Episode Report Card LuluBates: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Meet the Meat
By LuluBates | Season 7 | Episode 1 | Aired on 05.23.2011
r driver fiancé died in a plane crash days before she found out she was carrying his daughter, the producers are just loading the bachelor deck with potentially heartwarming, ratings-grabbing, attention-getting, tragedies. Well done, Western Civilization!Back at the mansion, Chris Harrison reminds us that soon 25 of the "most eligible bachelors in America" plus a butcher from New Jersey will be arriving to woo Ashley. Just then Ashley's limo pulls up and she pops out in a sparkling dress that would put a drag queen wearing a disco ball to shame. She pauses for a moment to take it all in (and because the producers probably told her to) and then proceeds to give Chris Harrison a hug. I hope you took your Valtrex, honey! Chris asks how she is doing and she claims she is excited, nervous, and scared. She then does a little hop step jumpy thing that makes it look like she really has to tinkle, but probably is scared to ask and doesn't know how to get out of her dress. Also, her teeny tiny arms probably can't lift her skirt due to all the beads and sequins, which, when you think of it, is a pretty sneaky way to keep yourself chaste. Chris ushers Ashley inside to talk before the clusterclump of bachelors arrives. He asks if she thought she would ever be back in the house as The Bachelorette. She claims no, she never thought she would be back. But then the producers promised they sprayed the house and she shouldn't get another infestation, so she's back. Chris asks if she has any regrets from last year and instead of saying, yeah, I didn't really work as a blonde, which is why I'm back as a brunette, she lies and says she regrets that her insecurities cost her a relationship with Brad. Girl, you owe those insecurities a thank-you letter. Also, Brad's single. Again. So you know, go tap that if you think he's so worth it. Or maybe she just finds his jaw dentally interesting?
Ashley claims that she is very skeptical and just didn't believe Brad when he said he had feelings for her. She let her insecurities get the better of her and she really regrets that. Seriously, those aren't insecurities, that is just GOOD COMMON SENSE. Your mother should be proud. You should be proud! Read more Bust Magazine or something. Then Ashley tells Chris that she is excited to meet the bachelors, but afraid that some of them aren't coming on the show for the *cough* "right reasons." What are we, thirty minutes into the show? Is that a record for the shortest amount of time for the phrase "the right reasons" to come tumbling out of the mouths of the bachelor/ette? I mean, gah.
But then Ashley explains (sort of, in a very confusing way that would have benefited from a flow chart) that she got a call from a former contestant who knows one of the bachelor's ex-wife and she said that he was coming on the show for the (gasp!) wrong reasons. Namely, he wanted to promote his business. Chris Harrison takes a sharp intake in breath. Say it's not so! Oh, it is so. It is SO so. The bachelor of ulterior motive is: Bentley. I am shocked! Not really. Whatever. Ashley claims she is going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and not oust him based on some scurrilous rumor of his ex-wife. She'll try, anyway. Chris then tells her the big news: They have a bachelor dentist on the show. Ashley just about dies in excitement. Let the journey begin.
The first limo pulls up and Ryan P. gives her the first hug of the night. And the second. Next is John, who ogles her and then hoists her over his shoulder, caveman-style. She thinks it is "cute" and not "assault." Next is Lucas, a self-professed "hugger" from Texas. Next is William, who is tongue-tied and starstruck, followed by Mickey, a chef, who leans in for a big ol' tongue kiss, which Ashley does not like or appreciate. Mickey heads straight inside to gloat that he got to first base already. He's revolting.
Next is Tim, who pauses a moment to rub himself a little before meeting Ashley, and then trips over his tongue multiple times, not because it is hanging out of his mouth, but because he has a speech impediment? Oh no, that's just his New York accent. Anyway, he can't get any words out and Ashley should probably reach up and slap him Cher-style, "Snap out of it!" Instead he just moseys inside and tries to remember why the hell he signed up for this show. Next is Ben, who whispers sweet nothings en Francais in her ear and tells her to come find him inside so he can explain why he speaks French so well. That guy has got his game ON.
Next is Stephen, who is a hairstylist and looks like a shaggy Jason Schwartzman, so he is basically my kryptonite. And, seriously, if Ashley can arrange a plural marriage with Stephen the hairstylist and the guy who owns the winery, she will have the perfect life. Next up on the meat parade is Chris D., a sports marketing coordinator, who performs his resume as a rap that somehow manages to be way whiter than the Wham! rap, which was two English guys rapping and is REALLY white. It's humiliating for all white people everywhere. We should all be ashamed. Ashley hugs him and reminds us that her great great grandmother was 1/16 Cherokee, so she can't be held accountable for that atrocity.
Next is West. Poor sad West and the ghost of his dead wife step out of the limo hand in hand. The ghost of his dead wife pats him encouragingly on the back and reminds him that his life is among the living now. He hugs Ashley, introduces himself, and gives her a very clever present: A compass broken so it always points West, so that if she gets lost, she will always find her way back to him. He's a keeper! Except that he's HAUNTED.
Next is Anthony, the butcher, who... actually seems kind of charming, if very very odd. Some blond guy named Rob is next and he quickly points out that all his teeth are his own. That may be his best characteristic. Next out of the limo is...Ames. Ashley doesn't punch him on sight, so I am beginning to question her judgment. Okay, I already was questioning her judgment for, you know, agreeing to be on this show. Twice. Ames is wearing a too small blue blazer and too short khaki pants (can't he pay someone to dress him better than that?) and you can't quite tell whether he is wearing a Harvard tie, but, c'mon, you know he is. While you would think he would just tell Ashley about his five Ivy League degrees, he instead presents her with ballet tickets, because he knows she loves to dance and now they can go see the ballet together. What an excellent way to throw money away, Ames! Those tickets are only a few hundred dollars, so when Ashley DOESN'T choose you, you can just wipe your housekeeper's ass with them. Arnold Schwarzeneggar would! What? Too soon?
Matt, an office supply salesman, dances a little jig and then wraps Ashley in a giant hug and teaches her a secret handshake because he could think of nothing better to do to make him stand out in a crowd. Next out of the car is Jeff, who is wearing a mask on the off-putting premise that he wants "to take his face out of the game," so Ashley will have to judge him on his creepy personality instead. Ashley grimaces, and when the guy heads inside, he is razzed by the other men. He deserves it. Go all Lord of the Flies on him! We don't mind.
The next guy out of the limo is Ben F., the winemaker. He emerges from the limo with a bottle of wine and two glasses. They toast to new beginnings and drink. Well played, Ben. Frank with a flat top picks Ashley up (again with the picking up!) and spins her around in a really patronizing dance thingy. Yuck. Moving along to someone with bad teeth who makes a funny dentist joke and then disappears indoors, hopefully never to be seen again. Then comes Chris M. the Canadian construction company CEO with a seriously "Fubar" accent (if you don't know what I'm talking about go watch the movie and then come back and laugh, because I am right).
Next is Ryan M., a construction estimator. Ooh I don't know much (anything) about the construction biz, but I'm guessing that's a step down from CEO. He gives her a big hug and then i