Oh lordy, I forgot that the "dramatic and surprising" finale is actually shown with a live audience who will then stay for After the Final Rose. Chris mentions the controversy surprising Juan Pablo but really, is it controversy or just that ultimately everyone realized what a jackass he was when most other Bachelors are able to hide it longer? Chris also asks if JP was there to even find love in the first place. I can already guess that, proposal or not, there will be some long-winded answer that makes no sense but that ultimately JP will claim that of course he was, and none of us will believe it.
With that, off to Saint Lucia where JP is going to introduce the final ladies to his family. Mom, Dad, brother Rodrigo, cousin Rodolfo, sister Anita, niece Emi and of course, Camila, are all there. Clare is up first, and JP thinks the best thing to do is give no information about her whatsoever to his family, which really speaks to his feelings for her. Of course then he also reminds us just how physically attracted he is to her. Clare of course thinks JP is even hotter when he's on daddy duty, and she's as smitten as ever. Notably, when they sit down to eat, JP sits down with Camila while JP's dad is the one who helps Clare into her seat. While they eat, Clare tells them that she wants a big family one day. We keep seeing a little window with live shots of the audience but the shots are so dark that it's kind of pointless.
Clare then sits down with JP's mom, and after gushing about how much love she feels within the family, his mom asks semi-doubtfully, "Do you think you feel love?" This is a mama that knows her son, methinks. But of course Clare thinks she does and raves about him some more. When Clare asks if there are any personality traits that she should know, Mom warns that he is hyperactive, and then asks about their communication. Clare says that it is great and calls the Ocean Incident a "disagreement," saying that they worked through it and JP is great even when he says what you don't want to hear and twists his words to take no personal responsibility for anything ever, while making you take the blame and apologize for anything that happens. His mom is a little more direct and says that he can be rude, and the women bond over how he has made them cry, because that's healthy.
Rodolfo asks Clare a telling question: if JP wants to walk away will she love him enough to try and convince him to stay? Look, there's fighting for your relationship and working on problems, which is a real thing that happens in real life, and there's clinging on to a jackass because a bunch of glamorous vacations made you feel like you are in love while he just thinks you're hot in (and out of) a bikini, and Rodolfo seems to know this is the latter. Rodolfo then talks to JP and seems doubtful as he warns JP that she's so in love that she's practically, "begging for it." "It" is a proposal, by the way, you dirty things. Rodolfo and JP seem to agree that he needs someone that won't walk away, I guess because he likes to give up and move on to the leggy thing at the first sign of strife. I think Rodolfo might feel sorry for Clare already, given his somewhat worried tone.
JP's dad tells her how nice and mature she is, that if she joins the family he'd welcome her with open arms and that she'll always be in his mind if that doesn't happen -- basically, it's clear dad thinks JP isn't popping the question.
Before she goes, Clare tells JP that she can tell he was raised right and she can totally see herself as a part of this family. He very well was raised right, but obviously nothing actually stuck and he's going to run away at the first sign of strife. But hey, she's soooooo in love.
I love Chris. He again promises the most controversial finale ever, but does mock himself a little for his possible tiny, miniscule overuse of the word. He polls the crowd and they are overwhelmingly pro-Nikki. But seriously, at this point why is anyone pro-anything other than JP getting dumped and kneed in the junk?
JP reminds his parents that they have already met Nikki, but she's new to the rest of the family. Just like Clare, she wants to make a good impression and wants a proposal. JP tells us that she's going to talk to his family so that THEY can figure out if she's the one. I call that a Freudian slip and not a language issue, since it's so obvious he has no idea what to do and honestly I don't think feels anything other than lust for either woman. She tells the fam that this experience has been life-changing, and she's learned a lot about herself.
JP's dad asks how she feels about JP being a single father, and she gives the expected answer that it makes him who he is and she's looking forward to a relationship with Camila too. Dad then reiterates that JP is a completely selfish jerkwad, focused only on his own desires, and thinks he knows it all. No, seriously, he doesn't use the word "jerkwad" but that's the gist. Nikki swears she gets this and she's ready for this relationship.
Nikki then gushes to Mom that she fell in love with JP when she saw him with Camila in Miami. Mom asks her what she thinks a weekend with him will be like and she describes a very child-centric weekend doing fun activities but mom corrects that he'll want her to bring him breakfast and then will want them all to hang out at home and watch TV. Have any Bachelor parents given such a lackluster endorsement of their son before this? Nikki asks her if she thinks he's ready and after a far too-long pause, Mom says she's, "pretty sure." Mom says she thinks Nikki will say yes if he proposes, but carefully never says if she thinks this would actually be a good thing.
Cousin Rodolfo asks how much fighting she can take. I mean, this is remarkable. He actually jumps in to reiterate that he loves his cousin, but repeats the same basic warning he gave Clare, which is that JP will totally walk away. Nikki thinks fighting shows passion and she's looking forward to the future with him. She then interviews that nothing they said was a red flag and she can handle anything and is sure they are right for each other, probably because she's been blinded by the St. Lucia sun. JP tells her he's so glad she signed up for the show, and she calls it the best decision she ever made. I wonder if she still thinks that after watching this season?
Chris then fills time interviews the audience about JP and most people point out that his entire family was trying to warn both women away which is rather alarming. A plant dude thinks that it's all going to be fine and he and Nikki will ride into the sunset but Dude's wife is much more suspicious of JP. Chris then interviews the assembled former participants -- Kelly also notes the massive family warnings, while Catherine is very careful and says that she likes JP as a person but basically that he's not handling himself well and that she feels sorry for the women who have to make the most of the situation when his family is sitting there trying to warn them away.
Chris then sets us up for Clare and JP's final date, and claims it's nothing like we've ever seen before. JP of course says that he has no idea what he's going to do and tells us he's not 100% sure of anything. After much kissing, he leads her to a helicopter for a tour of the island. JP reminds us that they have had ups and downs and have had to fix some things, so this time alone will be good. Dude, if that lunkhead realizes that they've had problems, that's not a good sign for Clare. The helicopter then lands, and Clare says that they had a brief moment with no cameras and no audio so JP leaned in and whispered… that he said he really doesn't know her, and then added some sexual stuff for good measure. She's clearly shaken up while they walk up the mountain and she interviews that she's not an object, and maybe she had this idiot all wrong. Dare we hope she's finally seeing the light?
Clare is still shaken up that JP would tell her that they don’t know each other well, but he loves hooking up with her (in significantly more explicit terms). She's pretty mad since she was looking for love and not just a hookup, and when he arrives she shocks him with her chilly reception. She asks him to repeat what he said and he has the gall to say she should remind him. She does, but still refrains from repeating his words verbatim and he agrees that they were private and should stay private, like, no big thing. He then claims that he just said he didn't know her "enough," not that they don't know each other "at all." And then, as she goes on about how this troubled her and she wants to discuss it, he cuts, in, "That's why you didn't give me a kiss?" as if she had totally overreacted. I'm going to need to bathe in lye after writing this weecap because I feel SO DIRTY watching this asshole try to be smooth even when he can't hide anymore what a slimy piece of crap he is. He hides yet again behind the excuse of being honest to say such gross things, like when he tells Clare there's things he might not like about her… and then just as that sinks in adds lightly that there might be things she doesn't like about him that she doesn't know yet. Buddy, I think there's plenty that she does know and doesn't like already.
Clare tells him that she'd put up with this crap and these fights if she knew that he really did want her there, and admits that they have great physical chemistry. She can't say whatever her point was though, because JP interrupts her to say that she went back on her "no kissing" rule in South Korea so, "Don't blame it on me." He actually repeats that multiple times even though she points out she's not blaming him. He claims he likes a lot more about her than just the physical interaction, so she asks if he knows her well enough to make his decision. He talks in circles about how hard this decision is because he has a daughter and it's their life and all that, and does it all with a gross grin on his face like he can't even get the words out seriously. AND THEN SHE BUYS IT. She says that this is the kind of thing she wanted to hear from him, that he was interested in more than the physical, and he drapes himself over her legs talks about how they could have babies together and she totally warms to him again. He just looks so SMUG, with this little gross smile when he realizes he's back in her good graces. She claims that now she knows that it's a lot more than a physical attraction between them and that he really wants her there. He plays the song from their first date, she melts, and I dry heave for a solid five minutes. She giggles that they should play the song at their wedding, and my retching starts anew. She tells us through tears that they may need to get to know each other more but that they have something special.
Chris asks Sharleen what she thinks about watching that, and she says it was disturbing to watch Clare ignore her intuition while JP was being so patronizing. Sean also found it horrible and thought that yet again JP talked in circles and he wanted to slap him into saying something straight for once.
While he waits for Nikki, JP says that he's still waiting for a sign to help his poor, confused mind make itself up. Seriously, everything he says indicates that he doesn't realize that this decision is something he has to MAKE as opposed to having it just appear out of thin air. Nikki says that she loves him and he's one of the most amazing people she's met in her life, reminding all the rest of us just how young 26 really is. They go out on a huge catamaran and she raves about the awesomeness of his family. And then she interviews that he's "cautious" and "afraid of getting hurt" because she's somehow deluded herself that he's not just "shallow" and "trying to get as much ass and fame as possible." He asks her if she has any concerns, and she tells him he might be guarded and afraid to open up, but he dismisses that immediately. When she asks him what will happen when they aren't on a gorgeous island, he actually says he's going to watch a ton of TV, and mostly do that by himself. She points out that he won't always be by himself, but he reiterates that he will be, mostly. Wait… what? She's starting to get worried since she can't get any read on him and what he might be feeling. I cannot think of a bigger advertisement for listening to one's gut than this two hours of television.
When she has him over that night, she tells us that she wants him to actually say how he's feeling and that she's the one. He tells her he can't believe it's already been ten weeks, and she agrees, but keeps staring into the distance and getting lost in her thoughts. Basically, she's freaking out that he won't commit to her at all about any of his feelings and keeps drifting off into nervous silence. Of course, his reaction is always the same -- he claims he's nervous too and that, "It's okay." She calls him into the bedroom and gives him a framed photo of them making out on horseback while desperately hoping that and the card that goes with it will encourage him to proclaim some of his feelings. It doesn't. He gives her a few kisses on the cheek and says he'll see her tomorrow. She starts to tear up when she walks him out but he doesn't notice because he's a self-absorbed asshat and after he leaves, she completely breaks down.
So, proposal day dawns and JP stares at a ridiculously diamond-encrusted ring while the girls primp and tell us how much they want him to propose and how happily they will say yes to this useless piece of garbage. All three of them are taken by separate boats to the proposal set deep in the jungle. Clare is the first woman we see arrive, and Chris meets her at the beach and leads her to the spot; during the long walk she talks more about how in love she is and then, horribly, says that she trusts him so much and nothing he said the other night indicated that he has any doubts. What can I even say about that at this point? It's sad and awful and I feel sorry for Clare and hope she learns from this to listen to her instincts.
She is so terrified that she is almost shaking, and he gazes at her for a good long while and claims to be nervous too. Unfortunately, though, his demeanor is of someone waiting at a pickup window for his burrito. Clare gives him a speech about how they have something special and she believes in him. He tells her she's great, and he wants her to be there, but when he says he wished the earth could have sucked him down to avoid having to make this decision she starts to realize this is not going to go well. He reminds her again how honest he's been, and then tells her that he has to say goodbye. But when he goes in for a hug, she puts her hands up and stops him, and the audience cheers. She reminds him that she gave him a chance the other night to tell her the truth, and is furious that he said that he could see himself with her. He keeps trying to interrupt and agree with her like he did before, but she finally tells him to shut up and wait and then says that he had plenty of opportunities to say what he felt just like Sharleen and Andi did to him. He tries to tell her when he made his decision but she just walks off and tells him it doesn't matter. "I lost respect for you." She adds that she thought she knew what kind of man he was but after making her go through what she just went through, she'd never want her kids to have a father like him, and the crowd goes wild. He, as always, looks totally unruffled and then, after she goes and gets a hug from Chris, adds, "I'm glad I didn't pick her." Not as glad as she is, you dick. Also, you had the same belated, defensive type of reaction when Andi left and it's obvious that you're trying desperately to save face. And THEN, in her angry exit interview, we learn that what he said to her on the helicopter was: "I love to fuck you." So, that is what happened in the ocean then. She's furious and sad and embarrassed, and asks where the man is who will fight for her. Honey, he was never on this TV show, that's for sure.
Nikki then arrives and is escorted up to JP, who is gazing dumbly at a rose. She loves him, she wants to get engaged, she wants to hear everything he hasn't been able to say and can't wait to spend her life with him, blah barf blah. She tells him that she loves who he is and wants to be a part of his life, and every part of me wants to hide my face under the pillow watching this horrible declaration of love. He tells her he loves so many things about her, especially her honesty, of course. He reminds her about the visit to her dad and how he told JP he had to be 100% sure if he's going to propose… so after a lot of thought ("thought"), he's not going to pull the ring out of his pocket but he wants to keep seeing her and likes her "a lot, A LOT." He asks her to accept the final rose, and she does, and I only hope she dumps him on his ass sooner than later.
Lauren S is a writer who lives and works in Atlanta and hopes you'll accept her rose. She wants everyone to know: "The views expressed in my recaps and anything else I might write on TWoP are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."