Tonight, Juan Pablo and the harem are continuing their adventure in Vietnam, and JP thinks that since one of these ladies might be his wife, it's time to, "Take it to the level." Ladies, he's going to get really serious and only make out with, say, five of you now. (Though what it really probably means is he'll make out with everyone now.) The girls are in a completely ridiculously gorgeous Intercontinental hotel, and to her credit Alli realizes just how awesome it is to be there, husband-hunting aside. If I were to take a drink each time one of the girls said they really wanted a one-on-one date, I'd be too drunk to write the rest of this weecap so let's just take that as a given. The first date card is delivered, and I'm happy to report that Renee finally gets a date, to give her a break from counseling all of these other weeping women. She curls her hair into loose waves, but if Vietnam is anything like Singapore, those are going to last approximately two seconds in the humidity. Andi, meanwhile, tells us if she doesn't get a solo date she's going to start doubting where JP's mind is. Hint: his mind is with ten other women.
JP and Renee have a day in the town of Hoi An ahead of them, which JP promises involves eating weird things. A reality show is not worth its salt if someone isn't eating some poisonous/spiky/whole/unknown creature in a foreign land. Renee is hoping for, finally, a kiss as well as a rose. JP rents them a pedicab and then starts cycling Renee around the city. JP reminds us that they are both 32-year-old single parents and he likes that they are kind of at the same point and want the same things out of life. I like that Renee seems like a levelheaded, caring, quite normal person but I fear that means she might not be long for a reality romance show.
The date card asked if they were the right "fit," and so he takes her to have a dress made. JP reminds us all that he's not just a dad -- he's a guy who likes boobs, as he excitedly watches as her bust is measured. She's all cute and giddy on this date and that's only increased when she tells about how JP went and bought a fan to help cool her down during the fitting. Well, fine, that is actually a super cute little gesture. The two wander the streets and take selfies, like all modern-day couples, and then buy little gifts for their kids -- Renee is smitten. They then hang out on a boat and drink beer, and the only thing making it weird is the giant, unkissed elephant in the room.
That night, Renee dons her beautiful custom purple dress for their date, and JP seems quite delighted by the results. They go into a beautiful restaurant with a table that just happens to already be set for two, and they sit down to talk. JP asks her about Ben's dad and she tells him that they were extremely young when they were married but that now they have managed to forge a good relationship; JP admires how she glows when she talks about Ben and is clearly a good mom. The number of non-kisses is getting uncomfortable -- JP even goes so far as to blow in her face because it's so hot and she leans in… and he then sits back. Ouch.
The group date card arrives at the hotel and asks Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelli, Alli, Danielle (who? Exactly.) and Andi if they can go with the flow. Already it seems that Andi is decidedly not flowing and might in fact be poised for our meltdown.
JP and Renee talk more about dating with kids, but JP is also getting hypnotized by her eyes and this makes him decide to give her the rose. They then go on a long walk, and make wishes on lanterns that they then set to float in the river. Renee of course wishes for a kiss, but JP wants to be respectful of her son so he opts to hold off again. Ladies, be careful what you wish for when you say you want a gentleman. Because weirdly he seems to mean it -- I would think if he wasn't attracted to her he'd maybe, finally, NOT give out a rose? I have no idea.
The morning, JP tells us his group date is going to be fun of traditional Vietnamese activities, the first of which is paddling boats that look like huge half coconuts. JP tells the girls to pair up and as Kelli tells it, Clare has no friends in the house so she winds up alone, which means she actually winds up with the dude they are all fighting over, which then pisses off the other girls. Ladies, you created this situation all on your own. Clare doesn't even try to act anything other than smug, and then when they "accidentally" get stuck in some plants, she uses the chance to make out with JP some more.
Because all of these girls have these cute names that end in "i," I totally thought Nikki was on this date until I saw her back at the hotel, chatting with Renee. "Hotel," by the way, does this amazing, palatial, hillside suite no justice. I want to go to there. Nikki makes a snide crack during an interview about how she always gets the rose on a group date, and though it seemed rather artfully cut off, like maybe she tried to laugh it off afterwards, I again would remind everyone that the world is going to see this later? So maybe try to at least fake being decent? Nikki apparently uses all of her niceness up with her child patients and can't manage it with anyone else.
Chelsie wins me over when she tells us that basically, so far she's had a wonderful, romantic, fun date with Alli. They group walks down a dirt path and when they run into a man tending his garden, JP asks him if there is anywhere to eat nearby and by golly, he is just nice enough to invite them in and happens to have a nice big table and traditional hats and baskets enough for ten people. Isn’t that a marvelous coincidence? The girls are led outside to a community farm and they all work on picking food for their meal. Andi is still freaking out so she goes to talk to JP who points out that she got a group date rose which means he does actually like her, and he asks her to trust him. She immediately melts and decides to do so while the other girls all glare at them. When Clare nabs a seat near JP, Kelli is actually pretty awesome as she bitches about it but implies that she's got some respect for how masterfully Clare is playing the game.
All of the girls say that the day was awesome, but really they all like they happened to be along for the ride while Clare had a one-on-one. This only gets worse when he picks her first for some alone time. One of the girls wonders if Clare and JP have made it to second base, and since he opts to take her to his suite and make out in his Jacuzzi with her legs wrapped around his waist, I'm going to go with, "Yes." Back with the others, Andi sulks.
Up on the hill, Nikki hangs out in a silk bathrobe like the lady of the manor and has Renee answer the door when the date card arrives. The card says, "Let's have a hell of a good time."
Sharleen is wearing a sexy maxi dress that is backless almost down to her assets and of course she's doubting their connection again. She manages to make some of these moments alone with JP feel like interrogations (so, like online dating then -- wait, is that only me who feels that way?) but JP frenches his way out of any awkwardness.
Andi and Danielle bond over not yet having had one-on-one dates and then Andi uses her alone time with JP to fish for compliments and reassurance that she's special. He takes her to the beach (where I think he may have figured out that they have a bit more privacy because there are no lights) and the two start making out like teenagers. And STILL we see ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of Danielle. There has to be some story that we don't know (yet), right? Because it's like there might as well be a crash test dummy on these dates. She's just another warm body to even out the numbers for coconut boating. I am getting as obsessed with finding out her story as Clare is to wrap her legs around JP's chiseled bod. Clare gets one step closer to doing more of that when she then wins the rose and the eternal hatred of all the other ladies.
Frustrated Andi is still frustrated. Gloating Clare is still gloating. She's so drunk on power that she says she's going to bed, but instead goes to JP's suite and knocks on his door to see if he'll fulfill her dream of finally swimming in a warm ocean. That's a very interesting way to say she wants to score some extra time and a hookup. JP can't resist alone time with a pretty lady, so he completely goes along with it. Clare tells us that they went for it: "Pure bliss, in every way." Her eyebrow raise and victorious grin say that those bathing suits might not have stayed on under the water, and if JP is currently engaged to anyone but Clare, there are some very heated phone calls that will be taking place tonight.
Nikki puts on her best sequined, Kardashian-esque headband for her one-on-one date, but unfortunately for her, JP is still thinking a lot about Clare. He and Nikki sit down to visit and she gushes about how happy she is to be alone with him and away from the rest of the catty bitches. The two of them then go on a long walk, and Nikki is all happy and smug until they get to this horrifying, deep cave that goes down so deep you see nothing but black. She tries to pretend that this is awesome but her voice has raised to a squeak, and she almost passes out when he tells her that they are going to rappel down to the bottom. This cave, incidentally, is called "Hell," which is apropos for Nikki since she is terrified of heights. And this is reason number five million why I would never go on this (or any) reality show -- someone always, ALWAYS, has to do some sort of climbing/jumping/rapelling/general vomitous activity and it's ALWAYS the one who is afraid of heights. The girl afraid of heights is never the one who gets to have a dress made and then drink beer on a boat. Nikki is pretty certain she's going to perish, but tries very hard to trust JP when he tells her they'll be fine. At first she literally freezes with fear, but she finally manages to get part of the way down before she begins to fully panic. JP has them rest on a ledge, and then kisses her, and since his kisses are magic it gives her the courage to climb down the rest of the way. There is so much reward tongue once they are down on the ground.
The two of them then get changed to have dinner in the cave, and they talk about how tired they are. Nikki is exhausted from emotional and physical exertion, while JP admits he was out late… and then just says he's not a morning person instead of admitting that he sent the night getting intimately acquainted with another woman. He asks Nikki why she became a nurse and why she chose to work with kids, and she talks about the innocence and hope she sees in them and how they warm her heart. Look, I can't mock that. She talks about her huge heart and how not everyone realizes she has one -- I would suggest that maybe not acting like a jerk around adults might be a good start? She admits she was hesitant to date someone with a kid but realizes that having a kid probably made JP who he is today, and like all of the others, she admits that she's really starting to have feelings for him. And of COURSE she gets the rose, along with a lot more making out.
The ladies are all taken on a boat to this amazing patio filled with colored lanterns, and Renee is still hoping for a first kiss. JP laments yet again how the rose ceremony only gets harder each week, and this week is the worst because he's actually sending home three of them. Clare seems perturbed, and I can't help but think that she's upset he's not sending home ten of them. She then gives a toast to, "finding love, being loved, and making love," just in case we didn't already understand what specific magic took place in the waves the other night.
JP calls Andi aside first, assures her that she shouldn't be nervous and charms her with another kiss. Somehow, despite being so free with his saliva, he still hesitates to kiss Renee and she claims to understand and respect it, but her giggles gives away her frustration. JP thinks her 8-year-old would be pissed at him for kissing his mom but Renee assures him that Ben knows what she's doing and wouldn't be mad. While that might be a little much to attribute to a child, JP excitedly dives in for a kiss before she even finishes her sentence. I'm relieved because I'm pretty much Team Renee at this point.
After that, JP goes off on his own to mull over his decisions thus far and realizes that it wasn't very fair to go off and have secret ocean sex with one of them, and he might have gone too far. He takes Clare for (more) alone time, and at first she giggles about how she thinks no one knows, but with a tone that says she hopes everyone knows. She's shocked down to her high heels when JP admits that he feels weird about what happened. She tells him that she was acting as if there were no other girls or cameras around, and he understands that but points out that those two things are in fact around and he's got lots of ladies to romance. He then admits that Camila might feel weird about what they did, and Clare falls apart. He begs her to stop crying and assures her everything is fine but she can't get over him using the Young Impressionable Daughter card. She pretty much gets herself under control but her body language says she can't get away fast enough. She tells us in an interview that she's shocked because everything that happened was mutual, and I do think she genuinely believed that maybe JP was just going to pull a Bachelor shocker and dismiss all of the other girls in one crying swoop. Well, she wouldn't have been the first, I'm sure.
When they rejoin the group, everyone realizes that things are suddenly weird, and Clare can't handle it and leaves. The others join her in the bathroom but don't take too much notice of her tears since she already has a rose. JP finds her outside and tries again to assure her that they are fine and they are moving on. She asks why he didn't turn her down the other night and he says he was overcome by hormones didn't want to take away that emotion that she had. That's a very Bachelor-esque, vague, nonsensical statement if I ever heard one.
He then goes back to the group and they ask about Clare; she finally runs up and continues to cling to the excuse that she's having allergies. Danielle gets the most camera time she's had all season to speak for all of the women when she says they are as confused as fuck. Chris comes to take JP away and the girls all sort of stare at each other in befuddlement.
JP stares at the photos of the remaining women, which are framed and surrounded by candles like some tragic memorial. Chris gathers the women and acknowledges that the mood changed but thinks it's a good sign that everyone is taking this as seriously as it's meant to be at this point in the game. Do you think he's ever run off-camera and burst into giggles after saying things like that with such a straight face and somber tone?
JP then comes up; Nikki, Renee and Clare already have their roses and he gives others out to Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie and Kat. This leaves four stone-faced contenders as Chris comes and solemnly announces the final rose. After a lot of deep breathing, it goes to…Andi. After the goodbyes, JP is actually crying. Kelli handles it pretty well, but that's probably because Molly is waiting for her at home. Alli is sad but wishes JP the best. And Danielle… we truly never knew ye! She admits that she knew there wasn't a strong connection between them -- so I guess that was all it was, that there was never anything to show. Well, they can't all be having secret sex in the ocean. (Presumably.)
Lauren S is a writer who lives and works in Atlanta and hopes you'll accept her rose. She wants everyone to know: "The views expressed in my recaps and anything else I might write on TWoP are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."