Ego Tripping

S08E04

But she's got a rose to give out, and it's going to John, because she doesn't see herself being with Nate forever. Yeah, listening to him blubber about how amazing his friends are would get annoying after ONE TIME. Emily tells us is "so sweet" and "so genuine" but he hasn't had a whole lot of life experience, and I have to agree that Nate comes off like he's barely out of high school.

Look, can we stipulate that Emily is an amazing mom who obviously loves her daughter and then be spared countless scenes of the two of them hanging out while Emily assuages her guilt at involving her daughter on this freakshow by telling us constantly how she, like virtually EVERY PARENT, loves her kid? We KNOW she's not looking for just a boyfriend but also a father for Ricki, but for god's sake, this is The Bachelorette, not The Single Mother.

Cocktail party time. The guys are in their suits, with "Jef" and John and Doug all wearing their roses. Ryan blusters on about how confident he is that he's sticking around thanks to the great conversation he had with Emily. Arie tells us that Ryan's confident about everything, so this is a load of crap.

Emily comes in and then takes Alejandro for some one-on-one time, since he didn't get any kind of date at all. Meanwhile, the other guys discuss what a blow Ryan's ego it would be if he got sent home. Really? I don't believe it would dent it one bit, given the way he's now telling us how blessed and romantic and athletic and charming he is, and how he's evaluating Emily because he doesn't want to fall for the wrong person. "I'm just doing my due diligence, I guess you could say, at this point," he tells us. Nothing more romantic than that!

Arie strolls in to steal Emily away, which Ryan takes as a compliment, because obviously the other guys see him as a threat. Arie, meanwhile, figures Ryan is threatened by "Emily and I's" connection. Emily does seem to enjoy herself more in Arie's easygoing presence versus Ryan's barrage of bullshit.

And now that one guy who has long hair and who also didn't get a date this week is sitting in front of the fire with Ryan, who admits that if things don't work out here, he's "involved with the media back home" so he'll do "Bachelor Ryan, Bachelor Augusta." That's because he thinks that he may be "called" to something even bigger than Emily. His ego is growing exponentially at this point.

Then the rain rolls in, and someone calls it "weird-ass weather," whatever that means. Sean has been bummed since losing the rowing competition, but he's mollified when Emily tells him they did a good job and he looked "super-hot" doing it. He asks her how Ricki would feel if she got married. Emily's answer seems to suggest Ricki would be OK with it because that's what Emily wants. "How about you?" she asks. Uh, how would Ricki feel if Sean got married? "I'm up for anything," says Sean. Do you guys want to start making sense some time soon? Oh, and now they're kissing. "Each time we kiss, it's something that I want to do all the time, and I think she feels the same way," he says.

And now Emily is leading Doug over to the traditional Bermudian "moongate" and robotically reciting everything she tried to memorize on the Wikipedia pages that were printed out for her about how it has to do with luck and love and happiness instead of something useful for this show like STD prevention and prenuptual agreements. So they have to hold hands and walk through it together and "make, like, a wish." Emily tells us she wished to not be single forever. Sorry, world peace!

Group date. "Let's set sail on the sea of love." Hmm. Probably has something to do with sailing? Charlie. Ryan. Chris. "Jef." Sean. Arie. Travis. Or "T-Money," if you prefer. And Kalon. One of the guys whose name I can't remember says that he could be on the two-on-one, which is a bummer, because then he could be eliminated, which, he might recall, can happen TO ANY GUY AT THE ROSE CEREMONY ANYWAY. Oh, his name pops up on the screen: "Nate." Are they sure? Has he been here the whole time? I call shenanigans.

Doug and Emily are sitting down for dinner in a wine cellar, which is as good a place as any to ride out the rain happening inside. Doug talks about how much he loved the postcard for his son, because he's not allowed to write his kid without Emily's involvement? Or is he just trying to be sweet for Emily's benefit? She's suspicious of how he always says the right thing, because you know who else did that? BRAD, that's who.

Doug confesses to not being perfect, which is big of him. Emily asks him what an ex-girlfriend would say, so he gives answers like "spend too much time with my son" and "didn't wash her car enough," kinda like when you're in a job interview and you're asked what your worst quality is and you give a bullshit answer like "I stay too late at work."

Emily's some kinda genius when she tells us that an ex-girlfriend has more complaints than you might be willing to share. "I don't want a perfect answer. I want an honest answer," she says. What the hell, Emily?

So he turns the tables on her and asks her what her faults are, and she says she's "sensitive" and she can be stubborn (speaking of bullshit answers. Who doesn't consider themselves stubborn about things they feel strongly about?). "That's not a fault," he says. "I don't work out," says Emily. Oh, and there are days she doesn't get out of her pajamas. "Sign me up," says Doug, instead of "Yeah, you don't have a real job, do you?" Then she admits that she stays in her pajamas and goes out and runs errands in public.

First of all, a) I don't believe Emily goes anywhere without being completely made up and b) if you sleep in your pajamas and go out in them YOU ARE GROSS AND NEED TO BE AN ADULT.

And then because Doug didn't wilt under her withering questioning and confess to vehicular manslaughter or selling drugs to schoolchildren, he gets the rose. And then we witness some agonizing about whether he should kiss her -- he hasn't kissed someone in months and months. Oh, boo hoo -- and ultimately decides that she'll find a way to let him know if she wants to be kissed. That means the date ends without a kiss.

Group date time! They're going sailing, of course. "The water here is, like, so blue," says Emily. Arie's stoked to show another side of himself to Emily, who warns us that a couple of booze cruises does not a sailor make.

I guess there's supposed to be a race, and the winners get to impregnate Emily or spend time with her or whatever, while the losers go home. Sean's not worried, because he played Division I football, which means, obviously, that he thinks he can do anything, since nothing else is as important as that.

The two-on-one date card shows up, and it's for John and Nate. I'd already forgotten Nate's name again.

And now the other idiots have changed into yellow shirts and red shirts for their respective teams and they are racing each other and we see lots of shots of the guys adjusting their sails but nothing that really indicates who's winning at any given time, and then apparently the red team pulls ahead, which is upsetting for the yellow team. Emily, who was engaged to a race-car driver and who is on a show in which guys compete to propose to her, says she hates watching guys compete.

And now the yellow team is ahead? I guess? And now the red team is winning again? Oh, and now the yellow team is winning. The last time I saw this much excitement was this weekend when I cut my toenails.

And then the yellow team wins. Charlie, who was on the red team, tells us he felt defeat. Aw, that's only because you were defeated, Charlie. The yellow team is Ryan, Arie, "Jef" and I think Kalon? "Jef" apparently suffered some sort of injury to his hand. I hope it's not his mousse hand! Emily says it was hard for her to celebrate with the yellow team when the red team was so sad. If there's a better definition of "First World Problems" than "It was hard to celebrate the victory of one team of guys competing for my love over another group of guys while we vacation in Bermuda as part of the television show we're on" I haven't heard it.

Good lord, I think Charlie is actually CRYING in the van ride on the way back to the hotel. That's going to cost him with his friends later.

At dinner with the guys, Ryan toasts Emily, his potential future "trophy wife" and doesn't seem to understand why Emily doesn't seem super-excited by that. Arie and Emily go down the beach and snuggle in a blanket and kiss and talk about the good times they'll have when there are fewer than a dozen other guys sticking their tongues in each other's mouth.

Then it's time for "Jef" to passively aggressively joke about how he's becoming the group-date master. Emily feels "Jef" is really starting to open up to her, because he's saying things like spending time with her is "the best vibe" and then he shows her his finger boo-boo and asks her to kiss it better. Then they stare at each other awkwardly. Emily says she was hoping he would kiss her, but he didn't but that's "fun too" because she gets to keep anticipating it, or something inane.

Back at the hotel, the other guys are still yammering away about how losing "sucks" and Chris has his hoodie on, hood up, because he's stone-cold chillin', you guys.

And then Ryan HILARIOUSLY tells us that Emily, as the Bachelorette, has been given "a great responsibility" and he wants to make sure she does a lot with it. And then he tells her there's "a lot of depth" to who he is, and he sounds like someone who reads "How To Be Classy" tips in Maxim magazine, like this is straight-up the funniest thing I have ever seen on this show. Also, he has a "mature approach to relationships." He's not here to impress her, you see, but to make an impression on her. Instead of telling him that that's exactly the same thing, she says she sometimes wonder where the stuff he says comes from, and she reminds him of "I'd love you but I wouldn't love on you" comment and asks if he'd be OK with her not going to the gym but just chasing after his kids and he says he WOULD like that. I guess that sounds awful, but given how often Emily sounds like she wants nothing more than to be a baby factory, maybe it's not so dumb.

Ryan says "To whom much is given, much is required," and if he's just going to keep saying things he remembers coaches saying, I hope he gets kicked off this show REALLY soon. He says he was praying for her to "impact tons and tons of people," and he says there's going to be tons of "young ladies" watching her, which is true and SO DEPRESSING, and as deep and considerate as he's trying to sound, all he really gives a shit about is that she kissed Arie.

Then she APOLOGIZES for throwing it in his face. She tells us that while she sees his point, he knew what he was getting into, and that he's judging her, and that if she were The Bachelor no one would even question it. So grow a spine and tell HIM that. What's the worst that happens? He decides he doesn't want to love on you so much?

Then it's time to give out the rose, and she gives it to "Jef." He tells us he didn't expect it. "It feels like something we shared together is really valuable to her," he says, adding that he thinks he's starting to fall for her. Then, while they're all watching fireworks, Ryan tells us that giving the rose to "Jef" was a very safe move, which I actually agree with. Not so much his "There's a great amount of depth there between her and I" comment, though.

Emily tells how much she's been dreading this two-on-one date, and one of either Nate or John is going to get "lost at sea," further putting the lie to the idea that the Bachlor/ette has ANY control over how things on this show operate. Nate packs and John primps. Oh right, John is "the Wolf" which apparently has to do with his last name being Castle Wolfenstein or something. He says the two-on-one date is weird because when do you ever go on a date and there's another guy there? Look, WE'RE not the ones who think this show has anything to do with normality, Wolfie.

Nate and John are taken out to the yacht where Emily is waiting for them, and dramatic purposes require them to stand up in the boat without lifejackets on, although at least you're given the slight hope that they both might fall out of the boat and drown. Wolfie tells us that he's not a "fast guy out of the gates" but he's "always been a closer," although if that were really true he probably wouldn't actually be here, now would he?

Back at the hotel the other guys are voting on who's coming back. Most guys think John is. "John has more swagger to him," says Ryan, who I really wish would be banned from speaking for the remainder of his time on this show.

Chris, who is 25, takes umbrage at the suggestion that there's a big difference between someone at 25 and 30, but it's mainly because he feels like Doug is being a big poopyhead. Sean jokes that maybe they should have a bunch of 40-year-olds in here, because they might be more wise than 30-year-olds. Ha ha ha! Except of course they WOULD BE, SEAN.

Apparently there's some sort of competition going on between who can have the most inane conversation: these idiots, or Emily and the two idiots out on the boat. She refers to the "Bermuda triangle" and they talk about whether they're going to get lost in it, like IF ONLY, and then they jump off some cliffs because that's like a good jumping-off point for a relationship or whatever, because every date has to be a metaphor for something for some reason, and not just a reason for Emily to be in a bikini.

And now it's nighttime, and the three of them are having dinner in a cave, but it's the kind of cave that have steps and railings and walkways built into it. Emily toasts a great day and "hopefully a great night."

You can hear every drip off every stalactite while the three of them make awkward small talk, and then the show kinda cruelly gives us Nate pronouncing "quinoa" wrong and Emily and Wolfie not realizing it. He pronounces it the way it's spelled, like all of us do at first when we've only read it and not heard it. I'd feel a little worse for him if he weren't trying to sound like an expert as he talks about what a good fiber it is.

"I get nervous for dates anyway, so a two-on-one date is even more awkward. More pressure," she tells us. Then she pulls Nate aside for some one-on-one time, which he views as a chance to step his game up. He considers himself the "total package," and he wants to show here that.

And Emily is SO bummed about doing this two-on-one date that her first question is how he feels about being on a two-on-one date. "Scintillating" doesn't quite describe the ensuing conversation. Then she asks him to tell her something about himself, and he says he can see himself with her. And then he talks about his brother, who is "literally the most amazing person" he's ever met in his life. And his friends are "like, amazing," and then he is almost crying and Emily thinks this is sweet instead of what it actually is, which is embarrassing for all involved. I picture the camera operators on this show going home and pouring stiff drinks every night to help them cope with all the awfulness they bear witness to.

Later, Wolfie seems a little more practical about the two-on-one date: If they have a connection, that's great; if they don't, then he doesn't have to float in the middle of the pack anymore. Emily says she likes John's confidence, and it is certainly preferable to John being a crybaby.

Meanwhile, Doug and Ryan are chatting about they're not gunning to make sure they get a kiss, and joking about how they're not allowed to refer to others being younger. Speaking of being younger, Emily pulls Chris outside to talk, and he tells her that he was really offended when Doug said that since he's 25 he's not ready to be a father or a husband to be with Emily, and the fact that that's how he interpreted what Doug said says pretty much everything you need to know about Chris's maturity level.

He rants on at a very confused Emily about how when he's upset about what someone says to him he's going to say so. It's eating at him to the extent that he asks to speak to Doug outside and demands to know why Doug thinks he's the better man for Emily. "I never said I was," says a slightly befuddled Doug. "But you think you are," says Chris. Uh, Chris, since I'd imagine you think you're the better man for Emily, what exactly is the issue here? Isn't that the point of a competition?

Inside, the other guys start gathering at the windows, probably hoping that someone's going to lose some teeth. Doug points out, not inaccurately, that Chris is "kinda being immature right now," which Chris proves, much to Doug's amusement, by using the phrase "grown-ass man." Doug asks why Chris is "coming at" him right now. "I just want to let you know, man," says Chris. "Let me know what?" asks Doug, barely able to keep from cracking up. "I'm never, ever going to stand down to you," says Chris, and Doug laughs again and tells him Chris doesn't get his competitive juices going at all.

Doug's laughter clearly isn't the reaction Chris was expecting -- that would be "cowering terror" -- and so he whines some about how Chris somehow "overpowers" everybody, but at the same time is "over-the-top humble." He insinuates Doug has something to hide. "I don't believe half the shit you say. That's something that kinda pisses me off," says Chris (side note: thanks to evil duo @tknott356 and @hpatt15, I now can't NOT see Chris as an eagle). There's no end to the amusement Doug's finding in Chris's incoherent and vague accusations, and eventually Chris just gets up and stomps off. Doug shakes his head and takes a sip of his drink.

For maybe the first time ever, I wanted to spend a little more time at the cocktail party, but we're on to the rose ceremony, although first, to fill time, we get one of those sit-downs with Chris Harrison that isn't worth recapping at all, apart from "Jef" not kissing her despite two opportunities. "Maybe he's just not that into me," she says. Also, she thinks Ryan is a little manipulative. "I love how candid you are," says Harrison. I will say that I could forever do without someone deciding to go on The Bachelor/ette and then whining about having to eliminate contestants every week.

OK, now we're at the Rose Ceremony, and Chris says that what's even more incredible than Bermuda is the guys' relationship with Emily, and can I just ask what kind of drugs is Chris Harrison on that make him spout such nonsense?

Emily comes out and says she can't believe how fast time goes and feelings and harder and blah blah blah decision blah blah. She thanks them for making her feel like the most blessed girl in the whole world.

Let's get to it: Sean. Arie (he kisses her, and Ryan looks like he might throw up). Travis. Chris. Ryan. Sure! Why shouldn't you keep a guy who think is manipulative? Kalon. The last rose goes to Alejandro, meaning Charlie and long-haired Michael are going home.

Michael hugs her and thanks her. He tells us that he's sad because he's never been in love before. He gets a little teary-eyed, probably because this right here is more screentime than he's had in all the weeks put together.

Charlie comes forward for a brusque hug. Outside he whines that it sucks that he won't continue on this beautiful journey that he's on, and then the waterworks start up again and he can't continue.

Inside, Emily toasts the survivors, and says they're going to London. I realize Londoners have survived fires, bombings and plagues, but I'm not sure it's fair to inflict Ryan and Chris on them.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Even guys who are 25 years old should know that if they're not smarter in five years than they are today, then something's probably wrong. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.