Meet the Meat

S05E01

up for some alone time is Kasey of the indeterminate accent who claims he is from California. He tells her a tragic tale of his father's (now very public) extramarital affair and how much it affected him and Ali is touched by his pain and honesty, but she probably just said that so he would stop talking out of his weirdly non-moving jaw. Then Hunter sings her a song on his ukulele and it is cuteness personified. Well, ukulele cuteness, not kittens and squirrels nuzzling cuteness. Finally it is Shooter's turn. He wants her to know the etymological roots of his nickname. And what is the derivation? He's a premature ejaculator! Or at least was at one time, but swears he's not now! Hahahahahaha! Ali is just enough of a sorority girl (sorority girls are usually at least 40% dude) to think this is the best story she has ever heard. Not that she's going to sleep with him or anything. But she does think he is brave for announcing his propensity for premature ejaculation on the primetime TV when his mom is probably watching. Bravo, Shooter! Then the Weatherman and Fake Dean McDermott make an Ali sandwich poolside, but Fake Dean doesn't get a word in edgewise and as soon as Ali leaves, he quickly makes himself known as The Underminer with a bunch of backhanded and slightly harsh comments to his competitors. But I'm still going to call him Fake Dean. Finally Roberto sweeps Ali away for a last tango in Pasadena before Harrison comes and spoils their evening with all the damn roses.

Harrison sets down his magical "First Impression" rose while Roberto is sweet talking Ali out on the patio. While Roberto plays a hot Latin on TV, in actuality he is an insurance agent from Charleston via Tampa. He moves in for a few dance moves and then Ali switches dance partners. Chris from Cape Cod offers her his coat. Ali is a full-on jacket slut, which I hope bodes well for future episodes. During their alone time, Chris doesn't play the dead mommy card, which actually makes me like him more. up is weirdo mountain man Kyle who can't make eye contact, but offers Ali a gold-plated fishhook. Ali nods politely and then goes to pull Rated R off the injured list and makes him hop outside for some quality time together. He promises to get all "Rated R" on anyone who interrupts their one-on-one time, but sadly, he doesn't. Instead, after their chat he hobbles inside and gets harassed by the guys. Obviously Fake Dean is the ringleader because that is what Fake Dean does: Ring lead. Well, that and stalk Tori Spelling and Tori Spelling look-alikes. Then some guy named Craig R. gets very paternalistic and warns Ali to be careful because some people aren't here for the right reasons, which is super obnoxious, but must be even MORE obnoxious to Ali who has been through this before and not just been doing it for ten minutes. Then he gives her a keychain with a sneaker on it and Ali is a much better actress than me, because it almost seems like she likes it, even though it is ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE that she likes it because it is a KEYCHAIN with a SNEAKER on it. Like what the fuck, Craig R.? It's not romantic, it's not cute, it's not funny, it's not memorable. IT'S A KEYCHAIN WITH A SNEAKER. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE: He has TWO keychains with sneakers on them and if you put them side by side they make a PAIR OF KEYCHAINS. Zomg! Dying! Ali claims she appreciates his paternalistic tone and his warnings of false bachelors and the fucking keychain. I call bullshit. Or head injury.