Previously on I couldn't care less about this freaking show: Jillian finally got around to dumping Wes because he wasn't affectionate enough. I don't think it's a total coincidence that the commercial that preceded this episode was for Raid. "Kills Bugs Dead" and then two seconds later there's Wes' ugly mug.
Tonight Jillian is in Maui with her final three fellas and Daniel somehow still manages to be on vacation... damn him. We're treated to scenes of Jillian in a bikini playing in the surf dreaming about getting proposed to. She draws little hearts in the sand, with the letter J + ?. I don't know if it is because I ate too much ice cream at dinner [You ate ice cream for dinner? -- Mindy] or what, but I'm already nauseous and it is only about three minutes in.
The first date is with Kiptyn. She's 90 percent sure about him. Which translates to her running across a skinny little bridge and jumping on him the second she sees him. They take a little golf cart/Jeep thing, with her behind the wheel, and they head off down a dirt road. She says their date is a trust adventure. They arrive at their destination to do a ropes course. It's going to teach her if Kiptyn has what it takes to be a team player. Which confuses me because all of these tasks seem to be solo. But it is far from the most baffling thing about this show, so I'll ignore it. She's supposed to go first across a wobbly bridge, but chickens out. He offers to go first, and then gives her encouragement from the other side. Kiptyn likes that she's showing her girly weak side. OK, not his exact words, but that's the general sentiment. She likes that he didn't take it too seriously and he was goofy. She compares his tightrope walking skills to watching a baby giraffe. Kiptyn doesn't mind playing the clown for her if it makes her happy.
Their last task is to climb a telephone pole and stand on the top of it and then jump out into nothing and try and grab a trapeze. It's called the leap of faith. Kiptyn climbs right up, but Jill gets nervous at the top of her pole. My dirty mind is racing with gross jokes, but I'll spare you. Kiptyn coaches her up and encourages her. Then they both take a deep breath and leap for the trapeze. She isn't even close, but he nails it. Then some ziplining to wind things down. They share a little sunset snack of fruit, and they joke around. He tries to woo her with some cornball lines. It seems to work.
Nighttime date. Jill's all gussied up in a simple little black outfit, slim pants and a tight tank, but it's not nearly as cute as anything she wore in Spain. They have a fancy dinner outdoors. Her favorite part of the day was when he talked her through the leap of faith. She says she's not as strong as she might always seem. She keeps referring to the telephone pole as a totem pole, but in my limited knowledge of totem polls, they typically have designs on them. This pole was just a big hunk of wood with footholds. I know I'm being nitpicky, but if you are going to fill two hours with inane chatter and her saying the word totem pole about 100 times, it's going to get under my skin. Now it's time to pester him with annoying questions. She wants to know if he has any flaws. He claims that he's impatient, and that he's never been fully committed to his previously relationships. Jillian tells him that she trusts him the most of anyone, but she's scared that their relationship might work out as terribly as all of his previously relationships. That's how most dating scenarios play out, Jill. He doesn't want to hurt her, and he feels that she's someone he could spend a lifetime with. She pulls out the Fantasy Suite card from her napkin, like magic. He's all for it, but it's up to her. She's said she didn't like leaving him in Madrid and she doesn't want to pass up another opportunity.
At the hotel, there's champagne and candles and the two of them making out all over the bed. Kiptyn does that coy thing where he closes the doors on the cameras, so they can have alone time. Like we think they are playing Scrabble in there? I don't want to see them doing anything, but they don't have to pretend to be all pure here. We get it. And it is gross. But I watch far worse on television, so I can't really judge.
Date two is Reid. Jill has a special romantic date planned, and it apparently involves a beach ball. She jokes that they are just going to hang out, so he doesn't get distracted, but he doesn't care, he just wants to make out. Aw. So smooth that Reid. He's a total cheeseball. Then a helicopter arrives. It's his first time in one and she's superpsyched about that. He compares their ride to being in heaven. The pilot jokes that he's an ordained minister and could marry them on the spot. Reid looks dumbstruck and then interviews that on the fly marriages are not his style.
They have a picnic near the ocean. She interviews that she could see him at the end of the aisle when she walks down. She bluntly then asks him if she freaked him out talking about marriage. He says that the time frame has been a little rushed for him, so he's out of his comfort zone. This is because he's a rational human being. He then says that he doesn't like her being with other guys. Again, totally makes sense. She wants to know if this was their last date and he had to decide tomorrow, what would he do? Would he profess his love? She expects an answer at dinner. She interviews that she wants to give him time, but she's also on this stupid reality show with time constraints built in, so she doesn't really have the luxury of exploring a lasting relationship with someone, she just needs someone attractive who can propose.
For their evening date, they have dinner at the beach... with tiki torches even. She giggles when she sees him. She looks cute in a long tangerine colored dress. He toasts to the best dates he's ever had. Jill thinks they have serious chemistry, so she lets him off the hook easily. She talks about where they'd live. Then she says he has to be ready to propose at the end of this. He kind of says maybe, and she laughs at him. He says if she'd kicked him in the ass today, they could have gotten married on the helicopter. He tries to put his feelings into words, and he gets all shy and doesn't really answer it. Time to play the Fantasy Suite card. He says that he's scared... because he got denied once. Then he interviews that he needs that extra alone time to feel more confident in their relationship.
More candles, more cuddling on the bed. He again tells her that he's not good with words and expressing feelings. He's afraid of the L word, because he doesn't say it a lot. I think he still might think this is for real. He interviews that he might not make it to the end because he didn't lie and say that he loved her when he didn't. Clothes strewn on the floor and then they are in a bubble bath. She toasts to his attempt at opening up. More kissing, no cute little door closing. Just lots of candles and bubbles.
Now here's my question... how exactly does the morning shake out. Does she kick him out of the suite so she can get ready for her date with the guy? Does she sneak back to her room doing the walk of shame? Is there no breakfast date or morning after snuggling? Just curious.
The day, it's time for Ed's date. It is on a boat. A really big boat. Maybe a yacht? Again, his hair doesn't look entirely terrible, so I can see why she might like him. Because with his hair product free, he kind of looks weird. The duo finds some canvas netting that they lay on that happens to be very bouncy, like a trampoline. After hopping around they settle down and chat. He says that he's been thinking about her every day... and not work. She whines again that she never got to meet his family and she can't imagine getting engaged without meeting his family. He says that his family calls him Richie. She latches on to that little nugget of info. Then they are diving into the water and swimming around/making out. He claims that he's caught up in her, but he's still doing that thing where he doesn't actually ever look directly at her. She interviews that she wants to be around him constantly. He says that he wants her to meet his family, so he flew them out there. He meaning the show producers. Clearly. She flips out, because it means he listens to her and really cares about her. Or knew that it would make more compelling television because the producers told him so. One of those things, I'm sure.
Afternoon meet-the-family date. Judy and Rick are donning Hawaiian shirts and chilling at their hotel. She starts telling them what she likes about their son. Jill and Judy both like to play cards. What a terribly un-fascinating coincidence. Judy drags Jill outside and says that this really isn't Ed's scene, but whatever. Inside, Rick wants to know why the hell they got dragged to Hawaii. Don't question a free trip, dude. Ed says he was able to salvage his job. Ed interviews that his dad worries that Ed's career is going to go to pot because of this fucking stupid show. I'm with dad. Ed brushes it all off. Dad does appreciate that he made a mistake and is trying to make it right. Ed says that he'll propose, if Jill picks him. Rick does seem happy, or buzzed off the beer he's drinking. Outside Judy just nods and smiles while Jill blathers on. Rick interrupts the girl chat. Dad wants to know a lot about her and basically what her intentions are. Dad has a strange mustache, and seems to be teary when talking about his son throwing away his career opening up his heart.
Afterwards, Ed and Jill discuss their conversations on the beach. They both think it went well. Then Jill pulls out the Fantasy Suite card. She can't pass it up. Of course. He doesn't seem to mind this suggestion. She wants to wrap up the day so they can have "intimate cozy sexytimes." Yes, those were her exact words. Lovely.
He shows up at the suite with the dopiest looking hairdo yet. Jill interviews that she finds him so sexy. He makes her heart skip a beat. You say so, lady. This fantasy suite is not nearly as nice as the one in Spain, but there are more candles and flowers and the usual. I'm sure they don't care about the décor as much as I do. He says he's nervous because he wants to tell her that he loves her. She says that she's worried that she'll end up taking a backseat to his work. He explains that he's looking for her to help him with some work/life balance. He's staring off into space while he's telling her this. That drives me bananas. Then he claims that he's falling in love with her, and he doesn't care about anything else. He wants this to be the perfect night. I'm worried that their papasan chair is going to fall over. Not to worry, since he lifts her and carries her to the bed. A few minutes later she gets up and goes to the bathroom, and comes back wearing a strange little nightgown, which is long sleeved, but really low cut. Hot? Hard to say. It's time for massage oil. OK. Close the little doors now, producers. Please? My eyes. My eyes! I don't need to see him oiling her up. Really, I don't. Thankfully, they finally cut away, but the drumming music is still going. As the lights turn out and the cameras scan down to the beach and the calm surf lapping at the beach. Ah, that's a much nicer sight than the massage oil. I feel refreshed now, thanks.
Suddenly, the lights turn back on in their room and we see Ed face down on the bed and Jillian straddling him in a bizarre hug. Oh no, did he die? She interviews that it wasn't quite a fantasy. She claims they were exhausted and sunburned, but they didn't really have the passion that she expected. Or as she puts it that "I want my hands to be all over you" feeling. Ah, it was a flop. Performance anxiety in front of the camera, perhaps? She says she wanted to be "affectionate" with him the whole run of the show, and the feelings aren't quite there. She's crying and stressed out. Ed claims that his nerves got the best of him and that he couldn't show her how much she meant to him. He admits this might have given her the wrong impression, and he doesn't know how he'll react if he gets sent home. I think if he can't look at her, and he can't get it up, even with hot oil and lots of booze, that it probably isn't meant to be, but that's just me. Call me romantic.
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The morning, Jillian gets dressed, saying she is stressed out because she has a connection with all three of the guys. She hops out of a limo and then Chris is there. Oh, how I've missed Chris. He wants to know how she's doing. He's trying not to look bitter about the fact that he got stuck stateside and missed all the Wes drama in Spain. She says she's where she thinks she's supposed to be, he wants to know the deal. She admits she's falling in love with more than one of the guys. She's getting all teary. She now has to rehash the dates. This is complete with clips of footage we saw like 40 minutes ago. Kill me now. She had fun with Kiptyn and he coached her along and it was cute. Chris wants to know if there's a catch with him, she says that she hasn't seen Kiptyn's vulnerabilities and he could break her heart. Reid makes her laugh, and they are fresh together. She thinks that Reid is way out of his comfort zone, and he can't really commit. Chris now wants to know about her "alone time" in the suite with Ed. Way to go for it, Chris! She thinks they should have wanted to rip each other's clothes off, but instead they both wanted to go to sleep. This presumably didn't happen with Reid or Kiptyn, but she tries to blame the situation again. She wants to know if she should take a gamble that the physical attraction will be there once the cameras go away. Chris calls her wishy-washy because she's falling for three different guys, but she thinks that it is totally possible, and she's got a tough choice.
To help her along in her highly scientific decision-making process, the guys each left her a private video message, which will now be broadcast for the world to see. Chris leaves her to watch, as the guys start arriving outside. Kiptyn says it has been an amazing ride, and brings up the flamenco pants for the 400th time. He says she's someone he could spend the rest of his life with and that together anything is possible. Reid says that the Fantasy Suite was one of the best nights of his life, and acknowledges that he's avoided the questions but his feelings have grown really quickly and it is scary. He hopes that she keeps him around. She looks disappointed that he doesn't actually commit. Ed says that it's been a great experience... when he's been around... but he thinks she can make him a better man. She smiles and laughs throughout his video, but mostly because he says the word propose. Methinks Reid is in trouble, since he didn't use that buzzword in his video, and clearly that's her primary objective here. She waffles for a while, saying she's spent the night with all of them, but she's still undecided and not ready to make a decision.
There's still twenty more minutes left? This show is trying to kill me. Seriously. Chris welcomes the guys to their Maui rose ceremony, where there are only two roses left. Jillian comes out and says she's falling in love with all of them. They all look sad. Nice acting skills. She is then at a loss for words. Wow. Thought that would NEVER happen. Awesome. Could the ten minutes just be her standing in silence? I would LOVE that. She then asks Ed if she can talk to him. Guess it is about his problem with ED and if Viagra could help matters, or if he's really just not that into her. She interviews again that she thinks he's the total package for her husband, but they might be lacking the chemistry. She resists the urge to stare at his crotch the entire time. I'm so proud of her. He says that he's having a hard time adjusting to everything, but he thinks that everything going on is getting to him. He asks for a little bit of trust from her, and basically promises her that he's good in bed. He almost looks her in the eye during this conversation. That's a refreshing change of pace.
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On to the roses. She's basically crying as she gives the first one to Kiptyn. No real surprise there. He's serious and apparently decent in the sack. Then she stands there for an interminable amount of time, before she calls Ed's name. Aw. Poor Reid. He really never stood a chance. I still think he's totally adorable though. On their walk out, he tells her he hopes she made the right decision, and that she seems undecided. She says he was everything she wanted, but she was scared he wasn't that committed. He says he should have opened up sooner. They sit on a bench and cry together for a while. Then she escorts him to the limo, where they hug and cry some more, before he gets in. He drives off and she goes and sits back on the little bench and just starts bawling. Reid's limo ride is significantly more subdued than Wes's. He ponders if he should have opened up more, and sooner. He says that his elimination is his own fault, and he doesn't like to see her with either of those guys.
She pulls herself together, after Ed comes down the hill to retrieve her, and toasts to the last two guys. She tells them they'll head to the big island week. Clink.
week, the Men Tell All. And God willing, Daniel will be back.
Relive this Bachelorette season's worst moments!
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