We're in London, which means that we get television shorthand: Tower Bridge, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, the London Eye, and "Rule, Britannia" playing over the whole thing. Emily takes in the sights with Ricki and marvels at how old the place is.
And then the modern-day electric guitar really rocks it out while Chris Harrison welcomes the surviving bachelors into Trafalgar Square, while Londoners stand around, looking and thinking, "England gave you The Clash and this is how you repay us?"
The men are staying in the posh Amarillo suite in the Mayfair suite, where Sean receives a card for his one-on-one date: "Love takes no prisoners," reads the card. Sean has no idea what that means, but that's only because it doesn't mean anything. "Jef" frets about the fact that he hasn't had a one-on-one date, whilst leaving out the fact that during any alone time he's had with Emily, he's behaved as though she's covered in cold sores. Which I guess, halfway into your second season on the sexually-transmitted-disease Petri dish that is the reality franchise known as The Bachelor/ette is more inevitability than risk.
Emily's excited because Sean's "great-looking but sweet," instead of "great-looking and sweet," so read into that whatever you'd like. They take in the sights around London, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham -- Emily telling Sean all about the places with the confidence of someone who read a few "Facts About London" cue cards thirty seconds before the cameras started rolling. As usually, the idiots on the date talk about how perfect the setting is. It's almost zen of them: wherever you are, there you are. I can only assume that if Sean and Emily were on a date in Paris, they'd say things like, "You know what? I kinda think Sean and I would be better suited by London."
Meanwhile, back at the Mayfair, the men are discussing Emily because god forbid we get to see them discussing anything but this show, and Kalon says whoever marries Emily had better realize that every day is like a group date because of Ricki. The music shifts and the editing has "Jef" give him the side-eye, and if Kalon had said, "You know who had some good ideas? Hitler had some good ideas," I don't think it could have been treated like a more egregious statement. "Jef" tells us that he thinks it's so uncalled-for for Kalon to say anything about Emily raising Ricki, which he didn't at all (at least, not that we see here, but later events will cast things in a different light). Two other things: one, "Jef" points out that Kalon was raised by a single mother, which you'd think might make "Jef" realize Kalon might have a little idea what he's talking about, and two, "Jef" makes himself sound like he flipped over the table and starting whalin' on Kalon for the disrepect, while in reality he sat there waiting for the timer to go off to remind him to apply another coating of mousse.
Out on the date, Sean is talking about how selective he is, and maybe it's because he says sexist bullshit like, "Good girls are hard to come by," but since Emily responds in kind and adds things like, "Guys who look like you are usually boring," and while I have to disagree with her generality, I can't exactly argue that Sean disproves the thesis. Emily thinks it does, though.
They stumble through the park, desecrating Speaker's Corner in the process as Sean stands up and rambles on about great love and how he wants it and while he's not sure love is there right now, check how hot Emily is, so fingers-crossed, am I right, London?
Because these guys are idiots, none of them was apparently able to make a connection between "Prisoners" on the date card and London's famous prison, the Tower of London, or, as an extremely hoarse Emily calls it, "London Tower."
That's where they're going for dinner. "Sean is totally my prisoner of love," she says, before adding for the hundredth time how good-looking he is. She thinks this place is cool because "King Henry" lived there -- which she later clarifies was "King Henry Eighth" as she explains to Sean about the good king's penchant for beheading.
She asks if he's going to drop a bomb about being divorced three times, because the only thing that Emily might find more shameful in Sean would be if he were not handsome.
Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives: "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," it says. Alejandro is the ONLY ONE who picks up on the Shakespeare, and "the Wolf" and the others revel in the hilarity of being "macho dumbasses."
It's for Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John and Kalon. By this point, the men are sick of group dates and want one-on-one dates, which this time is going to "Jef."
Back at dinner, Emily is explaining to Sean that she wants to have a lot more kids, like YESTERDAY, because she wants Ricki to have some time to adjust but also have brothers and sisters close to her in age. Sean says he wants to have kids. To MY mind, he looks a little put-on-the-spot. I mean, what ELSE would he say? He's trying to win a game here? At any rate, he gets the rose, and they share a kiss, and maybe someone could Emily a damn lozenge. She sounds like her larynx is going to fall out.
They go outside to look at London in the night and make awkward small talk, Tower Bridge in the background while they kiss, and I hope I can make it through this episode without my own memories of last year's trip to London being tainted by seeing this awful show spread its contagion all over the place.
So the group date is in Stratford-Upon-Avon, WHATEVER THAT IS, BECAUSE I AM A "MACHO DUMBASS." As Emily greets the gang of idiots, Arie tells us he's not sure what to expect but he wants to come home with the rose, while the other guys would like to alert the Nobel people because Emily hasn't let her hoarse voice force her into curling up into the fetal position and dying. Emily, for her part, wants to reassure us that it is still possible to have fun, even when your voice doesn't sound pretty.
She tells them about the dude who was born in Stratford, and tells them they're going to be acting out scenes from Romeo and Juliet, which it MUST be pointed out, is a tragedy.
The four hours (seemingly) are about what you'd expect: a mixture of these guys laughing and hamming it up as a defense mechanism against appearing too fruity, or whatever these guys think "literate" means. Kalon is deadly serious about it, and Alejandro, unsurprisingly because he at least knew who wrote one of Shakespeare's most famous lines. Fortunately for these fucking clowns, Emily isn't looking for someone who takes himself "seriously," or has "read" things like "plays" and "books."
As the hours stretch into days, we realize that, naturally, Kalon isn't taking this seriously as much as he takes himself seriously, to the point that he tells Emily to "run along" so they can get back to rehearsing. Emily's not impressed. How dare he! It's not like she's fat, right?
Oh, this is awful. Arie's all "Fuck my life, man," because he got a free trip to London to continue trying to nail Emily but is reduced to playing a nurse in a scene from Romeo and Juliet, while Alejandro wants to pay respect to Shakespeare because this is Shakespeare's hometown. Yay, Alejandro! He's probably gone after tonight. And Arie, who doesn't know what words like "jaunt" mean, will probably stick around to the end.
So the show rounds up some unsuspecting Brits or reasonable facsimiles to subject them to the If I Don't Try, Then I Can't Fail players. Kalon, Ryan, Alejandro and John all earned starring Romeo roles, with everyone agreeing that Kalon is trying too hard. Ryan gets to kiss Juliet in the death scene, with Travis annoyed that "that sapsucker" got two kisses, and afterwards Ryan HILARIOUSLY explains that it came off as real because it kinda was. Ryan's self-confidence, to me, has gone from agonizing to endlessly amusing.
In the end, none of the Romeos kills himself, so the Emily's going to have to make her own decisions tonight.
The group heads to the Cox's Yard for dinner, and let's hope they've worked all the gay panic out of their systems. Emily makes out with Arie for a while, and then it's Ryan's turn -- he sequesters them in an alcove with the curtains drawn and says he has a surprise for her: a little turquoise trinket on a chain that she has an orgasm over, while he explains that he wants to prove how real he's taking this, or whatever.
Kalon's feeling sorry for himself, waiting around to spend time waiting for a tired, sick Emily who's got a kid waiting for her. Chris tells Arie that Kalon referred to Ricki as baggage, and then spreads it around to the rest of the gang, who get angried up and rustle up a necktie party.
We haven't heard Kalon say it, but he's summoned before the rest of the men to explain himself, he admits it, refuses to retract it, but explains that he only means it as a huge responsibility. Everyone tells him what a shitty thing it was to say, which is true, although it's a bit rich that all the guys here play it off as a noble (although utterly sexist) crusade to protect Emily from such a fiend, and no one points out that it's clearly a good way to get rid of the competition. Kalon's comments do come off much worse than they appeared in any of the footage we saw, though.
Because Doug has a kid, I guess everyone agrees he's the best one to break the news to Emily. But because Doug ain't no snitch, he has to do the "someone here said this" routine, and Emily makes him name names.
Emily's not impressed. "I wanna go off and go crazy, because that's how much I love my daughter," she says. "I will protect my family to the day I die," which to her means that she wants to "go West Virginia backwoods hood rat on his ass." Thank you, reality television, for continuing to propagate the notion that "loving my family" is the same as "losing my shit over something an idiot said." Unless "go West Virginia backwoods hood rat" means she's going to cook up a meth lab?
So Emily and Doug come back out to the group, with Doug smarmily calling court to order, acting like this is the Nuremberg trials. Kalon stands accused of calling Ricki baggage: What say you, sir? Kalon's all, "Hey, I'm trying to reclaim the word baggage!" He explains that he just means that Ricki is a huge responsibility, and you're thinking, "Well, surely Emily would agree with that, because a child is an immense responsibility, in most cases the biggest responsibility any- oh, no, my mistake. She's a blessing, is what she is."
Kalon tries to interrupt her, but this time she's not having it. "I love to hear you talk, but not until I'm done," she says, reminding him that she got that line from her. Nice job, Emily! Anyway, she lays into him about how un-baggagelike Ricki is, and asks him to deny saying it. Uh, I think it's already been established he said it. She tells him to get the fuck out, which is a little too surprising to him, given the preceding thirty seconds (and I can't help but think would have been a little more effective had we not been shown the clip every commercial break up to now) and then she tells him that she's most disappointed because his mom was a single mother, and he's all, "Yeah, exactly," and she's all, "Yeah, exactly," for two completely different reasons. She calls it disappointing, and he's all "I'm sorry you feel that way," a terribly non-apology.
He continues to try to defend himself (the other men have wisely not said a WORD since this all got underway -- not even Doug, America's Dad), and she calls the conversation inappropriate and insulting and refuses to continue, getting up and walking away while Kalon stands there like an idiot with his arms folded. I'm not sure what part of his brain thought it was a good idea to bring up the fact he always figured his first kid would be his own, even if it's true, and not just for Kalon. Emily tells us the only thing he could have said that would have made her think differently about him would be if he'd said, "No, I didn't say that." Not, "I'm sorry"? You wanted him to lie?
As Kalon eventually walks out, she calls him a terrible human being, and he's just lucky she didn't have a voice. In the ride on the way to be dumped into the Thames, Kalon is sticking with his "I didn't mean 'baggage' in a bad way" explanation, which isn't going to start working for him any time soon.
Back at the pub, Emily's so traumatized that she tells the rest of the guys that she wants to be alone, and then explains to us that she's never felt such hurt and anger. I think I speak for everyone when I say, "...really?"
She's now worried about her own judgment. Not because she signed up for THIS damn show twice, because she managed to let a mass murderer like Kalon be one of ten guys currently trying to sleep with her. And also she's wondering about the other guys. "Like, whose back do you have?" Uh, you mean the guys who came running to tattle on Kalon, like, twenty seconds after finding out?
She returns to the pub. The trauma counselors have not yet arrived. Emily now lectures the rest of them that she's disappointed that it took her that long to tell her what happened, and despite Ryan's "we figured it was your decision" explanation (rather sensible for Ryan) and Arie's "we figured your intuition was awesome" explanation, Emily tells them she's not handing a rose tonight.
She explains to us that she wants to know that if a self-absorbed arsehole makes an offhand ill-advised comment, one of her other boyfriends should bring her his bloody severed head to show her what a good husband is like.
The day, Emily and Ricki are reminiscing about their visit in London, with Ricki adorably saying her favorite thing is "Brickingham Palace," which is where the king and dragon live there. It's nice for Emily that at least one person is demonstrating less knowledge about London than she is, but it's not like Ricki has someone printing off Wikipedia pages for her to read on-camera.
Understandably, Emily has barely roused herself from the fainting couch after what happened last night. Finally she decides that a suicide pact for all involved probably won't do anyone any good, and she's going to let the date with "Jef" go ahead. Fortunately for "Jef," the other guys filled him in on what happened (presumably, "Jef" was sitting down when they did) and he's going to make sure Emily knows that the bad, bad man has gone far, far away and will never bother her again until After the Final Rose.
So they're at Chiswick House for a traditional English tea. The surprise is that they're joined by an etiquette teacher named Jean, which annoys "Jef," because his one-on-one date ain't gonna be getting to the sexytime with Jean hanging around blathering about nonsense rules to reinforce a class system. Although you don't have to be the Queen to know that you should say goodbye rather than just run out on poor Jean. Jean, upon her return, graciously keeps up the charade that this wasn't completely planned in advance.
The go to The Lorry and the Treacle or The Pram and the Bobby or some such pub, where they order a couple of pints and some fish and chips, and "Jef" tells Emily that he was sitting there when Kalon spouted off his shit. "Jef," presenting facts not in evidence, tells Emily that he asked Kalon if he thought he was being fair, and maybe Kalon should leave. Again: facts not in evidence. They talk a little bit more about what a loser Kalon is, and "Jef" says if Ricki's baggage, then she's a Chloe handbag that he'll have forever, and instead of cocking an eyebrow and pursuing a different line of conversation, Emily corrects him to "vintage Louis Vuitton."
Emily feels good that "Jef" stood up for her, even though yesterday she was pissed that no one said anything. And now we're getting to it: she feels an attraction to "Jef," but she's not sure it's reciprocated, and she needs him to show her (that he wants to make sex on her).
Then it's time for dessert on the London Eye (kinda wish they'd stuck around with the etiquette teacher long enough for her to suggest to Emily that she needn't respond to ever second statement with, "Right?" or "I know, right?"). As the truly amazing London Eye rotates, "Jef" asks Emily where she sees herself a year from now, Emily says she hopes she has a boyfriend or a fiancé or a husband or something, which ought to shut up anyone who thinks Emily has no ambition. "That'd be pretty cool, instead of always being the single girl," she says, and the smile vanishes for a split-second and Emily looks genuinely sad. "Jef" toasts to "not always being the single girl" to which Emily responds: "I know, right?"
She finally blurts out that she's questioning whether he's actually into her or not. She's feeling low because of last night, and now here she is with someone who doesn't show any outward signs of wanting to have sex with her, which is confusing and scary for her, apparently.
He starts slathering on the praise (surprisingly, Emily's into that!), and he talks to us about the connection they have, and he wants her to know how much he likes her. That seems to mean he haltingly stammers stuff about how he feels he can tell her anything, and he's all about finding the right person to spend his life with. She asks if she and a six-year-old moved to Salt Lake (but Emily, what about your career? Ha ha, I couldn't keep a straight face for that) would it mean the party's over? He smartly says the party would just be getting started, and Emily flops onto her back and starts purring.
But then it seems to swing back towards unsure as he continues on about wanting to be best friends with her. She nods, even though she looks like something's not quite right. But then she picks up the rose and talks about how down-to-earth and funny and "so chill" he is and makes her feel like a lady, and he gets the rose. She tells us it's now really easy and comfortable with him. They hug, he kisses her on the cheek, and then they go to the railing to look out over the city, and "Jef" explains that he felt there couldn't be a better place for a first kiss, but he moves in just as the recorded voice tells them that their capsule is coming back in for disembarking.
So he kisses her by the Thames, but not before awkwardly setting it up by talking about the times he didn't kiss her and how he regrets it, and he doesn't want another chance to go by, so if she's agreeable, how about some tonsil hockey? Jolly good.
Things that have "made it more real" tonight, according to bachelor insights: first, an audience for their Shakespeare-murder, and now Kalon's departure. We're at the cocktail party, and Emily comes in to bravely talk about the lack of respect she was shown this week. "Jef" tells us there's some tension and some of the guys are on edge.
That means it's interrogation time, and we're subjected to junior-high love problems. Emily asks Travis, "If somebody said something bad about your girl, what would you do?" He says, "You step up to the plate, you know?" So let's just fast-forward the inane conversations and the dwelling-on of "the Kalon Situation" as it shall henceforth be known. On the plus side: no Brad mentions tonight! Emily keeps talking about it and explaining that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Arie's left a little confused by their conversation, feeling as though she's mad at him for not beating up Kalon by the bleachers at recess.
Give Ryan credit: he's focused on having fun with Emily, and has gone to the trouble of printing off the Romeo and Juliet balcony speech and he recites it from below while she watches, entranced, from a balcony. In spite of herself, she's liking Ryan more and more.
Meanwhile, Sean's the victim of Emily's whining about the group date, although he benefits from her assumption that it wouldn't have happened if he'd been there. By which she means if Sean had been on the group date, then Kalon wouldn't have made the comment the day earlier that Ricki is baggage, I guess. Does Emily herself have any idea what she's talking about? Because I don't think anyone else does.
Shocker! Despite the questions she had about ALL the guys coming into the rose ceremony tonight, her faith is renewed! Whew!
Time for the rose ceremony! Guys, you'll be glad to know that you are all gentlemen and you have restored her faith in you, and she hopes to walk away in love with one of y'all. But some of y'all have to go now.
The y'all who are staying: Doug, who wasn't angry at Kalon. Just disappointed. Ryan, who is remarkably not confused when he doesn't get the first rose each and every time. Chris. Rock, flag and EAGLE! John. Uh... good for him! Travis. That leaves just Arie and Alejandro, but there are two roses left, so -- oh, hold up. We're being informed now that this is the final rose. And it goes to Arie, because Alejandro was doomed the moment he demonstrated fancy book learnin'. He looks genuinely surprised. He hugs her goodbye and says it was good meeting her.
He tells us he wasn't expecting to go home, because he finally felt he was moving forward with her. He came here for love, and he was hoping to make that a priority. Just when you think he's going to escape with his dignity, he seems to get a little teary-eyed in the car-ride away. Fortunately, he recovers, and gives a "whatever" eyebrow-raise and says "goodbye, Emily."
Then we watch in amusement as Emily toasts the remaining men and everyone has to pretend they are really excited to go to, and HAVE TOTALLY HEARD OF, Dubrovnik, Croatia. Cheers!
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He hates to admit that one of the highlights of his trip to London was stumbling upon some filming for Law & Order UK. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.