Welcome to Herpes Watch 2010! If you have purged your brain of all traces of last season's The Bachelor due to blunt force head trauma or by watching Bachelor Jake Dance with the Stars while his horse-faced love Vienna watched angrily from the sidelines (same thing really), you may have blocked out that Ali was vying for Jake's Lurve last season. Five-eighths of the way through the competition for his heart and loins and frequent flier miles, Ali realized she forgot to ask for enough time off from her job and was quite reasonably ...er, cold heartedly told to get her ass back to her cubicle by her boss who was clearly an enemy of love and not at all a responsible member of a capitalist society. Being a reasonably modern woman with at least two remaining viable brain cells in her head, Ali opted to keep her job and forsake love. Obviously upon returning to work, she immediately killed off the two brain cells that had been controlling her career path and begged to come back to the show. Jake said no, because Vienna was already putting out and they had this awesome Katherine the Great thing going on. And the other girl whose name I forget was basically two bluebirds short of being a Disney princess and who would turn her down on national television? Have you seen what those Justin Bieber fans did to poor innocent Kim Kardashian at the mildest soupcon of suspicion that Kim has a thing for mop-topped tweenagers? No one dumps a Disney princess without repercussions. Also, Ali obviously had her priorities completely wrong. I mean, clearly Jake's wife wouldn't WORK (shudder). So now Ali is back, having tossed aside her dream job, her keyboard, her sensible pants suits and is choosing LOVE. No longer will fear (of being unemployed in this economy) dictate her choices. She wants love! Or at least a lot of premarital sex on national television. She's ready. Ali has packed her waterproof mascara, moved out of her apartment, quit her job, and is ready to find the love she lost when she walked out on Jake. Yes, she was in love with Jake. No really. Stop laughing. She was. Deeply in love, in fact. DEEPLY. Anyway, Ali wants to attain at least that level of love again. Then we are treated to a montage of Exciting Events and Chances at Love to come. Yeah, it's probably best just to plug your nose and jump.
Chris Harrison gives us a brief introduction to the 25 putatively eligible bachelors vying for Ali's love and affection. There's Frank from Illinois who gave up his career as some M & A schmuck to follow his dream of being a screenwriter and now lives with his parents. Winner! No really I'm all for following your dreams, but my dreams don't involve living in my parents' house. we meet Jay who is a lawyer at his daddy's firm in Rhode Island. Hope Ali likes family types! Then there's Craig who is in dental sales, you know, like the Tooth Fairy. He hails from Canada and kind of looks like Dean of Tori & Dean and my guess is that this is intentional, which probably says everything you need to know about Craig. up is Kyle, a lonely mountain man from Colorado who has no fear of hemp necklaces, taxidermy, long johns or expressing his deep and desperate need for female companionship. He killed a bear, so he is pretty handy to have around. He needs a woman to ice fish, dust the stuffed cats, and keep him warm at night. Justin is a professional wrestler who chooses to work under the name of 'Rated R', but he swears the homoerotic spandex thing is just an act. Did he mention he loves his grandma? Did he mention he is a Canadian entertainment wrestler? That just seems wrong. No offense, Canada. Don't send me any poutine. Phil is an investment manager from Chicago with baby blue eyes and a dead brother, so he is pretty much irresistible, unless she prefers Chris who comes from Cape Cod and has a dead mother and a landscaping business. Jonathan is a baby-faced weatherman from Houston, Texas and Ty is a recent divorc-eh in Memphis who got the dog and a dark sadness in the separation. Then a whole bunch of Ali's Man Candy gets shown in quick succession with no stories or backgrounds or dead relatives or taxidermy so you know they must be eliminated pretty quickly. My bet is that the weatherman hangs around for awhile and maybe the professional wrestler and, obviously, the woodsman, but just because everyone is scared of him and won't tell him to leave.
On their way to meet Ali, the contenders all toast to Jake's general douchiness that resulted in Ali being available to the highest bidder. Ali shows up at the party before the men arrive and she and Chris go and have a chat. She is looking lovely in a floor-length black gown with her blonde hair flowing. Ali assures Chris that she is ready to take the step: love. She swears that she fell in love with Jake last time, which is ...well, sad. First because despite the chiseled chin, Jake is a total tool. Second, because she keeps apologizing for WANTING A CAREER. Like, being career-oriented is the most tragic thing that ever happened to her. I swear to god if Betty Friedan doesn't stab her by the end of this episode I will do it myself. Ali then blurts out to Chris that she wants to be pregnant! I hope she means by the end of the season, because that would be delightful to watch. If only I had a 3D television.
After another commercial break, Ali meets her man meat. They pull up in a limo hooting and hollering like teenagers at a suburban prom or grown men at a rodeo. First out of the limo is Chris, a real estate developer from yet another Canadian province, who makes Ali laugh, which is the first step to getting laid. up is Jesse who recites a line that has got to be culled straight from the town's chamber of commerce materials. Namely, "How do you feel about dating a peculiar man?" Ali's like WTF? And he finishes, "I'm Jesse from Peculiar, Missouri." And then I want to punch him in the neck and never think about him again. is Chris our Cape Cod landscaper with the dead mommy and a love of lobster who claims they already have chemistry. Then it's our big-eared divorced dog lover, Tennessee Ty. Then the guy who lives in his parents' basement by choice pops out the sun roof of the limo, as in NOT FROM THE DOOR (I mean, right? Kooky!) and Ali fucking DIES with adoration at Frank the non-door user. Then Rated R comes limping out of the car and Ali wells up at the thought of anyone ever using crutches ever. Then it's daddy's little lawyer, Jay, who pops by to say hello, followed by a guy who chucks a rose at her and then another guy who has a really odd accent and peppers his introduction with the phrase "Check it out" as if Ali has any choice in the matter but to stand there and smile pleasantly. Then the fucking mountain man shows up and FAKE FISHES for Ali and she thinks it's adorable or pretends really well. Roberto shows up with a lovely Latin accent and a dancing invitation and gets Ali giggling like a sugared up schoolgirl. Then it's Canadian Craig with a brightly striped tie and a guy named John who is so forgettable that ...well, I'm not going to bother. Sorry John's mom is probably reading this and going to send me a harshly worded email that her son deserved my derision and sweat of the brow. And then there is another much more interesting John, who gets down on one knee and proposes with a cubic zirconium ring that they spend some alone time together. It was pretty cute and funny. Now THAT'S a John! Holy fuck there are still ten eligible guys left. Jonathan the Texan weatherman is up first and he is charming and gives her a weatherman's sunshine so she can always be sunny. Then someone who hugs like my Uncle Ken and appears to have no personality (also like my Uncle Ken!) and then a guy named Kirk who makes her a rose out of a paper napkin or something and Tyler who is a cater waiter who totally makes an ass of himself by not remembering what Ali was wearing during her first date with Jake. I mean, how could he not know? What an ass. Then it's Hunter who swears he had something funny to say but he really has to pee and can't talk. Ali finds this just too too funny and sends him inside before he waters the palm tree. I am pretty sure Blair Waldorf would have stabbed him with her Louboutin. Deservedly, I might add. Then there's a guy who throws leaves for Ali to wish on and Phil with the dead eyes and a guy named Shooter who seems simultaneously foppish and bro. Rounding out the herd, Jason backflips off the car much to Ali's entertainment, but you can tell he learned it by watching Nascar and not at trapeze camp and is that much less interesting because of it.
Cruelly abandoned by Harrison, Ali walks into the wolf pack alone. Ali is both intimidated and feeling like the luckiest woman alive. But not as lucky as the guy who first notices her slightly shiver and gets to wrap his blazer around Ali's bare arms. Frank announces that Ali is beautiful and stunning and that is all he has ever wanted in a lady and he knows he has to make a bold move. So he walks up and grabs her out of the arms of two other guys. He admits he lives in his parents' house and she doesn't cringe, so I guess that's something to build a relationship on. Kirk admits that he has made Ali a present. It's a scrapbook made from his hopes, dreams, spunk, and heart. Yes, he's been doing some light SCRAPBOOKING and it includes MACRAME. Clearly Kirk is a highly eligible bachelor ...for the nursing home set. I mean, fuck: MACRAME? He has to be at least 90.
up for some alone time is Kasey of the indeterminate accent who claims he is from California. He tells her a tragic tale of his father's (now very public) extramarital affair and how much it affected him and Ali is touched by his pain and honesty, but she probably just said that so he would stop talking out of his weirdly non-moving jaw. Then Hunter sings her a song on his ukulele and it is cuteness personified. Well, ukulele cuteness, not kittens and squirrels nuzzling cuteness. Finally it is Shooter's turn. He wants her to know the etymological roots of his nickname. And what is the derivation? He's a premature ejaculator! Or at least was at one time, but swears he's not now! Hahahahahaha! Ali is just enough of a sorority girl (sorority girls are usually at least 40% dude) to think this is the best story she has ever heard. Not that she's going to sleep with him or anything. But she does think he is brave for announcing h
is propensity for premature ejaculation on the primetime TV when his mom is probably watching. Bravo, Shooter! Then the Weatherman and Fake Dean McDermott make an Ali sandwich poolside, but Fake Dean doesn't get a word in edgewise and as soon as Ali leaves, he quickly makes himself known as The Underminer with a bunch of backhanded and slightly harsh comments to his competitors. But I'm still going to call him Fake Dean. Finally Roberto sweeps Ali away for a last tango in Pasadena before Harrison comes and spoils their evening with all the damn roses.
Harrison sets down his magical "First Impression" rose while Roberto is sweet talking Ali out on the patio. While Roberto plays a hot Latin on TV, in actuality he is an insurance agent from Charleston via Tampa. He moves in for a few dance moves and then Ali switches dance partners. Chris from Cape Cod offers her his coat. Ali is a full-on jacket slut, which I hope bodes well for future episodes. During their alone time, Chris doesn't play the dead mommy card, which actually makes me like him more. up is weirdo mountain man Kyle who can't make eye contact, but offers Ali a gold-plated fishhook. Ali nods politely and then goes to pull Rated R off the injured list and makes him hop outside for some quality time together. He promises to get all "Rated R" on anyone who interrupts their one-on-one time, but sadly, he doesn't. Instead, after their chat he hobbles inside and gets harassed by the guys. Obviously Fake Dean is the ringleader because that is what Fake Dean does: Ring lead. Well, that and stalk Tori Spelling and Tori Spelling look-alikes. Then some guy named Craig R. gets very paternalistic and warns Ali to be careful because some people aren't here for the right reasons, which is super obnoxious, but must be even MORE obnoxious to Ali who has been through this before and not just been doing it for ten minutes. Then he gives her a keychain with a sneaker on it and Ali is a much better actress than me, because it almost seems like she likes it, even though it is ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE that she likes it because it is a KEYCHAIN with a SNEAKER on it. Like what the fuck, Craig R.? It's not romantic, it's not cute, it's not funny, it's not memorable. IT'S A KEYCHAIN WITH A SNEAKER. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE: He has TWO keychains with sneakers on them and if you put them side by side they make a PAIR OF KEYCHAINS. Zomg! Dying! Ali claims she appreciates his paternalistic tone and his warnings of false bachelors and the fucking keychain. I call bullshit. Or head injury.
Then Harrison wanders in and chimes on his champagne glass and asks for a little help. He asks the mens to all write down the names of competitors who "aren't there for the right reasons" as if ANY of them are there for any reason other than boredom, a hoot, some booty, and FAME WHORING. Everyone stares at the ballot box and eyes each other nervously. The mens are all atwitter over this twist, but they immediately start thinking strategically. Everyone seems to hate Rated R and obviously Fake Dean. Outside, Ali is back to her jacket whoring ways, this time with Peculiar Jesse who chirps that this is the first suit he has ever owned, which IS NOT A GOOD SIGN, ALI. Jesse has made her a little heart out of wood at his sister's recommendation and it is actually kind of cute and a far far cry from the aforementioned besneakered keychain atrocity. Then Ali and Tennessee Ty and his ears are outside talking about The Box again and if I had seen that movie I would make some reference to it, but for chrissakes I can't do EVERYTHING. Ali likes Ty's accent, but there's not much else to notice about him besides his ears, but she's too nice to point out those. Then Ali decides it is time to hand out the First Impression rose. She winds her way through the house, breaking the hearts of all the men she walks past who think she is headed towards them. She goes straight to Roberto who is pretty much the only guy outside of Cape Cod Chris who hasn't come across as a doofus or an ass or a goofball or an eager beaver. They hug and kiss and BOO YAH first rose! We are no longer rose virgins, people!
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Chris calls the session to order and pulls out The Box. The men have spoken and they have an overwhelming opinion. Chris says that Ali can either listen to the mob and boot the guy or trust him and let him stay. So who is the lucky loser? Justin a.k.a. Rated R. Poor guy looks genuinely shocked when his name is called. He and Ali go talk and he looks stunned. He thinks it is because he is a professional wrestler and the men just don't understand his passion for the *cough * sport. Ali leads him back out to the crowded living room and pins a rose on him. He's staying! The men all grumble about his crutches and affirmative action for the differently abled and fake body slamming, but Rated R just beams.
Then it's Rose Ceremony time. Harrison reminds the men that Roberto and Rated R are safe. Ali does the obligatory "It's not you, it's this damn production" speech. First rose? Peculiar Jesse. Um...okay. We have VERY different taste in men, Miss Ali. Second? Tennessee Ty. Oy. This is going to be a long season, because third is MISTER FUCKING KEYCHAIN. Then some guy named Tyler who I have honest to god never seen before. Frank, who despite living with his parents seems like an all right guy. Then Steve from Ohio, who apparently exists? And then Chris L. and then MR. SCRAPBOOK. Then John C. and Chris N. and Chris H. who may have all made an impression on Ali, but clearly not on me as I have no recollection of them. Then it's Hunter and his ukulele. Then she chooses Fake Dean and...oh honey, no! He's just going to spend all his time comparing you unfavorably to Tori. Just don't put yourself through that. Second to last rose goes to the Weatherman. Harrison announces the Final Rose. The recipient? Kasey of the Accent and stiff jaw. Harrison tells the losers to clear out. First up and out is Mountain Man Kyle who is yearning for some fresh kill and clean air, and I am so proud of you, Ali, for making the right life choices and steering clear of men who will want you to gut their fish and when you die he will stuff you and mount you on the wall to his first Yellow Lab. As Kyle leaves, he struggles with the mansion's door, because he is used to a tent and these hinges are just a huge inconvenience and challenge. Not like wrestling a grizzly challenge, more like catching a salmon with your teeth challenge. Shooter goes home , so hurt that he told Ali his painful tale of premature ejaculation and SHE STILL REJECTED HIM. She is a cruel woman. He's too good for her. Bitch. Last out the door is Daddy's Little Lawyer who is sad to leave because his daddy promised him a Saab if he won himself a bride. Crap. Now he has to mail order one from the damn Baltics just like his brother who was always his dad's favorite. And he was SO ready to fall in love, too.
So what do we have to look forward to this season? A tug-of-war, some tight-rope walking, world travels, volcanoes, HPV shots, man boobs, primogeniture, pocket squares, Kasey krying, a possible suicide attempt, wrestling, arguments, a secret girlfriend, tears, disenchantment, and, obviously CHRIS HARRISON. Aren't you just DYING?
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is bathing in Purell in preparation for week's episode. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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