Welcome back to The Bachelorette. As you may recall, despite being surrounded by 15 eligible bachelors, Ashley is still determined to be her own Enemy of Love and is still mooning over Bentley. Yes, Bentley the guy WE all know is a dick, or at least (according to his friends) skillfully edited to look EXACTLY like one, although no one can edit him to say such delightful things as, "It could have all turned out different if Ashley was Emily," supposing of course that Emily likes total dicks, which clearly she does because of Brad Womack? He's a dick. So yes, maybe Bentley and Emily stood a chance, but unfortunately Ashley isn't Emily and Ashley is here and, thus, Bentley was just going through the motions in order to garner publicity for his "trampoline arena" until he got sick of it and decided to go home, breaking Ashley's slightly stupid heart in the process. Wow, THAT was an exhausting sentence.
Anyway, from the way Ashley is sniveling over Bentley, I think it is clear 1) Why Ashley is single and 2) Why she liked Brad so much and 3) That she is only wants things she can't have and 4) If we drink every time she says "Bentley" we will all be quite soused by the end of the first hour. Maybe Ashley can borrow Brad's traveling therapist for awhile? Anyway, last week Ashley decided to try and make this show remotely interesting by getting out of bed, not crying for five minutes at a stretch, and actually dating the 11 guys she is contractually obligated to date on national television. So she had dates with Constantine and Ames and a group date with everyone else and she decided (again) that her husband was in that group (again).
Now the clusterchump and their accompanying woman of marriageable age are saying Fuck it to Phuket and flying off to Chiang Mai. Then we get the fortune-cookie editing treatment where every statement any of the men make is edited to include "for love" so we all remember that at it's pure and unadulterated core, this show is about Love. Also money, ratings, and STD prevention, but also Love. The bachelors are all extremely excited to fly around the world! [Edited to add: For Love.] They can't wait to see Chiang Mai [For Love]. They hear it's an amazing city [For Love.] Nick, for whom, I have an unreasonable yet overwhelming desire to punch in the face every single time I see him on the screen, reminds us that Ashley had it tough last week what with all the weeping and wailing over some jackass with Monchichi hair. Now Nick hopes that they have wiped the slate clean and Ashley can continue on the road to love. Shut! Up! Nick! Seriously, take your stupid soul patch, weird frosted maybe mullet, and get off my screen (also my lawn).
In Chiang Mai, Chris Harrison greets us in an all khaki ensemble to give us the day's product placed hotel, which I am not paid to write about so I will not. (Mandarin Oriental, call me!) The men take part in the obligatory ooh-and-ahh walk around the hotel, while we cut to Ashley wearing a shirt dress and heels as she walks through the hotel garden. She reminds us that last week she was "in a dark place" (read: her bed) after "everything that went down with Bentley" (almost offering him sex to stay on national television) but now she has "turned a page" (been reminded that she needs to get out of bed) and she is ready to "see the guys" (pick the least yicky of the bunch to be married off too old timey style). Meanwhile, Chris is explaining to the scrum of hair gel-wearing white guys that Ashley is looking for her husband (collective gulp) and that means a group date, a one-on-one date, and a three-way. Don't look alarmed, a little guy on guy action is okay in a three-way. Andy Samberg said so.
Harrison reminds them that a three-way means whoever doesn't get a rose is immediately off the show. Harrison leaves the men with the threat that he will see them again. The first date card arrives and Ben F. gets his number called. Ashley comes to greet him and the men all pretend they are super jealous that he gets to leave the hotel with Ashley, when really they are probably jealous merely of the fact that he gets to leave the hotel. I am a cynic (does it show?) and just don't believe that these guys are in love with her at all. Mostly because I find her completely annoying, but also because most of them have spent a sum total of two hours with her and I don't think love is possible in two hours of group chit chat. Anyway. Love is in the air.
Ashley and Ben F. head out in a little tuk tuk and go to a local market. Ashley immediately points and shrieks, "I love this stuff!" This stuff being the Thai way of life? Anyway, insert a giant rambling screed about "otherizing" and "otherization" and "The Other" and what a cultural dingbat Ashley is. Ashley and Ben F. hold hands and make schmoopy talk about how it feels like they are already boyfriend and girlfriend and they are tourists tromping through the market in their polo shirts and high heels. Then they hold hands and ogle the super neato Buddhist temple and try really really hard not to commit sacrilege by kissing in front of it. Instead they hold hands, semi-grope each other, kiss WITH THEIR MINDS, which is probably sacrilege in itself, and talk A LOT about how much they want to kiss, but won't because of the whole sacrilege thing. Please remind me never to travel the world with Ashley. What? It could happen. Anyway, they leave so they can grope each other away from the prying eyes of Buddha, who is apparently quite nosy.
Later Ashley and Ben F. make some poor employee of the hotel arrange thousands of flower petals in a kind of mandala-esque arrangement around their dining table. It's a good think child labor laws do not apply to flower arranging. I mean, their little hands are just so good at getting the petals in just the right spot, you know? Ben and Ashley gasp in pleasure at the romantic extravagance. When a servant comes to serve the wine, Ashley can't help but ask Ben F. if it's his wine... that they are serving... in Thailand. Oh shut it. So then Ashley compliments his wine and asks if she can help him make it and he nods eagerly, because he needs cheap labor in the grape picking fields. Then Ben F. "opens up" and tells Ashley about coming to terms with his dad's death and his love of wine. Ashley can totally relate, because she also has a love of whine. See what I did there? I am right.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, which still has not emailed me with a special promotional offer so that I will write about it in glowing yet completely objective terms, the menfolk get their group date card. Since the only other option is a three- way date, the guys really hope to get invited out for the group date. Whoever isn't called is getting sent on a forced three way. So who are the big losers? William, who lost his early frontrunner status by making Ashley cry with his really lame jokes, and Ben C. a.k.a. Young Matlock. They start hissing at each other and peeing on the furniture to show they are tough.
Back on the date, things are getting real as Ben F. talks about wine some more (OH MY GOD, MARRY ME, BEN F.! I LIKE FREE WINE, TOO!) and Ashley announces that she can really see a life with Ben F. She claims she is finally feeling hopeful, which is the same thing that she said last week with Ames, but who is keeping track? Oh yeah, me. Ashley thinks she can really see an every day life filled with child flower arrangers, drinking wine served my men dressed in all white while a baker's dozen of beautiful young women dressed in silk dance and blow fire around them. You know, just your average Wednesday night in Philadelphia. I've never been to Philadelphia, so I am just guessing. Ashley gives Ben F. the rose and they kiss while the twelve dancing virgins gathered around them try really hard not to stare as the kissing takes an awkward turn towards second.
The day, it is time for the group date and all the men (save for William and Young Matlock) head out of the as-yet-to-be-named hotel in their t-shirts and khaki shorts. It seems that at least five of the men have opted to wear sneakers with no socks in the Thai heat, so let's just hope they keep their shoes on, because I'm pretty sure we could catch that aroma across the bounds of time and space and television. Ashley announces that the men are going to be trained as Muay Thai boxers and then they will fight for her love in a sort of primogenitor primal caveman thing. She is just that type of girl. The men are all game, despite the fact that it's freaking Muay Thai boxing, which is a particularly brutal anything-goes-style of fighting where feet, legs, hands, pianos, flower pots, anvils, and almost anything that Merry Melodies can dig up is allowed. Ashley giggles as she watches the men train and keeps saying, "It's pretty hot."
Ames admits he has never been in a fight in his life, but is prepared to kick some ass for Ashley. Ames is the only guy who doesn't claim to some fighting prowess or to have some history of street brawling (shut up, Lucas, slap fights outside of Sunday School don't count). Ames claims Ashley is worth it, but I really doubt it. Ashley says the men are "hot" about twelve more times and then decides to make the men fight for her love. She puts them all in a cab and they head to a local boxing ring and the men are paired off and she makes them fight each other. The editors give us a few more interviews where Ames explains that he knows the fighting is going to be brutal, but he is game. For Ashley. I assume this is foreshadowing for Ames dying or something. The men all start to realize that shit just got real and Ashley is completely crazy. I mean, I'm no guy and I don't have balls or testosterone, but if somebody made me physically fight somebody to prove my love, I would throw down my rose, throw up my hands, and be DONE. I mean, come on.
The first guys to fight are Blake and Lucas, who I don't care about one way or the other. Blake wins by kneeing Lucas in the ribs while socking him in the face. That's when Ashley starts to think the date might be a little out of control. But still hot, obviously. Mickey and J.P. are and Ashley covers her eyes and cringes on the sidelines while J.P. punishes Mickey with a brutal onslaught of punches. As J.P. says, "The Jew from Long Island kicked the Irishman's ass." into the ring are Ames and Ryan P. the solar energy almost hippie. Ryan does not hold back as he wails on Ames' Ivy League-educated head. Dude, that's an expensive noggin, go easy! No one cared that Ryan won the bout, because Ames was so badly beaten and they are all worried about him. T-minus five minutes until hospital visit?
The producers don't care, they throw Constantine and Nick into the ring to battle to death. Adding insult to injury, Ashley isn't even watching their fight as she is so concerned about Ames who is staring blankly into space while his over-educated head goes kablooey. Constantine lives my dream and kicks Nick's in the face as Ashley goes to fetch a doctor. Are the producers even watching? Why does it seem that Ashley is doing this all by herself? Did the producers really just chuck the men into the ring and then go out for noodles? Ashley runs off to find a medic and ends up tucking a dazed Ames into an ambulance. Ames is such a nice guy that he apologize TO HER for having such a delicate constitution and not being able to withstand 47 consecutive blows to the head. Candyass. Ashley claims she feels super bad as Ames is taken to get an MRI in Thailand. As he is wheeled through the hospital, we get an up-the-pants shot and we almost get to see some Ames' underwear, which is the most exciting thing to happen on this show so far.
Later, the group date continues, but Ashley is feeling pretty bad about the fact that she made her suitors beat the shit out of each other for her viewing pleasure. She makes them all recount what it's like to be hit while she gasps in horror/hotness. Ryan P. feels super bad about bashing Ames in the face repeatedly, but Ashley made him do it and she thinks it's pretty butch for an almost-hippy. So as he expresses his condolences to Ames' face, he also shows off his battle scars to Ashley, who looks touched that he would do that just for her.
Then Ames shows up and everyone gathers around him and Ashley runs into his arms. He flashes his half smile and admits that he is "in love" and also "has a mild concussion." As Ashley smiles that he is okay, his eyes go cross-eyed, and he wobbles a little. She should really go tuck him into bed. Instead she goes to chit-chat about flossing with Blake, who tells her that he doesn't trust instantly hot relationships, so he should be the big winner because who the heck cares about him? Then she gets fake golf lessons from Lucas, which she claims is also hot, which makes me think it is the only adjective she knows. I mean, golf? Hot? Then Ashley gives the date rose to Blake, when CLEARLY she should have given it to Ames, the guy she sent to the hospital. I mean, has she no decency? So Blake the other dentist gets the rose and Ames gets a champagne toast. Should he really be drinking? Well, whatever it takes to dull the pain, I guess.
The day, while all the good man meat has turned black blue, and needs a day to recuperate, Ben C. and William prepare to square off in a fight that has no ring, but ends in sudden death. If by "death" you mean going home. Although for William, going home does mean a return to cell phone sales, so he would probably rather die... although I may be projecting. Ashley is taking her three-way with William and Ben C. for an elephant ride that will probably get the Chiang Mai branch of PETA's panties in a twist. Ashley reminds the men that she knows how awful these two-on-one dates are, because she has been there herself. She suggests they all just get drunk and get this thing over with, eh? The men make some more territorial pissings about how they are going home with the rose and the dame.
William, Ben C., and Ashley float down a river through an elephant infested swamp and end up at a ménage a trois, picnic style. William decides to throw Ben C. "under the bus" whilst claiming that he is doing no such thing. He tells Ashley that Ben C. is super excited to get home and try out his newfound D-level fame on the dating sites. Ashley "knows" that William would never lie or cheat or mislead her about this, and she takes these accusations really seriously. So she sends Ben C. home immediately without any chance to defend himself, Jr. Matlock-style.
As William gloats and chortles, Ashley tells Ben C. that she wants to talk to him, which he appreciates, because he doesn't really know what is going on, but he knows William is behind it. Ashley tells him that she knows he mentioned dating sites and she has a zero tolerance policy for her bachelors mentioning "dating," "girls," a future that does not include her, and any mention of the existence of any other women in the world except their own mothers. Ben C. claims that he was genuinely taking this whole process quite seriously, which I believe because Young Matlock is nothing if not earnest. He states for the record that if he mentioned dating sites it was in jest and taken out of context to stab him in the back. He glares in William's direction, but Ashley doesn't care. Zero tolerance is zero tolerance and mere rumor or speculation is enough for her. For a lawyer, Ben C. does a really shitty job of defending himself, but there is no arguing against CRAZYCAKES. Ashley claims she knew it was time for him to go home anyway and this just made it easier. Ben C. heads back on the raft, while William and Ashley go cavort with elephants.
Now that William has eliminated Ben C. from the competition, he is making the most of his date with Ashley. He is hoping to reignite the sparks that he and Ashley once had way back when. But ever since he made Ashley cry she has been reassessing the statements that he made during their very successful first date. Now statements like, "I'm a thirty-year old boy!" are no longer deemed "charming," but rather sad indicators of immaturity and an indulgent clinging to adolescence. While William thinks getting rid of Ben C. has won him the rose, Ashley is searching for a spark and not finding it. So she sends him packing too. He looks hurt, but come on: YOU MADE HER CRY. What did he expect? There are ten other men on the show who did not maker her cry, clearly they are at an advantage!
So Ashley walks William out, because she knows now that she is looking for a man, not some perma-teen with a crappy sense of humor. As William is swept away, he gets a hard dose of reality, that his "life is full of BLEEP" and if he leaves here he goes back to nothing. And by nothing he means cell phone sales in a small town in Ohio. He stares blankly into space and yearns to "curl up in bed and not wak[e] up." Oh shoot, he and Ashley had so much in common! If only they could have talked about the joys of suicidal ideation and the desire to stay in bed and cry all the time. Now THAT would be a solid basis for a long lasting and healthy relationship.
As William sinks into his shame spiral (don't worry, maybe Bachelor Pad will come aknockin', they like to prey on the desperate), Ashley is letting her insecurities get the better of her. The boldly efficient move of sending two guys home has her contemplating life, the universe, incisor health, and, of course, whether or not the men are here for the "right reasons." Good god she's annoying. As Ashley not-at-all melodramatically watches William's useless rose burn burn burn in the fire, she voices her fears that this really trustworthy and time-tested process to find long lasting love will not work for her.
Back at the hotel, the men are cheering that two more contenders are down for the count. Not like Ames was, but more permanently. We also get a hint of the fact that Ryan P. might actually be really annoying to live with in close quarters as he enthusiastically fake drop kicks William's suitcase out the door.
Later, Ashley is feeling like something in the whole process is "off." So she goes to talk to the guys and remind them that last night was really hard for her and she knows it is only going to be more difficult. She instructs the men to be honest and true and open about their feelings for her. She pitifully adds that she knows they won't all fall in love with her, but... Instead of making gagging noises the men all coo quietly, because I guess being pathetically insecure is a highly-prized trait in a mate? I don't know. She makes me want to slap some sense into her, give her a shot of bourbon, remind her that she is a size- zero Ivy League-educated Jazzercise instructor with a perfect nose and good skin and then we can dance around the kitchen singing into our hairbrushes along to Sleater/Kinney's "Dig Me Out" or Liz Phair's "Fuck and Run" or something. Either that or buy her a backbone on eBay. So most of the men notice that something is wrong and rush to make her feel loved and comforted and assure her that they are there for the "right reasons" and are being "open" and "honest."
Ryan P. goes first and you can already tell that Ashley is losing interest in him. She stares off to the side as he expresses his love for her. She pats him on the hand and says it's all fine. Constantine tells her that he likes the fact that she's a "real girl" and not like those plastic ones he has stuffed into the closet in his frat house. I wish Ashley would date him just so she can convince him to get a freakin' haircut. Also not to wear light green shirts with purple ties unless it is Easter Sunday and you are a rabbit. After his brief time with Ashley, Constantine goes to talk to the other bachelors. He makes it real for the men reminding them that they have to bring this insanely bipolar perky depressive girl home to meet their parents. Are they all prepared for that?
Then Nick sits down with Ashley and he manages to be even more poorly dressed than Constantine. Ashley is still moping when she goes to sit with J.P., who assures her that he thinks of her as his one-and-only and he is in heavy like with her. Then he compliments her outfit and she compliments his. She stares at him and sighs wistfully when he asks what is going on in her head. She ditches J.P. and starts moaning to the camera about Bentley (some more, again) and how she needs closure and she will never get over him ever never. So are they going to bring the schmuck back on or what? Promise him some promo time for his trampoline arena, get him over here, and be done with this, because it is nothing but annoying, repetitive, and boring. If I wanted to hear someone whine obsessively about a guy who is just not that into her I would watch Sex and The City re-runs, where at least they are better dressed.
Ashley mopes about some more and then goes to talk to Chris Harrison about her undying need for closure about Bentley. To her credit, she does seem a little embarrassed about the fact that she is still daydreaming about what could have been with that yutz. Harrison, to his credit, pinches his mouth shut and shakes his head at Ashley's big old bunch of stupid. She claims she feels really strongly about some of the guys, but keeps thinking about Bentley. Harrison points out (rightly) that she is not being fair to the men on the show, because she is not going to find love if she is constantly thinking about Bentley. He asks her what she wants to do. She claims she just wants to talk to Bentley and ask him a few simple questions like, "Do you like me?" She adds that if Bentley doesn't like her, she will respect that and not stalk him or anything. Chris Harrison rolls his eyes and shakes his head and says he will see what he can do. Does she know they are in Thailand? Is she aware of that? Ashley nods and Chris tells her he'll work on it.
However, she has a Rose Ceremony tonight and she needs to send someone home. Can she stop moping over the chucklehead who left her long enough to go kick someone off the show? She says she'll try. I am so scared for the world when Chris Harrison makes perfect sense.
It's finally time for the Rose Ceremony. The men are all lined up and Harrison gives them the rundown: Two guys (Ben F. and Blake) have roses and there are six more to hand out. Ashley comes in and strings together a bunch of words about honesty and how she hopes this Rose Ceremony is honest or something. Oh whatever. Then she gives Constantine the first rose. Lucas gets the second. Wouldn't it be funny if Ames got a concussion and not a rose? J.P. gets the third rose. Ames finally gets a rose, and fourth place is pretty lousy for a guy who got a foot in his face for love. Mickey is and then it is the final rose of the evening.