Previously on The Bachelor: Big Bang, Earth formed, molten lava, man walks upright, man regresses, Bob.
"Welcome to Long Lake," a folksy, friendly-looking homespun sign begs, as if it's the entrance to Epcot's LongLakeLand Adventure, light years from nowhere but only seventy-three miles from Alpena. (Heh. "Alpena.") I believe that this part of the world, sadly omitted from manifest destiny's ostensibly comprehensive plan, is called "Michigan." It has a college. And Bob Guiney. And Alpena. Heh. "Alpena."
A quick shot of a boat on some body of water clues us in on how food, drinking water, and emergency medical supplies (including tongue Band-Aids for the poor, kissed-out ladies) get from the mainland to wherever the hell this is, before we cut away to Bob "Fraunch Fries, Fraunch Dressing, Fraunch Kissing And, To Drink, Peru" Guiney, chattin' it up with the local...camera crew. "I find myself a week away from making one of the biggest decisions of my life." Not proposing marriage is one of the biggest decisions of your life? In that case, I make one of the biggest decisions of my life every day! Go, me! Hey, you guys? Today, will you not marry me? Wow, it really does feel good to make every day special.
Bob walks away from the water, fresh from sending out an S.O.S. to the world, holding a picnic basket. Uch. A picnic. With one of those wicker picnic baskets from Pottery Barn with the real silverware and the cloth napkins that yuppies buy for each other when they turn forty and then never use because instead they'll just eat inside like adults with dining room tables, thanks. Bob vamps that he's "confused" where he's "at with things." Good. A perfect quote in order to start unpacking the language of all this reeeeeal early this week. Okay. So, first, what Bob is NOT is "unsure of where he is in his choice between Estella and Kelly Jo." That's already been decided. I'm sorry, but it has. Conversely, what he IS so darned "confused" about is whether he's going to pick one of these girls at all, and, if so, how he can still be American's Metrosexual Sweetheart when he defaults to "see, now he's just a total ass" mode and doesn't offer up a commitment to either of them. I've read your book, you magnificent bastard! But only metaphorically. I haven't actually read that book.
In the interest of full disclosure, Bob goes ahead and explains the rules of the game. The Bachelor, the lover, the host, the on-site representative from the accounting firm of PriceWaterhouseCooper who explains how the votes are tabulated...the man does everything: "I'm going to be spending the day with Estella, and then tomorrow Kelly Jo will be coming here as well." People, it's only simple because he makes it so simple.
“ I still don't like it when people call attention to how non- Bachelor-y a Bachelor Bob is. He's like the Bachelor because he is the Bachelor. Subversiveness is not a toy, and from now on you can only hold it when your father and I are home. ”
Madly grating banter about the fact that they're going to drive a boat segues us to Bob and Estella driving a boat. Cut to the couple huddled under an umbrella (it's not raining, though, which means that they're insane!), neither of them driving the boat (INSANE!). Traveling past it, Bob points out the house his grandfather built, and Estella calls it "so beautiful." It's a split-level ranch seen through thick fog. It's not so anything. Back in a confessional, Estella tells us again that she thinks it's important that Bob's family like her, because we as viewers are unaware of the power of interpersonal and familial relations. But thanks to her, now we know.
Okay, now it's raining. Hogging an umbrella he's awfully committed to considering how much he adheres to the wet look, Bob leads and Estella follows through a sliding door at the water-facing side of the Guiney manse. The requisite hugs are exchanged with the fam: Mom Nora, Dad Bob, sister (and Mom doppelganger) DeDe, brother-in-law J.D. (wait, DeDe and J.D.?), and their kid, Jack. Nora (may I call you Nora?) proclaims Estella "gorgeous" to her face, and Estella rather disturbingly volleys back, "So are you!" Nora's hair is insane. Intergenerationally insane. And it's at peak viewing right now, because the arc of its bell curve is in direct sunlight and her pillbox hat fell off when the President got shot. Meanwhile, Estella's dad (who looks, I guess, like a dad) kicks it confessional-style, telling us that Estella seemed like a member of the family from the first moment she walked in the house: "It wasn't like we were meeting a stranger." That's because Bob offers up the Estella dossier point by point, outlining her great qualities so that he can hype up the good name of the girl he brought home without all of that pesky "conversational flow" and "letting somebody else get a word in edgewise for crying out loud" thing he keeps getting all tripped up on. Bob reminds us about her deaf father and her deaf brother. He makes a joke about interest rates when we're reminded that they both work in the real-estate industry. It's comedy gold, and the interest rate on gold is really high!
Ha! Wait, I totally didn't even hear this the first time I watched this! Bob tells the story of Estella's fast-beating heart her first night at Bob's Villa, and J.D. calls out from the back of the room, "That's better than a Tiffany bracelet!" I love that it's almost a year later and there's still time to find in our hectic days to make fun of creepy Russ. Bob's non-blood-relatives really scored points on that one. Except I still don't like it when people call attention to how non-Bachelor-y a Bachelor Bob is. He's like the Bachelor because he is the Bachelor. Subversiveness is not a toy, and from now on you can only hold it when your father and I are home.
“ Bob's wearing a shirt that features some kind of Asian symbols, proof that the Entertainment Department Of Media Saturation is doing its job properly and that the phrase 'once I was fat and now I am skinny' has successfully permeated the global market. Because, I mean, what the hell else would it say? ”
Man, does that sister have a bit of a Midwestern accent. She seems really nice, though. It's just too bad that she'd probably never be my friend in real life. Because she's a little older than I am. And I don't know where Michigan is. And I just implied that her mom was a freakish, girlfriend-poaching lesbian.
This is so much filler I'm on the brink of a joke ending with "don't even know 'er!"
Bob, effectively, tells his family that they're not being any help at all. He says it makes him nervous that each of the women has expressed herself and her feelings so blatantly ("I think I already started loving him" is blatant?) to him, and that he doesn't want to make any decision that wouldn't be "respectful" of them. Oh, my god, he totally hates both Estella and Kelly Jo. Amazing. "You know you want the right person who fits right for you," Bob's father says, figuring out that it isn't either one of them. Now THAT would have been an awesome freakin' ending. Everything would be different today. He finishes off with the confessional, "If tomorrow night's date with Kelly Jo goes anything like tonight's date with Estella went, I'm totally screwed. Because I don't know where I'm at." Oh, my god. He hates them both.
"Long Lake, A Great Place to Live and Play," yet another folksy, friendly-looking homespun sign begs, as if it's the entrance to Epcot's LongLakeLand Adventure, light years from nowhere but only seventy-three miles from Alpena. (Heh. "Alpena.") I believe this part of the world, sadly omitted from manifest destiny's ostensibly comprehensive plan, is called "Michigan." It has a college. And Bob Guiney. And Alpena. Heh. "Alpena."
It's the "tomorrow" we were promised might one day come. We meet up with Bob again, introducing us to the lake house in Michigan again. Again again again. He's wearing a shirt that features some kind of Asian symbols, proof that the Entertainment Department Of Media Saturation is doing its job properly and that the phrase "once I was fat and now I am skinny" has successfully permeated the global market. Because, I mean, what the hell else would it say? Because we are simpering half-wits, Bob needs to remind us that waaaaaay back before the commercial, Estella had a great time and received a warm reception at Bob's parents' house. He predicts that if Kelly Jo also kills with his family, he's going to leave "more confused." So when she doesn't (and she doesn't) make quite the same splash as Estella, we're supposed to go with the pat theory that Bob's family had some sway over this decision? Nuh-uh. What did, then? What mysterious cause? You mean, besides the fact that he's a commitmentphobe and he hates them both?