Jason greets the day shirtless, as he talks about what a regular guy from Seattle he is, and how amazing the experience has been. And you're kind of wondering what experience he's talking about, and then you feel really bad when you realize that he's talking about being on this show. "I didn't expect to meet someone like DeAnna," he says. No one expects to meet someone like DeAnna! Take that however you wish.
God, does there have to be so much recycled footage? Jason is voicing over endless clips we've seen countless times, because we have two goddamn hours to fill with about fifteen minutes' worth of new content.
It's Jesse's turn to walk shirtless out onto his balcony in the morning, and his turn to talk about how amazing it is to him as a "skinny white snowboarder" to be here. And, just as with Jason, we watch clips of Jesse that span the season as he rambles on about things that are "awesome," like snuggling with DeAnna, and things that are "ridiculous," like kissing DeAnna for the first time.
Today we are in Newnan, Georgia, where DeAnna is going to introduce the surviving bachelors to her family. Of course, they've been down this road already, with He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named -- oh, sorry, that should be He-Who-Shall-Be-Named-Over-And-Over-Again.
Jason shows up first, carrying flowers and champagne. "He's so sweet and thoughtful!" squeals DeAnna. Hugs and handshakes all around, and DeAnna's dad says Jason's going to be grilled.
And Brad is brought up again, by DeAnna's sister. That must be fun for the new boyfriend! Jason talks about Ty, and in a talking head, DeAnna's dad says he's not sure if DeAnna is ready to move right into a new family.
Chrissy, DeAnna's sister, steals Jason away to have a heart-to-heart chat with Jason, which serves two functions: to find out if he's going to break out DeAnna's heart (she's expecting maybe he'll say that's part of the plan?), and to prove that she can talk about Brad just as much as DeAnna. She peppers Jason with questions about whether he loves DeAnna, can see himself marrying her, etc. It goes on for about five hours. And then it's Dad's turn to have an inane conversation with a man who could be marrying his daughter after knowing her for about four weeks. And it's not the first time! Jason asks permission to marry his daughter, and DeAnna's dad says no one's ever had the guts to ask him that before (totally a shot at Brad). He gives his blessing, and the men hug.
"Jason really impressed me," says DeAnna's dad in a talking head, adding that Jason would fit in really well with the family. In another talking head, Jason says he doesn't know if DeAnna's going to pick him. Well, that's the hallmark of a soul mate, isn't it?
After Jason leaves, DeAnna's family gives Jason the thumbs-up, with DeAnna's dad calling him "gem of a guy." DeAnna's thrilled Jason asked for her dad's blessing, saying she'd be surprised -- and not OK with it -- if Jason didn't ask for it.
Now it's Jesse's turn to run the gauntlet. DeAnna admits that she's nervous about her family meeting Jesse, since he's not her usual type. Thomas, DeAnna's brother, says he could tell Jesse was nervous, what with the sweaty palms and all.
Jesse's had a haircut, but his new 'do still has plenty of fruity potential, as far as DeAnna's family seems to be concerned. "I have long hair normally. I snowboard a lot," Jesse tells the family. I'm sure that explains it all for them. DeAnna's dad asks him about snowboarding, and Jesse sounds about 12-years-old as he stammers on about how much fun snowboarding is. Yeah, but how do you support DeAnna when you're too old to compete, is what DeAnna's dad wants to know. If Jesse has an answer, we don't hear it.
Dad's grilling of Jesse continues on the porch, with threats of violence if the married Jesse and DeAnna don't visit enough. Meanwhile, DeAnna talks to Chrissy about whether she can see herself settling down with him and having kids -- the whole deal (three before she's thirty, remember!).
After Jesse leaves, the family talks about different the two are from each other -- with Dad reluctant to admit he thinks Jason is a better choice; he says he felt Jason's declarations of love were more heartfelt than Jesse's. And then there's this: Jesse didn't ask Dad's permission to marry DeAnna. Dad figures Jesse doesn't know how to ask for what he wants like Jason does, but DeAnna needs to figure out if she and Jesse are in the same place in life.
"I don't know what I'm going to do," says DeAnna. "...when I'm not living my love life on television," is what I assume she means.
Oh, wow. Two hours to fill, huh? Well, what we have is another family visit, with more extended family this time. Jesse's up first this time, and Jesse's dad even jokes about how Jesse's going to have to rehash everything that he said yesterday. Well, if any show knows how to rehash, it's The Bachelorette.
Hey, there's the doorbell! "Oh. Let me get the door," says DeAnna. She sounds so fake that Jesse right off knows it's one of her surprises. It would be a surprise for us too, that Jason is showing up at the same time, if this show hadn't pimped it at every commercial break so far.
The bachelors exchange forced pleasantries and then sit down on either side of her, with each doing their best to toss off jokes that show he loves DeAnna most, and that he is most unwilling to let go of DeAnna's hand. In a talking head, Jason talks about how hard it is to be there and see that DeAnna also has feelings for Jesse. Wait until he watches the entire season, huh? He's going to stick his head in the oven.
Speaking of sticking one's head in the oven, let's watch more awkward questioning by the family!
Well, except when Jason chats with DeAnna's grandparents. Her grandfather advises: "When she asks for something, agree with her. Always agree with your wife." Awesome advice. I'm never more miserable when I don't follow that philosophy, that's for sure. He also makes a joke about not marrying his wife if her father hadn't had that shotgun. DeAnna's yia yia tells Jason she thinks he's the one for DeAnna, and DeAnna's grandfather reminds her that it's DeAnna's choice. "No, Yia Yia has a lot to do with it," she says. Hee!
Meanwhile, Jesse's sitting down for another painful chat with DeAnna's dad, in which he awkwardly talks about how much he loves DeAnna, and then he asks for DeAnna's dad's blessing to ask her to marry him. And instead of saying, "yes," DeAnna's dad says, "Are you ready?" And instead of saying, "yes," Jesse rambles on about his own dad, and sweaty palms and butterflies, and he goes on forever. And then DeAnna's dad takes forever to say that he considers it an honor to be asked, and he just wants to make sure she gets the very best and is treated with the dignity she deserves. And then he gives Jesse his blessing. Jesse exhales in relief and they hug. But there's one condition: "When you have my beautiful daughter with you, you keep the hair short." Jesse agrees to get it cut, if DeAnna's dad goes to a stylist with him.
God, more awkward family visiting. There is some ouzo involved. Then some terrorists take over Newnan city hall and DeAnna is taken hostage for some reason atop the clock tower, and Jesse and Jason must team up to save her, and there are many explosions, and people get shot, and it was not what I was expecting at all from this episode. I was expecting more awkward family talk and lame goodbyes and all that, right? But I've discovered that this show is so much better when you ignore what is actually happening on screen and just make up your own storyline. For example, instead of three hours' worth of DeAnna's cousin and sister talking about how much of a better choice Jason is, imagine an ATV chase through the Georgian backwoods. See? Isn't that better? People get impaled on strategically placed tree branches in my version.
Back to Grand Bahama island now, for some shots of a pensive DeAnna walking along the beach. She says she found out Jeremy wanted to talk to her. She wanted to just run away, but that's something an asshole like Brad would do, and not DeAnna, candidate for sainthood. Is it even worth recapping this? Jeremy says in a talking head that he didn't really have the chance to talk to DeAnna about his feelings for her. Except he had nothing but chances.
And so he stalks her, I mean "shows up at her place," and she hugs him, and he goes on and on about his feelings, and love, and being scared, and other words that no longer have any meaning for me. And DeAnna is quite obviously forcing herself to look like she's anything other than irritated. With her "voice breaking," as the closed-captioning puts it, she talks about how it's "not in her heart," and -- god, she's such a phoney. "I have more than enough respect for you that I'm not going to drag you on any longer. I will not lead you on. I will not drag this out until the last day and promise you something that I cannot keep. And right now I am not in love," she says. You'll never guess, but this "breaks her heart." Can I just ask, what doesn't break her heart? Jeremy thanks her -- for what? One final opportunity to leave all the rest of his dignity behind? I felt for the guy last week. Now I wish he would grow up a little bit -- and they hug and he leaves.
"So she's in love with Jason and Jesse. Wow. I guess I just didn't see it," he says. That might give you a clue that she's not really sure what love is, Jeremy. Turn around, and walk away, and don't look back. Eventually, you'll realize you're better off.
Now DeAnna greets the morning on the balcony. She's not shirtless, though, which I think is a grave miscalculation on this show's part. She hopes she gave Jeremy some "clarity." I hope the only thing she gave Jeremy can be cleared up with a couple shots of penicillin.
So apparently there are still a few days before the final rose ceremony, which means riding in a plane to a secluded island with Jesse, and then he gives her a "book of thoughts" which surprisingly is not BLANK, but offers up junior-high yearbook sentiments like "thanks for taking the time to get to know me" and shit like that. He tells her that he's fallen in love with her, and he wants to share everything with her. "I would do anything to be with her," Jesse tells us in a talking-head. Including, apparently, acting like the biggest wuss on the planet.
As for Jason? Well, they're going scuba-diving. Swimming with sharks! "Sharks and people aren't supposed to hang out together!" he says in a talking head. The show ratchets up the "dramatic" music, as if there's any possibility that these aren't the tamest sharks in the entire friggin' ocean. They sit on the ocean floor while a school? Pod? Flock? Parliament? of sharks swims all around them, failing to eat them. Stupid fucking sharks.
Over dinner, Jason also has a gift for DeAnna, which is a handmade board game called "Eight Roses" that's all about their time together. OK, I have to admit that's pretty damn suave. "The game, you know, it helped me say a few things that I really wanted to say," including things like, "There's not a doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with you." "I melted," admits DeAnna in a talking head. They cuddle and make out, and if DeAnna doesn't wind up picking Jason, it'll be a major surprise. Jason even seems to think so, saying in his heart of hearts, he thinks he'll be engaged to her. Or could this all be edited to make it look like Jason's the front-runner, if only to pull the ol' switcheroo?
And then she goes and spoils it all by saying something stupid like, "I'm in love with two totally different guys."
It's the morning of the apocalypse: the final day. DeAnna says she could spend the rest of her life with either one of these guys. I suppose the producers prefer that to: "If I know at all what love is, then I already know who I want to be with, but I'm pretending to be equally in love with both for the sake of the 'drama.'" She says it's the toughest choice she's ever had to make, but she knows who she's going to pick, and she can only hope he feels the same way about her.
Jason goes ring shopping, picking what he thinks is a "classic yet modern" ring because that would really suit DeAnna's awesomeness, for whatever reason. Jesse looks like he's going to lose his lunch over having to do this. Did he and Jason have to do paper-rock-scissors to see who got first choice? Jesse picks out a ring and manages to not chunder all over the jeweler.
We watch endless shots of the three nimrods getting ready. DeAnna says it's going to be hard to send someone home whom she's falling in love with. "He's going to feel just as I felt the day Brad sent me home," she says. The difference, though, is that Brad is an asshole for doing it, and DeAnna isn't, because ... um ... what's the difference again?
I think at this point the show has entered into a weird dimension in which time has no meaning. It's a Star Trek episode. It's a Twilight Zone episode. It's a cautionary tale, a film that should be required viewing for scofflaws to scare them straight. I literally do not comprehend anything they say anymore. They are saying words that I used to know, but I do not recognize these people. I do not recognize them as people. They are images made up of little colored dots that are grouped together according to some sort of pattern, and -- it must be said -- an aesthetically pleasing pattern at that. But these images don't behave in ways that I think humans generally do. And I don't watch reality shows as a general rule, but I don't understand how one so supposedly intimate doesn't feature angry shots of emotional people yelling for the fucking cameras to be turned off for one second, at a minimum of once per show. It's so unreal. And I wonder how many people are taking this show as advice on how to conduct their romantic lives. And I realize it's a small subset of a small subset of people who actually bother with this show, but this show has the power to actually for-real ruin lives.
Anyway, it's time for the final rose ceremony. FINALLY. DeAnna stands waiting, as Chris Harrison greets the first limousine to arrive. It's Jason. Uh-oh. He's up first? Not a good sign. He tells us in a voiceover that nothing's felt this right before. He says today's the day he's going to be engaged.
He hugs DeAnna, who tells him he looks great, which he credits to his orange tie, which he credits to Ty, because she's a Georgia peach. He gets down on one knee. "No, I can't," she says. Nice of her to wait until after he got down on bended knee, huh?
Well. He stands up. "Just let me talk to you. You have no idea how much I care about you," she says. She uses the words "amazing" and "perfect" but says she's in love with someone else. Jason draws his mouth into a line. "I can't believe this," he says. "I thought you felt it too. What's wrong?" he says. She lies and says she meant everything she ever said to him. But her heart is somewhere else.
"You said that. I heard you say that," says Jason. He looks up to the sky. "I really did fall in love with you," he says. I believe him, actually. They hug, and she blinks back a tear. "I have to walk you out," she says, sniffling as they walk down the path. They hug again at the limousine, and don't say anything.
Jason gets in and rides off, holding the ring. He sighs. "I'm completely shocked," he says, adding, "Why me?" He says he was so ready to be love again. "I was so ready to begin again." He figures she wanted something that he couldn't offer her. He talks about safety and security, and then living on the edge, and then returning to the safety and security, and he thought he had all that. Well, if she thinks she wouldn't be living on the edge with him, she obviously never watched him play golf. "The only for-sure thing I have is my little boy," he says. The camera doesn't leave his face until it gets, if not the outright tears, the moistening eyes it demands.
"Letting Jason go was the hardest thing that I've had to do because I care about him so much." You'll never believe this, but it "breaks her heart."She says she never in a million years thought it would end up this way. She says her connection with Jesse is "so strong" that she can't imagine a life without him. We watch Jesse ride up in the limousine, holding the ring. "Today, I'm ending up with my soul mate."
The limo arrives, and Chris opens the doors for Jesse, who says his stomach's in knots. "She looks amazing. Wow," he adds, when he spots DeAnna standing there waiting. He voices over that he just wants to start his life with her. DeAnna flat out glows as he approaches, and they hug and kiss.
He says that when he began this process, he never thought it was real or that he could fall in love with her. But that's what's happened. "I wanna spend forever with you," he says. He fumbles around in his pocket for the ring, and then gets down on one knee. "DeAnna Marie Pappas, will you spend forever with me?" She says yes, and then it's time for some more tonsil hockey. "I would not be OK if you were not in my life. And I love you. I've waited so long to say that. I love you," she says, and they kiss some more. The words "soul mate" are used. Hey, is there a Natasha Bedingfield song that we can use by that name? Great! Hey, you don't think it will appear obvious that we asked these guys to say "soul mate" as much as possible in order to make the song even more appropriate? Nah.
After the video montage of Jesse and DeAnna together on the show, DeAnna yells, "I cannot believe that I'm going to marry the guy with the pink shoelaces!" And on that anticlimactic note, we're out. No After the Final Rose "special" for me, thanks. Fortunately, there are labor laws that specifically prohibit more than two hours of Bachelor/Bachelorette recapping on any given night.
Thanks for reading. I have been permanently scarred, but thank you. I can't believe I don't have to watch this show anymore. My heart is just breaking right now. Wait, "breaking," that's not right. "About to begin healing." That's