Roberto and Ali! Sitting in a tree! Forever! Or at least for the last few months since the shooting wrapped. And now it's after the rose! And Chris Harrison is waiting on stage for the television viewing audience to quit watching the happy couple make out. He calls Ali out to join him. She is looking lovely in a white dress that is totally squishing her boobs out of existence like her dress is the Borg and her boobs are finding resistance futile.
But more interesting, yes, Ali is still wearing her engagement ring. But, before we can see the happy reunion of the happy couple, we have to sit through a post mortem of the whole Frank Fiasco. I don't know what Ali ever saw in that shiny-faced schizoid basement dweller and, based on the look on Ali's face as she watches the montage of their time together, she doesn't know what she saw in him either. The difference between Roberto and Frank is like wanting steak and eating wax beans. Frank is approximately one eighth of the man Roberto is. Roberto has dimples! And an accent! And dreamy eyes! Frank lives in his parents' house pretending to be following a dream of going to Hollywood, but really just polishing his forehead and waiting for fame to find him.
Quick aside: Ali's eye make up is too heavy handed and makes her look like she collects fat in her eyelids. Chris Harrison wants to know if Ali would have given Frank a rose at the final Tahitian Rose Ceremony if he had stayed? Would Chris have been kicked off earlier if Frank had stayed? Ali claims she has no way of knowing that. Her date with Frank could have sucked! Frank could have cried! Or pulled out his hair and curled up in a fetal position in the corner and needed to have Ali rub his tummy and fetch his Xanax inhaler. Anything could have happened. Ali is nice about it and claims that she doesn't think Frank set out to do anything harmful. He probably just came on the show to see what would happen and was surprised to find that he had feelings for Ali. After a while he realized he had unresolved feelings towards his ex. Ali gets that. She thinks he's an ass, but she gets it.
Chris Harrison than breaks the big news: Frank refused to show up. He just wouldn't come on the show. Ali is stunned. Heck, I'm stunned. I mean, THEY PROMISED. We didn't get him last week when The Men Explained it All with the understanding that we would get him here this week soiling the After the Final Rose and dulling Ali's rosy glow with his sad sack self and lame excuses. I get that Frank is just over this whole reality TV thing, but still. Closure! I needs it! Ali pouts, but then remembers that she has Roberto and shrugs. Who is going to whine about Frank when Roberto is waiting backstage? No one.
on the couch is Chris L., Chris Harrison reminds us that Chris was the dark horse in the competition. His Massachusetts roots and quiet strength were a winning combination, but compared to Roberto's smoking hot good looks and Spanish language skills, Chris's charms just paled in comparison. Like, literally. In case you missed Chris's exit from the show (you know, thirty minutes ago) they replay the entire scene from start to finish. Just to fill time. Basically, Ali knew she loved Roberto and decided to give Chris the boot a day early.
Harrison asks Chris if watching that scene hurt. Chris nods that yes, yes, it was not fun to watch. Harrison then wants to know if Chris had more time with Ali, like if she had actually allowed him the dignity of going on that last date, would he have won her over? Chris can't say for sure, but he had some serious Massachusetts Moves he was going to whip out. So yeah, maybe? Or not. Did he mention that he has a dead mom? Ali chose the one with a living mom. So maybe that's what she was looking for in a relationship? But then Chris reconsiders and ends up saying that Ali had two great guys at the end of her path to love and she chose the other one. You can't force love.
At this point I'm fully expecting a CGI version of The Supremes to pop up and sing back up with him. Instead we get Harrison reminding us that Chris hasn't seen Ali since she broke his heart into itty bitty pieces and fed it to a Tahitian sting ray. Harrison brings her out on stage and it is pretty much just as awkward as you would expect a nationally-televised reunion of two exes to be. It's just plain AWKWARD, but everyone plays nice. Ali thinks Chris looks great. Chris hopes Ali is happy. Harrison adds to the pig pile of awkwardness by asking Ali what it was specifically about Chris that Ali didn't like. What made Chris so much worse than Roberto? Ali tries to be nice about it and claims that she and Chris were more friend material, but basically says Roberto is really fucking hot and Chris is not.
Harrison then reminds those of us with no short-term memory that a rainbow appeared in the sky over Chris's bungalow the moment Ali dumped his ass. It was clear to everyone involved that Chris's dead mom gave him that rainbow as a hug and a reminder that he will always be mommy's special little guy and that fake blonde tramp never deserved him anyway. Then Chris thanks Ali for taking him on this magical journey even if she did leave him on the side of the road to be pecked at by buzzards until he died and Gil Grissom (or, god forbid, David Caruso) had to identify his body via dental records. But really, thanks. Harrison sends Chris back into anonymity. There is no way they are going to have Chris be the new Bachelor. He needs medicating and a hug and elocution lessons and maybe a personality transplant.
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Because Frank didn't show up for his public shaming, there is a LOT of time to kill and Chris Harrison and Ali sit around shooting the shit for half an hour. Chris teases Ali about her instant attraction to Roberto and how she tried to resist his charms, but no one can resist the charms of a slab of beef in a baseball uniform for long. She gave Roberto the "First Impression Rose" and still denied believing in love at first sight. But, dammit, she loved Roberto at first sight! They all laugh at the irony. But there is still more time to kill before the happy couple can be reunited on Harrison's micro suede couch. How about some more commercials? How about the extended dance remix of the Eat Pray Love trailer? You chicks dig that shit right? Let's show it twice, just in case.
At long last, Chris Harrison allows Roberto to come out and join Ali on stage. They jump into each other's arms and kiss. To put this into context, please to be remembering that Jake and Vienna looked this happy, too. AND LOOK AT THEM NOW! Except, YOU CAN'T because they are not allowed within 500 feet of each other. In case your frontal lobe has been damaged by repeated bashings with a car door, Chris Harrison queues up the extended version of the scene WE JUST SAW. You know the one where Roberto asked Ali to marry him? Yeah that one. You just saw it, but hey watch it again. BECAUSE I SAID SO. On the couch, Ali tears up watching the proposal and totally fucks up her makeup. Harrison wants to know how Ali managed to whittle down her choices from 25 vaguely disease free and legally eligible bachelors to just one guy? Ali reminds the blind and dead inside that Roberto is unbelievable attractive. He is also nice. And did she mention handsome?
After yet another round of time-killing and life-sucking commercials, Chris Harrison asks for details about their secret engagement. He appears to want the specifics of their sex life, but they pretend he is only asking about actual dating instead of the nitty gritty of cross-country phone sex. Harrison then asks about their future plans. They have an apartment in San Diego, Roberto is already living there and he has moved his business there. Ali is packing and looking for work or an opening on Dancing With the Stars.
Harrison doesn't back away from the tough questions: He wants to know when they are getting married. Roberto, being a sap, wants to get married soon. He wants Ali to know that outside of all the glitz and glamour of their primetime romance, he wants to marry her. Preferably sooner rather than later. Harrison recommends they wait until Fall sweeps. But before we go! One last product placement: A helicopter is waiting to take the happy couple to Catalina Island, California's 12th Most Romantic Destination. Courtesy of the Santa Catalina Tourism Council. On their way to the getaway car, the happy couple runs the gauntlet of Production Assistants, Interns, and Cameramen as they head off to their happy ending. So what do you think, oh devoted viewing audience, are Ali and Roberto the Tristan and Ryan? Or the Jake and Vienna? Is Chris L. going to be the Bachelor? Head to the forums to discuss.
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is too bitter to believe this will work. Shut up. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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