Chris Harrison explains the rules -- again -- to the guys, who all have to pretend that they're interested in anything other than who's moving from the "outhouse" to Middlesex this time out. It's Paul, Graham and Jeremy, for receiving their roses last week. Richard's feeling really left out. Since he's specifically mentioned, that can only mean he's going to be up for a solo date later.
The chosen three stroll up to Middlesex, where DeAnna's lounging around in a bikini top, who says in a talking-head that she picked Jeremy because of their connection, she says she wants to get to know Paul better, and she thinks Graham is hot. "I want him to spend the rest of the time in my house without his shirt on," she says, because that's the best way to find a husband. Hold on -- throwing footballs at guys who try to catch them as they jump into the pool, that's the best way to find a husband.
Back at the outhouse, the other guys speculate as to what DeAnna and her three chosen ones are doing. Jason offers the amazing insight that living in the outhouse is a "huge disadvantage," while Robert crabs about Jeremy's going to be up there pulling his "white on rice" routine. I suppose if Robert were up there he'd be avoiding DeAnna and acting like he doesn't give a shit. "Jeremy's rubbed me the wrong way ever since we got here. He tries too hard, and that's not real," he says in a talking-head, when he actually means, "DeAnna likes him more, so that means he's somehow 'cheating' at this reality show." Meanwhile, DeAnna and her men smear sunscreen on each other, before she sends the guys down for the solemn reading of a date card, which is for Richard: "Join me for rooftop romance in the City of Angels. Love, Deanna." "Time to go big or go home, I guess," he tells the guys. In a talking-head, he says, "You can't help but think, here it is. Put up or shut up time." Why do so few guys just choose the "shut up" option?
DeAnna says Richard is so funny, so easy to get along with. She totters down to the guest house in a black dress and heels. "It's like she has a closet full of perfection," says the snowboarder, which is probably the only time that sentence has ever been uttered in the entire history of the English language.
Rooftop of landmark building for dinner. "If you've ever been to L.A., this is the best view," she tells Richard, and in a talking-head, he makes the predictable comment about DeAnna being a great view, and he seems to mean it genuinely (i.e. not about her breasts).
Over dinner, she asks what the most romantic thing is he's ever done for a girl. He talks about packing up a picnic basket and hanging out by Lake Ontario. Very awkward small talk ensues, about shooting stars, and how it's mostly space junk, and tumbleweeds start rolling by.
Meanwhile, back at the guest house, the guys are speculating about Richard's chances of coming home with a rose, which Jesse pins at about ninety-five percent.
Group date time! Brian, Shawn, Jesse, Graham, Fred, Robert, Twilley, Ron, Paul and Jeremy are the victims -- I mean, "lucky guys." "Get along, city slickers. It's time to leave L.A. behind," read the cards. All the guys start high-fiving each other as if they know what the hell that means. In a talking-head, Jason notes that he's the only one not on the list, so he's finally going to be able to tell DeAnna about his son. Which is kind of disingenuous in that he's had opportunity before; he just hasn't used it.
Meanwhile, back at dinner, DeAnna and Richard make mind-numbingly boring small talk about working jobs for happiness versus money. "This is probably the most romantic date I've ever been on," Richard says in a talking-head. Things take kind of a turn, though, when he admits to DeAnna that he's never brought a girlfriend home, and that he usually keeps relationships secret from his parents. Red flag! "I'm very close, extremely close to my family," he explains. Well, "explains" isn't exactly the right word for it. "The clock is ticking, and I have to make a decision," says DeAnna, in one of those weird after-the-fact talking heads where she already knows what happened but is pretending like this is happening in real time or something.
Date going well. Body language. Richard's working on the 80-20 rule; he's going to lean in eight percent of the way, and see if she comes in the other twenty percent. Or, he gets eighty percent creepier with the staring and the romance talk, while DeAnna seems to become about twenty percent as interested.
"I could tell that Richard was really falling for me," says DeAnna, which isn't conceited or anything, and then she takes Richard outside for some kind of electric carriage horror-show ride, because if she doesn't get all horny for him there, then it's not going to happen for them, she says, although not exactly in those words. The dramatic music starts up "And that's when I knew," she says.
She asks the carriage driver to pull over. His face goes kind of flat. "I came here tonight with this rose, and I can't give it to you." She fakes crying and tells him that it's breaking her heart not to give it to him, but she has to make the right decision. She hugs him. "I need to let you go right here," she says. "I understand," he says. This is like a scene out of Goodfellas. Morrie's about to get his neck cut! He wishes her luck, and then he's kicked off into the taxi that's conveniently right there. DeAnna voices over some nonsense about how hard it was, or whatever. "I can't make the same mistake that Brad did," she says. Brad's mistake was going on this show in the first place, so it's too late for that.
Meanwhile, back at the outhouse, the men are shocked to see Richard's bags heading out the door. "See whose bags are disappearing out the fucking door?" says someone, I think Jesse.
"Part of you feels like a fool for feeling as much as you did," says Richard. "Part of you is destroyed." Then he needs to be bleeped. "I just was too much a friend, I guess." Which is what women tend to say they want, without adding, "but also really cut."
We see a long, lingering shot of DeAnna riding alone in the carriage, staring forlornly at the rose in her lap. She's really going for the "phoniest person on television" title, isn't she?
The guys open the date box, and it's full of cowboy boots and hats and "The guys are all pumped up and excited to go, and I was jealous," says Jason. "We got the big box full of fun clothes," says Brian. Jesse talking-heads that Jeremy is going to be the biggest competition, since he hasn't had to come down to the outhouse.
"Don't y'all look nice!" squeals DeAnna as the men arrive at some tourist trappy farm. Someone actually yells, "Git 'r done!" which ought to be grounds for elimination right there. "I'm looking forward to getting wild!" says DeAnna!
Oh, god, they're line-dancing. Nothing is more cowboy then standing in a line with a bunch of other dudes who are all doing the same dance moves you are! DeAnna really does know how to get wild! The only way this could be worse would be if the show started playing some cheesy banjo music -- oh, there we go.
Back at the outhouse, Jason's on the phone with his son. "I sacrificed the biggest thing in my life for love," says Jason, wondering if his son (who I'm starting to think might be named Colossal Bummer, the way he keeps getting talked about).
So the non-cowboy "cowboy" thing they're going to do is ride a mechanical bull surrounded by a crash pad the size of a tennis court. The guys get bucked off very quickly. "The guys looked bad-ass," says DeAnna, but I think she means "they kept falling on their ass." Then she says she decided to play a little trick on the guys, which consists of her falling off the mechanical bull and pretending to be hurt. She's a terrible actress, though, and I guarantee every single one of the guys who came to her aid were thinking, "Are you serious? Suck it up, princess. "Jesse was the first to the rescue," she says, and his reward is getting some one-on-one time. I don't think "reward" means what DeAnna thinks it means.
So she has a dingbat conversation with Jesse about past relationships, and Jesse says his last girlfriend didn't have an identity, and he wants a girlfriend who is her own person. Sounds like DeAnna's your girl, because nothing says "strong self-identity" like someone who's on her second round of I Need A Husband. Jessee says he doesn't want an armdog. He wants it to be OK to fart in bed. "Everybody farts, everybody poops." God, remember that great song by R.E.M., "Everybody Farts"? With that awesome video where traffic stops? "I want DeAnna to see me as the genuine guy that I am," says Jesse. Well, "everybody farts, everybody poops" ought to cover it, I should think.
Numbnuts (a.k.a. Twilley) leads the gang in a song around the campfire. DeAnna says she didn't think it was fair that Ron confronted Jeremy about getting to stay in the house, since it was her decision, not his. Ron says some shit about being a "guy's guy" and "iron sharpens iron," completely ignoring what she's saying. She tries again and tells him that Jeremy is here for the right reasons. Ron says what's going on is between him and Jeremy. "And it really doesn't matter, your process," he says. Wow. From now on, I think I'll just call Ron "Asshole." That cool with everybody? "He rubs a lot of us the wrong way," he says in a talking-head. See, he can't even speak for himself. He's got to pretend that he speaks for the group.
Back at the campfire, Ron explains, under prodding from the guys, what he and DeAnna talked about. More excuse for him to dump on Jeremy, and he explains -- again -- how he's a guy's guy but Jeremy is not. "I do think that you lack something, brother," says Asshole. "There's a level of tact that's missing." Everybody just sits and listens. Nobody says anything, and Asshole continues: "I really, really believe that this is not a judgment on you." Which is an absolutely ridiculous statement to make, and Jeremy calls him on it, saying he felt Asshole was sincere until that last statement: "You're trying to B.S. all of us," says Jeremy, so Asshole smugly asks the group if anyone thinks he's B.S.ing them. "I think the only person that's close-minded is you," says Jeremy, and Ron's all, "Wow, we all heard that!" like Jeremy just accused Ron of being a child-molester. In a talking head, Jeremy says he's here for DeAnna, and not to get into a pissing contest with Ron. Which is kind of too bad, because I'm at the point where a pissing contest would be infinitely more entertaining.
Jeremy now gets some one-on-one time with her, and he talks about the Asshole problem. "You're not mad that I said something about it to him, are you?" she asks him, and he says no, and blah blah blah.
Meanwhile, back at the fire, the other guys are obsessing over Jeremy again. Robert says it would be awful if Jeremy got the rose tonight. "It would be a very hard blow for all of us," he says.
Meanwhile, Graham and Fred are sneaking off for some one-on-one time with DeAnna, which they claim not to have had yet. Uh, didn't Graham get a whole date with her? They sneak up on DeAnna and Jeremy. I'd really like to know what the guys would think if Jeremy had done this, you know? So they chat about a whole lot of nothing. Most of the conversations seem to be about conversations, you know? Stuff like, "I just felt like we haven't had some one-on-one time, and I think it's important to have one-on-one time. So that's what I'm doing, saying let's chat. OK, that was a great conversation. I just wanted you to know that it's important to me that we talk." These people are idiots.
"I got back to the campfire, and I could tell the mood was tense," says DeAnna, and then Robert gets his precious one-on-one time, and he snivels some nonsense about chemistry. I can't even process what they say to each other anymore. That's how boring it is. They might as well be speaking Russian for all I understand this conversation. Robert's like a lonely dog whose tail is wagging because he got his head scratched.
And then because Robert was a great sniveling crybaby, DeAnna winds up giving him the rose, because he let her know how he feels about her. Then they all sing "Home on the Range," and thank god we go to commercial.
The day, the date box is there for Jason. "Let's reach for the stars," reads DeAnna's note. The other guys grill him on when he's going to bring up his kid, and he says he wants it to occur naturally. He also asks what Jesse thinks, because Jesse has become some sort of accepted devil's advocate about these things. Fifty percent of her is going to love it, and fifty percent isn't, says Jesse, who certainly loves his percentages. Keep in mind, though, that Jesse confidently predicted a ninety.
DeAnna says since Richard didn't get a rose, Jason must be feeling an awful lot of pressure. She heads down towards the outhouse, and sits down for a moment so the other guys can hang around and be dorks for her benefit, and she just cryptically says they're just waiting for the ride. Eventually, we hear the sound of a helicopter. "I think our ride's here," she says. They head up to Middlesex, where the chopper lands in the courtyard. "I could not even believe it. I've always wanted to go up in a helicopter," says Jason.
They leave and fly over the trees and then over L.A. They hold hands. DeAnna proclaims it romantic, which I hope means neither of them got airsick and chundered. Although if I ever go up a helicopter and barf, I will do everything in my power to make sure I do it out the window. "I think there's a ton of chemistry and physical attraction," says Jason. No one's denying DeAnna's hot, Jason. I'm just starting to wonder how well any of these guys can possibly know her, since one has said the words "self-centered" yet. Still, he's thrilled about the helicopter ride. "It's the best surprise I ever got," says Jason, who, remember, has a son.
They fly to an observatory. "I really don't have anything that I don't like about Jason yet. I guess tonight will tell," says DeAnna. Wow, isn't it amazing that she says something so apropos, when Jason has a big secret to tell her? I guess the producers wisely opted not to have her say, "One of the things I like about Jason is how he's totally told me about all the members of his family already."
Back at the outhouse, the guys discuss Jason's bombshell. Sean and his mullet say he's had several girlfriends with kids, and it's not a big deal. Twilley figures it might not be a main factor, but could be a tiebreaker-type thing. Like if she likes two guys equally, doesn't she go for the guy without a kid?
Back at the observatory, Jason and DeAnna head inside for a fireside dinner in the observatory's library. She asks what he likes to eat, and he says the big, fat cheeseburgers his mom makes. "You miss your family?' she asks him. "Um, it's funny you ask that," he says, gallantly not drawing attention to the cue card off-screen that says ASK HIM ABOUT HIS FAMILY. He says there's one thing she doesn't know about him. "The most important thing in my world is my three-year-old son," he says. "Oh, wow," says DeAnna brightly. You know, not that "whaaaaa?" face that the promos kept pretending was her reaction. She encourages him to talk about Ty, and Jason relaxes, and then eventually pulls out some pictures for her to coo over. In fact, DeAnna seems more surprised to learn that Jason was married before, but doesn't think that's a big deal either. "We're all here because things happened," she says, which is totally an oblique reference to Brad.
DeAnna then talks about her mom dying of cancer, and watching her die. It's more genuine than anything on this show ever, and makes all the rest of it seem even more like bullshit, so I'm not going to make fun of it. "She may be passed away, but she's still a big part of my life," she says, adding that she's never dated a guy who's cared to know anything about her mother. So you date arseholes, is what you're saying.
And so, because the two of them opened up to each other and are now all bonded, she gives him a rose, and then the roof opens up so they can look at the stars. "It was literally something you'd only see in a movie," says Jason. What, stars? What the hell or you talking about? Then, to prove they're looking at the stars, we look at still photographs of stars. I swear to god. He asks if it would be inappropriate to kiss her, and she says no. So they do.
Isn't two hours up yet?
The day, DeAnna says, "I'm taking them to meet someone very special to me," says DeAnna. Is it Brad? I bet it's Brad.
Oh, "surprise!" They're going to Ellen Degeneres's show, because DeAnna wants Ellen's opinion on them. Fred in particular seems amazed to be there. Which is weird, because being from Chicago, he can go see Springer any time he wants. Ellen and DeAnna chat, and then the guys come out, and Ellen politely pretends that she cares if DeAnna gets married, after having watched her on The Bachelor. "I watched you get screwed, basically ... or not," she jokes. Oh, I bet it was the former, Ellen. She asks the guys what they like about her, and who kissed her, and how the guys feel about someone else kissing her, what the longest relationship any of them have had was, et cetera. Then there might have been a dance-off, but I could have been hallucinating, because that couldn't have been dumber.
"What you don't know, is that I'm giving the rose today," says Ellen, who sends the guys away so she can look over DeAnna's sorry choices. She suggest going "eenie meenie miney moe," which I guarantee would work just as well as anything DeAnna has planned. Apparently Fred opened up, which either we didn't see or I blocked it out. "Graham is scared to death," points out Ellen. "I know. I don't know how to make that stop," says DeAnna, who up till now has not said anything about Graham being scared to death. "Ellen put a lot of things in perspective for me," she says. Ellen points at one guy, whom we don't see, and says, "I don't see him lasting too long."
She calls the guys back out, and says they need to see what they look like in Ellen boxers. So they all drop their pants for some "wacky hijinks" because they all have on "Ellen boxers." And now it's time for the rose -- she's got a CD player with the crappy rose ceremony music playing, which actually cracked me up. Eventually, Fred gets the rose, which he calls a "huge shock." "I like the way you've opened up. Keep it that way," orders DeAnna, who tells us again how awesome Ellen is. Why is Ellen awesome? Well, because DeAnna thinks that DeAnna's impending nuptials are important to Ellen. "Don't get hurt again," says Ellen, looking like she has other places to be.
Is Graham growing a playoff beard? He talks about needing to step up or open up, or whatever.
Let the cocktail party begin! There must be only a few minutes left -- HALF AN HOUR? GODDAMMIT. DeAnna takes Asshole aside for some one-on-one time. He begins by saying that when he woke up that morning he wasn't sure if DeAnna was the girl for him. But for some reason or another, he "got a case of the DeAnnas," he says. "I'm really engaged in the process," he says. Wow, it's like poetry! She asks him to tell him something fun about him. He can't think of anything, and so eventually says, "Everything about me is fun," which should have been "Everything about me is fake."
And then, in a pretty ballsy fuck-you move, Jeremy strolls over to steal her away. I hope Asshole watched this and noted how DeAnna quietly said "thank you" to Jeremy. The other guys, having pressed their noses up to the door to watch Asshole give Jeremy the look of death, ask him what happened. He responds with a bunch of nonsense: he says cream rises to the top, where there's smoke there's fire. "You can use whatever analogy you want. It takes care of itself," he says, none of which makes any sense at all. I have no idea what Asshole is on about. "Unless Jesus himself comes down and smacks him on the head and makes it right, he's not going to change." God, please don't let Jesus make a cameo. "week: It's the most sacreligious episode ever!"
Anyway, now Jeremy is asking if she'd be okay living in Dallas if they wind up together. Jeremy, look carefully. You have eggs. Not chickens. Count them accordingly. "I want you to know I'm here as long as you keep me here," he says. Woo! Way to demonstrate KNOWLEDGE OF THE RULES, Jeremy. They kiss.
After he returns to the group, the other guys ask Jeremy about the one-on-one time, which he says went well, and yeah, they kissed. So Graham takes over some one-on-one time, which DeAnna's excited about, because she now knows, thanks to Ellen, all of Graham's flaws. Essentially. So they say a bunch of things that I don't understand, about caring and feeling and loving and growing or whatever. She knows what he's going through, and needs him to talk to her about it. She says there's an "undeniable connection" between the two of them, but she can't marry someone she doesn't know. "I wanted Graham to open up tonight," she says, adding that he did that. Talking about opening up really isn't the same as opening up, you know?
up: DeAnna spirits Jason away outside, because she's got something for him, because she appreciates his honesty. Because it's lovely to continue to treat the existence of a child as something that requires a confession. "I had a star named after Tyler," she says, and he unrolls a certificate that says so. Aw. Well, that is kind of sweet. "That is one of the nicest things anyone's ever given me," he says. He genuinely seems floored, if not overly emotionally so. She says she wanted him to know that she's OK with it all. He kisses her and thanks her.
Chris Harrison comes in to harsh everyone's mellow, and takes DeAnna away to help her make her decision. You know what that means: postcard sentiments over the top of soft-focus scenes of DeAnna interacting with all these dingbats. Life's too short to recap this time-filling nonsense, although it's worth noting that she isn't sure if Asshole means the things he says or he's just saying the things he thinks she wants to hear. I'm not sure she actually knows the difference, to be honest with you. She stares at the pictures and says she knows that she has to send home the guys that she doesn't "see forever" with, and that's very hard to do.
Rose ceremony! She thanks the guys for putting their lives on hold for her or whatever. And here's who stays: Twilley. Jesse. Jeremy (Asshole cocks an eyebrow). Brian. Graham. Final rose goes to Sean, who lets his breath out in relief. Did he get a haircut? He looks a little more like modern-day Kurt Russell as opposed to Tango & Cash-era Kurt Russell. Paul looks like he doesn't even know where he is. Asshole looks like his usual angry self.
Paul says he came on the journey to find true love, and he decided to put his heart on his sleeve, because that's the only way it can be genuine and true. He says he's confused: was it him or was she just looking for something different? Isn't that the same thing? Meanwhile, Asshole is in smug self-denial. "I don't feel rejected, I don't feel like I lost," says Asshole. "Sometimes the tree gets knocked down before it bears its fruit," he says. What the hell tree is that? "I didn't get rejected. She just chose other guys." It probably makes sense to him. I hope it makes sense to someone.
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