We're in ... well, I forget already. Croatia somewhere, but the name of the place is obscured by the local channel's promo for "Local Casting Call" for The Bachelor. So take that, Croatia! I suppose I could look it up on last week's recap, but ... nah.
"It really is like being in a different world," says Emily. It's also like stepping back "into" time. Ricki's been bundled off back home to Charlotte with her babysitter, because things are going to sexy soon. When Croatia's rockin', don't come knockin'!
So then the nimrod bachelors come barreling in on a boat like outside fauna that should be restricted from entering lest it upset the balanced ecosystem, and if Emily's looking for a husband who can only describe things the way fourteen-year-old boys would, this is a fine crop right here, because everything is "awesome" and "so cool" and one of the guys is "so freakin' pumped." "Jef" says Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love. Remember every other season of The Bachelor/ette, when contestants would say things like, "This is nice, but it's no Croatia"?
Chris the Eagle hopes for a one-on-one date. "It's very important for me to remind Emily who I am," he says, unintentionally summing up exactly why this awful program isn't the romantic fairytale it makes itself out to be.
Then Emily shows up at the hotel to grace the men with her presence, and hand a date card to Travis. "Let's look for love beyond the walls," it says. Travis says it was "imperative" that he got the date a card, and of course he only uses multisyllable words when the other guys aren't around.
They're going to "old city Dubrovnik" -- Dubrovnik, that's it! They wander around, bothering some sculptor on the street. Behind them, you can see people taking pictures with their cellphones of Emily and Travis, like KILL ME if I ever visit a place with the majesty of grandeur of Dubrovnik and I take a picture of some dilettante tourists doing their best to avoid sexually transmitted diseases during a brief fame window.
There's some sort of balancing wall where if you can balance and take off a shirt you will be lucky in love? Or some shit? Travis balances on it, but Emily is miffed that he didn't take his shirt off, because she felt that was the perfect opportunity. Yeah, Travis seems like a nice guy and they're having a good time at all, but how can she tell if he'll be a good husband and father if she can't check out his abs?
While Travis whines about how he wants to "bust out of the Friend Zone," back at the hotel, the other guys are discussing Travis's rose-obtaining possibility, which is notably really only for the fact Ryan looks like he's wearing some kind of women's undergarment for an undershirt. This, while he's telling us that Emily likes a little more of a bad boy, and he's got that edge. He also talks about the "mean man" in him that comes out of him on the football field, and he misses that guy. Well, if he's not over his high school boyfriend, I'm not sure he should be competing for Emily.
The sun sets on Travis and Emily's date, and they are have dinner in some sort of grotto with a billion candles that hold some promise in terms of possibly setting someone on fire.
It would be nice if something were to happen, because this date is the MOST BORINGEST DATE ever. Travis is talking about how he hasn't dated anyone since his engagement two years ago, or maybe it was he hasn't slept with anyone. Or maybe it was that he hasn't killed anyone, I don't know, I keep nodding off.
Back at the house, a group date card arrives, and at some point during the season it would be great if they didn't feel the need to EXPLAIN things to us every episode, but we're not there yet. The card says something about "lasting love" which is kind of like if there were a card on Cops that said "Functional justice system." And it's for John, Doug, Sean, "Jef," Chris and Arie. There is some grumbling of Ryan's cockiness getting annoying. Ryan, who we now know is going to get a one-on-one date, boasts about all the tail he's able to pull. "I can manipulate the situation," he says. "I may come off somewhat arrogant, but that's just me being truthful." It's true that it takes supreme amounts of self-confidence to not feel ridiculous when you have the facial hair Ryan does.
Back at the dinner, ZZZZZZZZZ. Oh wait, she's picking up the rose. She says from Day 1 he's brought so much light to every situation, and how he's always smiling, and they've got that friendship foundation that's so important to him. But at the same time, she's not sure if they have that romance. "I don't want you to think that you did anything wrong," she says. Emily tells us that in "so many ways it was so perfect," but "in the biggest way, it just wasn't there." This is really just a nice way of saying she didn't want to sleep with the guy, obviously.
Then we watch Travis blubbering in an interview while he tells about how he's got a heart so big and this is a different kind of hurt. We watch as the drama queen throws his umbrella away, because you way as well get drenched in the Dubrovnik rain, right? SOMEONE WANNA PICK UP THIS CRYBABY'S UMBRELLA?
The guys meet Emily in town, and then we get a ten-minute commercial for the new Disney movie Brave. It's not the first time they've pulled this shit, but it's incredibly aggravating.
And then because Brave is in Scotland and features the Highland Games, they're going to hold their own Highland Games. So ... they go all the way to Croatia and because of some Disney promotion they're going to take part in Scottish cultural activities? God, fuck off, Bachelorette.
My Scottish heritage prevents me from giving this anything but the most cursory of recappings. The men change into kilts (not "skirts") with lots of close-ups of bare skin, because this is what's important to Emily.
First up, archery. I'm not sure we get to see who won, but Chris couldn't even hit the target. Then there's the caber toss. Chris says he's never done this before. "You don't do this in Chicago," he says. Two things: A) YOU DON'T DO IT IN CROATIA and B) the annual Chicago Highland Games was just this past weekend. In conclusion, shut up, Chris. Shut up, everyone! Sean is so strong that he breaks a log, and Emily starts ovulating immediately. Then there's the maide leisg, which is essentially a two-person tug of war with a stick.
Chris finishes dead last in the Games -- behind even "Jef"? -- but because the promotion is about a movie called Brave and not, say, Champion, Emily gives his sorry ass the "Bravery Cup" and talks a lot of bullshit about how muscles don't impress her, all evidence we've seen so far to the contrary.
We still have a dinner to get through, and Sean figures getting the rose is more important than any bullshit Bravery Cup. Arie's worried because he hasn't hung out with Emily since London, which is where they were before they come to Croatia. And now Emily and Arie are wandering around -- nice dinner for the rest of the suckers -- and unfortunately we're not done talking about the Kalon Situation, but then all of a sudden Arie and Emily are making out.
Meanwhile, Ryan is spending time with his favorite person -- himself. We get an absolutely hilarious amount of clips of Ryan talking about how good-looking he is, and how he loves the other guys, but they don't have all the same qualities he does. It's stellar. "Ryan, the world is our oyster," is what the date card says. Somewhere in Ryan's brain, he thinks that an oyster will make Emily want to have sex with him.
Poor sensitive "Jef" will never compete. All he can do is tell Emily that she's the type of woman that people write novels about, which I hate to tell him doesn't really say anything. She just wants to know why it took him so "daggone long" for him to kiss her, and he says he was scared of her, instead of just saying "well, herpes" although I guess that could be the same thing. And now they are making out too...
... and then now Chris is awkwardly telling her that he could fall in love with her and love her forever. It's painful, but since, as Emily tells us, the rose isn't about who can throw a "daggone tree" the farthest, she goes and gets the rose, which is sitting on the table in front of the rest of the idiots, and gives it to Chris, who tonight will doodle "Emily + Chris 4Ever" inside hearts all over his Trapper Keeper.
The day, we get a nice "Everyone Hates Ryan" montage, with "Jef" telling us that the entire house is against him, and Chris pointing out that it takes Ryan three hours to get ready in the morning, which includes him shaving his legs and plucking his finger hairs. "It's weird," he says. Yeah, I'm with the Eagle.
Emily shows up to pick Ryan up on his date, and Ryan oozes some smooth talk about Emily being a pearl or some shit. It's egregious enough that as soon as they leave, the rest of the guys crack up, which is when I notice that half of them are wearing hoodies with the hoods up, but not all the way, just sort of hanging off the back half of their heads. Is that a thing now? Even Chris, who I guess really shouldn't be telling anyone that plucking finger hairs is weird.
So Emily and Ryan are going on a roadtrip date, which gives Ryan the chance to boast about what a safe driver he is, seriously, even while other drivers have to honk as they pass because Ryan is looking at Emily more than he is the road. Emily's not sure how she feels about Ryan. Given some of the bullshit that has come out of Ryan's mouth, that's more an indictment of her than it is of him, I hate to tell her. She says Ryan has told her he wants a trophy wife, which doesn't sit well with her. Well, that's because it's NOT A COMPLIMENT.
On the other hand, he's got a playful side. So he's a sexist pig, but it's fun to hang out with him! Anyway, they eat oysters fresh out of the water and wander around and get yelled at by an old man who's showing them old pictures of himself, whatever that's supposed to be about.
They sit down and chat and he says she'd make a great trophy wife. He, being an idiot, thinks it's a compliment because a trophy is good, right? "Trophies don't talk back," points out Emily. Well, Emily, you don't as much as you should. Emily tells us she keeps going back on forth on Ryan, and I can't help but think zero people watching have any sympathy for her, given she's the one who keeps letting the troglodyte stay.
He cluelessly tells us that she's going to make someone a pretty great trophy wife.
They go for dinner, where she tells him she saw a lot of sides to him today that she really liked. And speaking of not talking back, she doesn't say anything about the sides she doesn't like.
He appears to not shut up at ALL, and eventually brings out a paper on which he's written down twelve qualities he thinks his wife should have. I hope I got them all. It was difficult to keep track, because some were adjectives and some were descriptive phrases.
Anyway, Ryan's trophy wife will be loyal, logical, an encourager. Faithful. Somebody that's a nurturer. Confident, magnetic, loves to laugh, someone that's a servant (by which he means someone who puts her family before herself), Unselfish, beautiful, sexy personality, and someone who loves to catch his eye. I think that's more than twelve, actually, but once you get beyond numbers Ryan can count on his fingers, there's bound to be some mistakes.
Emily looks increasingly uncomfortable as the list goes on, and confesses that sometimes when she's around him she feels all this pressure to be perfect. At some point Ryan figures out that she doesn't think it's a good thing like he clearly does, but all he can say is, "That's a very fair statement. Thank you for bringing that up." Well, maybe the upside of having children with Ryan means that you wouldn't need to bother saving any money for their college tuition.
Emily picks the rose up and talks about how funny he is, and good-looking (Ryan nods), and god knows he's a good kisser. "But your list of things that you look for, in a future wife, to be honest, on the top of my list would be a loving family, and not a perfect one," she says. Ryan starts to see where this is going, but Emily talks about how she thinks they want different things (but come on, is she really trying to tell us that if she were to list the qualities of her future husband, "loving family" would be the first thing? What does it even mean?).
Anyway, she's not giving him the rose, and there was much rejoicing. "That is very shocking," says Ryan, eventually, after the signals have gotten all the way into his brain. He says he didn't see it coming, because of the time they spent together, and their potential. Give him credit, I can't recall ever seeing a rejected candidate continue to sell himself for so long after he has been rejected, even if it's just completely incomprehensible statements like he thinks Emily is rejecting him because he's perfect for her.
Just as you're cheering Emily for giving the douchebag his walking papers, her spine disappears and she admits that she's not sure she is making the right decision, so he asks her why not give him a chance to show her what kind of man he is? We go to commercial with his elimination in doubt...
...and when we come back, we listen to the other guys discuss whether they think Ryan's coming back. "Do I want Ryan to come home? Let me think about that, NO," says "Jef" in a talking-head. Some of the guys think he's coming home because he's a good salesman. Arie's confident that she'll see through the guy, but if she doesn't, then there's some things he's going to have bring to her attention.
Back at dinner, Ryan continues with the eleventh-hour sales pitch, and Emily warbles out a bunch of nonsense about her own insecurity making her wonder if she's not the one to make him happy. Again, she says, she can't give him the rose.
Ryan says he wishes her happiness, tells her again he thinks she's making a mistake, but when it's clear she's not going to change her mind, they get up and she walks him out. She tells him this is the first time she hasn't been a hundred per cent confident in her decision. "Trust yourself," he says. Well, that's nice -- oh, he means trust her doubts, because as he hugs her goodbye he tells her she's making the wrong decision.
Really amusingly, we get to see the delight and high-giving and fucking HUGGING going on when the guys see Ryan's suitcase taken out of the hotel, which is contrasted by Ryan talking about how shocked the other guys are going to be to see him go. After all, he tells us, as we watch him hail a taxi, when you look at Ryan, you're looking at a winner.
Fortunately for Ryan, this will only feed his ego, because the greatest men in the world sometimes get down. He mentions all his worldly gifts, and then advises the guys "who cut this up" to portray him exactly as he is, and not an arrogant ass. Hard to do one without the other, Ryan.
With "Jef" having said that Ryan's the kind of guy who assumes he'd be the Bachelor, Arie adds, "If Ryan's the Bachelor, then the bachelorette is a mirror," which is a pretty good line.
Arie gallantly decides to go see Emily when she gets back to tell her what an excellent decision she made in booting Ryan. They snuggle up on her bed, with Emily still in the dress she wore to dinner, and Emily admits that she was a little harsh on Arie in London, and then she gives him the rose from dinner, and now they are making out because of course they are. So is this an official rose? I think I need to dig out my Bachelorette Rules and Regulations.
They kiss and coo for a million years before Emily walks Arie out of her place. "When I look at Emily, I really picture her as my wife," Arie tells us. Dude, your wife has six other boyfriends! Well, five now, I suppose. He strolls away back to his hotel, unaware that when this eventually airs, the production crew will edit promos in a way to suggest he visited Emily to give her dire warnings about someone not being there for the right reasons. I know they keep lying to us. I just keep getting annoyed by it.
Cocktail party time! The guys discuss the unprecedented move of eliminating two guys via one-on-one dates in one week. Emily tells us she would be "so blessed" to wind up with any of these guys, but Doug and John are on the bubble for her tonight, especially John, since he's always so guarded.
Which of course means that we'll see the opposite. John has an ace up his sleeve in the form of the funeral cards of his grandparents, which he carries around with him in his wallet, and he gets the right amount of choked up as he talks about his grandparents' funeral cards and how he feels his grandfather is his guardian angel. The cynic in me feels like he's playing things up a bit.
As for Doug, he's being so awkward with Emily that she has to basically force him to skootch over to her, and she reminds him that because she's a girl, she likes to be pursued. Apparently he has earned the nickname "Humble Doug," which she says is great, but she'd rather have the nickname "Confident Doug." That's a little too close to Ryan's nickname, "Confident Douche," really. Their conversation leaves him feeling more unsure than before. And now he's crying about missing his son, and that seems more genuine to me than the sudden appearance of grandparent funeral cards.
After some time-wasting shots of Emily looking at pictures of the remaining dingbats, we finally get to the rose ceremony. Emily babbles about not being a hundred percent confident in her decision. Well, that should reassure everyone!
First up, Sean. Then "Jef." Then Arie. That means it's just John and Doug left for the final rose. She picks it up, and then without saying a word, turns and walks out, to everyone's consternation. Of course, they haven't repeatedly been shown the clip of Emily seeking out Chris Harrison, hanging out by some castle wall somewhere. She tells him she doesn't know what to do. Ooh, such manufactured drama!
Chris tells her he's told her there are no rules here -- yeah, no kidding. "Doug and John? You're sure?" he says, and she nods, and he takes the rose from her and asks if she wants to talk to the guys.
She goes back in, seeming upset. She apologizes to John and Doug, because she was second-guessing her decision and realized she couldn't hand out the final rose. That's when Harrison comes in with a tray that has two roses on it. Not really a surprise, given the heavyhanded way it was made to look like she wanted to ditch both of them. "I just don't want to make any mistakes," she tells us. Well, why not just give roses to everybody every single week? That way, you wouldn't end ANY potentially rewarding relationship!
Anyway, she pins the roses on John and Doug and we're all supposed to feel this is a happy ending, instead of feeling ripped off that we could have been down to FIVE bachelors already week.
So where to ? Well, it's the perfect place to fall in love. I know, I know, they said that about London. And then they said that about Dubrovnik. But for REAL now, the perfect place to fall in love is Prague!
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He is looking forward to Brave, though. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.