We launch right into the special with Chris basically pointing out how everyone is disgusted after watching that finale. Apparently JP has a surprise for us later but first, Chris is talking to Clare.
Clare tells Chris she's doing well, but that watching the finale brings back the sting of the day. There are a lot of silent pauses and Clare reiterates that she asked JP if he had doubts and he didn't admit to any, so she thought she was going to be getting a proposal. Chris says, "speaking of doubts…" and then asks about what was said in the helicopter. Clare reiterates how disappointed and confused she was, and finally admits that she was wearing some really quality rose-colored glasses during that last date. Chris is really so good because it's not easy to politely ask someone WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY DID YOU NOT RUN, and he is able to be much more delicate but basically asks her that. She admits she should have left, but that she was trying so hard to let and keep her guard down that she trusted that JP was serious about finding love and marriage which clearly he was not. Chris asks if Clare actually wants to speak to JP here, now, but she tells him that she said exactly everything she wanted to say in St. Lucia, and it was all the closure she needed, which earns her a warm round of applause. Chris tells her it's fine, but he's going to talk to JP because it's only fair that he be able to tell his side of the story in as ineffectual and long-winded a manner as possible.
Chris then welcomes Juan Pablo, who is looking as smarmy as ever. He says that the last month has been hard for him because of the political turmoil in Venezuela. Serious political upheaval aside, JP reiterates that he wasn't on the show to play games and calls out to the other Bachelors in solidarity since they should know how hard it was for him to say goodbye to people. What he doesn't notice is the stares he gets in response, that all seem to say, "Don't drag me into this, windbag." Chris asks him the same question as last week: after watching the episode back, does he have any regrets? After a good two minutes of empty nonsense Chris jumps in to try and get him back on track and JP -- the ultimate interrupter -- actually snaps, "Can I talk?!?" It will surprise exactly no one that he can dish it out but he can't take it and awesomely, Chris just plows ahead. He asks if JP has any regrets to do with Clare and amid lots of blather the answer is basically no. Chris asks about what JP said in the helicopter and JP acts baffled and says that was a private conversation and relationship between two people. The crowd starts to grumble and Chris just moves on, but JP eventually comes back to it and asks why Clare would have regrets, shrugging and adding that he wasn't there to watch the episode with the crowd so, obviously, why would he know. I have known some people with very little self-awareness, but this guy is their king.
Nikki is up , for a one-on-one with Chris, and immediately confirms that she and JP are still in a relationship and are doing great. Chris asks if he is in love with Nikki, and she has to admit that she doesn't know, and that the two of them, "express things very differently." He hasn't said the words to her, but she finally stutters that shows her how much he cares in his own way and also, if he wasn't invested in the relationship, he wouldn't still be in it. Chris just keeps hammering it home that we all know Nikki is in love, so isn't it just awful and deflating that JP won't say it back? Everything about this is making me cringe, from Chris' question to Nikki's weak assertions that everything is dandy.
JP comes out, and the lukewarmbirds share a chaste kiss and then hold hands. JP also reports that they are doing great but the guy has never thought that anything isn't going great, so he's maybe not the most reliable judge. He's just happy that they can go out and have a burger together in public, because damn does he know how to romance a woman. (By the way, I am incredibly Pro Hamburger but I do kind of think that if my baby and I were about to be able to go out in public for the first time in four months, we might choose something a little bit more interesting/romantic since presumably we would have been able to share hamburgers in private.) All evening, Chris has been promising a surprise since supposedly JP told the producers he had something big up his sleeve. And what this leads to… is confusion and nothing from our Bachelor, who has no idea what Chris is talking about.
Chris asks JP how he feels about Nikki and he says that things are great and happy and uses everything but the word "love." Chris tries again, and JP avoids again, and finally Chris comes right out and directly asks JP if he loves her. JP STILL won't say it, and instead says that this is real life and you don't go around saying that in real life. Chris is baffled because, like many of us, he finds that statement utterly ridiculous. But JP will not be coerced into feeling too deeply about his lady love, America! I just am dying inside for Nikki, because this is mortifying and he's so gross. JP then tries to continue the babble that Chris "interrupted" earlier and it all makes no sense but he basically just wants to say for the billionth time that he's honest while reminding us that Chris Harrison is a rude and terrible host, not realizing that he's made himself even more of a punchline than he was before. JP also knocks jerks who hide behind their computers and say mean things about him -- honestly, what kind of loser would do that? Sheesh.
Chris throws it to the former contestants, who are all squirming, and Sean again has to be the voice of reason pointing out that this is a public journey and also, the second he knew he was falling in love with Catherine he couldn't wait to tell her so. My respect for Sean is growing immensely for the way he is knocking JP down for being a jackass while remaining utterly polite about it. JP claims he respects Sean but in a way that implies that duh, Sean is a jackass like Chris who just doesn't get his secret, bland relationship. He then claims that the reason he didn't propose was out of respect for Nikki's dad. Dude, I'm pretty sure Nikki's dad is trying to get Katie Holmes' father's contact info to get advice on how best to help his daughter escape an embarrassing relationship with a lunatic. Chris basically begs JP to act like he's in love or has any sort of deep feelings or ANYTHING real, but JP claims that his and Nikki's awkward embrace shows how happy they are. What makes it worse is how often JP says that he signed up for the show to find love, so finally Chris can't help himself and asks, "SO DID YOU?" But JP still will not be forced into admitting feelings like a sucker!
Chris asks Nikki what she's feeling and she says that so often you see couples proclaim on the sofa how in love they are and root for them, but they've been in hiding and really only just started dating exclusively, and this is just the beginning of the journey. I think she's consciously ignoring the fact that America saw all of the footage of her repeating how badly she wanted JP to propose and how deeply she's in love with him. You're right, Nikki -- this is a real relationship in that almost everyone has been in at one point or another where you like the other person more than they like you, and deep down you also know they are bad news but you keep hoping for the best, and one day you guys are going to break up and you're going to hope the ABC vault (and the entire Internet, really) goes up in flames so that you never have to be reminded of that time you sat on a sofa in front of America and gazed at an immature, self-centered asshole who was making a fool out of you and tried weakly to convince us that your love is real and that this is actually fulfilling and not the most mortifying moment you ever have experienced or ever will again. Chris throws to commercial, clearly with no idea how on earth he's going to fill the last 20 minutes since JP feels so strongly that their tepid romance should now be kept private. He even gets up from his chair before the camera has even pulled away and runs backstage presumably to ask the producers, "WTF IS HAPPENING?!?"
Chris comes back and declares Nikki is in love, JP is in love and won't say it, and YAY WE ARE ALL HAPPY. He asks Nikki how long she's giving JP to say he loves her, and she replies that there's no limit and she'll stay there as long as it feels right. JP says that they have plans, but that they "drastically changed" after The Women Tell All. Chris is baffled and intrigued, as am I when JP says that is due to information he got from the producers but swears it's not something that happened on that show. They don't know what city(ies) they are going to live in, so Chris finally asks desperately if they have ANY plans. JP claims they do, but they will be kept private. So, he's going to be a jerk, embarrass himself, embarrass his "girlfriend," and then retreat and shun everything the show is about in the name of "honesty." Got it. As he goes on about keeping their lives private, the crowd actually laughs at him, and Sean tries to keep a straight face but Chris calls on him and Sean just blurts out that sorry, it doesn't stay private whatsoever once the show is over. Chris asks Catherine what she would feel if she was Nikki right now, and Catherine basically says she can't say because the situation is so weird and confusing and also very different from her own. She is clearly itching to point out that she would have dumped this idiot long ago, but manages to keep that inside. She does conclude, "Don't slap the hand that fed you." Of course JP doesn't understand and Chris then has to explain the metaphor -- he points out that the show is a public forum to find love and also if you're happy, why would you not want to share it with people? JP actually tries to claim that he had never seen the show before, as if he was just signing up for a very fancy dating service while sitting in his living room. He claims that all he signed up for was to find another person, and he did, and so that's that. Boom. Chris very worriedly offers congratulations, and then thanks God this interview is over.
Chris comes back, barely able to keep a straight face, asks the crowd how they are doing and actually adds, "Shower that one off?" Seriously, I want to crawl out of my own skin; that was so horrifying. He then admits truthfully he's so happy to be done with this stupid season, so let's move on to the new Bachelorette: Andi! Andi likes to walk through Piedmont Park and dream about true love! She's a badass Assistant District Attorney who fights gangs! She has amazing aim with a handgun! Her dad prays that she brings someone home who she's actually sure about this time!
Chris introduces her, visibly relieved to have an actually articulate, intelligent human being on the sofa. She looks great in a sequined minidress, and she's totally breathless and excited. The first thing Chris wants to make sure is that Andi knows this will be on TV, and he assures her that it's fine to express her emotions and actually tell someone if she's in love. Basically, the whole interview is Chris desperately asking if she's actually ready for this experience and not going to turn into a jerky, idiotic, baffling, closed-off dickwad and thankfully for him and for the viewing audience, she believes in the process and is super excited.
Lauren S is a writer who lives and works in Atlanta and hopes you'll accept her rose. She wants everyone to know: "The views expressed in my recaps and anything else I might write on TWoP are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."