Daniel's wisely taken a vacation just as Jillian and her four remaining suitors take off for Spain. How are there still four people left? People need to stop coming back and they definitely could have done without those extra guys at the beginning. No wonder Daniel needed a vacation.
Well, we're in Madrid. You can tell by the lovely sites and the loud music. Jillian rocks a casual outfit as she wanders through a small market and contemplates her big choice. Will it be the newly returned Ed... or one of those other guys? If it's Wes, I swear to God I'm done with this show. Not that I ever really wanted to start with this show to begin with. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse. On with the show.
Because this ridiculous thing is still two effing hours, despite the fact that it has less content then ever, we get to reflect on her time with each of the guys, via footage from the entire season. First up, Kiptyn. Her jaw dropped to the floor when she saw him and they had instant chemistry. She likes his eight- or nine-pack abs. Nine-pack? Really, Jillian? She thinks he's too perfect; if he actually had a lopsided amount of ab muscles that might be an imperfection. She trusts him, but worries he might break her heart. Which isn't really trusting him at all.
up is Reid, one of the bonus guys from the first episode. See, if we didn't have those extra guys, we would have one less guy to deal with tonight and that would be so awesome. Anyway, she likes him, but they are really different. Broken record. She liked him better after she met his family, but she doesn't know if he's really ready to settle down.
Then back from the real world is glutton for punishment Ed. He was also a late arrival, and he's a workaholic. She wants him to commit to his job and her. We relive the crying and the tears and the drama and the fake emotions brought on by his return. She's scared he's going to let her down and that she'll always come second to his career.
Then there's that idiot Wes. He's so freaking smarmy even from the get-go. How does she not realize this? If she picks him, I'm nominating her as queen for life of that Hot Chicks With Douchebags site. Seriously. There's the Jake tattling, Wes getting pissed off, Jillian still letting him stick around. Jillian says that they've shared "intimate moments." Ew. She wants assurance that he's husband material and not just there for a record deal. I can't even. I don't know where to start. I'd rather have functionally-challenged Michael around. Also, how much do you want to bet that Michael and his equally dopey brother will be the first twins to be the Bachelor season? I'm just speculating...
All in all, Jillian's super-psyched to be in Spain because it is the perfect place to fall in love. Her first date is with Kiptyn. She thinks he might be out of her league. If he's willing to go on this show, I don't think she's got anything to worry about. She doesn't think he really cares about her that much, so she's hoping he'll show his true emotions. He interviews that he thinks he could fall in love with her. She brutalizes some Spanish. They hold hands and stroll through a cobblestone-paved park while they rehash her time with his family. He says after she left he told his sister that he would totally be ready to date her, but he's not ready to put a ring on it. Because he believes that this show is real and those proposals actually mean something, so he wants to wait until the timing is right. She reiterates that she's on this show to get engaged. Period. She says that there's a lot more time before the end... oh god. I can't even pay attention to the rest of this conversation. A lot more time before the end? I thought we were almost done. When does Daniel come back?
She composes herself and says that just because Kiptyn isn't on bended knee, she's not going to write him off completely. That would ruin their preplanned date, after all. They head off for flamenco lessons. It involves a lot of booty shaking. Then they perform on a stage, complete with costumes. Kiptyn looks ridiculous in insanely tight pants and he goofs around but looks like he's in pain. He says that it wasn't sexy. I'm also ninety percent positive that he calls her Jen, but maybe he just rushed Jillian? I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he actually knows her name because I think those pants might have cut off the circulation to his brain. Jillian thinks they had a fun, natural flirty date.
That night they head out on their date, and she again reiterates that she wants to get married. They hop on a moped (or scooter? I'm afraid I don't actually know the difference.) He drives them into the curb while parking at the restaurant. I'm immediately grossed out as they discuss the tight pants and the subject turns to his penis. I only wish that I were kidding. He says that he was worried because they hadn't even had the kid conversation yet. Jillian pounces on that little morsel. He wants kids, so does she. Riveting television. They eat escargot and she shares her limited knowledge of slugs. Neither of them shoots it across the room a la Pretty Woman. Now she starts asking about his ex-girlfriends and whatnot. She says it is because he reminds her of her father. Not in a gross way, but he thinks he's too generous and sweet and might be too much of a softie. He says that he can express his opinions when he needs to. I think I'd rather go back to the disgusting penis conversation. A little note comes to the dinner table. It's the key to the fantasy suite. She doesn't think she's ready to spend the night with somebody yet. Instead she invites him back to her place to cuddle. Now she's prudish? Not last season when she was hot-tubbing with Jason? He says he was excited about the fantasy suite and would have said yes, but he respects her decision. He's clearly disappointed that they aren't hooking up. They make out and roll around on the bed, but don't stay overnight.
Dating in the Dark. Grosser than Kiptyn and Jillian talking about his penis? Discuss.
The day, she's in Sevilla for her date with Reid. He brutalizes the Spanish language. Aw. They've got that in common. Annoying. He steals a flower from someone's garden and puts it in her hair. They stop at a local market for food for their picnic. She plans on eating and making out. Not necessarily in that order. Neither of them can speak Spanish and they have trouble communicating with the poor shop owners. He clearly learned his language off of a Starbucks menu, as he asks for a "soy grande." She says she'd love to travel with him -- they'd probably fight, but she'd also pee her pants laughing. Lovely. Thanks for that imagery, Jill. She does look fabulous in a little black sundress. I'll give her that. He tells her how much his family loved her. I think I like him better with the glasses. Personal opinion. He asks about the other hometown dates, she says all the families were nice. He tries to get mushy, but he's awkward and she starts giggling. They make out some more, which gets them both to stop talking. Nice!
They meet near a bridge for their evening date. He thinks it could be love, but he's not quite ready to say it ... yet. She wants him to say the L word, and she's "cutesy" about asking him to, and it is kinda charming... weirdly. I think this show has beaten the brain cells out of me. The audio on my TV wigs out at this point. Which is fine because from what I can piece together he just keeps telling her nice things, she smells nice, etc... He calls her on the fact that she rolls her eyes at him. But then they laugh. Fantasy suite time. He totally leaves it up to her. She again says that it's too soon, and he's fine with it. He would love to spend the night and wake up with her in the morning. He does admit that it sucks for him. He then tells her that he doesn't like that she'll be making out with three other guys... and maybe taking them to the fantasy suite. (My whole issue with this show!) She likes that he's jealous. She wants h
im to trust her... he says that he does. She says she's falling for him. He's got his glasses back on! He's my favorite at this point.
Sevilla again. This time it's Ed's turn. She reminds us that he has to play catch up since she didn't get to meet his family. He's just happy to be back. His hair looks less dopey somehow. They go on a carriage ride. He tells her that he's not the assertive type, so he's worried he didn't stand out at the beginning. He came back because he just wanted to give them a chance. He says the same crap he said last week. He doesn't mention things that I want to know. Like if he's going to get fired for going back to this stupid show instead of doing his IT thing. If the people at his real job made fun of him for going on this show. If he actually asked to come back or if the producers made him. Important things like that. She grills him about his family. She realizes they are behind, but the irresponsible part of her just wants to make out with him. Isn't all of her kind of irresponsible? They are making out in a fountain for crissakes. The locals are looking at them like they are idiots. She's looking for love on this show. AGAIN! She didn't learn the first time. She judges guys by their taste in hot dogs. Where's the responsible part of her exactly?
Jillian and Ed at night. She says she's been going on her dates with a list of questions, but she just needs to get to know Ed more in general. She tries to spin his absence in a good way, because she thinks that they can open up more now. Nice try, Jill. He talks about her hypothetically living with him in Chicago. He says that he adores kids, but he's not actually looking at her while he's talking. He's sort of staring into space. It's kind of weird. Fantasy suite time. He says that he'd like to spend the night with her. He frowns as she gives him the whole she'd like to wait speech. He tries to cover and say he would just like to spend more time with her. She keeps talking about not being ready to "go there" because clearly she doesn't want to say sex, but decides to go to the fantasy suite with Ed... but just to talk and get caught up. She can talk to Kiptyn about his junk being smooshed, but she can't say the word sex? I only just started watching this show last year -- is admitting to having sex with guys against Bachelorette protocol?
In the fantasy suite, they hop on the one bed and cuddle and talk. It's a pretty amazing room. She reiterates that they are sleeping in their clothes, but they are very snuggly. Doesn't look like they'll be doing much talking...
Barcelona. Wes is fired up because he's never been to Barcelona and doesn't know much about the music scene there. Wait, what? All the other guys have talked about how Spain is gorgeous and they want to hook up with Jillian. Wes goes on to regale us with tails about a song he wrote about Mexico. He feels at home living around Spanish people. Can someone please point out that Spanish people and Mexican people are NOT the same? If he wasn't already on my last nerve this would push me over the damned edge. Jillian says she wants to spend time with him, to figure out if they are right together. She's trying to put aside that whole Jake thing. He fishes for compliments. She giggles. They ride bikes around the city and annoy locals with their little bells. They stop at a gazebo for a little chat, which is sort of Jill's version of the Spanish Inquisition. Less torture for him, but more torture for those of us who have to watch. She's confused because he isn't crawling all over her like the other guys. She wants to know if he'd move to Vancouver for her. He thinks that would be crazy. She asks how they'd make it work, he points to a bird missing a leg in the park. Then he spills a drink all over the place. Jill, please take note of the GIANT warning signs that are flashing at you.
Wes's evening date. Oh boy. I can't freaking wait for the fantasy suite card. Ugh. She looks fabulous in a red dress. He looks like a schlub in beat up jeans and an ugly denim shirt. She thinks he's really distant. She considers him a bad boy singer and doesn't care what people think, but she wants to be able to defend her choices. Oh, it is far too late for that. He says that he doesn't have a girlfriend, but he doesn't deny that this show is good for his career. He admits that going on this show was his manager's idea. OK. Let's take a minute here, is this show actually going to be good for his career? Playing (or showing the world that he actually is) a sleazy douche on TV is going to convince people to buy his records how? I'd like to think that the people watching this show would be smart enough to catch on to his act. Why on earth would someone want love songs from a cheating ass. Plus, the songs that he's played on this show have been pretty much terrible, so I'm very confused by this whole logical leap.
Back to Jillian and Wes. She wants to know why he didn't kiss her when he met her in Spain. He stares at her with the blankest expression ever. He tries to say that he was worried that she didn't want kisses. He says he's a one-woman guy. Which woman would that exactly be? She actually raises a good point and says that she's not going to pick a guy she has no physical connection with. She says that she had some concerns about his motives, but she wants to make sure he actually has feelings for her. He says that he's looking out for numero uno. Figures, the one guy who can actually utter a Spanish phrase is a total ass. Jillian asks why Laurel is so important. He says she's one of his best friends. Jillian wants to know the details about why they split. He gives very short answers. Jill wants to better understand why Jake said what he said, so she asks Wes to pretend that she's Jake and tell her the story. He says his girlfriend... long pause ... er ex-girlfriend ... long pause. Jillian sighs. At this point, the fantasy suite card arrives. Wes says he thinks they should take advantage of it. What the Hell?!?!? She finally realizes he's the scumbag we've seen all season and tells him that she thinks they should skip it. He actually looks disappointed. Jillian interviews that she realizes that he's been keeping secrets and she feels sorry for him. Their date ends abruptly.
Rose ceremony time. It seems pretty unnecessary... Right? Right? Wait, she says it is a hard rose ceremony for her... what does that mean? Oh, wait, she says she's never been more sure about who she should send home. Thank god. She had me worried there for a second. Kiptyn tells the guys if he goes home that he hopes they all keep it real. I just love it when Kiptyn tries to be hip. It is so ridiculous that it makes me laugh. Repulsive Wes says that if it is him that they should think of him at home where he'll be having lots of sex. He laughs as the other guys physically try to stand as far away from him as possible. Don't worry fellas, I don't think asshole is contagious... unless you are Laurel. Jillian wears this hot little super short strapless dress with feathers on the bottom! Feathers! Hell yes! She tells them she had a great week in Spain and felt really special and loved. She doesn't say that she had the worst date with Wes. Did Chris not get to make the trip to Spain? He hasn't shown up yet. That sucks for him. He's got the worst job on television and he doesn't even get a free trip to Europe? Not nice, ABC.
Jill picks Ed for the first rose. Reid for the second, who looks like he's going to cry. Poor little Kiptyn looks nervous. I never noticed the big ears that he has. How did that pass me by? Guess I always got distracted by his stupid name and his rockin' nine-pack. Wes just stares like a moron. Jillian asks if she can walk him out. Punch him. PUNCH HIM! Just a little slap. Something. Ream him out! Please? For me? Damn. She doesn't say anything, just hugs him and waves. She interviews that she wanted to wait until after his hometown visit to kick him to the curb, because she wanted to make sure that she made the right decision and Jake wasn't lying. Again, what did Jake have to gain from l
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ying? Aside from more screentime? She thinks Wes should regret coming to Spain if he has a girlfriend, but if he didn't, he should have shown her some (any) affection. In the limo, he gives that smarmy grin that I know and hate. Then he's got a drink in his hand and applauds himself for the fact that he's the first guy to make it to the top four with a girlfriend. I hope he's really proud of himself. He says his acting days are over, but he had gone as far as he could go with Jillian. He talks more about his crappy music and how important he is. He's planning on partying in Spain with the ladies... which I'm sure his girlfriend will love. Then he says something about Reid, which has to be censored. He talks about how Ed wouldn't get a nibble in Texas, and then I think he says something about wanting to meet up with some ho's. I have to go take a shower now.
Jillian says she's proud of the three guys she's got left, and she feels like a lucky girl. They are leaving Spain and heading to Hawaii. Great, we'll get to see Kiptyn's nine-pack. In three weeks it is the finale. Three weeks? It looks very teary. Naturally.
There's a scene over the credits from Reid's date, where the duo spot an orange tree and she climbs on his shoulders to reach them. Are you allowed to just pick fruit off of someone's tree randomly on the street? Guess it didn't matter since they weren't able to actually reach it. And there's two hours of my life gone that I can't get back. At least the scenery was pretty.
Relive the hell that was this season with our list of its worst moments!
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