Chris Harrison awaits the arrival of the bachelors' limousine at Deanna's mansion, which we'll call Middlesex. He outlines the rules about dates -- dudes on individual dates need to earn roses to stay. Then there's the matter of the accommodations -- three guys will be living up in the mansion with DeAnna, and the first three so honoured are Jeremy, Jesse and Richard, who were the guys who won first impression roses last week. In fact, Deanna's waiting for you inside, so move on in, says Chris. In a talking head, Ron talks about how hard that was, and gripes that the first impression roses actually meant something.
"Welcome home!" chirps DeAnna as the three guys stroll in, and she hugs them, and in a talking head says she truly feels this is the best way to get to know someone. Prostituting yourself on a reality show? OK. Lots of contrasting shots between the mansion and the guesthouse (which isn't exactly a hovel). Although it's a little odd that the guesthouse shower is outside, with no door and no curtain. Meanwhile, DeAnna toasts her three dudes, who later on stroll down the walk to the guest house to the jeers of the other guys.
The Chosen Three are there because they all have to read the date cards together. Jesse says Jason, Ryan, Twilley, Sean, Paul, Fred and Richard are going on a group date. The card says, "Do you believe in magic?" Jason, in a talking head, crows about it's great to be on the first date with DeAnna tonight. "It's a huge advantage," he says, although I'd like him to explain how much of an advantage it can be when almost half the competitors are getting it.
DeAnna says goodbye to her chosen three, and says in a talking head that this is her first date since Brad. If only this show would CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT BRAD, I would have some idea who he was. If somebody knows who this Brad is, could they put together a three-minute clip package to be played at the beginning of every episode? Thanks.
So the Group of Seven plus DeAnna heads to the Magic Castle, which is a private magician's club, where they get a private performance from a magician who turns a wand into handkerchiefs, and then into a dove, which he gives to Jason, joking about giving him the bird. "That might be the only date you have tonight," he says, clearly forgetting about the Palm sisters. He makes DeAnna his assistant, and then asks her to pick another helper. She picks Jason, and the magician puts the two of them in a big box before disappearing the two of them. Silence from the rest of the bachelors as they realize that DeAnna is gone.
We don't see the trap door or anything; we just see Jason and DeAnna step into another room. "Where are we?" says DeAnna in wonderment. You'd think they just stepped into Narnia or something. The two of them sit down for some amazingly awkward small talk. They talk about Seattle; DeAnna's heard it rains a lot. Hopefully Jason has some banal observations about where DeAnna's from two? Then they talk about eating, which somehow leads to DeAnna admitting that she could drink salsa from a bowl. They manage to talk about everything, in fact, except for the thing Jason says is most important to him -- his son. Meanwhile, the other bachelors discuss how confident they are that Jason's not going to try to maul her or anything.
Back at the guesthouse, the guys read another date card: "Graham, let's head to the shore to get swept away. Love, DeAnna." Graham admits in a talking head that he felt there was jealousy because he got the one-on-one date, but is thrilled. Too bad he doesn't realize that a one-on-one date is not as much of an advantage as going on a big group, according to Jason.
DeAnna asks Sean and his mullet if they want to talk, and they sneak off into a smaller room, and he talks about martial arts, and how hard it is on relationships with him trying to start a business or whatever, but he can't talk very much, because a nearby "haunted" piano keeps playing while he tries to talk. This frustrates him, because he can't get a word in edgewise, and apparently makes him sweat like Patrick Ewing. He says if it weren't for the piano, he just KNOWS he and his mullet would have gotten a rose.
Meanwhile, another magician is doing card tricks. DeAnna, who somehow made it back from the enchanted world of the inside of the magic box, picks one, which turns out to be emblazoned with a heart. Richard calls it a "snap back to reality," as a reminder of what they're all here for. But it was a picture of a rose, not boobs, so I don't know what he's on about. Then the guys do magic tricks -- card trick from Ryan, card trick from Richard, Sean and his mullet to some weird finger-snapping thing -- but in lieu of a card trick, Twilley puts on a one-man show called "Long and Boring Rendition of a Greek Myth" which features the ever popular several-dissolves-to-show-passage-of time technique, like the goddamn two-hours-AGAIN Bachelorette has any right to hold someone up to ridicule for going on too long. In a talking head, Ryan sniffs that Twilley might not be after DeAnna's heart but would rather just be a comedian.
Richard snags some one-on-one time and makes her a paper flower, which she thinks is sweet, although she mockingly chides him for making it for another girl before her. "I'm not the first?" she asks. "You're the best," he assures. Pretty smooth for a high school science teacher.
Meanwhile, it's a total sausage party over in the other room, with the guys grumbling about how the party fades when DeAnna's not around. And then as if to prove how much this party sucks, we listen in on the boring small talk. It livens up somewhat when Ryan calls Twilley out, saying he's not in it for DeAnna's heart. "You seem like the least genuine of fifteen guys here," says Ryan, who needs to look in a freakin' mirror.
Instead, he gets some one-on-one time with DeAnna, and talks about how awesome he is for not cussing. What a tool. "My faith can be overwhelming to some," he says in a talking head. But it's not your faith that makes you a douchebag, guy. It's your douchebaggery. He also says that he's now confident DeAnna knows him better than anyone in the house. "I will get a rose tonight," he boasts. (In a later talking head, he appends: "If I don't get a rose tonight, I won't get one at all.")
DeAnna gets tag-team stolen by Fred and Paul, who talk about how awesome she is for getting back on The Bachelorette after what happened to her last time (she agrees she's awesome for doing so). Paul in particular talks with her along the whole "where do you see yourself in five years" and he's only twenty-three but is ready for marriage and kids and the whole bit. You're ready for marriage? What a coincidence! So is the bachelorette? Whatever bullshit he laid on her seems to work, as he's the one who gets the rose at the end of the group date.
Back at the guesthouse, Paul heads for the outdoor shower to hose himself down, and the other guys check him out without trying to be too obvious about it.
Meanwhile, Graham gets ready for his solo date, which includes packing his suitcase in case he winds up going home. DeAnna shows up and they drive off, flirting in the car. "Graham is unbelievably smoking hot," she informs us in a talking head. The date is a beach date that features the two of them trying to figure out how to fly a kite. They laugh and run in the sand, looking like a magazine cigarette ad, but don't succeed at all in getting the kite to fly.
Back at the guesthouse, the date box is out again. Chris, Robert, Brian, Jesse, Ron, Jeremy and Eric are going on a group grope. "A diamond is a girl's best friend. Step up to the plate," says the card. It's a baseball date, which prompts much hooting and hollering and high-fiving and gay things guys do to prove how not-gay they are.
Back on the beach, DeAnna -- in a surprise move -- wants to talk about past relationships. Graham admits he just recently got out of a relationship, which didn't last very long, but was really the only serious relationship he's had. DeAnna of course references Brad again, which from now is grounds for immediate fast-forwarding. I mean, half of this scene is just the two of them sitting there silently. Later, it's more awkward small talk on the beach, this time in front of a campfire. In a talking head, DeAnna says Brad "didn't know what he wanted. That was his problem." OK, I'm invoking my new Brad rule. Fast-forward! It's all boring inane blather about love anyway. They also snuggle a little bit.
Meanwhile back with the bachelors, all the talk about sex is making Ryan the happy virgin uncomfortable. And he reveals to the group that he's a virgin, and the guys do that reaction, that "surprised-reaction-quickly-suppressed-in-favour-of-manly-respect" thing. It helps that Ryan doesn't seem as smug and holier-than-thou about it as he usually does in his talking-heads, with his talk about "values."
Oh, god. Okay, so back at the beach, DeAnna is forcing Graham to endure this god-awful lecture about how she at first she was positive he was going to get the rose at the end of the date, but then she started to think that he just wanted to be in love with anyone, not necessarily her, but now that she thinks he may be falling for her, she can now give him this rose and they can go stick their tongues down each other's throats.
Back at the guesthouse, Twilley has a heart-to-heart with Jason about how he's worried that DeAnna might be thinking some of the things Ryan was thinking, about how Twilley is just a clown. Jason encourages Twilley to talk to her about it, and show her the other side of Twilley. Yes, Jason -- with the heretofore-unmentioned three-year-old -- is all about being totally honest with DeAnna.
What this means is Twilley is stalking DeAnna -- I mean, waiting for DeAnna, when she and Graham arrive back from the date. After Graham and DeAnna kiss and canoodle, Twilley sits down with her and blathers on about how there's another side of him. We watch DeAnna's eyes glaze over, while over at the guesthouse Graham warns the other guys about how they're in for some serious interrogation. The other guys are more interested in ribbing Graham for being the first one to get a kiss. "She is a good kisser," Graham is only too happy to admit.
So the baseball date is at Dodger Stadium, which has all the men squealing, and for once it seems genuine. The gang heads out onto the field, where DeAnna has another surprise for them. Tommy Lasorda strolls out onto the field, carrying some laundry. "Look at this group," he says, and you can clearly see him thinking, "I'm getting paid cash for this, right?" The laundry he's carrying turns out to be Dodgers jerseys for all the guys with their names on the back, as if this group date wasn't already infinitely cooler than the magic show date. Lasorda cracks that it's a tough decision for DeAnna as there's not a good-looking guy in the bunch. Then he gives them a canned managerial speech about how they each have to believe that they can do it. "The pep talk was about the guys winning me over!" squeals DeAnna, who I'm starting to learn prefers things that are all about her.
up is the butchering of The Star-Spangled Banner that has been teased before every commercial break, robbing it of the little amusement it did have. up: homerun derby! They'll get ten swings, and whoever hits the most home runs gets one-on-one time with DeAnna. "Home run" is stretching it a bit though, as a makeshift fence has been placed across the middle of the outfield. Ron's up first, and after fouling off a few, manages to hit a "home run." In a talking-head, he says the contest awakened a competitiveness he hadn't felt since he got here. Even though it's already a competition? He hits two. Eric doesn't hit any. Robert can't even make contact, which completely pisses off Lasorda, who swears at him. Brian fares better, hitting two. Jesse hits one. Jeremy says he was nervous, having not swung a bat in a while, but he gets a homerun in early, and anyone who's played know that once you get in a groove, you can knock them out there all day; he finishes with an impressive six, including one that was almost approaching the warning track (although, admittedly, he's not exactly facing Rivera in the ninth). Before Chris goes up, we hear in a talking head that he played baseball in the minor leagues. After watching him whiffing, we learn he was a pitcher. D'oh!
So Jeremy heads off to a dugout with DeAnna so they can have a not-at-all-completely-set-up chat about how close Jeremy was to his mom, who died. I mean, when DeAnna's reminding him about how earlier he had said he was close to his mom, and asking him for more details, it seems kinda torqued, you know? Anyway, he talks about how he got his compassion and respect from her. Instead of listening to this, DeAnna's all, "Well, what about your dad?" And ... Jeremy's dad died, too. "I feel bad for even asking," says DeAnna after "discovering" that Jeremy's parents are dead. God, this show. So, anyway, now they have something of a bond, because don't forget DeAnna's mom died when she was 12 (yet getting rejected by Brad was the worst day of her life, remember?).
Later on, everyone has lunch on the field -- hot dogs and wine -- while the guys all rave about the date. And then ... Eric is alone chatting with DeAnna? Wasn't the point of the contest that the winner got some alone time? "All of my conversations with Eric seem to be the same," DeAnna complains in a talking head. All they talk about is Greek culture! she whines, and by "Greek culture" she means "not me." The clips of the conversation do seem to reflect a theme, though. I mean, did he really have to, after mentioning his brother, point out that his brother is Greek as well? And now Brian is another home run derby non-winner getting alone time with DeAnna, who asks him if he has any bad habits, and he says he's made mistakes, but has learned from them. And they talk about figuring things out, and maturing, and how marriage is important, and blah blah blah.
Back at the guest house, Jason's on the phone with his son Ty, and admitting that he can't hold it in anymore, and just has to go tell people about his son. Or something. So he reveals to the other guys that he has a three-year-old, and that he hasn't been trying to hide it or anything (even though that's exactly what he's been doing) and it's important to be honest and blah blah blah, while the other guys offer encouragement and try to pretend they care that this is such a big deal. In a talking head, Ryan looks all severe as he says he was surprised, and Jason definitely needs to tell DeAnna, as it's something she needs to know. This talk of honesty is really inspiring, and will lead Jason to -- not tell DeAnna, not this episode, anyway.
Back at Dodger Stadium, Tommy tells DeAnna that it's a good group of guys she has here, and she needs to look into a crystal ball to see what they're going to be like down the road if they're married. She says something in a talking-head, but to be honest with you, I always get confused on reality shows when talking-heads come from the same person in four or five different outfits, completely screwing with timelines. Anyway, Jeremy gets the rose. Was there any doubt? She walks him down the stadium steps into some room where she talks about how they have so much in common.
Meanwhile, the entire inane conversation is being broadcast over the JumboTron. "Don't do it, DeAnna!" yells Robert. Ron says in a talking-head that it's a little concerning that Jeremy's already on his second individual rose.
And then later it's dark and there are fireworks, and Robert says the fireworks were nice, but the fact Jeremy is wearing a rose brought it down a little.
Back at Middlesex, DeAnna strolls down the stairs for another cocktail party. Her three houseguests are soon joined by the guys from the guesthouse, so we can begin everybody's favorite reality-show tradition: getting the knives out for the front-runner who isn't doing anything the other competitors aren't doing -- he's just doing it better. Ron bitches that when the guesthouse bachelors showed up, Jeremy greeted them with "Welcome to our home!" Ron needs to take himself a little less seriously, I think. Twilley didn't like it either: "I think he needs to be brought down." I can't even stand this shit. Ron even goes so far as to ask DeAnna if she shouldn't be spreading out the roses a little more, and she says something about Jeremy opening up.
Twilley comes up to steal her for some alone time (which is only okay to do if you're not the perceived front-runner, right?). He talks a lot of nonsense that is just as inane as when he creepily waited for her to bet back at the end of her date with Graham.
Ron is harping on the guys who are staying at the house with DeAnna, because if it's about getting to know guys, then the three dudes should be sent down and three new guys go up to the house. Isn't that how it's going to work? Ron should relax, and also not be as much of an asshole. In a talking head, Jeremy's aware of the competitiveness, but feelings are going to get hurt, and that's not his problem. My god, it's awful! It's like he actually wants to win! He steals DeAnna away from Twilley, which prompts much tongue-clucking from the other guys. The other thing I don't understand, and this goes for The Bachelor, too: why does the bachelorette or the bachelor get a pass for allowing themselves to be "stolen"? Why can't DeAnna say, "Let me finish with Twilley, and then I'll come talk to you"? This show is the worst. Thank god Richard has the sense to point out that at some point they're going to have to stop being so buddy-buddy with each other. "Some people are going to do it earlier than others," he says. I don't think he convinced anyone.
Outside, Jeremy and DeAnna do their best to destroy my soul with clichés and unearned sentiment. And then they make out for a little while, and then she says she has to rejoin the party.
So Jeremy walks over to the table where the other guys are still complaining about him. Jeremy wants to know what the guys think DeAnna wants from a guy, and then Robert is all, "You're getting all the one-on-one time, so you tell us!" Ron goes off on him. "You don't have to be a [bleep]," says Mr. Always-Smiling, Never-Using-Profanity Ryan, who goes off again about Jeremy not being real. DeAnna comes in while Jeremy stares down Ryan, and all the guys paste on smiles, and Ron takes the chance to get some one-on-one time. Careful! Don't want to get too competitive!
He tells her he thinks his divorce bothers her, and she admits she's never dated a divorced dude before, but it doesn't bother her. Then she jokes that she's surprised he's being all serious with her, when she thought he was going to make a nice light comment, and then he does a complete 180 and tries -- too late -- to show what a happy-fun guy he is. He talks about how he's looking forward to having a "herd" of kids, but when DeAnna looks terrified, he downgrades to "three" and then to "a couple." But it's about being real, right? In a talking head, he's all, "Jeremy's not the front-runner anymore. Game on!"
Then we have a pushup contest, for some reason. Some guys start packing it in pretty early. I would be in that group. Jeremy says he could have gone longer, but he took a dive, because he didn't want to keep showing up the other guys. In the end, Jesse just tops Brian (although his pushup technique was very sloppy by the end -- but I should acknowledge I doubt my ability to get into the double digits). Afterwards Jesse sits down with DeAnna and talks a bunch of shit about how he wants to spend time at home with his (eventual) kids and be the "cool dad." Here's a tip: trying to be the "cool dad" usually makes you into the ineffectual douchebag dad.
Paul, Graham and Jeremy are all safe for the rose ceremony. Ron gets the first rose. Then Jesse. Robert's . "I guess we're not going on baseball swings," he jokes. Or heterosexuality! Then Brian. Then Jason. Then Fred. The rest of the guys are looking glummer and glummer. Sean and his mullet get the rose, followed by Richard. If you're not keeping count, don't worry: here's Harrison to tell us all we're down to the last rose, which goes to Twilley.
The losers exchange man-hugs with the other bachelors, and sensitive-no-hard-feelings-man-hugs with DeAnna. Eric says it hurts mentally, psychologically and emotionally. He says something about bringing a lot to the table, but he's not necessarily going to "dish it and feed it to you." Unless it's made with feta cheese, in which case he'll ram it down your throat. Chris says he has no idea what she wants, and that he's a little pissed that she doesn't seem to know what she wants. "It's never fun when a girl tells you no," says Ryan, who ought to know. "I was voted friendliest person in eighth grade," he brags. Hey, you know what I was in eighth grade? THIRTEEN. Grow up, Ryan. Ryan says in an ideal world, this would end with a happy ending, which is DeAnna choosing him. You see how that's not a happy ending for anyone but you, right?
Meanwhile, before the final toast with the remaining bachelors, DeAnna gets all melodramatically upset about how bad she feels for breaking other people's hearts. "It's just hard, bro," Sean and his mullet tell the other bachelors. I hate to be the one to break it to her, but all three of the rejects look decidedly non-shattered. No suicide watches needed, DeAnna.
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