent.
And now it's time for Ryan to enjoy some time in the hot seat, and we're transported via montage to a time when he was clean-shaven and he hadn't yet warned Emily not to be a slut (essentially) or to not get fat. "Many do think you're that arrogant ass," Harrison tells Ryan after the long montage ends, and Ryan pontificates on his confidence and the context in which he said some of those things. Harrison asks him about the line between confidence and arrogance, which really just gives Ryan license to yammer on some more about confidence, and we see several shots of Chris shaking his head. Harrison asks him about it, and Chris bumbles and stammers so much that Ryan starts talking too, and Chris starts whining about Ryan interrupting him, even though he's not SAYING anything. Chris finally asks him what his feelings for Emily were, and Ryan mentions his journal and says he was there to find his wife and he was hoping it was Emily, and now there is some back-and-forth with John that I don't think is important, and Harrison asks if maybe Ryan is actually just an arrogant ass, which Ryan unsurprisingly disagrees with. Discussion arises about Ryan talking about being The Bachelor: Augusta and Harrison assures everyone that that is NOT happening, and now we are talking about his "I'd love you but I wouldn't love ON you as much" and now Harrison is trying to get to commercial but Ryan wants to talk about his "trophy wife" comments and Harrison is like, "God, shut UP, Ryan, we only have two hours here."
God, we're not done yet? Chris is up . "I don't want to," he jokes, and Harrison thanks him for starting this off on a weird note. The montage starts, and Chris in the picture-in-picture watching himself is about as intense as you'd imagine. After it's done, he talks about how it still hurts (judging by what we saw of him in the Syphilis Pad promos, he gets over it). He says he loved Emily 110 percent, which is why he got overly emotional sometimes.
Harrison asks him if he angers quickly, and Chris says if he believes in something, he'll do everything in the world to fight for it, which is one of those things people like to believe about themselves but is actually bullshit. And he alludes to losing some good friends because of his willingness to tell it like it is, or whatever. At no point is he making a case for the maturity of the 25-year-old, though. And now Harrison asks him about Gonorrhea Pad and Chris says he hopes everyone tunes in because it's "unbelievable."
And now Chris Harrison says that everywhere he goes, he's asked why Sean wasn't in the final two. He doesn't say anything about how sad this makes him for America, but it does mean that Sean's up for the hot seat. People who inexplicably seem to actually give a shit about Sean and Emily cheer and clap and then get deathly quiet when we watch his supposedly emotional exit. He himself doesn't seem quite over it yet, and some dingbat in the audience wipes away a tear, like CALL A FAMILY MEMBER OF YOUR OWN, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
Sean says his rejection took him by surprise, because he'd started to think of himself as a father to Ricki and husband to Emily. "No one wants to feel inadequate in any way, and that's the emotion that pops up," he says. Harrison says it seems like the emotions are still there. Sean says Emily's an amazing person, and the feelings aren't going to fade overnight. They talk for another five hours, and Sean wants a family and he's more open now than he's ever been, and he hopes she comes around sooner or later, and Harrison calls him "buddy" which is a step up from "man" in the Harrison Man-Affection Scale.
And then Emily herself comes out, to a standing ovation from all the guys she sent home, like HAVE SOME DIGNITY, and Harrison asks if it's tough for her to walk out, and you think he's talking about the skintight dress she's got on, but it's because she sees Sean with whom she had an emotional goodbye. She tells him that she had an ugly cry when she watched that episode and tells him everything she felt was real. That would be really lovely for "Jef" and/or Arie to hear at this point, I imagine. And of course just like the night it happened, Emily seems to be thinking about how awful her dumping of Sean was mainly because of how hard it was for her.
And now Chris is making the case for Emily as History's Greatest Humanitarian, and now we're talking about the breakup-kiss again, and she says she wished she'd given Doug the group-date rose on Kalon Baggage night, for saving her from potentially being engaged to Kalon, who then says he's glad she looks so happy and he's sorry for what went down and he wishes her the best, and she calls that the biggest load of shit she's ever heard, and just as you're thinking, "Well, come on, he's apologizing," you find out that Kalon apparently a couple of days ago on Twitter posted a picture of a baggage claim and says he's surprised not to see Emily there, and Kalon can only lamely say he's flattered she follows him on Twitter (because the only way you can see what someone posts on Twitter is to follow them, right?). She tells him she hopes he finds faith in something more than his Prada shoes and rented helicopter.
Home stretch! There is talk about Ryan almost convincing her not to dump him. Harrison wants to know what it is about Ryan, and she talks about how good-looking he is, and also what a sweet-talker he is. So what eventually did him in? She says that while a lot of things they believe in, a lot of others don't. Well, that clears that up!
And then it's time for bloopers! Well, bloopers and people being dorky and staged comedy bits that vary in levels of actual laughs. Harrison asks Emily how many of the guys she plans to sleep with, and she comes back with "Hopefully all twenty-five." There is also black-barred male nudity, including Chris going commando during the Highland games. There are people tripping, and scooters crashing, and Emily apparently saying her ideal man is a tattooed homeless man.
After it's all done, Harrison doesn't give her the traditional "Are you engaged?" question, which can really only mean that she's not. And we close out with a preview of Sunday's THREE-GODDAMN-HOUR season finale, and a revisiting of the two guys Emily has deemed less objectionable than all the rest. Can't wait for yet another fake promise for a won't-happen engagement for a mythical wedding!
During the credits, we learn that Emily is a crazy cat-video maker, and it occurs to Harrison that finding her a husband may be beyond his capabilities as the host of a show with a success rate approaching zero percent, statistically speaking.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Until Chris Harrison asks, simply, "Why?" the men will never truly tell all. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.