We're reminded that DeAnna is from the most somethingest season in Bachelor history, in this case "shocking." I guess the bachelor in that season said he couldn't tell her he loved her. And she cried in a limousine. And then, months later, she cried again, in a setting that involved couches, presumably during that "the bachelorettes tell all" show? So "dignity" is not something we need to worry about, is that right? That's a relief. "That was the worst day of my life," she tells us. Sounds like she's got a pretty good life, then.
But apparently that particular douchebag broke her heart, her family's heart, and America's heart. This is what Deanna says: that America's heart was broken when one reality-show famewhore didn't ask another reality-show famewhore to marry him. America went to its room, listened to "Pictures of You" over and over again for a week. I'm starting to think DeAnna has an inflated sense of herself. Fortunately, it seems that Ellen DeGeneres has a lot of sway over whom gets chosen as the Bachelorette, and here we are.
"The tables have turned!" proclaims DeAnna, since lowering a woman into the pigdog position normally occupied by a man is what counts for equality in the reality-show world. DeAnna stares at the sea and strides along the sand in soft-focus, because she's either thinking about how this is going to turn out, or she's starring in a commercial for a new prescription herpes medication that will allow her to continue having sex with her partner. Bachelorettefinex: It's Time. Ask your doctor.
Chris Harrison welcomes us to the mansion with the news that thousands of men from around the world phoned and e-mailed the show when DeAnna's heart was broken, offering themselves up. I don't believe for a second that thousands of straight men could pick DeAnna out of a two-woman police lineup if a million dollars were on the line. I don't know why Chris insists on lying to us like this. I do imagine it was easy for this show to find twenty-five men willing to be on television for their own (mostly self-promotional) reasons.
The men are introduced fast and furious, and since almost half of them will be eliminated by the end of this episode, I'm not going to bother listing them all, but will identify them as we come to them on the show. I really can't stand to pause and rewind all these scenes of tie-tying and hair over-gelling and especially the chest-shaving. You know, it's rather telling that on The Bachelor, the women are introduced simply with footage of them dolled up and exiting the limousine -- all the same, just varying heights and colours of dresses, whereas on this show, each man is featured with footage of them in their personal lives getting ready.
Chris welcomes Deanna back to the mansion. She's wearing a pretty, shimmery gold dress. Chris tells her she looks fantastic. "You look like, uh ... you look like the bachelorette!" he says. This must be why he gets paid the big bucks. He sits down to chat with her. "I'm the luckiest woman in the world right now!" she says, not for the first time, and not for the last, but with the same grasp of reality each time. She also says, "I totally believe in this show!" She says she fell in love with Brad, which Chris seizes on as proof this show actually works, percentage of accomplished marriages to the contrary, I suppose. She says she's looking for someone who is caring, who loves his family, who respects her, who can make her laugh. "Someone who knows what they want?" prompts Chris. "Someone who knows what they want, first and foremost," she agrees, even though she needed Chris to suggest the quality that was most important. They head outside to await the arrival of the men. I haven't felt anticipation like this since my first colonoscopy.
The limos arrive, and the men get out -- and same deal as before. They're all the same, they all make small talk, some hug her, some twirl. Some are suave, some act suave, some reveal themselves to be dorks, and she is unfailingly sweet and charming with each one. I'm not positive, but she may have been disappointed that Brad wasn't one of the bachelors. As the men arrive, they gather inside the mansion and drink and talk about how gorgeous she is -- which, don't they already know that if they're some of the thousands of men who are on this show for DeAnna? They also talk about how fast their hearts were beating, a conversation that resembles no conversation I've ever had had with any of my friends ever.
Back outside, Chris says "Ha ha ha," as he strolls up to tell her she's met her first fifteen boys, and DeAnna quickly corrects that to "men" in some not-at-all-scripted (in a scene that starts with CHRIS: [Enter laughing]) totally-spontaneous banter. For the viewers who can't handle basic arithmetic, Chris lets us all know there are ten more still to come. Thank god it's only ten -- when I tried to subtract fifteen from twenty-five, I got 6,382. Ten is much more manageable. After more men are introduced to DeAnna, Chris strolls out and asks if this is going to help her forget Brad. "Who?" she deadpans. Again, totally spontaneously and not at all set up, right? "Get ready for the night of your life!" he threatens.
Back from commercial, Chris and DeAnna make more small talk before he tells her she's giving away three first impression roses. Inside, the guys are apparently still talking about nothing but how gorgeous DeAnna is. Which is not to say they're wrong. She strolls in to the men's cheers. Sean says he and his mullet will do anything to get a rose and stay in the house. "I am the first bachelorette ever to give out three first-impression roses," says DeAnna. Really? In the entire history of. The Bachelorette? Wow. Talk about your historic moments. It's like the moon landing, the Super Bowl commercial where that woman throws a sledgehammer into a computer with GoDaddy.com on it or whatever, and now three first-impression roses.
Jeremy the real-estate attorney gets a first-impression right off the bat. Jason snags her for some one-on-one time, much to the consternation of the sharks currently circling her, and they talk about the traveling they've done, and about family. Well, she talks about her family; he doesn't mention he has a son. It will be nice later on, when he's watching this with his son, when he has to blanket why Daddy wanted to wait an episode or two before dropping such a bombshell on her. When Ryan the virgin football player chats with her, they share a blanket, with Ryan taking most of it, prompting Spero the actor to swoop in and offer her his jacket, earning admiring "You threw him under the bus!" comments from the other guys.
Fred the lawyer from Chicago talks about relationships and says he's never cheated: "It's something I don't believe in." Other obvious beliefs he should claim: "I don't believe in murdering puppies." "I don't believe in women not being human beings." "I don't believe that Wednesday doesn't follow Tuesday." Robert the chef heads off to the kitchen to whip something up for DeAnna, while half the other men stand around staring at him like dumbasses. Luke the oyster farmer presents her with a little pearly gift (not like that), and then has to explain to her what oyster farming is.
Robert presents to her the Dungeness crab martini he's made, and in a talking-head spot talks about how awesome he is. One of the other guys jokes that Luke gave her a pearl necklace, and Robert gave her crabs. "Don't hate, congratulate!" says Robert in a talking head. He's "damn confident" he's getting a rose. Then some asshole talks some shit about how none of the other guys ain't shit. (I'm paraphrasing, and that guy's leaving before too long anyway.)
Chris strolls out to say DeAnna needs some help narrowing twenty-five soulmates down to fifteen soulmates, and Jenni comes out, and a squealing DeAnna hugs her. She acts like she had no idea Jenni was going to be there, yet during a talking-head says she brought in Jenni, who was the other of the two final bachelorettes in their particular season (it merely wounded America's heart that Jenni didn't get a proposal), because she thought she needed help. And they're the bestest of friends now, because they bonded over being dumped by Brad. Ever been on a date with a woman who won't shut up about how over her last boyfriend she is? Yeah. This is kind of like that so far. Jenni and DeAnna chat in another room; Jenni.has a massive rock on one finger. "It's funny how far we've both come," says DeAnna, in all seriousness. Yes; Jenni went from wanting to get married to waiting to get married, while you went from The Bachelor to The Bachelorette. It's been an epic journey.
Jenni helps DeAnna as the interrogations begin. Richard the science teacher admits he's the "nerdy guy" of the bunch. He brings DeAnna a "Brookline diamond" (... I think. I'm not rewinding this shit), which is some famous product of his hometown or whatever, and it's really just quartz crystal. In a talking-head, she admits she liked Richard, even though he was slightly dorky. Eric the Greek guy plays up the Greekiness with DeAnna. One of the guys invites Jenni to sit on his lap. Hard to believe this asshole's still single. Jesse the snowboarder says he wore a crazy jacket matador jacket to show he's a triangle instead of a square, which deserves elimination right there. However, he does get some one-on-one time, where he says he wanted to get to know her, and that he so didn't read anything on the internet, and yet he talks about some New Jersey blogger who wrote a bunch of BS about her.
Sean and his mullet then enlists Jesse's help in performing a martial arts move -- kicking a glass off Jesse's head -- and then is all "I am a martial arts master but I am also sensitive." That is almost word for word what he says. If you were to introduce Smoove B to these guys, would they get the joke? DeAnna and Jenni confer a little bit about the roses, and DeAnna gives her second first-impression rose to Jesse, saying in a talking-head that he's got a great personality. Sean, in a talking-head, seems to think he and his mullet deserve half that rose, for kicking a glass off Jesse's head.
Greg talks about himself in the third-person. Chandler from Georgia uses a duck call, and then blathers on about Virginia Beach, and Indiana Brian, sitting there watching this, apparently thinks "how the hell can I compete with a duck call?" and so shows off his abs and makes DeAnna touch them. Paul from Edmonton promises Canada he'll get a rose. Don't do us any favours, Paul! He tries to get her agree to give him a rose if he jumps in the pool fully clothed. She promises him pneumonia instead, and he ignores her protestations and jumps in. He was planning to do this all along, since now he gets to strip down to his "DeAnna"-labelled bikini briefs. "My name is on the back of this boy's booty!" says DeAnna.
Graham talks about how he manages bars but is planning to start a charity to help kids with illnesses. I'd like to know just how long he's been planning this charity. At least for the last five minutes, I imagine. But the final first-impression rose goes to Richard the science teacher, because DeAnna says he's very sweet and genuine. He really does come off that way, as he says he wasn't expecting it, and that he has low self-esteem. Well, no better way to boost your self-esteem than by going on a reality show, I always says.
Chris comes in to say it's time to get ready for the first rose ceremony, and Deanna tells all the men "Who will get a rose, and who will lose their chance at love, forever?" asks Chris. "Forever"? Surely elimination from this show doesn't entail marriage ineligibility in perpetuity? Chris brings her into a room with pictures of all the bachelors, and they blather about how weird it is to be in the same room Brad was in, making his decisions. And they chat about some of the bachelors, and we're forced to watch clips that WE'VE JUST SEEN because there isn't actually enough here for the two hours. Either that or the producers think the viewers are all as stupid as they are. Then we hear an inane voiceover from DeAnna while we watch her look at all the pictures. She says "definitely" an awful lot. As in "making it into a drinking-game rule would likely kill you" lot.
DeAnna strolls out in front of the assembled men, and thanks them for putting their hearts on the line, calling herself the luckiest woman in the world again. That said, here's who stays: Ron, 36, a barbershop owner from Kansas City. Graham, 29, the professional basketball player who manages bars but plans to start a sick-child-helping charity (!). Eric, 31, the Greek senior analyst from Boston. ABC's website informs us his hometown is "Greece." Opa! Robert, 28, the chef from San Francisco. Sean and his mullet, 33, the martial arts master from Crestwood, Ky. Ryan, 28, the virginal pro football player from Lakeville, Minn. Chris, 29, in medical sales, from Dallas, who looks like a less-doofy version of Adam Carolla. Paul, 23, a sales manager from Edmonton. "Told ya I'd put my clothes on," he says. He'd better wear an Oilers shirt at some point. Fred, 30, the Chicago lawyer. Twilley, 33, the debt manager from Dallas. Jason, 31, an account executive from Kirkland, Wash. Chris strolls out for his "one rose left!" unnecessariness. "When you're ready," he says. Well, don't interrupt her, then. Brian, 31, the grey-haired football coach from Fort Worth. ("Texas," she clarifies, while Indiana Brian smiles tight-lipped. Indiana wants him, Deanna not so much.)
So much for Luke the oyster farmer and Chandler from Georgia, who bitches about the guy who lifted up his shirt. "I could have done that, too!" he whines, forgetting that Indiana Brian wasn't chosen either. Greg the third-person talker says he wants to be with DeAnna, but will not compromise. He says he's a "fucking prince among men." Then he actually rips off his shirt and flexes his tattooed muscles. And he starts literally howling, which would be more of a surprise if we didn't go to commercial break every single time for the past two hours watching a clip of that happening. Meanwhile, inside, DeAnna toasts the fifteen men who presumably were chosen because they are less douchebaggy than that guy. At least, so far.