Tonight: it's the most stomach-churning second half of a season finale ever! Are you kidding me with this? The first nine minutes, no joke, are a recap of what happened yesterday. I mean, I know I always exaggerate and say, "So after, like, half an hour of 'previously on' scenes..." but this was actually nine minutes. Because that's just how stupid this show thinks you are, America. I mean, either you watched three hours of this suckfest yesterday and you thought "in for a penny, in for a pound" and figured you'd watch tonight, and yet this show figures your little pea brains can't remember anything that happened, OR you wondered why the hell the status updates of half the women in your Facebook friends list seem to be a call for the head of Jason Mesnick, in which case you probably already have some idea what happened.
So after the first commercial we're almost a quarter of the way through the show. "How could Jason have made such a mistake? Should he have tried harder to make it work?" asks Chris Harrison. And they've brought back, again, some of the bachelorettes: Nikki, Erica, Naomi, Stephanie and ... I want to say Lauren? No, Kari. It's Kari. Nikki says it was shocking to see such a tearful situation. Stephanie talks about watching him in that "gut-wrenching pain" on the balcony after he let go of Molly. You mean the big fake crocodile tears? Stephanie thinks things are going to work. Erica says she was "flabbergasted" and figured that Jason should have taken a step back because this is such a big decision. Yeah, well, edge a little bit closer to figuring out why this show is so fucked up, Erica. You'll get there.
Naomi says she literally wanted to put her fist through the screen and punch him, because "Molly's my girl." I think that's because she thinks her television actually has little people inside it. Lauren says it takes a lot of integrity to do what he did on national television. I SWEAR TO GOD, THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID.
Chris goes into the audience to find out what people with too much time on their hands have to think. One woman says since he went through a failed marriage, he should have known what it was like. Then some other woman says she thinks he made a great decision. I think whatever Mr. Cutie-Pie Jason-Wason Mesnick decided would have been a great decision.
Harrison asks if anyone in the audience is really mad, and there's some woman who thinks it was awful, and another woman who had tears in her eyes watching it, and then there's some schlub who gets the microphone because Harrison wants a man's opinion, and buddy says he could never go from having that kind of reaction on the balcony to asking someone to marry him. People are applauding. People love to applaud in this audience. It's amazing how ABC managed to find the only people in America who wouldn't prefer to throw rotten tomatoes at Jason.
Stephanie says it's better to do this now than be married for a year and have it not be working, and then some more nimrods are applauding. Are these people under the impression that everyone's mad just because it didn't work out between Jason and Melissa? Let me explain something to you pinheads: This is The Bachelor. We already know things aren't going to work out. They never work out. We know this because this show has to keep going back to the Trista/Ryan well, because the couples always split up. People are mad at Jason because a) he dumped Melissa on national television; and b) he goes from agonized face from dumping Molly to proposing to Melissa, and then goes from agonized face from dumping Melissa to making out with Molly, which means c) he's a big phoney.
Back from commercial. There are enough candles on set for almost any occult ceremony you could think of. Jason comes out to the cheers and applause of people who really need lives. Harrison asks what he thought the reaction would be. Jason says he doesn't know, because he admits it wasn't the "classiest" move ever. Of course, if he's ever seen one of these stupid After the Final Rose specials, he'd realize the audience isn't exactly crammed with cynical people who only watch the show for its train-wreck qualities.
Anyway, then we have to watch Jason dump Melissa again. Jason has the good grace to look chastened as he watches Melissa tear up when she says he took her chance to just be engaged just once.
"I'm not proud of what I did to her," says Jason. Well, how understated of you. He says he made the right choice for all of them though, because things were different, and he was in love with someone else. Again, he paints the decision as a choice between a) Humiliatingly dumping someone on national television, or b) going through with a loveless marriage. Idiot.
Harrison tells him some people are very upset and hurt. "Do you get that? And what do you say to them?" Jason: "Me me me me me me me me me." He still tries to pretend that he was honestly in love with Melissa. Except for the part of him that was broken up over dumping Molly, which grew and grew and grew, I suppose. However, while I can understand thinking Jason's a self-involved phoney, who, other than Melissa, is hurt? Anybody who feels "hurt" by what happened on this show needs to get outside every once in a while.
Harrison asks Jason if he can show his son Ty what he did and look him in the eye and be proud of what he did. Jason says yes (even though a moment ago he said he wasn't proud of what he did). Just keep digging your hole deeper, loser.
So the spin-doctoring continues, with Jason explaining why Molly is so much better for him while doing his best to talk up how awesome a wife Melissa would be, and it has something to do with Molly being his "best friend," which, if you'll recall, was the death knell for Jillian, and that Molly challenges him.
Apparently, Melissa was invited to be on the show tonight, but she said no. Huh. Because Jason would have us believe that there is no other choice than to play out your relationship in front of the cameras. Anyway, good for you, Melissa. She did send a note though for Harrison to read: "Strange as it may sound, I am doing well," she writes, adding that she doesn't regret anything. Doesn't sound strange to me. She didn't know Jason that well, and then he dumps her and reveals himself to be a spineless weasel. I'm sure Melissa's juuust fine. "A typical attitude from Melissa, right?" says Harrison. "She's the best!" agrees Jason. Well, second best, right, Jason?
Harrison tells us we're going to find out who the Bachelorette is going to be, as if second runner-up Jillian's unremarked-upon absence hasn't already confirmed the rumors.
So Harrison asks if everyone's wondering what Molly was really thinking when Jason told her he'd broken up with Melissa. Let me guess: Okay, what's my line? We went over this! Molly comes out to wild cheers. And we have to watch Jason tell us he's decided he wants to be in her pants after all again. WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! YOU'RE ONLY MAKING US ANGRIER! So the little picture-in-picture lets us watch Molly's reaction to her reaction to what Jason's saying. She can't help herself from laughing at herself for looking all confused. Yeah, this is hilarious, Molly! At least we can say the two of them deserve each other. Well, then some of the audience is chuckling, too, and then they applaud and cheer when Molly and Jason hug (in the clip from last night). Yay, people on television! Teach us how to live! I want to be like you!
Harrison asks if she was expecting Jason to ask for a second shot. She tells us that coming back from New Zealand was the toughest thing she went through, and showing up for the first After the Final Rose special, she was just looking for answers. She also says her feelings didn't just go away. Is she going to say anything that she didn't already tell us last night?
She tells us that after their reunion, she grilled him pretty hard, about why, if he knows now that he wants to be with her, didn't he know that day in New Zealand, etc. I really think she should be asking the reverse question: if he didn't want to be with her in New Zealand, how is she supposed to believe he wants to be with her now? Harrison asks her what the reaction has been. When was this one filmed? Was it filmed today? I mean, the first part aired just last night, so how much reaction has she endured? Molly says her morals and character have been called into question, which is unfortunate. "People tend to forget we're not just characters on a TV show," she says. I don't know if that's true. I think people who go on reality shows are more than happy to accept the praise and applause for what they do, but if what they do bothers people, that's not fair game to comment on? Besides that, let me repeat: It's not about breaking up with Melissa. It's about doing it on national television and pretending to be upset and then making out with the woman he dumped her for, like, fifteen minutes later. Anyway, luckily for her she's got Jason to lean on (for now) and she's happier than ever right now. Well, until Jason realizes that when DeAnna came to see him that there was something inside of him that grew and grew until he realized he was still in love with DeAnna still. All the best, Molly!
So after another blessed commercial break, Jason comes back to kiss Molly, and all the dingbats with the shiny overinvested smiles in the audience are cheering, and now these two are being painted as this romantic couple because it's so hard to do this with all the added pressure, and now Harrison's presenting Jason as obviously being really in love because he would go through all this for Molly, and so NOW HE'S A HERO for doing what he did.
So how are things going? They're going great, says Molly, adding that because of everything they went through in New Zealand, they have a greater appreciation for each other. Which is kind of the opposite of how the rest of America feels about you two after watching what went on in New Zealand.
"We're in love! We are so happy!" says Jason. Jason, it is clear, can't figure out that nobody outside of maybe this studio audience believes anything he has to say. They've seen each other a handful of weekends since last night's After the Final Rose special, we're told. "I think it's gotten better every single weekend," says Molly. Harrison asks if she's moving to Seattle. She is. Everyone cheers. "What do you think the opinion of you guys will be as you move forward?" asks Harrison. I believe I can answer that, Harrison. Here's what people will think: "Jason and Molly who?" Jason says something about following his heart. Note to Molly: we now know that means that if he has doubts, if he decides he likes someone better, he'll withdraw, he won't work on it, and he'll dump you. Which, as has been said, is already par for the course on this show.
And then Harrison brings out a tent, because wasn't it hilarious how everyone thinks they got all freaky in the tent only they really didn't? This show makes me want to light people on fire.
So who's going to be the new Bachelorette? Who are we going to like at first and then slowly come to despise by the end of the season? Yep. Jillian. Goddammit. I like Jillian. I like her now. So do you, America. But season you're going to watch her in episode after episode blather about how she knows what it feels like to be on the other side, only she never knew how difficult it would be to do the choosing, and how hard it is to let people go, and we're supposed to feel sympathy for people who choose to go on reality shows about love and then figure out it sucks.
And she babbles about how she's been a fan of the show since day one, and always thought the bachelorettes were so lucky, and ABC is "magical" because it found 25women who were so great for Jason (and then, presumably, ditched them all in favor of the twenty-five who were actually on the show?), and it's "surreal" for her to be here, and yeah, maybe this show is unorthodox, but there's also Internet dating and blind dating, so this is a different world or whatever, and what any of this has to do with anything I have no idea and she talks a mile a minute.
And then she jokes about how she's not a good actress, and she was skeptical, but the feelings were real, and she just doesn't want her dad to have to see any more hot tub scenes, and I can't believe her dad survived the massive heart attack I presume he had when he saw the hot tub scene.
So that's it, America. Let's all make a pact. We like Jillian now. We hate this show. Let's continue to like Jillian, ignore the show and let it get canceled, all right?
Oh, who are you kidding. You'll be back. You're always back. At least I get paid for this.
Discuss this episode in the Bachelor forums, and read about some men who are less awful than Jason for once in our favorite fictional TV bachelors gallery!