So The Bachelorette is defiling Prague tonight, so we're forced to endure this allegedly grown woman burble on about how she feels like she's "back in the olden days."
She thinks she's got the best group of guys ever. Like not just on the show, but ever? She's talking about the hometown dates, because that's week, but first the schlubs she's dating have to slouch around Prague first. They meet up with Harrison, who tells them that this is "by far the biggest week" because of the hometown dates week.
There are four dates this week: three one-on-ones, and a group date. But the one-on-ones don't have a rose in the balance, because ... well, let's just make it up as we go along, right?
"I'm definitely falling for Emily," says "Jef," but I'm sure each one of the six remaining dingbats said it. The first date card arrives, and it's for Arie. "Let's Czech out Prague together," it says. Hey, I think their date will have something to do with Prague, you guys! Everyone in the hotel is wearing a hoodie, but only "Jef" has the hood hanging off his head. I haven't figured out proper indoor hood etiquette yet.
Arie shaves with an electric razor and says some blah-blah about whatever, and then he puts on a dark blue jacket with elbow patches that may be made out of duct tape. Emily picks him up and says she wants to walk around and pretend she's strolling around Prague with her husband. She is wearing shorts that I think a stripper would wear for track meets for the Las Vegas Stripper Athletic Association.
So Arie I guess has some secret, and has this been brought up before tonight? I honestly can't remember. It doesn't matter. As usual, the stupid dates in a foreign city revolve around some sort of tradition involving love, in this case rubbing some sort of artwork for love and loyalty and Emily calls it ironic that Arie is rubbing this "loyalty dog" or whatever the goddamn hell, since he has a secret. Meanwhile, the date is being filmed with someone's iPhone camera.
When we come back from commercial, we're back in Los Angeles at the Bachelor mansion, and Chris Harrison strolls out into the courtyard to tell us about something that we may have heard "or even read about." Unspoken is the sad truth that if you have bothered to read about what's to come, you might want to reexamine your life's priorities.
The upshot is "Arie's past romantic relationship" with Bachelor producer Cassie Lambert. This was several years ago, and Emily had no idea when production started, and Cassie told Emily herself. We watch a strange interview with Cassie off-camera asking Emily questions about it, and Emily's put out by Arie's not having mentioned it, with Cassie saying they don't even really know each other any more, having only seen each other twice in the past ten years. It's hardly worth the effort to type, let alone the way this is being treated like a scandal.
Emily's unsettled and all over the place in terms of what she thinks should have happened. At first she seems to be saying she should have been told on the first day that Arie and Cassie had dated, then she seems to just want to have been told that Arie and Cassie knew each other. Cassie, who is apparently engaged to someone else, diplomatically manages not to tell Emily to quit acting like a possessive psycho about the whole thing.
After ten minutes of Emily explaining how much she doesn't care, and making nonsensical statements like, "It's not even a production thing, this is real life" -- kinda uncomfortably drawing the curtain back on the show a little bit and indicating just how not real-life the show actually is, and how much Emily knows it -- she's finally done whining about how much she doesn't care about knowing that Arie briefly dated this woman ten years ago.
Then we have to witness Emily asking him painfully leading questions about whether he has shared everything with her, and whether he's trustworthy. "I like having no secrets," she says. "It's better to be upfront and honest," agrees Arie. He asks what else is important to her, and she can't even move on but says, "Being open about everything" is just as important to her as having no secrets.
Finally, his big reveal: he once had a tattoo of a woman's name. Emily thinks she's getting somewhere, but it turns out to be someone else who may not even be producing this show.
"It kinda makes me feel a little bit insecure. Why was he not telling me? And that scares me, considering hometowns are week," says Emily, because she is insane.
Jesus, we're back in Los Angeles again, with Chris Harrison recapping for us WHAT WE JUST SAW.
And apparently Cassie, Emily and Arie all talked about it, but it happened off camera, so Harrison sums it up for us: Arie said it was so brief and so long ago he didn't think it mattered. In a surprise move, Emily's spine completely shrank (not that this was anything worth getting upset about) and agreed, and decided it didn't affect the relationship. PROBABLY BECAUSE IT DOESN'T.
And so we watched the lead-in to the conversation, and the aftermath of the conversation, but not the actual conversation. Strictly amateur hour, Bachelorette. And now Arie and Emily are at dinner and talking about what a great day it has been and how great it is to "talk about stuff" and they are making out and just when you think this show can't get any dumber, it surprises you.
After a conversation among the men that makes as good a case as any for forced sterilization so America's average IQ doesn't drop when these guys sire offspring. John gets a date card and Chris tells us how badly he wanted to go all Hulk because it made him so mad but he didn't want the other guys to see him lose control. The date card says something about -- oh, I don't know. Penicillin.
Emily and Arie are talking about the hometown dates, like they haven't even happened and they're already boring. And there is all kinds of noise, like the camera is beside the restaurant dishwasher or something, which really enhances Arie telling Emily that he loves her and it's kinda crazy and "there's a lot on the line with my heart," and then they are making out again, and it's pretty amazing that the fact that Emily met a woman who Arie briefly dated ten years ago didn't derail their TOTALLY REAL AND FOREVER relationship.
This is John's first one-on-one date. Maybe because he's almost criminally boring? Emily explains that John's trump card of getting choked up over his long-dead grandparents has worn off. What have you revealed to her lately, John?
They ride some barge down the river and talk about John's guard being up, and they visit the John Lennon wall. "During communism, music was censored here," Emily explains. She's getting better at reading the off-camera cue cards with facts about their current locations, you guys!
And these two idiots want to compare the struggle of a repressed people to the time they kissed on a boat, or something. And now there is a fence where people write messages and initials on a lock and then lock it around the fence, because that solidifies their love, or some bullshit. John struggles to get the lock closed, which Emily thinks is symbolic because they haven't really connected. Of course, if he'd clicked it shut right away, she probably would have seen that as symbolic of how locked-up he is.
Back at the hotel, Arie and "Jef" and Chris have a mind-meltingly stupid conversation about the connection they all have with Emily, with Chris acting like being separated from Emily is making him crazy.
And then John and Emily are having dinner in a dungeon. "I really need to go deeper with John, to see if I can figure out who he really is," says Emily. Jesus jumped-up Christ, how many of Emily's stupid dates revolve around whether the guy opens up to her more? How about we just skip this because there's no rose up for grabs? Suffice it to say, John comes up with an awful anecdote about his girlfriend cheating on him, and Emily bestows upon him her Appreciation of His Vulnerability. And he calls himself a closer. This is something that is only said by men who actually aren't closers. Because if they were, they wouldn't have to tell anyone.
And now they are kissing, so I guess everything worked out.
Back at the hotel, the date card arrives. It's a group date, for Sean, Doug and Chris. Chris is extra-pissed. Sean appears to think Chris is crumbling under the pressure. John strolls in to explain that the date went extremely well. Like, on a scale of 1 to 10, it's a 10, he says. That's because he's a closer.
And now Sean is just wandering around Prague yelling Emily's name? What is going on here? He says if he doesn't find her in the streets of Prague, he'll be devastated. I'd like to point out that Prague has more than a million people. And then he ... finds her? Is she just wandering the streets of Prague? "I really had to jog around the town to find you," he tells her. Prague is nearly five-hundred square kilometres. They kiss and go out for beers and kiss some more, and how pleasant this must be for everyone. And now they are making out in an alley again. Emily says "me" about a hundred times as she explains how awesome Sean is. It's because he's always thinking about her, or whatever. And he's way more excited about the group date, since now he'll be the only one on the group date who had his tongue in Emily's mouth the night before.
The day, as Emily meets up with the three group date losers, we're subjected to more of Chris's spectacularly pathetic whining about not getting to be alone with Emily. Then, as they wander around an old castle, Doug rambles on about how great it is, and how much his son would love the castle.
And then Emily is telling us what a great guy Doug is, but she's not sure there's a connection there. She says she was going to send him home last week, but decided she couldn't do it. So this group date is a test, because of course it is.
Doug and Emily sit down to talk about getting to know each other, and Emily says Doug's body language indicates he doesn't want to sit to her, let alone kiss her. "If Doug doesn't want to sit to me now, he's never going to want to. And now I know what I have to do," she tells us.
So she walks him outside, in the pouring rain, to put a bullet in his head. But first we're all going to feel like putting a bullet in our own. "I feel like I've been fighting for you, and I've wanted you to show me, 'Hey, I'm really into you,'" she tells him. To us, Doug says he acknowledges having a hard time reading Emily.
He seems to realize that he's getting the heave-ho and throws a Hail-Mary kiss into her face, and she's all, "Thank you for that." It's the end of the line for Doug. He feels stupid for having kissed her. Hey, you're already on The Bachelorette. He quickly gives her a hug, and with a "have a good one," he's off in the van, talking about how his "girl radar" is broken, and now he is moaning about how hard it is to meet someone as a single dad, and now he is crying. I think his dignity radar is broken too.
Anyone, there's just Sean and Chris left on the date, so you know the conversation is going to be about Europe's debt crisis or the U.S.'s immigration policy, right? More Chris whining. He seems to think that if he is one of FOUR guys getting a hometown date week, that will indicate he's the best man so far.
After a weird "one key unlocks the first one-on-one chat" thing, Sean sits down with Emily and they talk about meeting Sean's family for about ten seconds before kissing. Upstairs, Chris, who should just jerk off already, is pacing around, waiting for Emily. "This date would be a thousand percent better if Sean wasn't here, because I know it'd just be me and Emily," he says. Let me see if I understand: the camera isn't there when Emily and Arie and Cassie work things out, but it's rolling when Chris says something like, "If Sean weren't here, then it would be just me and Emily"?
Back at the hotel, the date card for "Jef"'s one-on-one arrives. He can't believe he's the last guy to hang out with Emily before the hometown dates, like that's an actual thing that means anything. Anyway, John, Arie and "Jef" chat about how insufferable Chris will be if he gets the rose, which they decided narrowly edges out how insufferable he will be if he doesn't get the rose.
When Chris gets his one-on-one time with Emily, he ill-advisedly starts talking about how he's a little upset with her, and he wanted a one-on-one date. It's that painful thing where he tries to play it off like he's kidding around, except it's obvious he's actually pissed. And now they are kissing, because Emily has babbled at him and gave him an eagle boner, and now he's feeling better about everything.
And then she goes and gives the rose to Sean, and Chris actually says it's "insulting" that she's more ready to meet Sean's parents than his. To be fair, Chris, to meet Sean's parents she doesn't have to climb out to an aerie in the mountains. Chris completely checks out of the date. He tells us that if he doesn't get a hometown date, he feels sorry for anyone around him. Jesus, he's insufferable. Chris, here's a tip: announcing that you plan to lose control means you won't actually be losing control but just being an even bigger douche than normal while pretending you're not responsible.
The day, Emily shows up to pick "Jef" up for their date. Chris, unsurprisingly, seems to take that personally too.
Oh, goody, it's another aimless wandering-around date! Emily and "Jef" walk into a marionette shop. Emily informs us that she thinks "Jef" is -- despite what the other guys think -- ready to be a dad, because he's just a big kid himself. Emily offering "just a big kid himself" as the best reason she can think of to prove someone is dad material is one of the saddest things I've ever heard her say. And things only get more awkward when they play with a Michael Jackson marionette (I think they keep it with the little boy marionettes). "Jef" rather impressively makes the Michael Jackson doll moonwalk, so give him credit for that. Also earning him credit: When they each get a marionette to represent themselves, "Jef" ducks back into the shop to get a little marionette for Ricki.
Emily tells us she feels she's worked hard to get "Jef" to notice her. Uh, Emily, you're literally the only woman he's allowed to date right now. Red flag!
They walk into an incredible library, stuffed with books too many to count, but not enough to record every time "Jef" says "like" or Emily says "I know, right?" Emily figures, what better place to put on a marionette show detailing the highlights of their relationship! What better place than a library? How about EVERY PLACE. Also, maybe save the marionette reenactment for after the overnight dates.
The few minutes may be the most insipid thing we've seen on The Bachelorette in some time. Two adults using puppets to put on a drama in which they both speak like 13-year-olds (which I suppose is accurate for them). And then they kiss.
And now they've plunked their disrespectful asses down on the floor to kiss some more and talk about the "hometowns" and I love that "hometown dates" is too much for Emily to say. "Jef" explains that his parents won't be home in South Carolina because they're "committed to some stuff" and I would REALLY like to know what the deal is. She asks him if he introduces lots of girls to his family. No. You did say "girls," right? So, no. He talks about breaking up with a girl because his family didn't like her. So no pressure, Emily!
Back at the house, the other guys look as tired of Chris's self-doubt as I am. At the library, Emily and "Jef" are lying on the floor, looking at the ceiling. Emily tells "Jef" that there aren't that many people she can "lay" on the floor with, and still be really happy. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? "Jef" floats the possibility of living together first, and Emily babbles an answer that living together before means it's easier to get out. "Jef" hastily pretends to agree with her. Then he asks how soon after they get married she'd want to have kids. "Yesterday," she says, and he says, "Me too!" It's amazing how he wants all the same things.
Now they are making out and I believe "Jef" says "I want to date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you," and she giggles. It's too bad An Idiot Abroad is already taken, because I have a suggestion for a new name for the show.
Cocktail party! Chris has now decided that being an asshole at the end of the group date wasn't the smartest move. He's going to try to talk to her.
But he's going to have to wait until after Emily sits down for some time-wasting with Chris Harrison. She doesn't appear to want to have a cocktail party at all.
Meanwhile, the guys are stewing. Well, Chris is, anyway. In a talking-head, he appears to have been crying. So either he was just eliminated and those are fresh tears, or the interview was done before the Rose Ceremony and he's genuinely worried about it. Anyway, Chris comes in to tell them there isn't going to be a cocktail party, because Emily has her mind made up. He invites them to join him in the room for the Rose Ceremony. "I'm really worried now," says Chris. John is all, "I just closed the deal." Chris starts wandering around, sniffling and looking like an idiot.
Given the way they keep contrasting John's smug self-confidence with Chris's nervousness, I'm guessing John is going home. But at this point, the other guys feel sorry for Chris, because now he's not going to get a chance to apologize before the roses are handed out.
Speaking of which! The guys file in for the ceremony, Chris pledging to do whatever he has to do, because he believes in her and him and blah-blah-blah. After Chris Harrison is done reminding them for the umpteenth time about just how real shit is getting, Emily comes out and says "y'all" a hundred times.
First two roses go to "Jef" and Arie, of course; despite the ridiculously long pause before she said "Arie," that was never in doubt.
She picks up the last rose, Chris vibrating in place. Then, after getting the signal from the producer off-screen (Emily is just standing there holding the rose, waiting for Chris's cue), he steps forward and tells Emily he really needs to talk to her. She does not at all appear surprised, but the other guys do. We're told that this development made John nervous. Fair enough.
Chris sits down with Emily to stammer out some stuff about how he was a boy on the date. I fell asleep for most of it. It's late and I'm getting old.
Anyway, after what feels like hours, they rejoin the Rose Ceremony, with John looking decidedly less than impressed.
Emily picks up the rose and makes a frowny face at it. Then she makes a frowny face at the men, and moves her mouth around, and finally says Chris. John looks gutted. Emily doesn't look particularly sure about her decision. Chris looks blissfully unaware of anyone else's feelings. "I can't tell the last time I felt this happy," he tells us.
Emily walks him out and does her best to explain how it is that he goes from impressing her with opening up a couple of times to "I just didn't get enough from you."
John leaves, telling us he didn't see it coming. "She kept wanting more, wanting more, wanting more. So I gave her more. I shared things with her that I don't share with a lot of people," he said, adding that he was expecting to bring her home.
He figures he'll find someone some day, and stays tear-free. Sadly, though, he won't be able to have any coffee. Because as we all know, coffee is for closers.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. If the Bachelorette drinking game didn't have the rule "Drink whenever Emily says 'y'all,'" he'd still be alive today. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.