Welcome back to The Bachelorette. I wonder if Ashley has gotten out of bed after last week's devastating loss of Bentley and his metrosexual coif? I mean, she was pretty torn up about the early departure of the guy she hadn't even gone on a one-on-one date with... and, oh yeah, had just met two weeks ago. But still! If it could work for Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke (and 12 other guys) in Before Sunrise it could surely work here. Ashley claims Bentley had stolen her heart with his knave-ish ways, off-camera insults, and primping. Despite the fact that she was warned against him by the always-trustworthy Michelle Money and was told that Bentley was coming on the show for the wrong reasons. Namely, he wasn't looking for love, he was looking for cheap publicity for his "trampoline arena." I don't know what that is either, but I read it in US Weekly, so I know it comes from a "trusted source" and/or "close family friend."
Anyway, Ashley has the self-esteem of a bulimic flightless bird and Bentley couldn't even pretend that he was interested anymore and he left. And... who was that masked man? (Wow, I have ALWAYS wanted to say that.) Anyway, he's gone too. So how will the producers create drama now that the two-faced trash-talking trampoline-arena promoting Bentley is gone and the Hamburglar is out of the picture? Let's see shall we?
Chris Harrison wakes the boys wearing nothing but a carafe of coffee, a basket of freshly-baked pastries, and a smile. Also the news that Ashley is really, really serious about finding a husband from within the dregs of humanity (yes, Ames, dregs can be Ivy League as well, in fact they frequently are) that beg to be cast on this show. She is so serious that even has a vision board with a wedding dress, a ring, some verses of Khalil Gibran, and a picture of Chris Harrison dressed as a giant bicuspid officiating the ceremony. However, after last week's painful departure by Jeff, Ashley feels like she needs a fresh start to the whole process. And the only place to do that is Lacuna, Inc. Phuket, Thailand. Only option! Because Lacuna was booked. Although, if I was her I might consider huffing Wite Out for awhile to see if that helped at all.
When Harrison announces that the men must pack their bags and head East to embarrass our beloved nation by taking this humiliating display of American excess on the road, the men all fist pump, high five, man hug, and, honest to god, chest bump. It's a very manly display. Chris tells them it is wheels up in two hours, and he will see them there. I actually admire the fact that Chris won't fly with these chuckleheads.
After all that cheerfulness and excitement, you know what we need? Some whining! Ashley and the little grey cloud that follows her are mooning about in the exquisite setting of waterfalls, reflecting pools, and cascading flowers that are abundant in Phuket, which, by the way, is not pronounced FUCK-it, but POO-ket, which may or may not be less dirty. Ashley is, of course, immune to the beauty of her surroundings because she is moaning about Bentley. The man has international reach! Like an IHOP, but an IHOP where you can only get strawberry syrup, which is the WORST. Ashley whines for awhile and I ignore her, because I think we can all agree that Bentley is not going to important for the ending of this show. Unless, he uses one of the trampolines in his "trampoline arena" to bounce back in, he is gone for good and we can just stop talking about him, right?
Although, I have to say, all his friends (or at least the ones who talk to trusted news source US Weekly) claim that Bentley is the best and all the rude and crude things spilling out of his mouth were the result of "editing." There is editing, and there is magic. Just sayin'. So Ashley finally talks herself into giving the remaining twelve men a chance, thus ruining my secret hope that she would have a nervous breakdown, start rocking back and forth saying, "I'm a muffin! Butter me!" and then the show would be cancelled. Instead she heads inside to the product placed hotel's "Navigator" who seems more than a little surprised (bless you, Thailand) when Ashley explains that she brought twelve men with her and needs to "entertain" them. The Navigator (which sounds like the name of a lesser sentient being in a Star Trek spin off) shrugs and says, "Kayak trip?" Ashley whole-heartedly agrees to the pre-planned, pre-approved adventure.
We return from commercial break with the men gathered onto two couches listening to some appropriately Thai-ish music staring at a date card. The winner? Constantine. I don't remember who he is, either. He is kind of goofy looking, but he's tall and dark, so two out of three ain't bad. If you're his mother: For the love of god, DON'T READ THIS. And if you do, DON'T EMAIL ME. You made a goofy looking son, it's not my fault. Ashley wanted to take Constantine on a sea adventure, but the weather is bad and the sea is rough. Instead of reenacting the opening of Gilligan's Island, or, I don't know, Lost, they decide to stroll through town harassing the locals about how long they've been married and badgering them in English (!!) for 15 Tips to a Happy Marriage. They huddle under an umbrella and hold hands and try to out-cute each other. It's as repulsive as you think.
Back at the house, the men are huddled in one room waiting to be let out of the house on group date. Actually, are they allowed out of the house alone? Like, can they go roam the streets of Phuket and get tattoos, STDs, and amazing food? Or do they have to stay inside and wait for Ashley to invite them out, like reverse vampires? Anyway, the men receive their parole in the form of a group date. Ben F., J.P., Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William, and Ryan are all allowed out. Which means that Ames is the lucky duck who gets the one-on-one date.
Back outside, Ashley and Constantine are drinking, sweating like pigs (their words), and using some very large beer cozies. Ashley is, of course, still thinking about Bentley. Because Bentley is the best (for girls with no self esteem and a bad boy complex). But she is pretending to make due with Constantine by rubbing his knee like a patella fetishist. Then she and Constantine run through the streets of Phuket and annoy the locals, or at least me. Suddenly it is night and Ashley and Constantine have changed their outfits, which makes me think that the producers build in shit, shower, and shave time into each episode. I mean, Ashley wouldn't go to the bathroom on a date, would she? No, she would not. She would take to her bed and die of shame first. Or, you know, bladder explosion like Tycho Brahe, the famed Danish astronomer who refused to leave the table during a royal banquet to use the bathroom and died. He is a cautionary tale for the ages. Like I hope to be when I die from a DIY pedicure gone very awry. I will be the girl that is whispered about in bars where they say, "It could happen! Did you hear about Lulu Bates?" Anyway, don't hold it!
Ashley and Constantine head to a raised platform lounge bed (I'm sure it has a name and if I had free time to read the three copies of Architectural Digest I stole from my dentist's office, I could probably tell you what it is called) but it's like a bed, that is raised up, with a back rest, and a canopy. They hop in and embark on the most convoluted conversation about being there for the right reasons, opening up, being honest, remaining open, blah blah blah Bachelor buzzwords. They seem to really understand each other, which is good, because I don't and if they both really "get" what the other is saying, than they are perfect for each other. The end. Let's go home.
Back at the house, J.P., Blake, and Ben F. are all talking about Constantine's chances with getting to third on the first date. J.P. is shocked when he starts tallying up how many guys have kissed "his girl." Yes, already. Ashley has kissed everyone and this "chaps his hide." Ben F. sagely points out that he had better get used to it. Back on the beach, Constantine is doing his best to round home and make J.P. uncomfortable. He is explaining to Ashley that this is the "New and Improved" Constantine and he is excited to "be on this journey" with her. Ashley pretends that her date with Constantine has made her feel like she is back on track after her derailment at the Bentley crossing. Then she gives him a rose, but they don't kiss. They talk some more, but still, no kissing. Just when you start to wonder if Constantine bats for the other team, because Ashley puts out... kisses! And if you don't get a kiss from her, you are doing it wrong. Ashley does straddle him, though, but it's just for a piggyback ride.
So I guess the show came to Thailand during the rainy season, because it's pouring rain. This does not stop Ashley from bringing her group date to a local orphanage for a full interior and exterior paint job, landscape design, and toy delivery. Awww, The Bachelorette gives back. The menfolk are all touched by Ashley's open and caring heart (even though we all know it was a producer's idea, right? Get more callous, people!) and are eager to impress her with their own charitable contributions. They all get to work moving bunk beds, painting the walls, directing others to paint the walls, looking cute for Ashley, while reminding her that now isn't a time for flirtation, but to work for THE CHILDREN. Ashley smiles beatifically as the men improve the orphanage and she oversees their good deeds.
Then, lest you think The Bachelorette has gone soft, in the middle of all this charity, the men all start picking on Ryan for being too excited, enthusiastic, and helpful. Yes, it can be annoying when someone points out that you missed a spot, but when that guy then jumps up on a bunk bed and finishes the paint job you botched, just give it up! The men all grouse about how he's bossy and go-getter-ish and "a leader," but when you let loose a solar-energy business owner (read: a well-groomed hippy) loose in an orphanage, what did they think would happen? Also, the show needs drama now that Bentley and the Hamburglar are gone. So, Ryan gets the drama card, for being happy, enthusiastic, and good-natured. At the end of the work day, Ashley lines the men up to be adulated by the children. They present the kids with toys, bikes, and the kids run around the orphanage like it just got Extreme Makeover-ed, when, in fact, it just got painted, which is kind of sad, when you think about it.
You know how there is a certain breed of Thai restaurants that are really modern with white lacquered bars, leather banquettes, tasteful palms, and neon uplighting? Well, the producers have managed to find one of those restaurants actually IN THAILAND! Ashley takes the men there after their long day of labor. Ashley has apparently given up getting dressed in the always-inclement weather and is wearing a bikini paired with a poncho made out of fishing net (I'm guessing) and stilettos. Very appropriate ...for nothing, ever! Also, her hair is not weathering the weather very well, but instead of sensibly pulling it into a ponytail or a bun, she is leaving it down and is trying to single-handedly bring bedraggled back. Ben F. thinks Ashley has been paying him special attention today, and sure enough she pulls him aside to tell him that he really impressed her by taking the initiative to paint a mural for the kids. Then Ashley brings up Bentley and tells her that he is confident that she will get over it. Then he kisses her. See? See? It's weird that Constantine didn't get his lip lock on.
Out in the bar, the men are all dissing Ryan, because they have nothing else to do. One of them makes the usual statement, "If she thinks he has the whole package, well, I..." the men don't let him finish, because NO WAY. Inside, Ashley is getting cozy with Ryan. He has his hand on her thigh and she claims that they have IT. It's too early for Chlamydia, so maybe she means chemistry? Outside, the men continue to curse his presence and claim that if he gets the rose again on the group date they will all just stamp their feet, pout, and leave. Then Ashley pulls J.P. out for a pina colada and a walk in the rain and some "I like you," "Really? Say it again." "I like you!" talk. Then they make out on the ground as chastely as possible for two people to make out on the ground. Then J.P. carries her back to the bar, just to piss off all the other men. Cut to Ames getting his date card and trying to muster enthusiasm for whatever may lay ahead. Ashley is about to hand out the rose, when Ryan jumps up and begs to have one more minute with her. Which is admittedly kind of annoying. The men grouse as Ryan hauls her out for a reminder of how awesome he is. They head back inside and, despite having made out with J.P. quite heartily, she gives the rose to Ben F. because OH MY GOD HE COMES WITH FREE WINE. The men look relieved that she didn't give the rose to their fabricated frenemy Ryan, but then just look pissed that Ben F. got it and Ashley declared that she was getting "strong feelings" for him. And to think, just last week she had "strong feelings" for Bentley!
The day Ashley wanders the beach thinking about moving past Bentley by bringing him up constantly. She knows she needs to "open her heart" to "connect" with somebody. She is waiting for Ames, who she knows is smart (he probably told her a bunch), but doesn't open up much in front of the other men. Ames tells us that he has been to Phuket several times, as one does when one is a portfolio manager. However, he always came alone (dirty) but now is ready for a woman's company. He further explains to Ashley that he came here once after college and then again for cooking school. And then with that one statement, a whole world opens up for Ashley. She suddenly imagines herself climbing mountains with a fleet of Sherpas carrying the heavy stuff, racking up passport stamps taking painting and language and cooking classes, and being a rich bitch with access to the Harvard Club. Ames is SO going to the final four. I mean, if you don't want to punch him, you want to marry him.
Out on the water, Ashley and Ames admire the lush surroundings and each other. Then they slip into a kayak and into a cave and into a... canyon? Hole? I don't know what you call it. They are in a lake inside a canyon and it is stunning. So beautiful in fact, that Ames is so overwhelmed by beauty that he can't continue to flirt with Ashley. They park their boat and eat a mangosteen and talk about first dates. As they step back into the kayak, Ashley opines that she could have missed this world traveling money bags if she had married herself off to the trampoline arena king of Las Vegas. Later, Ashley reminds us that she had Bentley tunnel vision (which is pretty much bullshit if you watch the tapes) and almost missed some great guys.
Ames and Ashley sit at dinner and Ashley exclaims that they are twinsies and it must mean something. They look nothing alike. I have no idea what she's talking about. But Ames just smiles and nods and they start comparing their nerdiness. Then Ashley claims that she wants her children to travel the world, which is totally just because hanging out with Ames, who has visited 70 countries, has made her realize it is possible. Ashley goes on and on about how much they have in common, and how much alike they are, and how great he is. They ask each other far more interesting questions than whatever the hell that ball of yarn she and Constantine were batting back and forth. The one question she doesn't ask is: Are Ames' teeth veneers? Or, does he not have back teeth? Why can we only see the very, very bright white front ones? As a dental student, Ashley probably knows the answers to these questions, but AMERICA DESERVES TO KNOW. Then Ashley gives Ames the rose, but they don't kiss. Ames swears that they did something more intimate than kissing, He watched her poop?! Oh, they talked about Serious Things. Whatever.
Later, Ashley decides to host a cocktail party as opposed to last week where she just chucked off Jeff, his mask, and some guy who is probably back at his day job and winking at girls on eHarmony already. But instead of just relaxing and enjoying her drunken carousing with twelve eligible men, she decides to take the cocktail party and turn it into a witch hunt for "The Bentley." The most likely guy to bail? West, the guy with the dead wife. She's not sure if he is ready to date or if she could ever live up to the memory of his dead wife, which actually are quite reasonable concerns. Well done, Ashley! A real concern! For once! West does his best to try and convince Ashley that he doesn't have a shrine to the dearly departed in his home, but she looks doubtful. Also, according to trusted (and apparently ONLY) news source US Weekly, West's wife was found with alcohol and marijuana in her bloodstream and had apparently attempted suicide a few times. Also, her family tried to implicate West in her death, but he was exonerated. See? US Weekly is almost worth paying for. I don't. I steal my neighbor's, but she considers it worth paying for. Ashley looks skeptical, but she's probably not going to kick him off until some customs officer unearths his wife's ashes in his carry on bag.
Then Ashley goes to talk to a guy... and I have no idea who he is. He is a divorced Southern gentleman, and Ashley makes him swear on a stack of dental textbooks that he is over his ex-wife. Ashley finally reminds us that the guy's name is Lucas. Doesn't really ring a bell, but I will believe the producers that he has been here all along. In order to ratchet up the drama, and Blake's (the man dentist) camera time, Blake decides to go tell Ryan to his face (like a man) that no one likes him. Ryan is genuinely taken aback that his zest for life is rubbing people the wrong way. He points out that there are soldiers in Iraq facing mortar shells every morning, so, yeah, he's happy to be in Phuket dating a Jazzercise instructor on national television. He's happy and he's going to let his little light shine as much as he wants. He's happy dammit! Then Ashley pulls him aside to talk and the first question out of his mouth is, "You're so happy all the time." Ryan blinks a few times and then laughs that everyone thinks he's so happy! Ashley asks him to explain and he briefly tells her what Blake said about him rubbing the guys the wrong way with his Pollyanna act. He goes on to remind us all that life is brief and he wants to enjoy every minute of it. Ashley approves of that statement.
And then Chris Harrison makes his Thai debut (except for that time at the bar with the girl with the man bits, but he's legally unable to talk about that). He seems unaffected by the heat as he is wearing a full suit and a tie and his hair looks as Brillo Pad-ish as ever. Maybe he is a witch? He pulls Ashley aside to chit-chat about how many guys she has Frenched on national television this week. She happily reports that she had a great week. Chris asks if she is moving past Bentley, and she says, no. She admits that she may never be over Bentley because she didn't get any closure with him. I guess when she sees him being a dick in front of six million viewers she will get her closure. However, she is starting to sense that there are some relationships blossoming that could be better than what she had with Bentley.
Then she tells Chris about her date with Ames and what a pleasant surprise it was. She was planning on sending him home, but now she is considering spending her life with him. She doesn't want to make that same potential mistake with any other guys, so she asks Chris to give her an extra rose. That means that only one chuckleheaded yutz will be leaving us tonight, instead of the planned two. Chris says no problem, which can only mean one thing: There is more drama brewing and someone else will make an untimely departure later in the show, preferably a la the gimpy wrestler who ran away through the shrubbery when Ali confronted with evidence that he had a girlfriend back home. That was quality television.
At the Rose Ceremony, Chris reminds us that Ames, Ben F., and Constantine are all safe. Chris then explains that Ashley asked him to do her a great favor and let her keep an extra man around. He presents an extra rose so that Ashley can be sure that she doesn't let the right guy go home before his time. Then Ashley comes out and thanks them all for the amazing week. Then she hands the first rose to Lucas, who whoops like he won a bet at the track, and I guess I have to learn his name now? is Enthusiastic Ryan, followed by J.P. and Nick, who we know nothing about except that he appears to use both Sun In and Jheri Curl products on his odd hair. Mickey gets pinned , followed by Blake the man dentist, William the disgraced, and then it is the last rose. We know this because Chris Harrison makes a living announcing it. The last rose goes to... Ben C. a.k.a. Young Matlock. Which means West, the sad-eyed, not convicted wife killer, is heading back to America. As he is shuffled off to the airport, he sighs that he had his one great love and was hoping to find another. Gah, he's totally basing his life on a Richard Gere movie. West swears he wasn't going to replace his dead wife, but move on from her. I guess that means Ashley is going to be haunted by his dead wife forever. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Looks like week are biggest problem will not be the ghost of West's dead wife, but the ghost of maybe Bentley? If it's him, it is only because the producers didn't tell him what the humidity and rain would do to his hair.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is haunted by the ghost of good television. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers