Welcome back to The Bachelorette. Where the girls are [really freakin' desperately] perky and the men are all in it for the "wrong" or "right" reasons and only time, editing, and maybe a few beer bongs will tell which is which. As you may recall, last week Ashley, our dentist/Jazzercise instructor, started thinning the herd. However, she kept Zorro the Dorko in his filigreed mask, because the producers think we are into that sort of thing. She also kept Bentley, even though before the show started filming, the heaven's opened, and God spoke to her and warned her that Bentley was there for the "wrong" reasons and merely wanted to promote his business (which appears to involve being a dick publicly, although I'm not sure how you make money off of that unless you're a corporate attorney.) As with many Biblical harlots, Ashley ignored God's words of warning and has been sucking face with Bentley ever since. God will probably smite her, but I bet they are saving that for sweeps.
The show begins not with an Old Testament plague of locusts (sad, I know), but with a stern reminder from Chris Harrison that Ashley is deluded and thinks her husband stands amid the gathered greasy beaus. They must all play along so as not to send the crazy lady over the edge. To help her find her true prince among the many many frogs, they are sending Ashley on a series of dates. First up? Ben C. the charming bilingual bachelor lawyer from New Orleans, Louisiana. I have nothing bad to say about Ben C., or as I prefer to think of him, Young Matlock. He seems to be a genuinely sweet guy, who, gag me gently with a chainsaw for saying this, seems to be there for the right reasons. He smiles bashfully when all the men hoot and holler at him for getting one of the prized one-on-one dates.
Jeff a.k.a. the Phantom of the Manor a.k.a. Zorro the Dorko is pouting that Ashley didn't choose him for the one-on-one date. Then he sighs wistfully that he is at a disadvantage because Ashley hasn't gotten to see his face yet, and because, oh, I don't know, NO GIRL WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH A WEIRDO IN A MASK. I mean, seriously, wearing a mask for days on end is mere baby steps, nay a gateway drug, from "It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again." Girls like to be alive and not skinned and worn as lady suits, Dorko! It's just this thing we do. We are kind of silly like that. Dorko promises that the time he is alone with her, he will reveal his true self. Please let it be Dave Coulier under the mask! Please please please.
Outside, Ashley pulls up in her product placed sports car and pauses at the door of the Man Manor to reflect on how lucky she is to be able to date 15 men simultaneously and have no one think she's a big time slut. If only we could all be so lucky. Then she heads in and goes to greet the scrum of bachelors awaiting her. She goes to find Ben C. to explain that she chose him for the date because he made her promise to include him the time there was dancing. He feigns excitement at public dancing, when it was clear that he just said that to suck up to her. When we cut to Ashley's interview, she explains that any notion that survived the multiple assassination attempts on Glee that flash mobs were a "cool" thing is officially dunzo. Yep, the coroner is calling it, flash mobs are dead. Sorry whatever hipster culture-jamming art group that started the trend (I suspect Germans), but Ashley and Ben C. are going to kill your little alt-dream right now.
Before they can pretend they are cool, Ashley drags Ben to a dance studio for a private lesson. Sadly, that's not a euphemism at all. Ben pretends to be enjoying himself and doesn't seem to ask why they are learning this dance, but instead accepts that Ashley likes to dance, so they are dancing, the end. Ben claims that watching Ashley do something that she loves is a better aphrodisiac than Spanish Fly and Colt.45 and a tequila shot combined. He is definitely smitten. Then the gruesome twosome head to a patch of green grass in the middle of a mall. Ben seems to think this is a fine place to pass an afternoon of canoodling, and then lets Ashley cajole him into performing their special dance in the middle of a gathered crowd of gawkers. I don't exactly know who these yokels are who feel the need to film an ex-Bachelor contestant on a date, but they are probably the same chuckleheads who stand behind barricades in Soho lining up to shop at DASH, the Kardashians' store. I mean, for the love of god, WHY? Don't you people have parents who love you?
Anyway, Ashley convinces Ben, who is either savvy enough to do anything to win, or is such a sap that he will do anything that Ashley asks, gets up and joins her in a little dance. Then everyone joins them in a flash mob ...sigh. They all dance while old people stare in wonder and amazement at the newfangled things the kids are up to these days. First the talkies, now this! The flash mobbers (who all need to get back to their day jobs, like, NOW) all perform Ashley's choreographed routine around the happy couple and then disappear into the ether. Because my day job is at IFC, I keep thinking of the Fred Armisen Portlandia sketch where he bikes around declaring, "This is SO over!" That's how I feel about this whole thing. It's SO over. Then Ashley surprises Ben by jumping on him and wrapping her legs around him and then with a performance by the Far East Movement ((I would say they were some band that no ones ever heard of, but their YouTube video got 68 MILLION views and I don't want to appear unworldly), whose agent and moms must be really proud of them for being on this show. As Ashley gets in touch with her inner Woo Girl, Ben realizes that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Sucker. Then the crowd shames Young Matlock into kissing Ashley and everyone cheers. Except me, because I am too busy watching Far East Movement videos on YouTube so I can seem as hip as a flash mob.
Later, Ben and Ashley clean up real nice for dinner atop a rooftop. Ashley asks Ben a seemly innocuous question and Ben starts talking really, really quickly about his desire to live in a bubble with someone and love them and squeeze them and hold them and keep them and call them George. (If you are too young for Merry Melody cartoons, or if your parents forced you to * shudder * play outside, here is the reference. You're welcome.) He wants to be under some sort of mutual psychosis where they both feel that they love each other more than anyone else loves anything or anyone in the entire world. While that sounds like living in a snow globe with a head injury, to me, Ashley's all into it. Like REALLY into it. While you expect Ben to clear the table with an arm sweep and start dry docking her poolside, they just sip their wine and coo at each other.
Cut back to the Man Manor where the group date card gets delivered. A Whitman's Sampler of men, including Ames the over-educated Ivy Leaguer and El Dorko and Bentley the Evil are all invited to make Ashley laugh. Back poolside, Ben and Ashley are declaring their love for each other and she gives him the rose. No humping happens. Stupid network television.
It is the day of the group date and the Phantom of the Manor is lurking on a Juliet balcony waiting for Ashley to arrive. He wants to talk and reveal his true self. (Please be Dave Coulier. Please be Dave Coulier.) So Jeff asks Ashley to go take a moment outside, and for some reason she complies. Ladies: Do not leave a crowded room to be alone with a masked man. DON'T DO IT. Ashley looks barely bemused by this whole schtick and looks relieved that Jeff is finally going to take the mask off. But ...he doesn't. He yammers on and on and on first, going so far as to claim that he is developing feelings for Ashley. Ashley smiles politely and then Jeff makes his big reveal: He is not Dave Coulier. Also he has a face and it's not horribly disfigured! Disappointing, I know. Ashley admits that he is older than she thought, but he pretty much looks exactly like you expect: Dark hair, blue eyes, acid burns forcing his face into a permanent smile. The usual. Ashley brings him back into the house to be closer to witnesses. Everyone claps politely for Jeff's face and finally head out on their group date.
As the men arrive at the scene of their clusterchump date, William reminds us that he did so well on his first date with Ashley that he is the frontrunner to get the rose again. Sorry dude, I read Reality Steve and I know what's what. I'm putting that on a t-shirt. The men are delivered into the hands of Roast Master, Jeff Ross. For some reason all the men pretend they know who he is on sight. One of the guys, Lucas, who I do not remember ever seeing before (white guys, man!) explains that Jeff Ross is famous for roasting Pam Anderson (boobs!) and David Hasselhoff (floor hamburger!). Jeff Ross explains that they are going to roast Ashley in front a of a full house. Maybe Dave Coulier will show up there? The men groan, because it is uniquely challenging to win the love of a girl you are skewering in front of a crowd.
Ames in particular is devastated at the thought of roasting his beloved. I guess he was too busy studying "How to Make Loads of Money and Roll Around In It" to spend a semester on the Harvard Lampoon. The men all retire to various corners around the bar to draft their mean-but-endearing speeches. William, however, seems this as not only a chance to win Ashley's heart, but more important to win Jeff Ross's. Roasting Ashley is just a stepping stone to roasting Susan Boyle (eyebrows!). He can't wait to make Ashley cry and Jeff laugh. Uh oh, is William there for the "wrong" reasons? Ashley claims she is excited for the evening, because she may learn something about the men, but we all know she is going to end up in tears, right? Right.
The show begins with Lucas, who plays it safe and only roasts his fellow bachelors. As does everyone else who follows, until we get to Jeff, who makes some weird and what I assume is wildly inappropriate joke about the size of her breasts. Everyone dies of the awkward. So Jeff sets the bar really low and yet even after hitting the bottom of the comedy barrel, the men manage to keep on digging.
It's a sea of lameness, until William the self-professed comic roasts the skin off Ashley (she's trash! she's not Emily! she has no boobs!) and he keeps going until she is crying in the corner. Well done! Bentley thought it was all true, but he would never say any of it, because he wants to win. Also, William wasn't even funny. And he failed to impress Jeff Ross, so he lost the girl and the gig of his dreams. William defends his excellent decision by throwing up his hands and declaring, "It's a roast! I had no choice! My craft demanded excellence!"
Bentley espies Ashley crying and goes to comfort her, not because he is a decent human being, but to "mess with her head." He's a delight. He hugs her while she sobs that she always knew the men were there for Emily and she was a huge disappointment. He cheers her up by promising that at least 24 of the 25 men were excited it was her. Then he makes a funny little smile that seems to imply that he is the one who doesn't like her. Then he laughs at her small boobs and she smiles like an idiot. She interviews that Bentley just made her feel better. He's a real man, and that's what she's looking for. Can we get to the bottom of the Bentley storyline already so I don't have to see him on my TV screen until his eventual redemption and casting as the "Bachelor"? Thank you.
Later, there is supposed to be a party underway, but everyone is pretty glum. The guys all think William crossed a line, and he is still standing in a corner yelling, "It was A ROAST! If she's not crying you're not doing your job!" Then a still-tearful Ashley comes out and dabs at her eyes as she explains that she is, in fact, not Emily, and never will be. And could any of these men actually date a woman with a NASCAR pedigree and a six-year old daughter? Ames, maybe, although the chances of him even knowing NASCAR exists, let alone needs to be written in all capital letters, are slim. Anyway, Ashley hopes that the men will learn to love her for who she is (not Emily) and maybe one of them is rich enough to buy her some self-esteem?
William asks for a moment alone to try and explain that it was A ROAST! His explanation is weak and patronizing, he wants to make people laugh, everyday! It's his reason for living. He figured the best way to bring smiles to the faces of children across America was to call Ashley Brad Womack's trash. Ashley claims it hurt so much because she cares about him. At that point William realizes he screwed up big time. He starts tearing up and it is hard to say whether he really thought it was all in good fun until he realized the grave error or whether he just doesn't like seeing girls cry. Then William tries to recuse himself from the proceedings. He wants to pack his bags and go home, but he starts with a walk. In L.A. I know! Who does that? How did he get there? Did a production assistant have to drive him so they could get long shots of him walking mournfully down Vine street?
As William makes sorrowful noises to himself, Ashley is going through the motions back at the Man Manor. She pretends to listen to heartwarming tales, like Jeff waxing on about his rescued three-legged dog. Ashley is just too distracted by thoughts of William playing a bit part in Nighthawks at the Diner to have her cockles warmed by the tale. William sits in a darkened alley thinking about what he's done. He knows he doesn't deserve a second chance, but really hopes he gets one and can earn her trust back. Ashley is moping that no one will ever be able to cheer her up, and then someone does. Magic! What's his face, the solar powered guy tells her that she is who he wanted on the show. He didn't want Emily with her too shiny teeth and Flowers in the Attic hair, he wanted Ashley and her stunning neuroses and low self esteem. Ashley is so touched that she lets him go to first.
Meanwhile, there are a bunch of men who are just sitting around the house completely in the dark about Ashley's world of sorrows. A date card arrives, and J.P. is invited out for some one-on-one time. His nose is shining in joy and anticipation at being let out of the house. Meanwhile, Ashley admits to Bentley that she was warned about him, by none other than Michelle Money. No wonder she's not taking the warning seriously, Michelle is completely cuckoocakes! I wouldn't believe her is she told me the underpants I was wearing were on fire. Ashley elaborates and says that she was warned Bentley was there to promote something and then would leave the competition. Bentley nods and then guesses that the intel came from Michelle, who is friends with his ex-wife. He convinces Ashley that Michelle is untrustworthy and a walking Planter's peanut, minus the adorable monocle and top hat.
Then Ashley coyly tells him that if he left right now she would be crushed. Bentley cuddles her and tells her it is all going to be okay. Ashley interviews that Bentley makes her feel safe and warm and infested with butterflies. However, when it comes time to deliver the rose for the evening, she gives it to Ryan, the guy with the solar-powered smile who actually deserves it. Bentley views this as the ultimate betrayal and uses it as justification for continuing to be a dick.
In the morning, Ashley is la la la ling around her backyard planning her wedding to Bentley. She thinks today is the first day of her love story. Meanwhile, Bentley is packing his bags, because he is going home. Now. He tells the camera that he is not attracted to Ashley, never was, and was just on the show to hunt defenseless little sad eyed kittens for sport. He tells the men that he is leaving because he misses his daughter and can't be away from her any longer. The men all nod solemnly and commend him for his excellent parenting.
In an interview Bentley scoffs that he played everyone, because he was really leaving because he didn't find Ashley attractive. I guess we are supposed to be all, "Oh SNAP!," but isn't leaving the right thing to do if you're not attracted to the girl? And how exactly did Bentley "play" everyone? Because he said he was leaving for one good reason, but really it was another? It's like someone who thinks surreptitious puppy petting is a crime, and sneaks around petting puppies on the D.L., when really it is perfectly legal if creepy behavior. I mean, who cares? Besides, the guy is off my TV.
I know they are spinning Bentley into the Biggest Villain Ever To Roam the Set of The Bachelor, but it just seems like he left because he wasn't attracted to Ashley and maybe missed his daughter and then decided to go out with a bang by saying a whole bunch of crude things in the post-exit interview because WHY THE HELL NOT. I mean, leaving for the "right" reasons is much less dynamic television than leaving for the "wrong" reasons. So Bentley wanted to take his 15 minutes of fame as a reality show dickweed. His mother must be so proud, but I don't care. This is why we watch: Entertainment.
Bentley then heads to Ashley's house to tell her the news. He expects she will cry, but he doesn't look especially happy about it. She opens the door cautiously and he asks for a hug. OH MY GOD HOW DARE HE. Ashley looks suspicious, but hugs him. They head inside and holds Ashley close. He runs his hands over Ashley's head and shoulders and hugs her as he tells her that he is leaving because he misses his daughter. Ashley understands, but cries. We cut to Bentley laughing, "Bwah ha ha, she fell for it." Cut back to Bentley hugging Ashley as she cries and he explains that he just loves his little girl sooooo much and he can't bear the thought of her asking where he is. So he holds Ashley as she cries and moans about how she will find love now that Bentley is gone. She's known him for a whole five days! How will she survive without him? Cut to Bentley whining about how annoying it is to comfort a crying girl and how he simultaneously wants to leave, but also wants to hook up with her if she is, you know, feeling vulnerable and needy. I mean, who wouldn't want to tap a girl who comes with so much mascara running down her face that she looks like Alice Cooper?
Bentley finally extricates himself from Ashley and adds as a final kick in the ass that, "It probably would have turned out differently if the Bachelorette had been Emily." But he doesn't say that to Ashley, he just kisses her and tells her she can do it and everything will be okay. As Bentley walks off, Ashley retreats to her bedroom to ugly cry in peace while her voice over explains how miserable she is and heartbroken and not Emily she is. He's a dick. Worse, a fake dick! A dildo! (Hi mom!) Also, you didn't give him the rose during your date, so you know there are other options. So get out of bed, fix your damn face, do some jazz hands, and start dating your 15 other boyfriends. Sheesh.
Later, Ashley moons around her house wondering if this will ever work. When she falls in love, she falls hard, and she can't recover enough to fake it for the other men. Oh shut up. You knew the guy for less than a week! You are not in love! I'm going to get my Cher on and demand that you Snap Out Of It! Also, Ashley has a hot date with J.P., who shows up at Ashley's house with a bouquet and a sweet endearing smile and a shoulder to lean on. Ashley is wearing her slippers, but J.P. seems to think it's fine. They sit by the fire, sipping wine, until Ashley announces she wants to slip into something more comfortable. Like her jammies. She even takes out her contacts and rocks the four eyes look. Some producer gave J.P. some lounge pants so they pretend it's a pajama party, and not a pity party.
As Ashley pouts over another man, J.P. reminds her that he, for one, really wants to be there and she's going to be okay. All across America hearts melt. Ashley gives him a rose and promises him a better date time. Then she pulls a librarian, takes off her glasses, lets down her hair and they make out. Then she apologizes four times for not being more fun. Pish posh, girl! Is there anything more fun than being apologized to over and over again?
It's time for the Rose Ceremony, but Ashley is running late. She is too heartbroken over Bentley's departure to even think about the other men. She tears up again as she stares at his picture in the pre-rose ceremony room. She claims that last week she saw her husband in the room ...and now she doesn't. World's smallest violin, girl! Chris Harrison catches her sniveling over the picture of the dearly departed. He gets her to sit and listen to some reason. He points out that Bentley could have stayed if he wanted to. He could have fought for her if he wanted to be there. But he left. She was warned about him and maybe the forbidden nature of the relationship may have fueled her fucked up low self-esteem fire. Ashley nods. Oh my god, Chris Harrison may have earned his keep. That mail-order psychology degree from University of Phoenix (he studies when he's off camera between the date announcement and the Rose Ceremony) really came in handy!
Ashley tells him that she doesn't want a cocktail party tonight, but instead wants to go straight to handing out roses. Chris heads out to break it to the men. William looks miserable in the corner wishing he hadn't hurt Ashley's feelings at the Roast and started the shame spiral. Chris reminds everyone that two people are going home tonight. Ashley comes out and expounds further on her insecurities. Sexy, right? She reminds them that she got her feelings hurt at the Roast and then again when Bentley split, so she just didn't have the energy for a cocktail party. She cuts to the chase and starts shelling out roses: Constantine, West, Mickey, Ben F., Blake, Nick, Ames, and Lucas all accept their roses. Then it is the final rose of the evening. William rocks back and forth in agony, but obviously Ashley gives him the rose. He tells her not to even ask if he will accept it. He apologizes again.
Obviously Jeff a.k.a. the Phantom of the Manor a.k.a. El Dorko is out because without his mask, the producers have no reason to force Ashley to keep him around. I would tell you who left with Jeff, but I honestly have never seen this so-called Chris D. before. Are we sure he has been there since the beginning? Ashley toasts everyone, but it is clear that her heart isn't in it. As we leave, the producers feel it is wise to leave us with a shot of Jeff -- in his mask -- taking a crap on the can while Bentley stands to him peering in the mirror and tenderly fixing each tuft of hair to create the perfect bedhead look. It's a scene so utterly disturbing I will probably never sleep again and will spend all night, every night, writing irate letters to ABC demanding restitution or at least counseling.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates also wishes Ashley was Emily. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers
Look back at the most jaw-dropping moments from this season -- so far.