This week, on The Adventures of the Bachelor Who is Turning Less Likable By The Episode: Juan Pablo and his eight-woman harem head to New Zealand where the girls can cry some more over the guy who falls in love with whoever is in front of him at any given second. Clare is still feeling weird about what happened in Vietnam and hopes for the one-on-one date but it goes to Andi, the only one of the remaining girls who hasn't yet had one. Cassandra is jealous of Andi and she and Renee have some time together to commiserate about how hard it is to be away from their kids while taking a chance on loooove.
Before JP and Andi's date, he interviews basically exactly the same thing he says before every single date or interaction with any one of the women: she's great, he feels a connection, this is going to be a great date, blah blah blah. The two of them go on a speedboat down the river, and Andi gushes about how great it is that no one else is around. You know, other than the boat driver. And the camera crew. JP tells us that they are going to something called, "The Squeeze," which is appropriately named it's a spot where you have to wade through freezing water and squeeze yourself in between giant moss-covered boulders. Nothing says romance like claustrophobia and the chills!
Andi handles it quite well, actually, and tells us she likes being taken care of by this guy who is helping her over rocks and whatnot. Seriously, that's the kind of thing any two people would be doing for each other in this treacherous terrain, but hey, let's call it romantic. The reward at the end of The Squeeze is a warm waterfall in a sort of cave, where the JP and Andi make out in the water like they're starring a cheesy music video.
Their dinner that night is at a table set up right in front of a geyser. The two canoodle and eat, but Andi doesn't have much more to say than that she's really starting to fall for him, and JP says she's really cool and fun, like he does about all of these girls. They then turn and watch the water shooting out of the ground which is all fun until a spout shoots up right to them and they get drenched. Somehow, this seems to be a really big surprise even though their table was set up basically on top of a geyser.
Back at the house, the group date card arrives and calls on Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat and Cassandra -- Cassandra is pissed since the day is her 22nd birthday and she wanted some alone time with JP, but Clare is beside herself when she realizes she's got the other solo outing. Clare says she's worried and not sure he wants her there but she's beaming -- a meaner person than me might say gloating in that annoying, coy way girls have -- out of every pore.
Andi and JP find a dry spot to talk, and she asks him where his head is at. When she (unsurprisingly) doesn’t get a clear answer she talks about how much she wants a Great Love and he says he wants the same. He then unzips his jacket to reveal that he saved the rose from the geyser table and he presents it to her. JP thinks she's "great" (can Chris get him a thesaurus? I know there's a bit of a language barrier but JP's quotes about these women actually couldn't be any more boring and generic, especially since he has the same thing to say about every single one -- they are either, "great," "sexy," "fun," or a mishmash of the three), and Andi thinks that their chemistry is "bursting through" like a geyser.
The day, Cassandra's birthday, the girls are all dropped off in a field on a cold and windy day. Poor Cassandra has so many interview bites about how much she likes this guy that I fear she's not going to be on this trip much longer -- though is that really a "fear?" JP is turning out to be so bland and wishy-washy that I'm not entirely sure winning a proposal is as much of a prize as these ladies seem to think. After a picnic, JP leads all the girls to a spot where they can see down the hill to a launch area for those giant, inflatable human hamster balls.
The girls squeal and one of them gushes that JP had them SO fooled because they thought they were just having a gorgeous picnic… but they all have bikinis on under their clothes on this freezing day and that kind of gives away that maybe something else was going to take place. JP dreamily says how awesome it is to switch from ball to ball, rolling around with gorgeous women in bikinis, soaking wet. When it's Nikki's turn, she manages to get in some making out while they roll. And here's how I'm an old lady -- as they are bouncing and rolling around down this track all I can think is, "What if one of you bites the other's lip? That's going to be a bloody mess!"
Afterward, the girls head to Hobbiton for their dinner and cocktail party, and Sharleen is kind of adorable with how much she geeks out -- it's the most unbridled emotion she's shown thus far. Cassandra is still fretting about not having any alone time, and we learn that JP doesn't know it's her birthday which I think is a HUGE tactical error on her part. This is why she'll never "win" -- he's too easily distracted by whatever is in front of him and she's too sweet and quiet to force herself into that position. He calls Renee aside for some alone time, and they both seem really happy, probably because they finally are making out. The Selfie King then takes a picture of them and I wonder just what Future Mrs. JP is going to think of the tons of pictures on his phone of him on dates with other women? Renee still seems to be a frontrunner both because she's genuinely great and also because JP loves that she's a mom.
He pulls Nikki aside , and she decides that she's going to buck her normal pattern of keeping her feelings stuffed down inside and instead tell JP how she feels. Like all of the others, she's scared of getting hurt but she's falling for him and is willing to take the risk, and he parrots back to her that he's scared too. Back at the hobbit-hole, the other girls discuss the dynamics of group dates and figure that now he's going to be awarding a rose to someone he really likes and not just someone he wants to get to know better.
Yet again, Sharleen has lost confidence, and when she gets her alone time she is all business-like and abrupt with him until he sticks his tongue in her mouth. She makes a crack about him cutting to the chase and once she explains what she means, he actually gets a little offended and sits back to talk as if he can't believe she'd want to do anything other than play tonsil hockey. She kisses him again but then asks him what he thinks she is feeling right now. Seriously, his answer could not be any more off-putting than him drawling that she's feeling, "Greeeeeeeat, a little bit scared, but greeeeeeeat." Well… he's got nice abs, if not any sort of instinct for others' feelings. She claims he's right but then when he prods her she admits the process is "a little bit inorganic" and that she's constantly questioning where they are at. He assures her with a few words and his tongue that she shouldn't worry.
Back inside, the girls help Cassandra celebrate her birthday. She's up with JP but instead of mentioning her birthday, she opens up to gush about how great he is as a person and father, and how happy she is to be getting to know him, and that she's feeling like she has a lot of love to give someone. In response, he repeats the word "special" a lot while brushing her hair behind her ear.
Back at the hobbit-hole, Renee says that she wants the rose but (proving again how she's by far the most awesome person there) that she thinks Cassandra needs it more than she does on that particular night, and if someone other than Renee has to win, she hopes it's Cassandra. But the rose goes to Sharleen, and after that, JP invites Cassandra to go back outside and talk again. Girl! Mention your birthday! You wouldn't get dumped on your birthday! He sits her down and tells her again that she's special but reminds her that he promised to let her know if he ever realized that she wasn't the one for him. He starts piling on the compliments -- subbing "gorgeous" for "sexy" this time -- and her face says she knows that this is a Dump Speech. He "lets her go" so that she can see her son two days earlier than expected, and she thanks him for being honest. In the car, she cries about how badly she wants love and how she saw all these things she wanted in him. Oh honey, you are 22, and you're sweet and gorgeous, and you will do a million times better when you find a guy who has more adjectives in his repertoire to describe your awesomeness. The other girls are all shaken up when they find out that he actually, finally sent someone home early. (Barring someone having a crazy, alcohol-fueled breakdown.)
JP Skypes with Camila in advance of his showdown date with Clare. She admits that he went beyond honesty and actually hurt her feelings by saying she was disrespecting his daughter, and Clare might not be my favorite bachelorette, but WORD. If he didn't want his daughter to know about him having secret ocean sex, he should have NOT HAD SECRET OCEAN SEX IN FRONT OF A CAMERA CREW. I have no beef with him realizing after the fact that he might have gone too far, because most of us have had that type of thing happen at some point in our lives, but don't make it entirely Clare's problem, Mr. I'll Go Get My Bathing Suit at 4 AM. They sit down for a picnic by a river and he again assures her that she shouldn't worry about what happened, even going so far as to say it was his mistake; she accepts that but asks him the obvious -- why did he not just say no that night? He says he was caught off-guard and then tries to claim that this is something that she'll find about single parents. What, that they are crappy decision makers who can't take responsibility? I would argue heartily that that isn't at all a single-parent issue and is just a JP issue -- examples A and B being Renee and Cassandra, single parents who are living just fine with their decisions while on a dating show.
Back to the conversation, Clare wants to know where the lines are so that she doesn't accidentally cross one again. And then this guy, who has made out with at least ten other women so far, tells her how he never does anything physical with women in front of his daughter, implying that what happened with Clare is breaking that personal policy. If Camila is even watching this show, which she shouldn't for a long time, there is no difference between what happened in the ocean and earlier when JP hand-picked Clare to canoodle in the hot tub with her legs wrapped around him. I still find JP more dumb than calculating, but his self-absorption has just rocketed through the stratosphere and is nauseating. But instead of telling him he's the king of double standards, Clare somehow melts when he says that he hated making her cry, and they kiss and all is well again. I… don't even know. She was SO CLOSE to winning this round for self-respect, with all her talk about possibly just going home!
The two sit down to dinner and JP baby-talks her and tries to get her to say that her heart is melting for him. She talks a lot about how her pattern is to bolt when things get hard, and she's so glad that for once she talked out an issue and it means so much to her and personal growth and BLAH BLAH BLAH he is still not actually taking responsibility and just sweet-talked you into letting it all go! Ugh. You know what? This has actually brought me around. I now think these two are made for each other. Renee, run for someone else! JP and Clare can talk in circles and think they are deep and in love all day long. Clare says she loves just getting casual and comfortable, so JP brings her a pair of sweats and tells her to get comfy. This charms her to her core since it seems spontaneous (having not been mentioned on the date card) though this was obviously very planned since I doubt he always has Hammer-style sweatpants in the perfect lady-size just in case. Look, I am a fan of sweats, and totally believe that they can be sexy. But… let's not take our style cues from Justin Bieber and his ilk, wearing pants with the crotch on an even plane with one's knees. Just say yes to normal-crotched pants. Almost as important as fugly casual wear, he also gives her a rose.
The day, JP arrives for the rose ceremony in a very nice suit with pants that are about an inch too short, and then goes to gaze at the ladies' pictures at the awkward not-memorial until Chris and sits him down for a man-talk about his feelings and needs. JP claims that what he is looking for tonight is quality and depth of conversation. He then of course does a lot of sighing and teeth gnashing about the quality of all the ladies who are left. When Chris asks, JP says he is feeling like he's going to propose… he just doesn't know to whom. A minor detail.
A limo drops off a group of incredibly nervous ladies and they collectively freak out JP because they are all so quiet and serious. I wonder if they are all as tired as I am of his lament that he has no idea what he's going to do. He pulls Nikki aside first, who is nervous because she usually already has a rose by now, but she's confident in their connection. They flirt a lot, discuss JP's pink underwear, and talk about wanting a happy ending and true love and yadda yadda everything everyone wants. He of course loves how forward she is and they make out.
He then pulls Renee aside, and she admits that she's nervous since she knows that the second JP has doubts, he'll send her home to be with her son. In a rare insightful moment, JP had realized that she's probably feeling this way and he tries to reassure her that things are good between them. He tells us that he loves how her eyes light up when she talks about her son. Kissy, kissy.
Chelsie figures that it's probably going to be her or Kat going home this week, and when she gets her time alone with him, Chelsie admits that she's nervous, and she's looking for love and all sorts of similar shocking revelations. He assures her with what he's said to almost everyone at this point, which is that she's still there for a reason.
Kat then gets her turn alone with JP to make her pitch. She tells him that she's been journaling during this journey, and in doing so she realized that the reason she's afraid to be forward is that she's afraid to be disappointed by someone. She comes by this really honestly due to her horrific history with her dad and likes to take things slow to be more careful. That said, she tells JP that she thinks he wants what she does and he's been so sweet and it makes facing her fears easier. JP is actually very sweet and supportive as she tells her story, but I notice he is staring at her lips much of the time -- and apparently she's the only one he hasn't kissed yet. (Let's let that sink in a moment with regard to everything he's said to Clare, by the way. Done? Let's say it all together: Ew.) I don't think that's a great sign for Kat.
The ladies file in and after Chris welcomes them, JP repeats a lot of sweet nothings about how great they all are and how he thinks his wife is in this group. Unsurprisingly, Nikki gets the first rose and Renee gets the second. JP takes a lot of deep breaths before offering the final rose to Chelsie. Kat is sad, and doles out her goodbye hugs. She cries in the limo, and can't help but mention how much it sucks to be told how awesome and what a great catch she is, and to still be single. On behalf of myself and single women everywhere, honey, I feel you. Back inside, Sharleen is crying and admits she is having fun but feels guilty for being there since she thinks other girls might be better suited to JP than she is. He tells them that they are on their way to Miami week, and then Sharleen admits in a teary interview that if she's not feeling more sure about things week, she thinks it's best that she leave. Girl, SAVE YOURSELF.
Lauren S is a writer who lives and works in Atlanta and hopes you'll accept her rose. She wants everyone to know: "The views expressed in my recaps and anything else I might write on TWoP are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."