Tonight, the women are going to tell all about how much they dislike this season's extra-idiotic Bachelor! Chris tells us how this has been one of the most controversial seasons ever of the show, and tries to claim that there are still some people out there in America that love Juan Pablo. Chris, did you have to practice that a few times so that you could keep a straight face?
Before we get to the Bachelor-bashing, we need to have some actual positivity so Chris welcomes Sean and Catherine to talk about their wedding. Catherine is sporting new bangs, which I appreciate as a bang devotee myself, and Sean tells us that the first thing they did when they got home from their Bora Bora honeymoon was to watch the wedding on TV. Having ABC film your wedding really is like the best wedding videographer of all time, truly. Chris has to ask about the wedding night and says he's sorry for making such a big deal about it leading up to the Blessed Event, which Catherine clearly realizes is an outright lie. Sean calls the wedding night itself, "fireworks," and Catherine adds, "QUICK fireworks!" This is both hilarious and TMI. Basically thought, I do appreciate that these two generally do seem normal and actually in love, especially after watching JP for weeks. Also TMI: Sean was molested by a stingray while swimming. They tell Chris they'll be trying for kids sometime within the year, and he wishes them congratulations.
Chris throws us to an interview he did with another soon-to-be-married couple… and we cut to him sporting a very ill-advised, patchy beard while interviewing Miss Piggy and Kermit, except it's not Kermit, and then they call out Juan Pablo, who sounds as sleazy talking to Miss Piggy as he does with every other woman that's been on the show. This segment makes me uncomfortable. I ADORE the Muppets, but I don't like to see them caught up in any nonsense with Juan Pablo. Anyhow, go see Muppets Most Wanted.
When we come back, Chris has the rejected ladies assembled. So many women whose names I forgot already! I am incredibly pleased to see that Molly is there as well; it wouldn't be the same without some good doggie reaction shots. The women talk about how their first impression of JP is that he was insanely hot, but Kelly was alarmed that Molly didn't like him. Who knew that Molly was going to be the one who was right from the get-go? We're treated to clips of all of the ladies gushing about his hotness, but hilariously they show reaction shots from the women as we hear their fawning quotes and most of them are grimacing when reminded of what they first said. Chris asks why it wasn't enough to have him just be hot, and various ladies answer that duh, you also need to have a good personality. At the very least, you need someone who wants to talk about more than just himself.
When asked, Renee admits that she had different interactions with him because they could at least talk about their kids. But someone reminds her that she sometimes got sick of that and Cassandra points out that in her case they still weren't deep conversations. Alli recounts that when he did ask a question about her, he then asked basically the very same thing the time they went out, proving that there is no room in his head to remember details about anyone other than himself. Kelly calls out Alli for acting totally differently in this interview than she did in the house when she was acting lovesick, and when Chris asks Kelly agrees that she thinks some of what we're hearing from rejected bachelorettes is sour grapes. I suspect it's also self-preservation, because it's always embarrassing to remember that time you thought you were falling for a douchebag. Andi throws JP a bone and says that she thinks maybe he was looking for a girlfriend to date, while all of the ladies were looking for an actual husband and true love.
Chris asks the ladies what they thought about how JP kissed so many ladies and Kat points out that it's weird to date and have no real idea of where you fit in with relation to the others, and then adds that it's interesting to watching him change his own rules up all the time as he goes along. Kelly points out that he used his daughter as an excuse when he had no chemistry, because he never brought Camila up, "when he was in the ocean," so to speak. Chris asks Renee her perspective on this and she basically says that duh, she talked to her son and he knew she was on a dating show so it was weird that JP used him as an excuse to not kiss her. Okay, fine, she's sweet and awesome so she doesn't actually say it that directly, but that was her gist. Kat points out that it was a little off-putting to hear him always refer to the single moms as his "special ones," and even Cassandra agrees. Chris brings up his constant rule changing and Kelly points out that JP hid behind the excuse of being "honest" when clearly he was just making shit up as he went along.
Then it's time to talk about the "swimming" incident with Clare in Vietnam. The girls all apparently had no idea that had happened, and rightfully think that JP was disgusting by putting the blame on her afterward. The funny thing is that the general consensus seems to be, hey, good on Clare for seizing her moment and they would have done the same if they thought about it. But seriously, how glad are they all now that they didn't think of it? Also, while there's a little bit of sniping, has a group of rejected bachelorettes ever seemed to get along so well as these women? I don't think so. It's the bonding power of dickwaddery.
Now it's time to talk to Sharleen. Chris tells her that she had the most "intriguing" relationship with a bachelor of anyone he's seen yet on the show, with how it ran so hot and cold. Sharleen's response is that she was being honest and that in real life, you don't always know how you feel at first and can sometimes be hot and cold about someone. She really keeps baffling this show by bringing up "real life" all the time. We see a clip package that includes a lot of making out, and Sharleen can barely bring herself to watch. When Chris asks why she left, she reiterates that she knew deep down that ultimately he wasn't the one for her. Chris reminds her that she was missing a "cerebral connection" and once wished she was "dumber," and she is incredibly classy when she claims that statement was about how she always overthinks things. No, honey, it's okay, what you mean is that you're a very intelligent woman and Juan Pablo is dumber than a box of hair.
Chris brings up the chemistry and she again is very delicate as she points out that most people have had this kind of relationship at some point or another, where you are more physically than intellectually attracted to someone and you can just avoid talking with hot, hot making out. She tries to give JP a little bit of credit and calls him curious, but… he was a hot piece of ass. Let's just call it like it is. Sharleen had no idea that she was a (if not the) frontrunner, but the other girls all knew it full well. Chris asks if she has any regrets now that she's watched the show back and she says that of course she regrets some things she said but she doesn't regret leaving. Dude, after watching this season I would think every one of the women on this stage is counting her lucky stars to have gotten out already.
Renee is up on the hot seat. During all of this, Andi is getting by far the most reaction shots but so far, all of the shots are of her smiling like a normal person so I'm not sure what ABC was expecting to suddenly happen. I mean, I don't know about all of you, but I would never EVER want to see video of myself dating someone, acting stupid (we've all done it) and falling for the wrong person, and then being sad when it ended. Given what a jackass JP is, this is a surprisingly bonded group of women who seem to fairly respect each other and act like human beings.
So, Renee admits that she had a nice connection with JP and much of that was probably because they both were single parents. She seems less mortified than the others and generally at peace with the feelings she had while she was taking part in this shitshow, but she's certainly not thrilled to have to rewatch their breakup. She confirms that she was in love with him but her wording seems to indicate that maybe she realizes it also was a result of getting swept up at that time. What we can take away from her interview is that she continues to be a mature and sensible woman who has actually lived in the real world before. Chris asks if she regrets going on the show but she says she thinks overall it gave her confidence to date as a single mother and she coyly admits to now being in a relationship. Which: yay! She came off as genuinely, seriously awesome in every way and deserves someone fantastic.
And now it's time for Andi. Chris has her reiterate that she really feels she was falling in love with JP and then asks about That Night in the fantasy suite. It's much of what she said before -- she even admits that at first it was really nice to just relax and appreciate that they weren't being followed by a crew of folks. But then, as we know, it became All Juan Pablo, All the Time, and she adds that he also became really negative. She says pointedly, "I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor," with a fabulous accompanying smirk. Everything she says is stuff we just heard last week including how she didn't want to be reminded about his overnight date with Clare. She admits that she should have said something at the time, but that she just wanted the date to be over by then so instead of saying something she simply pretended to be asleep. Even Chris is like, "We've all had that date!" Andi does clarify that JP was never mean to her; he just was oblivious and rude and has no filter and she also realizes that he didn't absorb anything she said to him when she left. Chris asks how she is now and she says she still believes in and is looking for her "great love." Hmm, I wonder if she might have an opportunity to choose from a pool of twenty-something eligible bachelors on an upcoming season of The Bachelorette? We'll have to wait until week to find out if this is in her future.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for Juan Pablo himself. The weak hug he gives Chris seems to say, "I'm already annoyed by everything everyone has been saying about me and think I'm a tremendous catch and you guys just don't get it." JP says he is nervous to see everyone but thinks that he can have some friends in this group of women as time goes on, proving that he truly is an eternal optimist/ clueless doofus. Chris asks if he'd do anything differently now that he's seen the show and of course he wouldn't, which is seriously the most telling thing he could say. He has no concept of bettering himself as a person and I suspect it's because he thinks he's the best person in the world already. The disgust radiating from the women is palpable as he says that sometimes, people will get hurt when you're honest with them and that's that.
Once Chris gets JP to say point-blank that he has no regrets about anything, he opens it up to the ladies. Lauren S wishes he had just told her that he wasn't feeling a connection with her rather than saying it was because Camila was watching the show. He tries to clarify this point that he used many times by explaining that he's not going to let his daughter watch the show, but he realizes that she might overhear things about him and his behavior when she's out and about in the world. He then he claims that he didn't come on the show just to kiss women. Here's where you should just give up and practice that honesty you love so much, dude, ugh.
That settled, it's time for bloopers, and Kat especially is excited for his. It involves JP and Cassandra getting stuck in their boat/jeep, lots of dancing, and lots of set pieces falling over. Then we are treated to one ESL moment that is actually spectacular, where JP repeatedly refers to someone accepting him and his "little package." After saying it a few different times, the producer finally takes pity and lets him know that he's actually making a comment on his manhood. Finally, we are given an, "Esss okay," supercut, and a shot of JP doing an interview in hot pink boxer briefs, which might be funny and/or charming if he was at all funny and/or charming.
To wrap up the episode, Chris asks the ladies how they think the show is going to end, and Kat says it's anyone's game… which she then diplomatically corrects to, "anyone's opportunity." Chris asks if Clare and Nikki really are that different and Kelly grins in a, "This is going to be a trainwreck," way as she confirms that the two couldn't be more opposite from each other. Kelly and Sharleen are Team Nikki, and when Chris asks who is rooting for Clare he's very polite when only a few hands are raised by saying it's about split. He then promises that week will be something we haven't seen before, and I only hope they both dump JP's crappy ass.
Lauren S is a writer who lives and works in Atlanta and hopes you'll accept her rose. She wants everyone to know: "The views expressed in my recaps and anything else I might write on TWoP are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."