Chris says good morning to the women -- bleary-eyed and makeup-free they are, this early in the day. A few should really consider calling their lawyers and getting a court order to destroy this footage -- and talks about how it's important to move on. Yeah, so no fucking any of the producers this week! We're serious this time! Anyway, he's got the date card. It's for Vienna: "Let's fall head over heels together. Jake." "I'm ecstatic!" she tells us. Michelle, who thinks of herself as "very attractive," is pissed off about it, and Vienna might be making a few enemies as she blathers on about how excited she is to show Jake her fun side. Ali is particularly perturbed. She figured that after her one-on-one date with Jake, he wasn't going on any with any other women, apparently.
Jake tells us that he thinks Vienna is "intense" and "the life of the party" and she's, you guessed it, out of his "comfort zone." As always, the woman is a type who the Bachelor is not used to dating at all. It would be amusing to see the reverse: "Yeah, I've dated lots like her. I totally know how she operates."
Jake likes adventure dates, and Vienna's "definitely the woman to do it with." Oh, he means an "adventure date." Sweet. Three episodes in, and our first helicopter ride. "Being in the helicopter with Jake right to me, holding my hand, is the most amazing feeling," Vienna tells us. Did you know she wants to get that rose? The helicopter passes over the bachelorette house, where the other women are lying out in the sun and talking shit about Vienna. Kathryn says Vienna has definitely "ruffled some feathers" and she doesn't know if Vienna will come home with a rose, one of those classic "the women don't like her, therefore Jake won't either" moments.
So the helicopter flies over the cliffs and valleys, but Jake is looking uncomfortable because he knows what's coming : there's an apparatus set up on a high bridge, and Vienna starts mildly freaking out, because she's scared of heights. As is Jake, and he tells us that people think it's crazy when he tells them he's scared of heights (what with him being a pilot and all). Why the hell are they doing this if they're both scared of heights? It's not like one day knowing how to bungee jump is going to save your life. You don't need the experience to succeed in your career. Vienna says they looked over the bridge and they both started panicking. Jake tells us it was about a hundred-foot drop. And they drag out the jump for an incredibly long time, considering they've shown us in the previews that they did it. Is the way Jake's whimpering on Vienna's shoulder supposed to be a turn-on? My three-year-old would have been over the edge twenty minutes ago. After five hours, they jump off, tethered together, and then they make out while dangling upside down, and Jake says this is what he needs, is for them to overcome their fears together as a couple. Yeah, like if I'm scared of snakes, I should go climb into the fucking boa constrictor cage at the zoo, so I could get over my fear of creepy reptiles that can kill you, right?
Much later, they're having wine and of course still talking about how amazing they are for jumping off a bridge, like it's been fifteen minutes of this. Jake tells Vienna that he's looking for someone who's really nurturing. Mama's boy, hey? He thanks her for helping him when he wet his pants over bungee jumping. And then they talk for another five hours about the goddamn bungee jump, and then they toast each other, and then they kiss. Jake says he absolutely knows that Vienna is "here for the right reasons" but he needs to make sure she's at a place in her life when she's ready for a relationship. They sit on about a hundred cushions and talk about how it's important to be friends, she deserves a good relationship or something, and Jake says something about chemistry.
Ella's concerned because she hasn't had a date yet, and here comes the group date card for Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashley, Jessie, Kathryn and Michelle; "Love is no laughing matter. Or is it? Jake." Look, we've all seen the preview with Jon Lovitz. Our sense of queasy foreboding is growing by the moment. Michelle is plotting murder, because it's no fun that other people exist and therefore get in the way of her husband-procuring plan. Ella, Gia and Valishia are not going on a date. Tenley says she doesn't think Vienna's returning tonight. Why? Because she's confident Jake's going to see what the other women see.
Right now, Jake is seeing a bikini-clad Vienna as they get into a hot tub, and he thanks her for helping him jump off that bridge like SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE BUNGEE JUMPING ALREADY! GOD! I mean, if you can't think of ANYTHING else to talk about for the rest of the night? This is not going to work. Jake gets out of the pool to go and get the rose, and then he blathers on about how great she is and he always asks "stern questions" and she always has "great answers" like what is he even talking about? "I'm on cloud Jake right now," Vienna tells us. And then they are making out in the pool. "I'm having the best time of my life, and I think he's absolutely amazing. Jake's my Prince Charming," she says. She says this was the best day of her life so far, except for when she marries Jake.
And then we go back to the house with Vienna, many of the women openly agog that she's returned. Vienna blithely blathers on about how intense her date was, completely oblivious to the murderous stares, not just from Michelle, either. Ashleigh says she'd rather watch paint dry than listen to Vienna talk about her date with Jake. Ali is a little "shooken up" that Vienna came home with a rose.
So the group date (Michelle contrives some excuse to run out ahead of the other women and give Jake a big hug) is at the "Jon Lovitz Comedy Club," Jake tells us, but all the shots of the club I see just say "comedy club," and Jake introduces Lovitz, and the women all go nuts, because they've all been waiting to see a comedian who is 20 years removed from the public consciousness. It's like the comedy version of "classic band" Chicago appearing on the show. Apparently the women are going to be telling the jokes tonight, and I'm starting to wonder if this show isn't just some kind of game for the producers, a game in which they keep trying to see just how ridiculous shit has to be before people stop watching.
Back at the house, another date card shows up. Vienna reads it. It's for Ella. In a talking head, she does something called "spirit fingers" which is supposed to convey how excited she is? I guess? But instead it makes her seem kind of deranged? "Let's lift off to another world. Jake." Vienna then completely date-jacks her by breezily talking about how awesome a one-on-one date with Jake is.
Meanwhile, Lovitz is giving tips to the women on how to tell jokes. Standard stuff like be conversational. Think about talking to one person. How about this one, Lovitz: "Save your money." Ashleigh's crying, she's so nervous. She cries in the talking-head talking about it, but she's got on the same outfit so it's more than likely an interview that happened right there. She's having a hard time, and normally she's so "calm and collective." Hee! Jake comes over to give her a joke, and he writes one down for her. Only two punchlines are acceptable: "Poker? Hardly know 'er!" and "Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!"
Then Jon Lovitz tells us that they're going to be performing for a packed house, and they don't believe him, so they go to the railing on the balcony to look over at all the people filing in, like the fact they're coming in en masse like this ought to have been some kind of tip-off that this is a rigged audience, but the women start to freak out just a little bit more.
The emcee at the club seems to have forgotten it's the "Jon Lovitz Comedy Club," because that's not what he calls it. Jon Lovitz comes out, calls himself "J-Lo," refers to his crotch as the "Thunder Down Under" so THANKS FOR ALL THE COMEDY TIPS, Jon Lovitz. Seriously? Were those the only two jokes he did? Because you only had time for two jokes, and you picked those two to show?
Ali is up first. She asks why Tigger was licking the toilet. He was looking for Pooh! Jessie reads her jokes off a piece of paper. Tenley tries to put her legs behind her head, and she can't even do that, so she probably loses points in a couple of categories for Jake. Elizabeth tells some raunchy joke that I can't really make out because she gets bleeped. Something to do with fucking some guy, apparently, and Jake is all, "Yet I can't kiss her! Jake confused, and intrigued!" Kathryn just brings Jake on stage so she can kiss him. By this point, I'm imagining the black people in the audience thinking, "That night we saw Michael Richards was funnier than this."
And then, doing comedy like Jack Ruby did Lee Harvey Oswald, Michelle starts talking about coconuts missing from palm trees, and then looks at her breasts and says they're there, and they're waiting for Jake. And you can hear the crickets. Then, somehow even more horrifyingly, she talks about going golfing and then being on the green how her hole is waiting for her one-on-one time. I SWEAR TO GOD SHE SAID THAT. Even the Jeff Foxworthy-loving dude in the audience is shaking his head. Ashleigh doesn't come down when Lovitz calls her, so Corrie comes on, and she does impressions of the other bachelorettes, which all the strangers in the audience who DON'T KNOW THESE WOMEN must have appreciated. Especially since her impressions all consist of saying, "Hi, I'm [name of bachelorette]!" and then adding "I like to work out" "I like my blonde hair!" etc. You know the way you would impersonate people when you were a kid? "Duh, I'm stupid Steven! Duh duh duh!" That's what this was like. Then she launches into Vienna, talking about how she likes to talk shit about the other women and walk around topless. The other women are killing themselves laughing. Jake says he was concerned about that, since the other women are apparently seeing a side of Vienna that he doesn't. Maybe it should concern you that Corrie comes off jealous and vicious, you idiot.
Then Ashleigh comes out and tells blonde jokes. Are these the ones Jake wrote down for her? Nice. People in the audience are killing themselves: "Blonde people ARE stupid! It's hilarious because it's true!"
Anyway, later they're at this club called The Roosevelt for the "wrap party." Can we please stop calling these "wrap parties"? Jake toasts the other women, saying he's so proud of them. For what? They sucked! Tenley gets some one-on-one time, and she's scared to tell Jake what she needs to tell him. At this point I'd like to remind her that she got divorced, not syphilis. But the fact that she still seems to be hung up on the guy who left her OUGHT to be a concern for any guy. Oh, wait. Her deal is non-virgin guilt, apparently, because she saved herself for her wedding night, so any future husband isn't going to get to be the first, or whatever, like welcome to the 21st century, Tenley. She's crying, and Jake hugs her, and Jake tells us it made him like her more, because she went through that, whatever that means, and then they make out. It's not like he's going to tell the other women that he's disappointed they're not divorced.
And now Ashleigh wants to talk to him, because she's pissed that he "wasted" a rose on Vienna. And that's what she tells him: that the other women ("girls" is the word she uses, which from the immaturity of all of this might be more accurate) were livid, and she completely runs Vienna down. "I'm realizing that she's the controversial figure in the house, and bless her heart she's not even here to defend herself on the date," Jake tells us.
Right now she's defending herself from the other women at the mansion. They are laying into Vienna, with Gia bitching at her but somehow trying to tell Vienna that she's the only person there for her. Vienna calls Gia fake, which Gia can't believe, and Vienna gets upset and leaves, and Gia says, "She wanted drama, she got her drama." Is there anyone on this show more annoying than the person who talks about how other women are out for drama? In her room, a crying Vienna says, "They hate me because I'm real and I say it how it is."
Ali hasn't spent any time with Jake since their one-on-one time, so she's wondering what the deal is. The deal is that there are like a DOZEN WOMEN WHO ARE ALSO DATING HIM, you dingbat. So Jake takes her aside and tells her he'd love it if she'd continue to be one of his options to occasionally make out with and then maybe whittle down to just one of a few to sleep with before deciding whether she's one of a couple that he wants to propose to. This must be like a dream come true! She starts alluding to how wrong it was for Vienna to get a rose, and he tells her that all he can know about a person is what he sees and what other people tell him. I'd argue that he really shouldn't worry about what other people say.
So then the other women are still talking shit about Vienna, and Ali raises a toast for Corrie for being the Shit-Talk Vienna pioneer or something, and Michelle won't participate, because she thinks when she gets one-on-one time with Jake it's just going to be about her and Jake. So that's something.
Michelle says her one-on-one time is her only concern, and Ali warns her that Jake will want someone who can get along with other people, and it's rather presumptive of Ali to assume that Jake's going to pick a woman based on her ability to get along with the other women who ARE GOING TO BE ELIMINATED, AFTER ALL, and Michelle shuts her down, and Ali says she was just trying to help (she wasn't), and Michelle goes off on wanting a husband and having babies, and Elizabeth tells us Michelle needs a therapist before she needs a husband. It gets more and more obvious that Michelle doesn't want Jake, she wants a husband.
So she gets some one-on-one time, and she talks tearfully to Jake about how she wants love, and she asks if it would be awkward if she asked him to kiss her. You mean more awkward, right? And they share a little peck, and Michelle says "you gotta give me more than that" and the other women are watching for "body language" and Jake is really uncomfortable and says he just wants this night to be over, and she talks about how maybe she should just go home, and Jake's all, "I think it's best if you do go," and she can't believe it, so he walks her to the curb. Bluff called, Michelle. "I'm not going to let another girl go when you don't even know if you want to be here," Jake tells us.
Crying on the sidewalk, Michelle says she really wanted to find a husband. Well, then, good job coming on a show that means you have your choice of ONE guy, and you're competing against twenty-four other women. Anyway, Michelle apparently thinks she was the odds-on favorite: "Certain people felt that I was the girl," says. The other voices in your head don't count, Michelle. God, I feel bad for the women who react like going on The Bachelor is like their final, last-ditch experimental treatment for some rare disease that's going to kill them if it doesn't work.
Then Jake comes back to the other women to tell them what happened and how he's so sensitive that he's not going to give out a rose tonight because things have just been so crazy or whatever, and I think he's not doing anyone any favors by not saying "You're all lame and no one deserves a rose" and he walks away and the women spend a little time talking about how "amazingly strong" Jake is for some reason (can we please please PLEASE stop with the sanctification of the Bachelor/Bachelorette for merely not being selfish assholes?), and then a little time talking about how Vienna should be the one eliminated.
Ella's very excited about her date. "I feel like it's my wedding day!" she says. Shit, dial it back, Ella! "I think Ella is a wonderful woman, and I'm really excited to see where our relationship's going to go," Jake tells us. Then he talks about the sacrifices Ella's made to be here, since she left a son behind to be here. Sounds more like her son's sacrifice, if you ask me. Which is not to criticize her necessarily. The kid's probably having a great visit with his grandparents or something. But I'm also tired of the contestants being praised for "making sacrifices" or "putting their lives on hold" or whatever bullshit. They're not digging wells for impoverished villages in Africa or anything. Any "sacrifices" they're making are entirely self-imposed and avoidable.
So a helicopter lands in the courtyard, and this show is really overdoing it with the helicopters, I have to say. Ella doesn't know where they're going, but she doesn't care. "I want him to know everything about me."
Vienna says none of the other women slept in the same room as she did last night. "The best thing for me to do is be the bigger person," she tells us. She apologizes to the other women, and says they're going to take their feelings into account. Gia hugs her. Ali, however, gets ugly about it, and reminds her that she wasn't upset because Jake went on a one-on-one with someone else, but because he went on a one-on-one with Vienna. So now Vienna's crying. Ashleigh apparently thinks that's a good thing, because "anyone can apologize." Funny, then, that Vienna's the only one who has.
So the helicopter takes Jake and Ella to SeaWorld, which apparently is, like the amusement park, not open to the public so these two can selfishly have the place to themselves. Jake's got a special surprise for her, and what else could it possibly be but her son? Her son comes running up to them, and considering the way the kid's slapping the pavement, it's pretty obvious that Ella was purposely not turning her head to look, so I'm guessing they had to film this more than once.
So then they go see the dolphins play and the killer whale do some tricks, and now we see some actual admission-paying members of public allowed into the park. The three of them have their run of the place, and Jake and Ethan go into the penguin habitat. Ella says she normally doesn't let men meet her son this early, but after a staged hyper-romantic date with a guy who knows his every action and utterance is being recorded, she knows he'd make a great father.
And then there's more with the dolphins, and then they look at the polar bears, and Ella wants to nominate Jake for sainthood because he got a little toy plane for Ethan. So there's a lot of time with Jake and Ethan talking about the plane, and what a sweet, smart kid Ethan is. Jake tells Ella that he was worried Ella might think it was too early to bring Ethan into the picture. Suuure he did. Ella tells us that it's not too early because she would want to see how they interact, etc. So she's either lying to him or she lied to us about how normally she never lets a man meet Ethan this early.
So she talks about domestic life and how she wants to cuddle and watch a movie, and Jake asks her about being engaged, and she says she could definitely see herself engaged to Jake, and she wants more children, and she wants what Trista and Ryan have. And Ella's over the moon about how nice Jake is with Ethan. "He looks like he could be Ethan's daddy!" Do all the other men you meet beat your son or something?
Michelle gets more one-on-one time, where she tries to justify the kiss, tries to justify her bullshit behavior and recalibrate her reasons as he points out the inconsistencies in her justifications. Even with her ship rapidly sinking, Elizabeth says she'll be surprised and shocked and hurt if she doesn't get picked.
Jake looks at all the pictures of the women. Where's the dartboard with Rozlyn's picture on it? Jake says he trusts his heart to not let him send the wrong women home. Again: you picked Rozlyn, Jake.
Harrison commiserates with the women over what a tense week it's been, and then Jake comes in and thanks them for putting their lives on hold to do this, which is the kind of thing you'd say to doctors in Médicins Sans Frontiers. He says to the two women he's not picking tonight, that this was a horrible decision, but the woman he does want to give his heart to, he believes she's in this room tonight.
First rose: Gia. Apart from her dust-up with Vienna, she seems kind of nice, and secure in whether Jake likes her. Corrie. Then Tenley. Then Ali, Jessie (who again I don't think said two sentences tonight) and Kathryn. Final rose goes to Ashleigh.
Valishia (again, completely under the radar), gracefully thanks Jake and hugs him. She seems strong about it outside, but her face kind of crumples a little bit when she says she's used to things not going her way. Oh, dear. Don't cry! She seems nice. Not that we'll ever know. Elizabeth still goes for the smiling coquettish look as she asks Jake "what happened?" and he says he had to go with his heart. "I should have kissed you," she says, LIKE QUIT WITH THE KISSING, Elizabeth. Then again, I'm not surprised. Her reasoning seems to be "You would put up with a lot of my crap if I just kiss you." Outside, she's perplexed and a little hurt.
The credits run over Jake's "You know you're The Bachelor when..." comedy routine back at the comedy club, which puts a nail in the coffin of the streak of credits codas that make the people on this show seem funnier and more likeable than anything else in the preceding two hours. Having said that, Jake dispatching Elizabeth (done matter-of-factly but not coldly) was one of the more surprising things I've seen since covering this show, and he deserves credit for unapologetically refusing to put up with any more bullshit than he's required to.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland, which is at least a half-hour ahead of the rest of North America, with a wife and a daughter. He's not watching The Bachelor for the right reasons. Follow him on Twitter or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.