This week Juan Pablo is taking the girls to Miami, possibly hoping there will be less of a language barrier. It is his home town, after all, and in Miami nobody cares that you don't know common phrases and idioms. JP drives up to his estate, eager to surprise the main lady in his life: Camila. You may have heard what this man usually considers a pleasant surprise (a full-frontal nudie shot!), so yeah this little visit with his family is not going to make me think he's a good person.
In the car ride through Miami, Clare won't shut up about all the things she's excited to do in their collective boyfriend's home town. She wonders if they'll meet his friends and family, keeping that same look on her face that looks exactly like this emoticon: :>D. They arrive at their penthouse suite and Clare is like :>D ! Boxes of bikinis await the women, just to remind them that they are for looking at and best keep any dark emotions out of their time in the land of sun and sand!
Sharleen's cloud will not be lined with silver, however. She's already thinking in advance to the hometown dates and she's not ready to introduce this man, nay, this stranger, to her family. Sharleen is the only person who continues to act like a real person with realistic, real-world expectations on this show and I love her for it. Also, she might be a vampire?! JP tells his brother, who is one of those adults who wear braces (not even an Invisalign!), that Sharleen really stood out to him for being elegant and different. Obviously, we are setting Juan up for a big, big bummer. I can't wait. He deserves it for (probably) fucking Clare in the ocean and then making her feel bad about it.
JP arrives at the penthouse to greet his six girlfriends and deliver the date card. He reaches into the pocket of his shorts and gives Sharleen the date card. She is underwhelmed, never one to give the cameras the reaction they'd like. Nikki looks furious. The date card says something about "let's sea the city," and Sharleen is like, "right now?" and all the other girls are like, "I don't get it, why isn't she thankful to hang out with our boyfriend? This is normal stuff!"
Sharleen dons a maxi dress, laced with extra doubt, and they head out. The other girls sit on the terrace and talk shit about Sharleen. They compare notes, trying to figure her out, and discover that Sharleen's type is "intellectual men." They denounce smart guys as nerdy, because smart is not exactly Juan Pablo.
Sharleen tells the cameras that today is the day she should know definitively how she feels about things. But she is waffling, unsure of how much of the Kool-Aid she should drink. JP tells her to look into his eyes and trust him and not worry but you can't use compulsion on a vampire, dummy! Sharleen keeps fighting with herself on the date, trying not to kiss him too much and constantly surprising herself with how attracted to him she is. The voice in her head, when they are not kissing, keeps reminding her that JP is not her intellectual equal, that she doesn't want to date a dad, and that he is dating five other people right now.
Sharleen managed to find herself a one-piece in that box of bikinis and at least she's not wearing that god-awful white fringe suit again. They talk about Sharleen's career and priorities on the beach as the sun sets. In an interview, JP says "being with Sharleen here feels perfect. She's an amazing girl and I know she's the one. I like this girl." I don't think he really knows what he's saying. You don't just say someone is "the one" unless they are at the very least the one person you are dating at the time. But I suppose that was too much to explain in The Phrases of Love Bootcamp JP went through to get here.
They kiss in the water, where sex doesn't count, and they return to the boat for a romantic chat on a pile of pillows and you know Sharleen saw that in that beautiful dress and was like, god damn it. Juan continues his makeout date with Sharleen, mentioning in an interview that he wants to meet her parents. Their kissing is loud and gross and disturbs Sharleen. The kissing is fine, but when they come up for air JP says Sharleen is teaching him "big words" and he likes how "proper" she is and it brings her back down to earth. "Okay …" Sharleen says, wishing JP were not such a dumbass. What's left when you take away the kissing and the talking about how special these experiences are? Sharleen is about to find out.
Sharleen is honest, telling JP that it feels a bit soon to meet parents, and admitting that she wishes she were "a little dumber." Oh, Sharleen, never wish you were simple enough to be ignorant of a man's shortcomings.
The other women sit in a line on the white sectional in their penthouse, musing about the other Miami dates. The date card arrives and it's for Nikki. Andi reads the card out loud, and it says something along the lines of "listen to my heartbeat" and Nikki forgets that she's a pediatrician and that's how she got JP's attention coming out of the limo, and asks if she'll have to dance again. Clare is like :>/. Clare thinks Nikki is too negative and can't believe that someone that negative is getting all JP's attention. Sharleen returns from the date, wishing she didn't still have that nagging doubt that comes along with having a brain and being a reasonable person in real life.
Sharleen pulls Renee aside to confide in her. She's still not sure and people are probably pressuring her to feel more sure than is natural. She is willing to sacrifice herself for someone else who feels more definitive to have her "spot." This is so weird, and I do not accept that this experience even mimics anything close to real life.
It's time for Nikki's second one-on-one and she has put on this big, floral silk sweater-y thing with some little jorts and she looks perfect. JP announces that they'll be going to Camila's dance recital as a "date" and his parents and Camila's mom will be there. Nikki says she's excited but she is clearly nervous and overwhelmed because this is a shitty surprise. She's reconsidering the length of those shorts for sure.
Back at the penthouse, the date card arrives for Chelsie, Renee, Clare and Andi. The second card in the envelope is "from Chris Harrison" announcing that there will be a rose on the group date so they should be on their best behavior. Sharleen sees the other girls wanting a rose to take JP home to their families and decides it's best if she leave because in the light of day, away from those lips, she does not feel excited about the prospect.
Nikki meets the family and JP's ex, who is super hot, and then they sit down for this shoddy dance recital. Not to be mean to innocent children, but what the fuck is this? Nikki claims that with the children's song, all her nerves melt away. If Sharleen were on this date, she would call it out for the bullshit it was. JP interacts with his daughter, and Nikki's ovaries explode with want.
For the part of the date, JP drives Nikki to his "office," which is the Marlins stadium. Can I just say, that when you wear a backless top that is also cut very low in front, you shouldn't wear a short skirt and heels? Oh, I guess they're in Miami, though. And then JP makes her play baseball with him in that skin-baring assemblage of napkins she chose. They talk about families and how they come in all shapes, sizes and configurations. I'm sure JP also feels that Nikki is "thay one." Nikki determines that she is in love with JP and wants her forever.
Back at the penthouse, Sharleen is resolved. The girls demand to know why she is fancy. Sharleen tells them she's conflicted and has decided to leave. Clare is all :>o and then a little like :>).
Fancy Sharleen goes to JP's suite to break the bad news, and fortunately for the rules of being a vampire he invites her in. She sits down with him on the couch and says that even though their date was amazing, this is excruciatingly difficult. JP clearly does not know what that means, but nods. She doesn't know if she can get where she's "supposed" to be in three weeks' time. I love you, Sharleen! JP tells her not to cry because of him and that if she does, he will be upset at her. Ugh, he's so awful, get out now, girl. He cradles her like a baby and she apologizes to him for wasting his time. He says she's different in a good way, then chastises her half-jokingly for not singing enough for him. I hate that he even made her do that. Godspeed, Sharleen.
Juan Pablo goes to the balcony to pull a Mesnick. He tearily applauds Sharleen for her honesty and guts in this situation in an interview. Sharleen says she knows she made the right choice for herself because, honestly he doesn't have what she's looking for in a forever. She wishes she did not have to keep making choices. I will truly miss the reason she brought to this season.
As chipper as ever, the group date girls go out to catch their seaplane. JP tells them they'll have a great group date on the beach because there's a rose for one of them and that person is the only one who will continue on to the second portion of the date. Yeah, that's the recipe for a great date. In their one-on-one time, Chelsie pulls out a thick stack of notes from her family. The notes are all like, "have fun" and "keep your clothes on," "don't shame us," etc. Andi spends her time crying while JP clucks at her and tells her not to cry. Andi is feeling emotional and vulnerable, which are two scary things made scarier by being told not to feel them. JP says it's gonna be OK. End of conversation. Andi feels calmed and confident.
Of all the swimsuit cover-ups on this beach, Clare's is the dumbest looking. She spends her solo time talking about her big family and being like :>D. Most of the time, she looks and talks to him kind of like a porn star, but she doesn't slip into that post-slut shaming, speaking of the video her dad made for her future husband before he died. JP responds to her outpouring of emotions by tongue kissing her. We don't even see Renee's time.
Back with the group, JP tells the girls he's giving the rose to the girl whose family he knows he wants to meet. When the rose is presented to Andi, Clare goes from :>) to :>c, saying in an interview that she knows she deserves something wonderful and she has been putting herself out there and what is happening to her doesn't make sense. She says the people who are getting these roses are the ones doubting themselves, the ones who "aren't here for him," and that makes her question "what the fuck am I doing here?" not to be confused with doubt, of course. Clare, Renee, and Chelsie are loaded into the seaplane and fly away, watching JP and Andi make out in the ocean.
JP takes Andi to a club billing "Romeo Santos" in big letters on the marquee outside. "What are we doing?" Andi asks. JP leads her up onto a stage where they awkwardly shuffle around on a small platform and Andi prays she won't break an ankle.
Dejected, the three other girls return to the penthouse. Clare says it sucks to get kicked out of a date, and then sarcastically says at least they get to hang out with Nikki. She's all about positivity, that Clare. Nikki floats down in another backless number to hear that these three girls got booted. Chelsie laughs that it is awkward, and Clare looks at Nikki like :>|. Clare says maybe Andi needed that reassurance and Nikki declares, "that's so stupid," and walks back upstairs. Renee holds back tears, in her own little emotional rain cloud. Clare pursues Nikki for an altercation.
Nikki tells Clare she didn't want to sit around while other people are talking shit about her friend and that's where she felt it was headed. Clare interrupts, demanding to know "who was talking shit?" and this is a conversation that doesn't need to happen. Clare starts ripping into Nikki about how it seems like "our stuff" (when they are disappointed) seems like it's all fun and games to her, and asks her multiple times not to cut her off. She and Jake Pavelka would make a great pair, actually. Nikki says she has nothing to say to Clare, they aren't going to be friends and she can excuse herself. Nikki called it "my room," and so it devolves into a back and forth of "this is not your room," "do you sleep in here?" "did you pay for it?" Rabbit season, duck season, so on and so forth. :>]
At the cocktail party, Renee should be the most nervous. JP takes her aside first and they talk about Juan Pablo as the girls complain about mosquito bites and talk about their jewelry. Chelsie notes that Nikki doesn't willingly participate in a lot of meaningless conversations. Nikki thinks that if JP goes to Clare's hometown, he will learn how she got so crazy. Clare says she's the only one of her five sisters who isn't married, which could serve as a clue. While Nikki speaks with JP, Clare, Renee, and Chelsie agree that he should give them the roses to prove that he has his head on straight and he sees what they see. They are all awful, but no one hates each other as much as Clare and Nikki. That much is established. They sit in silence for a long waste of everyone's time, including ours.
Chris Harrison pops in to remind these women that this is the most important rose ceremony yet. Arguably the most important rose ceremony of their lives, because when else in life is there a rose ceremony? Nothing matters. JP awards roses to Nikki ( :>< ), Clare, then Renee. This leaves Chelsie and her stack of notes out in the cold. Chelsie hugs Juan Pablo, ending her stint with this one night stand who won't go away. Chelsie says that seeing Juan Pablo sad about her leaving makes her feel a little better, and JP says he "cannot be happy right now." OK, but we don't need that negativity in this space, Juan Pablo.