Well, well, well it's that time of year again. A time for The Bachelor's detritus to get a second chance at love AND contracting herpes. Tonight, Ashley Hebert, the charming UPenn dental student with a relentlessly bubbly personality, transforms from Bachelor Brad's trash to a Bachelorette on the prowl. Like a phoenix from the flame, or a recycled 40-ounce bottle of Olde English 800. As you are well aware, Daniel recapped The Bachelor, so I was able to spare my dwindling brain cells (The Voice takes a toll, yo) the indignity of Bachelor Brad and his Barbies.
In preparation for tonight's episode of The Bachelorette, I took the "How Well Do You Know Ashley?" quiz on ABC.com. A sampling: What was Ashley's hair color last season? A flirty blonde of course! (Which she has dyed to a dead serious marrying-type brunette for this solemn season.) What was Ashley's first date with Brad? A private carnival! What is Ashley's favorite type of flower? ROSES, duh. Wait, no? Orchids? WTF? Why is she even on this show? She obviously doesn't have her heart in the game. No wonder Brad didn't choose her. At the end of the harrowing quiz (they had a boxing glove pop out of the computer and punch you in the face every time you got a wrong answer) I scored a whopping 50%. So there are an equal number of things I know (hair color) and things I don't know, for example, Ashley's greatest fear, which is not raging STDs, but heights. One thing I do know for sure is that tonight, Ashley Hebert is going to find love. Or die trying.* (*Not really. Sadly.) She will have to wade through a Whitman's Sampler of some two dozen greasy bohunks, schlubs, dorks, frat boys, salesmen of varying degree of success, realtors, IT guys with questionable social skills, stand up comics, and god knows what other types of damaged men the producers can dig up to entertain the audience or excite the Bachelorette, and maybe a few who will do both simultaneously. Also, she will have to stomach pretending to be a pal and a confidante of Chris Harrison. Oh the horror. And so it begins.
As the era of Ashley's reign as The Bachelorette kicks off, we are reminded of the long, winding and alcohol-addled (what WAS that green thing she was drinking in the hot tub? A virgin's life spirit with a dash of Four Loko?) road she took with Brad. Then he dumped her in South Africa, but alone, away from the riff raff, because Brad is one classy dude. As she sobs in the land rover as she leaves her almost true love behind, we start to emote and remember that we heart Ashley big time. And if we don't, the producers will make us, by trotting out more tears and more hard luck tales and maybe make us spend more time in her mom's double wide up in Maine until we feel something dammit. Worst case? They'll punch a kitten until we cry. Don't underestimate these people!
Back in the U.S. of A (where love grows like a Round Up resistant weed), Ashley tells us that she is ready for love. She loves the life she has built and she is finally ready to share it with another -- perhaps someone with a less prominent jaw than Brad. As she dances on stage in her underwear (I'm thinking this is part of the 50% of things I don't know about Ashley) she reminds us that she is a dental student and she loves her life and, apparently, interpretative dancing in her underwear in an abandoned auditorium. It's very Blade Runner, but I'm guessing that's not what the producers were going for. Then Ashley fake dies (reboots?) on stage and tells us that as she was recovering from her broken heart, she threw herself into her work as a dentist who wears adorable scrubs, and into leading a Jazzercise class (??) in her spare time, and then doing the obligatory A-fighter-lives-in-Philly Rocky run up the stairs in a grey sweat suit (tighter and perkier than Stallone's, if you can imagine such a thing) and then punching the air. I am exhausted after that last sentence. Ashley, however, is ready to rumble. For love.
Ashley walks barefoot on the beach in Los Angeles showing off how spry, enthusiastic, and athletic she is. She is thrilled to be back on the West Coast trolling for love and sporting a newly brunette 'do. She promises not to let her insecurities get the best of her this time. She will tackle them down and smash them into nonexistence. I wonder, is she bringing her own therapist like Brad?
Chris Harrison rolls out of the pneumatic tube that brings him from the Cryogenic Center for Reality Show Hosts where ABC stores him during the increasingly short off-season. He strolls on to the driveway of the Bachelor Bungalow and reminds us that Ashley is ready to find love. But first she must run the gauntlet of man meat. Let's meet some of the contenders for her heart now, shall we? We shall. First up is Ryan P., a sad case who apparently doesn't own a shirt. He owns a solar energy company and soaks up the sun's rays through his skin. He needs love. Also a shirt.
is J.P. (no relation?) who works in construction management in New York City. I don't know what that is either, but he uses a pencil, so it must be kinda old timey. He also shops for wine at the farmer's market, so he must be both rich and not actually interested in good wine.
Following in J.P.'s footsteps is Ames. And when I tell you that you want to punch Ames in the face the second you meet him, BELIEVE ME. Ames is just one of those people. For example, when telling us that he went to Yale for undergrad, he does not think you are smart enough to know that Yale is in Connecticut. So he tells you. Then he got two masters from Columbia and a doctorate from Harvard. Want to punch him in the babymaker yet? OF COURSE YOU DO. Now sit on your hand so you don't sock your TV in the nose, because when I tell you the bit you're going to want to: He's a portfolio manager. Yes, he's a finance guy, who has run 39 marathons, including ultra-marathons. And he wonders why he's single. Go marry a marathon and roll around in money, you schmuck! I hate you! I hate you!
Like a breath of fresh air comes Ben C., a musician and lawyer from New Orleans who lives life with hope and love. is Ben F. (no relation?) who is a winemaker in Sonoma. Holy shit, you guys, if Ashley marries him, she gets FREE WINE FOR LIFE. Marry him! Also, he has a dead dad, which is tragic, but also means he is going to be in the finals.
is a man tragically named Bentley who is a divorced father to an adorable two-year old girl tragically named Cozy. Why do you hate babies, Bentley? Why? up is Anthony, a fourth generation butcher from New Jersey, who is clearly there more for our entertainment and his 15 minutes of fame than for Ashley's vision quest. It's a little sad.
Or you think it is sad until a minute later when you meet West. Oh, West. He is a kindly lawyer from South Carolina, a younger Matlock perhaps. But, you see, West has a great love. His dead wife. Will Ashley ever be able to compete with the ghost of his true love who he found dead in the bathtub after an unfortunately timed seizure? And if she can't compete with the ghost of love lost, will she ever be able to break up with West on national television? What if she makes him cry? Will the nation rise against the woman who made this poor sad lonely man cry?
is William, a cell phone salesman from Ohio, who has had about as much luck in love as he is having a faulty umbrella in a windstorm. In his favor, William has a hard-luck back story, not just in love, but in his family life, too. His father was an alcoholic who died on the same day as William's watch. He could buy a new watch, but not a new father. The tragedies are just piling up on this show! I guess after the success of Emily, who won Brad's heart after her rich raceca
r driver fiancé died in a plane crash days before she found out she was carrying his daughter, the producers are just loading the bachelor deck with potentially heartwarming, ratings-grabbing, attention-getting, tragedies. Well done, Western Civilization!
Back at the mansion, Chris Harrison reminds us that soon 25 of the "most eligible bachelors in America" plus a butcher from New Jersey will be arriving to woo Ashley. Just then Ashley's limo pulls up and she pops out in a sparkling dress that would put a drag queen wearing a disco ball to shame. She pauses for a moment to take it all in (and because the producers probably told her to) and then proceeds to give Chris Harrison a hug. I hope you took your Valtrex, honey! Chris asks how she is doing and she claims she is excited, nervous, and scared. She then does a little hop step jumpy thing that makes it look like she really has to tinkle, but probably is scared to ask and doesn't know how to get out of her dress. Also, her teeny tiny arms probably can't lift her skirt due to all the beads and sequins, which, when you think of it, is a pretty sneaky way to keep yourself chaste. Chris ushers Ashley inside to talk before the clusterclump of bachelors arrives. He asks if she thought she would ever be back in the house as The Bachelorette. She claims no, she never thought she would be back. But then the producers promised they sprayed the house and she shouldn't get another infestation, so she's back. Chris asks if she has any regrets from last year and instead of saying, yeah, I didn't really work as a blonde, which is why I'm back as a brunette, she lies and says she regrets that her insecurities cost her a relationship with Brad. Girl, you owe those insecurities a thank-you letter. Also, Brad's single. Again. So you know, go tap that if you think he's so worth it. Or maybe she just finds his jaw dentally interesting?
Ashley claims that she is very skeptical and just didn't believe Brad when he said he had feelings for her. She let her insecurities get the better of her and she really regrets that. Seriously, those aren't insecurities, that is just GOOD COMMON SENSE. Your mother should be proud. You should be proud! Read more Bust Magazine or something. Then Ashley tells Chris that she is excited to meet the bachelors, but afraid that some of them aren't coming on the show for the *cough* "right reasons." What are we, thirty minutes into the show? Is that a record for the shortest amount of time for the phrase "the right reasons" to come tumbling out of the mouths of the bachelor/ette? I mean, gah.
But then Ashley explains (sort of, in a very confusing way that would have benefited from a flow chart) that she got a call from a former contestant who knows one of the bachelor's ex-wife and she said that he was coming on the show for the (gasp!) wrong reasons. Namely, he wanted to promote his business. Chris Harrison takes a sharp intake in breath. Say it's not so! Oh, it is so. It is SO so. The bachelor of ulterior motive is: Bentley. I am shocked! Not really. Whatever. Ashley claims she is going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and not oust him based on some scurrilous rumor of his ex-wife. She'll try, anyway. Chris then tells her the big news: They have a bachelor dentist on the show. Ashley just about dies in excitement. Let the journey begin.
The first limo pulls up and Ryan P. gives her the first hug of the night. And the second. is John, who ogles her and then hoists her over his shoulder, caveman-style. She thinks it is "cute" and not "assault." is Lucas, a self-professed "hugger" from Texas. is William, who is tongue-tied and starstruck, followed by Mickey, a chef, who leans in for a big ol' tongue kiss, which Ashley does not like or appreciate. Mickey heads straight inside to gloat that he got to first base already. He's revolting.
is Tim, who pauses a moment to rub himself a little before meeting Ashley, and then trips over his tongue multiple times, not because it is hanging out of his mouth, but because he has a speech impediment? Oh no, that's just his New York accent. Anyway, he can't get any words out and Ashley should probably reach up and slap him Cher-style, "Snap out of it!" Instead he just moseys inside and tries to remember why the hell he signed up for this show. is Ben, who whispers sweet nothings en Francais in her ear and tells her to come find him inside so he can explain why he speaks French so well. That guy has got his game ON.
is Stephen, who is a hairstylist and looks like a shaggy Jason Schwartzman, so he is basically my kryptonite. And, seriously, if Ashley can arrange a plural marriage with Stephen the hairstylist and the guy who owns the winery, she will have the perfect life. up on the meat parade is Chris D., a sports marketing coordinator, who performs his resume as a rap that somehow manages to be way whiter than the Wham! rap, which was two English guys rapping and is REALLY white. It's humiliating for all white people everywhere. We should all be ashamed. Ashley hugs him and reminds us that her great great grandmother was 1/16 Cherokee, so she can't be held accountable for that atrocity.
is West. Poor sad West and the ghost of his dead wife step out of the limo hand in hand. The ghost of his dead wife pats him encouragingly on the back and reminds him that his life is among the living now. He hugs Ashley, introduces himself, and gives her a very clever present: A compass broken so it always points West, so that if she gets lost, she will always find her way back to him. He's a keeper! Except that he's HAUNTED.
is Anthony, the butcher, who... actually seems kind of charming, if very very odd. Some blond guy named Rob is and he quickly points out that all his teeth are his own. That may be his best characteristic. out of the limo is...Ames. Ashley doesn't punch him on sight, so I am beginning to question her judgment. Okay, I already was questioning her judgment for, you know, agreeing to be on this show. Twice. Ames is wearing a too small blue blazer and too short khaki pants (can't he pay someone to dress him better than that?) and you can't quite tell whether he is wearing a Harvard tie, but, c'mon, you know he is. While you would think he would just tell Ashley about his five Ivy League degrees, he instead presents her with ballet tickets, because he knows she loves to dance and now they can go see the ballet together. What an excellent way to throw money away, Ames! Those tickets are only a few hundred dollars, so when Ashley DOESN'T choose you, you can just wipe your housekeeper's ass with them. Arnold Schwarzeneggar would! What? Too soon?
Matt, an office supply salesman, dances a little jig and then wraps Ashley in a giant hug and teaches her a secret handshake because he could think of nothing better to do to make him stand out in a crowd. out of the car is Jeff, who is wearing a mask on the off-putting premise that he wants "to take his face out of the game," so Ashley will have to judge him on his creepy personality instead. Ashley grimaces, and when the guy heads inside, he is razzed by the other men. He deserves it. Go all Lord of the Flies on him! We don't mind.
The guy out of the limo is Ben F., the winemaker. He emerges from the limo with a bottle of wine and two glasses. They toast to new beginnings and drink. Well played, Ben. Frank with a flat top picks Ashley up (again with the picking up!) and spins her around in a really patronizing dance thingy. Yuck. Moving along to someone with bad teeth who makes a funny dentist joke and then disappears indoors, hopefully never to be seen again. Then comes Chris M. the Canadian construction company CEO with a seriously "Fubar" accent (if you don't know what I'm talking about go watch the movie and then come back and laugh, because I am right).
is Ryan M., a construction estimator. Ooh I don't know much (anything) about the construction biz, but I'm guessing that's a step down from CEO. He gives her a big hug and then i
nsists on snapping a few photos so he can do some scrapbooking or journaling later. J.P., who is ALSO in the construction business as a manager, is and he has nothing but his smile. Luckily she is a dentist and appreciates such things. What does she not appreciate? Wonky comic poems as spoken by Nick, a personal trainer from Florida. Blake, who has no personality, no charisma, and no mnemonic device wanders through . The mysterious Bentley is . Ashley sizes him up and they exchange curt pleasantries, but you can tell she thinks he's hot. Last but not least is Constantine, who fashions a ring out of dental floss, which is tolerable dental humor. Barely. Chris Harrison comes out to indicate that all of Ashley's man meat has arrived. Is her husband inside? The only way to find out is to start the meet-and-greet and hand out some damn roses. Let's do this thing!
Ashley heads in to meet her destiny. Also to get a drink already. I mean, what's a girl got to do to get a drink? Ashley puts out her Open for Business sign and the men loom large. Ryan P., the solar energy guy, swoops in first. He explains that he is the whole package: Eco-friendly, blond, ready for those infamous steps. Ben F., the winemaker cuts in and they talk vintages, grapes, and life goals. Then a guy (Matt?) brave enough to wear mismatched plaids is such a mama's boy that he suggests he and Ashley call his mother RIGHT NOW. Ashley is like no, no, okay yes. And they call and she gives the pair some motherly advice, "When you forgo your separate rooms and stay in the fantasy suite, remember your mothers are watching, and use protection." Oh snap! I'm giving the mom the first impression rose!
Later some guy interrupts Ashley's conversation-a-trois by playing a guitar. He lures her outside with the promise of a song, and then tosses the guitar in the pool because he doesn't actually play. It was all a ploy to get her alone! Hahaha, that's a trait you want in a husband for sure!
Inside, things are heating up. The weirdo in the mask is introduced as Jeff, an entrepreneur (perhaps in superhero supplies/Hamburglaring?) who claims he is of a higher moral order who is beyond the superficiality of the visage. He wants Ashley to look deeper. Unfortunately Tim from Long Island, New York, isn't able to look past the mask. And it seems Tim is mere moments away from going all Hicksville on the Masked Man, if you know what I mean. Tim tells the Masked Man to get off his couch or at least not cross the line of death if he knows what's good for him. The rest of the men all buzz around like 12-year-olds at a middle school dance hoping for a fight.
Chris Harrison interrupts the festivities to drop off the First Impression rose and freak the crap out of the men by reminding them that they aren't just there to swap business cards and egg on fights. Ashley starts double-teaming the guys to fit them all in before the Rose Ceremony. Ben, the French-speaking New Orleans lawyer, does a cute Bob Dylan card thing where he writes a message on poster boards to get her attention. It's cute and so is he. He explains his international pedigree (born in France! raised in England! lives in New Orleans!) and charms her. William the sales guy does a gag-inducing Sean Connery impression, which makes it seem like he's never seen actual Sean Connery, but has seen the "Saturday Night Live" sketches with a fake Sean Connery and he is basing his impression on that. Other than that uncorrected personality trait he seems like an affable enough guy who bears a passing resemblance to a Prince William/Michael Vartan love child.
Ashley is then forced to spend five minutes alone with Tim from Long Island who has stopped threatening the Masked Man long enough to sit on a chair and wait for Ashley. He seems tongue tied to the point of incomprehensibility, but then it turns out he's drunk. Like, really, really drunk. He slurs all his words together to the extent that Ashley thinks he sells "wine and spurs" for a living. She gets him a glass of water and sends him off with a firm handshake. Then we get a montage of Tim being drunk all over the house, yet he never puts a lampshade on his head, so he can't be THAT drunk. Then he goes back to drunkenly picking on the Masked Man. Unfortunately he passed out before any punches could fly. So Ashley has her bohunks evict his drunk ass from the lanai. So long Tim! Go Mets.
The Masked Man watches as his nemesis is shipped off to the drunk tank. He seizes his opportunity and swoops in to talk to Ashley. He almost convinces her that wearing a mask isn't completely creepy. Almost. Frankly, if you are going to wear a mask covering half your face at least SHAVE the other half. I mean, it's like you're not even trying, you big nutter. Then J.P. from New York City moves in and charms Ashley with a tale of being called "cupcake" in the construction business. Ashley reveals that her deepest dream is that a man call her "cupcake." These two have a lot in common. This is definitely the basis of a solid, long-term relationship.
Then Ashley goes to talk to Bentley, the man she heard such terrible things about from her "friend" who was passing along scurrilous rumors from his ex-wife who is clearly a trustworthy and reliable source. Despite her trepidation, Bentley impresses her with his forthrightness in admitting that he has a child and an ex-wife. As opposed to covering it up until it is unearthed later in the season by an eavesdropping roommate who is listening in on a secret phone call or something. Ashley claims she is impressed with Bentley and undoubtedly the producers are thrilled to have the drama they crave already present in the very first episode. My first impression? He seems like a dick. A dick with bad hair. Now, that's a pretty picture.
Ashley has made up her mind. She grabs the First Impression Rose off the table and pins it on Ryan a.k.a. Mr. Sunshine, the solar energy guy. She thinks he is just so sunny and warm! Then it is time for the first Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison congratulates Ryan on his big win and then brings Ashley out to pick who will accompany her on her great journey. She tells the men that she is looking for very specific traits and qualities in the men. She sees those qualities in some of the men and not in others. Anyway, thanks for that Captain Obvious. So who has Ashley's first choice? The Masked Man. Um...I guess she has some "Phantom of the Opera" fantasies she wants to act out? Or the producers think this makes for great "drama"? Yeesh. is Constantine. Then: Ben F., Lucas, Stephen, Matt, Nick, Chris D., Ryan M., Blake. Every time a name is called the cameras cut to Ames, who is not used to failure. And yet? Mickey the Kisser is picked, then Ben C. the New Orleans lawyer, West the tragic, William the charming, J.P. a.k.a. cupcake, and finally, Ames and his diplomas.
It's the last rose. We know this, because Chris Harrison comes out and tells us, "It's the last rose." He thinks we are dumb, or, you know, watching Netflix on our iPads. The last rose? It goes to Bentley. Because the producers made her do it. Even though right before the Rose Ceremony, the same producers played an awkward voiceover of Bentley saying Ashley wasn't his type, but he wanted to win. So they are just setting Ashley up for ...I don't know. Having to hang out with an asshole for hours? Everyone who didn't get a rose gives fake farewells and air kisses.
A melancholy parade of sad men leave the manor looking heartbroken over a stranger, taking deep manly breaths so they don't ugly cry on national television. Anthony the butcher says goodbye and sadly tells us that he's been single for seven years, but if Ashley wants to be with Batman? Well good luck, he can't compete. He makes a compelling argument. Ashley gathers the chosen men around and then freaks them all out by announcing, "I think my husband is in this crowd!" The men all start nervously shifting from foot to foot and glancing around the group hoping that someone else is answering that particular call. Nope, no one. Sorry Ashley, better luck time!
You think we're done? We're not done. Chris Harrison takes us on a tour of the future. Seriously, he's like the gelled-up Hugo Boss-ed Ghost of Christmas Future, it's a horrible future where all the presents are chuckleheads in cheap suits doing the old yawn-and-reach to get close to Ashley. She is kissing some, Jeff is STILL wearing his mask, Bentley is STILL there, and Ashley is in bed crying her pretty eyes out over a broken heart. They make it seem like it's all Bentley's fault, but it is unlikely this show would spoil their own ending, even if that would really stick it to Spoiler King Reality Steve. Anyway, can't wait to see exactly what kind of ass Bentley turns out to be. And I can't wait for the show where Ashley's rumor-mongering "friend" gets to waggle her finger in Ashley's face and say, "Girl, I TOLD YOU SO." Because, you know what? She totally did.
Watch an interview with Ashley and get a closer look at her most memorable suitors.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is too old for this shit. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers