Playing the Odds

S07E02

First there is the personal trainer with the Sun-In Frosted Tips who shows her how to line dance. Then William does some territorial peeing all over Ashley, reminding her that he saw her first. The Phantom of the Manor creepily watches them as they kiss and announces that he will reveal himself to Ashley tonight. I really hope he is just going to take off his mask and not reveal himself in other ways. Gah! Didn't I tell that guy to shut up? Why doesn't he listen? The producers eventually force Ashley to have a sit down with the Masked Man. He tells her that he had a brain hemorrhage at 29 and doesn't take life for granted. Then he got divorced, and is now really happy. Ashley's all, whoa whoa whoa, you were divorced? I mean, who cares about a brain hemorrhage? That can happen to anyone, the real question is who the heck married that guy? Then Jeff is just about to take off his mask, when some guy interrupts them. I guess there is a rule or something that when a man asks to talk, the belle of the ball must accept his invitation. Jeff quickly flees and heads downstairs, still in his mask.

Then Ben the lawyer from New Orleans reminds Ashley of his southern charms. Then Bentley reminds the world of his lack of charm. As William details his romantic date with Ashley (Rowboats! Roses! Kisses! Erupting water!) Bentley explains that he would rather "swim in pee" than plan a wedding with Ashley. Has he reminded us lately that she is "not his type" and is "not the girl of [his] dreams"? He can say it a few more times if necessary. This does not mean that he won't kiss her. So he swoops in and picks Ashley up and carries her to the fireplace, puts her in his lap, and then kisses her. He immediately decries it as "boring" and swears he is not going to be here for very long. Then Ashley explains that she has a great bullshit detector and knows that Bentley is really sincere. I kinda think Bentley has a serious defense mechanism going on. Also, he's a total dick.

Chris Harrison calls the boys to order and arranges them on the risers for their performance: The Rose Ceremony. Chris tells the men that he just talked to Ashley and she told him that she already has strong feelings for several of the men. Also that Bentley, Williams, and Mickey have roses already. Then Ashley comes in and assures the men that, "Her husband is standing in the room." They all start sweating and adjusting their ties. Then she starts handing out roses. West and his ghost wife get the first rose, followed by Constantine, Ryan P. (the guy who got the one-on-one date last week), and Ben the mini Matlock. Then we get a very long pause as Ashley kills time. Then Frosted Tips gets a rose. Ivy League Ames and Lucas (don't worry, I don't know who he is either) get the roses. Then Jeff the Masked Man himself gets a rose, which is just kicking a dead horse at this point, producers. Then J.P., Chris (no clue), and Mr. Free Wine For Life collect their boutonnieres. Chris Harrison makes his father super proud and announces that it is the last rose of the evening. The winner is? Blake, the dentist. Oh my god, she sent home the hairdresser Jason Schwartzman impersonator. WTF, girl, you are dead to me. Also leaving is Matt, who could have kept Ashley in paper clips and Post It notes for life. He goes outside and calls him mommy and begs her to pick him up at the airport, give him lots of loving, and make him French toast. Yeah, Ashley's really losing out on that one. Last out the door is Ryan M. who just wanted to care and love Ashley forever ...now has to go home. It would be so sad if he wasn't already dead behind the eyes.