Welcome back to The Bachelorette where the men are pretty and the women are pretty desperate... to find love! Also, some quality herpes. Like, the Harvard of herpes. Only the best will do! I don't know about you, but I have spent the last week on the edge of my seat (my dog was taking up the rest of it) wondering why Ashley had decided to keep an unshaven soapbox-toting idiot in an Eyes Wide Shut mask around. I mean, obviously the producers were like, "Keep the freak! He'll rope in the viewers, because the viewers are very easily distracted by... oooh shiny." Since we are supposed to care (and this early in the game the only things we can care about are A. The freak in the Hamburglar mask, but without the charming and delicious benefit of a stash of hamburgers, or B. The guy with the dead wife, or C. Bentley with his bad reputation and equally bad personality, or D. the guy who makes his own wine because OH MY GOD MARRY THE GUY WITH THE FREE WINE, the editors tease us with a reveal of the Masked Man's hideously deformed face. There is no way that will happen, so make yourself comfortable. I am dying to know who Ashley is going to pick for her first date! And by dying, I, of course, mean, remaining semi-conscious in front of the television set. For now.
After seven seasons of The Bachelorette and, what, ten seasons of The Bachelor? Chris Harrison is really dialing in his "work" at this point. So the fact that he hasn't even bothered to button his cuffs when he walks into the Bachelors' Axe-addled abode isn't exactly a surprise. I mean, the man counts roses on a reality show for a living. There is no way he tells his parents about his "career" and is greeted with any semblance of pride or respect. So he can't be expected to live up to the rest of society's standards when it comes to dressing for success. Chris rouses himself from whatever velvet-lined papasan chair he was nestled in and stumbles into the living room to remind the men that one of them will be forced to actually go on a date with Ashley today. She has been contractually bound to keep all discussions of oral hygiene to a minimum. Date card, group date, yadda yadda yadda. Then Chris Harrison shuffles back to his Habitrail of Tears to return to his quarters until the bell tolls for him. The bachelors all set their game face and pretend they really, really care if Ashley picks them first. This early in the game, it's still JV squad tryouts, but the more competitive men try to take it seriously.
Ashley picks William, the cell phone salesman from Ohio who has a sense of humor, blond good looks, and a slew of impressions in case she wants to fantasize that she's on a date with Sean Connery (the younger version, of course, unless she likes to think about kissing her own grandpa, and no.) All the men make threats (on national television, no less) about wanting to kill William for this offense. If William dies under mysterious circumstances on this date, it's going to be super awkward. Then we cut to Ashley in skinny jeans and a pensive look thinking hard about love, the meaning of love, finding love, whether the men are good enough for her, whether she's good enough for them, love, and kissing her own grandpa. Then she jumps in a convertible Maserati, which, um... whoa. If you loved me you would buy me one. She drives to the mansion and picks up William for their date. I do appreciate the fact that Ashley is driving in stilettos, which is hard, and doesn't cede her seat to William, although he is probably DYING to drive that car. The sound of the bachelors' jaws dropping in unison is magical enough to give an angel its wings. Ashley laughs and smiles and it is clear that she thinks the men's salacious stares are for her, but it is equally clear that the editors have tried to cut out any hint that the men are actually talking about the car. 'Cause they totally are. They should make a reality show where the men have to compete for the love of a car and the car should be KITT from Knight Rider. I'll await my royalty checks, NBC!
As Ashley drives, William is holding on to the Oh Shit handle and trying to smile pretty for the camera. Luckily they aren't driving all the way to Vegas, but instead to an airfield where their private jet awaits. Yeah, this is all totally normal for a first date. It is no wonder so many of the couples from this show get married and live long happy lives together. This show is such a great predictor of behavior in real life situations!
As William and Ashley fly to Vegas, back at the house, Jeff is sweating in his mask. He is keeping busy pretending he is a really outside-of-the-box charmingly quirky kind of guy for wearing a pervert mask on TV. He keeps claiming that this mask wearing is some level shit, like we're all so wrapped up in appearances that choosing someone who is NOT wearing a mask is just a sign of weakness and superficiality and not, say, an allergy to severe dorkiness. Do y'all mind if I just ignore him until his very inevitable ouster?
In Vegas, William reminds us that a rose is at stake and he has to do everything that he can to win that rose. This is a competition after all. Er... I think he means he's in love? Already? With her? Yeah, that's what he meant. He tries to help her out of the limo, but she ignores him to greet her fans(?) who probably were rousted by a production assistant with a sharp elbow and a, "Hey, it's Ashley from The Bachelor!" After some obligatory fan shots, Ashley announces that she's not sure William is ready for marriage to a complete stranger, so she's going to put him through the gauntlet today. First, wedding cake testing, with the requisite smash it in the groom's face moment, which is never not funny. (Except always.) Then ring shopping, and finally, a trip to the Wedding Chapel. William is getting nervous, but I think it would be quite considerate of the show to just put us all out of our misery by sending Ashley down the aisle with an affable cell phone salesman from Ohio during the second episode. Done!
William gives the required "Marriage is a serious matter" speech and then things take a turn for the surreal. Well, more Days of Our Lives than Dali, but still surreal. A minister walks in and stands at the front of the church, Ashley walks down the aisle, the minister asks William if he will take Ashley's hand in marriage, and Williams says, "I do." Then the minister turns to Ashley, who is just (fake) gobsmacked that William said yes, and starts giggling about how this could be a legally binding marriage. Then she realizes that she can't get married with 17 eligible bachelors waiting for her at home, not in this state anyway. So she turns William down, but swears to the camera that she is already falling for him. Only half a date in! Is that a new record? Probably not. I'm not going to pretend that I can remember all ten seasons of The Bachelor, but I would bet my Xanax prescription that someone fell for someone during the first meet and greet. Now that Ashley knows she's not getting married so she can continue to slut around, she changes out of her white dress, because to remain in it would be tacky.
Then she and William and get in a rowboat and head to a floating dining table in the middle of the Bellagio fountains, which is not weird at all. Ashley interviews that she is having a lot of "fun" with William, but is looking for someone who is serious. William heeds her call and if she wants serious, oh he has serious. Right after telling her that he wants to be a stand-up comedian, he informs her that his dad was an alcoholic who was beaten to death and left on the side of the road to die. Also, his watch is haunted. Then he sings "Tears of a Clown" and we all go home and think about our life choices, because What the Fuck? Ashley claims she is shivering, because the story really struck close to home. She has a haunted Swatch, too? Whoa. That is the basis of a long-lasting and healthy relationship. Oh, wait. She meant her dad had a name tag that said "Hello, I'm Al K. Holic" too. See? Funny AND drunk. These two have a lot to talk about.
So let's cut back to Man Manor. Ooh look, a date card. One of the guys (I can NOT be expected to tell them apart at this point) reads out loud (where is Ashley to see that skill?) and reveals that a bunch of the men are heading to Vegas, too. They all cheer! Such merriment will be had! Then it is revealed that five men are being left behind at Man Manor. Jeff, the Phantom of the Manor, is bummed, because he has sworn to leave his mask on until his first date with Ashley, and he really would like to take the mask off 'cause it kind of itches. Also, it's 90 degrees and the mask is rubber and he's inexplicably wearing a stocking cap, so he is hot and hopefully forming a lovely ring of pimples around his eyes. They will be great for the big reveal! He opines that he knows Ashley will love him... and if not, he will wear the mask forever and live in the sewers under the city solving crimes. (That's TWO shows, NBC.)
Back in Vegas, Ashley gives William his rose, because he is both fun loving AND serious. Then they hug and kiss and watch the famous Bellagio fountains as Ashley daydreams about marriage to a thirtysomething frustrated stand up comic who sells cell phones in Ohio. I mean, what girl doesn't daydream about that?
From an old house in Santa somethingerother all covered in vines, lived twelve horny boys into pick up lines. They drank themselves silly in rain or shine and left the house at half past nine, in two straight lines, the smallest one was Constantine. Okay, enough of that. So a clusterchump of guys flew to Vegas where Ashley greeted them in a get-up that would make Mary Ann from "Gilligan's Island" claim "Bitch stole my look!" and ushered all the men into a theater. Ashley claims, "I want to see how they move, if you know what I mean." I don't know what she means, do you know what she means? I think she means exactly what she said, but added some incorrectly applied innuendo for flair. She's quirky like that! Also, confusing.
Ashley has brought the men to a true test of their commitment to love: A dance performance. Most girls won't force men to go to a dance performance until, I don't know, a few years of marriage and the birth of a first-born son? Ashley announces that not only the men going to be forced to watch a performance of the Jabbawockeez, but they "get to" perform as well. The men look really thrilled. Like, it's one thing to be on a reality show. It's another thing to be cast in an impromptu episode of So You Think You Can Dance, when you actually don't think you can dance. You can tell some of the men wish that they had been informed of the possibility that they would have to dance on national television before they had signed up for this show. Others are just determined to dance their way into Ashley's aerobicized heart.
Ashley reminds us that she loves to dance, but it's not a deal breaker if the guy doesn't. But, if he does (nudge nudge wink wink) they can have fun on the dance floor. I think we have discovered Ashley's weak spot. It is a complete inability to make innuendoes. Maybe that's what Brad didn't like about her. Anyway, the men are divided into two teams and start choreographing. The winning team gets to stay in Vegas and "party" with Ashley, while the losers are shipped home to hang with the Masked Man. They are competing within a competition! It's insanity! The men are all taking this very seriously. Mostly out of fear of public humiliation, I think. There is a lot of talk of how "losing is not an option" and "we will crush them."
Then the dance off begins, and one team (it doesn't matter which) is clearly, er, not dancers. So the other team gets to stay and dance in front of a few thousand people with the Jabberwockeez and also Ashley. That is a shitty prize! It is also shitty for the people who are paying to see the Jabberwockeez and will instead be treated to a six-pack of chuckleheads trying to impress a slightly slutty lady. As the losing team returns to the plane we hear a Greek chorus of "I'm on a plane, and they're with my girl" and "I really bummed that I don't get to spend some time with Ashley" and "I really wish we all weren't so very white." I assume the reason that there are no men of color on this show is that each and every man of color has a strong mother figure who talked them out of signing up for this nonsense. Eventually, the losers all file into Man Manor and report their failings to the men gathered there. Much mocking ensues. Which is well deserved.
Back in Vegas, after some gratuitous shots of men without shirts, Ashley and her wildebeests prepare to go on stage with the Jabbawockeez a.k.a. the winners of America's Best Dance Crew. (Didn't think I knew that, did ya?) Ashley does not embarrass herself on stage, but the men do, by saying things like, "There's nothing sexier than a woman who knows how to move her body, and Ashley does," while Ashley and her bare midriff dances on stage. Hold it together guys, your new girlfriends are probably watching. After the performance, Ashley hunkers down for an intimate date with six men. The dentist pulls her aside for some alone time to talk flossing technique, bicuspid cleaning, and how much at-home whitening sucks for their business bread and butter.
Then West cuts in. He has decided that right this very second is the perfect time to earn his keep by telling Ashley that he was married and that his wife tragically died nine months after their wedding. Ashley touches her heart when he tells her, ensuring a rose in the upcoming ceremony. West explains that the lesson he has learned from all this is that you should always tell people that you love them. Ashley thinks this is a great lesson to take away from that whole experience. As if someone's death is nothing but a life lesson for reality show morons to expound on and for widowers to use to angle for additional airtime. West thinks that Ashley took the news as well as can be expected when a complete stranger tells you a tragic tale the first moment you sit down with them. West thinks Ashley seems "caring," but it is obvious she will eventually spend him packing because he is damaged, rebounding, and has more than a handful of issues to worth through.
Before his alone time with Ashley, Bentley makes sure we know that Ashley is hot and he considers himself a fierce competitor, and sure he would let her * BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP * tickle his * BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP* and * BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP* his * BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP *, but that's it. She's just not his type. I like him. Ashley and Bentley head into a private room so Bentley can express his emotions to Ashley. Also, to remind her that he has a daughter and has some insecurities and isn't sure he should be here. Ashley thinks he is just feeling insecure LIKE SHE DID. She gets it, but she really wants him to stick around. So she gives him the rose to encourage him to stay despite being away from his daughter, who probably lives with her mother full-time and Bentley is only missing his one supervised visit per week. West is shocked (shocked!) that his heartfelt story and sharing of actual tragic events didn't win Ashley's heart. He's going to have to try harder. Maybe his mother died in his arms while clutching his beloved golden retriever? He'll work on it for week.
Back at Man Manor, J.P. and Mickey are forced to flip for a one-on-one date with Ashley. Mickey wins, J.P. goes, "Aw nuts!" and then man hugs (one arm, two firm claps on the back) Mickey and wishes him luck. The Phantom of the Manor is looking a tad deflated due to not getting a group date nor a one-on-one date. Maybe Ashley is ignoring him to see if he will just go away? Or hoping he gets drunk and passes out on the patio furniture like that other guy? The Phantom doesn't deserve any recognition. He is wearing a sleeping mask over the phantom mask and is wrapped in a blanket like a crazy old lady who can't pay the heating bill because she spent all her money on cat food. Jeff, we are not going to believe that you are quirky and fun if you are dressed like a homeless person with a light sensitivity! Try harder!
In Vegas, Ashley is excited that she doesn't know who she is going on a date with tonight! I bet prostitutes feel exactly the same way. Ashley pantomimes (badly) flipping a coin and letting fate choose her companion for the evening and you realize that Ashley is a Type A dentist who should not be pantomiming or attempting innuendo or making any jokes that don't have the punchline, "Rinse and spit!" She laughs a lot, but has no actual sense of humor or of the absurd. I get it now. She sees Mickey descend the escalator and exclaims, "Mickeeeeeeeeeee!" and he does a little dance in recognition. Because Mickey got his date on a coin toss, they decide that they are going to flip for everything on the date. And they mean that quite literally and what follows is an interminable series of coin tosses, giggles, and gasps. Before they get to drink any wine, they flip one more time and Mickey gets to ask Ashley any question. So naturally he asks her, when was the last time she cried? Totally normal question. FOR A THERAPIST. What the hell sort of question is that? Why not ask her what America really wants to know: If she slept with Brad. Or at least if she plans to forgo separate rooms and enjoy the fantasy suites. Ashley says she cried while watching the last season of The Bachelor. So, I guess our question is answered: She totally slept with Brad and his manly chin.
Back in the greater Los Angeles area, the Phantom of the Manor is feeling a wee bit sad. No one understands him, he's having a hard time fitting in, no one wants to be his friends, and he feels like everyone is judging him. Oh, maybe because he is wearing a mask? Shut. Up.
Cut back to Vegas, Ashley is drooling over Mickey and his dimples and his V-neck sweater. They are dining in a hotel suite and Ashley begs Mickey to tell her everything about him. So he does. He's a momma's boy, and she loves momma's boys. Especially ones whose mothers tragically die just so they can "share" the tragic experience with her. Plus now she doesn't have to compete for his attention. As Mickey picks food out of his teeth, Ashley tells him that she wants to flip a coin to decide whether or not he gets a rose. He's not into it, but she insists (awkwardly) and then he gets the rose. I'm not sure whether that was supposed to be dramatic or just a time filler. Then the couple heads outside and some band performs and the newly-formed couple kiss in public a lot and declare they are "falling" for each other and everything was "perfect." Do you believe them? I do not. I mean, so far she has "fallen" for William, expressed feeling "something" for Bentley, and kissed Mickey. Maybe she's just easy.
Finally it is the evening of the Rose Ceremony. Ashley comes in dressed in a strapless floor-length black dress. She hugs all 17 men and then J.P., the contractor from New York, drags her away to give her a stern talking to. How dare she leave a one-on-one date to a coin toss? So he produces his own coin and tells her that she has to kiss him if it's a heads. It's tails, and she kisses him anyway, because apparently she is like that, even though she keeps proclaiming that she is NOT like that. (She's totally like that.) She promises J.P. that she likes him, but he needs to be patient and "trust in the process," which is what they tell victims of crime. The other guys begin to cut in on J.P.'s quality time with Ashley.
First there is the personal trainer with the Sun-In Frosted Tips who shows her how to line dance. Then William does some territorial peeing all over Ashley, reminding her that he saw her first. The Phantom of the Manor creepily watches them as they kiss and announces that he will reveal himself to Ashley tonight. I really hope he is just going to take off his mask and not reveal himself in other ways. Gah! Didn't I tell that guy to shut up? Why doesn't he listen? The producers eventually force Ashley to have a sit down with the Masked Man. He tells her that he had a brain hemorrhage at 29 and doesn't take life for granted. Then he got divorced, and is now really happy. Ashley's all, whoa whoa whoa, you were divorced? I mean, who cares about a brain hemorrhage? That can happen to anyone, the real question is who the heck married that guy? Then Jeff is just about to take off his mask, when some guy interrupts them. I guess there is a rule or something that when a man asks to talk, the belle of the ball must accept his invitation. Jeff quickly flees and heads downstairs, still in his mask.
Then Ben the lawyer from New Orleans reminds Ashley of his southern charms. Then Bentley reminds the world of his lack of charm. As William details his romantic date with Ashley (Rowboats! Roses! Kisses! Erupting water!) Bentley explains that he would rather "swim in pee" than plan a wedding with Ashley. Has he reminded us lately that she is "not his type" and is "not the girl of [his] dreams"? He can say it a few more times if necessary. This does not mean that he won't kiss her. So he swoops in and picks Ashley up and carries her to the fireplace, puts her in his lap, and then kisses her. He immediately decries it as "boring" and swears he is not going to be here for very long. Then Ashley explains that she has a great bullshit detector and knows that Bentley is really sincere. I kinda think Bentley has a serious defense mechanism going on. Also, he's a total dick.
Chris Harrison calls the boys to order and arranges them on the risers for their performance: The Rose Ceremony. Chris tells the men that he just talked to Ashley and she told him that she already has strong feelings for several of the men. Also that Bentley, Williams, and Mickey have roses already. Then Ashley comes in and assures the men that, "Her husband is standing in the room." They all start sweating and adjusting their ties. Then she starts handing out roses. West and his ghost wife get the first rose, followed by Constantine, Ryan P. (the guy who got the one-on-one date last week), and Ben the mini Matlock. Then we get a very long pause as Ashley kills time. Then Frosted Tips gets a rose. Ivy League Ames and Lucas (don't worry, I don't know who he is either) get the roses. Then Jeff the Masked Man himself gets a rose, which is just kicking a dead horse at this point, producers. Then J.P., Chris (no clue), and Mr. Free Wine For Life collect their boutonnieres. Chris Harrison makes his father super proud and announces that it is the last rose of the evening. The winner is? Blake, the dentist. Oh my god, she sent home the hairdresser Jason Schwartzman impersonator. WTF, girl, you are dead to me. Also leaving is Matt, who could have kept Ashley in paper clips and Post It notes for life. He goes outside and calls him mommy and begs her to pick him up at the airport, give him lots of loving, and make him French toast. Yeah, Ashley's really losing out on that one. Last out the door is Ryan M. who just wanted to care and love Ashley forever ...now has to go home. It would be so sad if he wasn't already dead behind the eyes.
Inside, Ashley raises her champagne glass and toasts her future husband, whoever he may be. The men all grimace slightly and then chug their champagne to dull the throbbing pain of hearing her say that over and over again. I'm not a fan of The Rules, but even I think Ashley needs to dial down the "husband" talk a notch. I mean, the chances of her actually getting hitched to someone on this show are so so so slim. I mean, if Brad and Emily can't make it work, who can?
As we leave the show, we get a montage of the Phantom of the Manor swimming, vaccuming, pooping. Who was that masked man? I don't care.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates would rather swim in pee than hang out with Bentley. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers