Why are we opening the show with Michelle? She's got a black eye? What does she mean, "Only this could be happening to me"? Over breakfast she asks the other bachelorettes who kicked her ass while she was sleeping. Everyone's a suspect! She thinks the black eye means that she deserves a one-on-one date with Brad. Exactly what the logic behind that is, she does not explain.
Anyway, the first date card arrives, and it reads: "Chantal -- How deep is your love? Brad." She's not the Shawntel who's a funeral director, she's the Chantal with the huge rack. Brad shows up to say hello to everyone, and Michelle instantly tries to monopolize the conversation by sulking about her black eye. As usual, Brad really doesn't know how to react when a womanfolk opens up to him. In fairness to Brad, who has ever just woken up with a black eye? Ashley S. says she wishes she had given Michelle the black eye. "I want to rip her head off," she tells us. Ashley pulls into the "I like her best!" lead.
Then a helicopter arrives, and all the women freak out, and Chantal is all, "I'm going on an amazing date with an amazing guy!" and is super impressed by the helicopter, even though it usually happens a couple of times per season, and it's not like it's Brad's own fucking helicopter or anything.
Anyway, Chantal is scared of her feelings for Brad, because she married her high school sweetheart, and then she hasn't really dated since she got divorced. It's a shame to think that this cutie has been off the market for -- how long can it possibly have been? A year or two?
So they head off to Catalina Island, and she just wants to hang out with Brad and "feel the romance." Not coincidentally, I understand that Brad refers to his penis as "the romance." Brad says he's wanted to take Chantal out on a date for "so long," which is weird because doesn't he decide who he dates?
So for this date they're going to walk on the sea floor. "It's a huge thing, to get me to go in the ocean. I don't just do that," Chantal tells us, whatever that's supposed to mean. So they get into their wetsuits, and Chantal talks herself into getting into the water, because not doing something that absolutely petrifies her might make Brad think she won't take chances on him, or some stupid thing. [She also freaked out because it was "so far out in the water", but the camera panned and we could see the shore, so really, I'm thinking Chantal is more than a little overdramatic. - Angel]
So now the two of them are down there. "I did it, because he's worth it," she says, all evidence to the contrary. Brad is great with the wildlife: "That's just a little fish," he tells Chantal by way of identification, so now we know what going on a date with Jacques Cousteau must be like. And now Chantal thinks her underwater adventure proves she's ready for love. "I think I could be Chantal Womack, definitely."
And now it's nighttime and Michelle is putting some frozen thing on her decidedly non-swollen eye, because that's really going to make us think it isn't just a little makeup that she's brushed on there.
Then the group date card arrives, and I lose track of the listed women really quickly, but since this is turning into Michelle vs. Everyone, I can note that she's not on the list. This makes her happy (meaning she scowls just slightly less) because she wants a one-on-one date, and if she doesn't get one, Brad might wind up with a black eye of his own. She's going to put black makeup under his eye too?
So unfortunately Brad didn't drown, and now he and Chantal are going to have a dinner on the beach with tiki torches and a couch, and tents, and now Chantal is talking about her divorce again, and she tells Brad that she "totally" wants to get married again. "I want to have that union," she says, and now they are not actually talking about her marriage, but are talking about whether they should TALK about her marriage, and they agree that it's OK, and she talks about finding the right person, and Brad says "now, more than ever" about getting married or something, and they blather on and then they start kissing.
It's raining back at the mansion, and Michelle is CRYING over being compared to Chantal, even though the only one who has compared herself to Chantal is herself, and she's confiding in another woman whose name I can't remember. She tells us that she doesn't think Chantal is right for Brad, so if Chantal comes home tonight, she doesn't know what that says about her relationship with Brad. "Chantal is very focused on Brad, and she's very headstrong, and if she comes home tonight, we all need to watch out," says the amazingly un-self-aware Michelle. I agree that she's nothing like Chantal. Chantal knows how to smile.
Back at Catalina Island, Brad and Chantal are teasing each other, and Brad tells us that he loves her playfulness, the way she calls him out. "It really is like having a girlfriend, she puts me in check. I love it," he says. Does anything he says ever make any sense? Then he pulls out the rose and it starts to rain, and Chantal says that that's good luck. Rain is good luck? Maybe it will rain really hard and there will be a big storm and a tidal wave will sweep the two of them out to sea. Anyway, he gives a stupid speech about how special she is and how she makes him feel. "I want to grab Chantal's hand and run away. It's freaking crazy!" he tells us, like it's some kind of revelation to anyone watching this show that THIS IS NOT HOW PEOPLE BEHAVE, and now they are cuddling under one of the tents and we get the bed-level camera action while they make out and we go to commercial, and if we get the impression that they had sex on the beach, that's not the show's fault, right?
The day at the bachelorette mansion, the women are piling into a Hummer limousine and drinking as they head off on the group date. Brad's waiting for them at a radio station that hosts the studio for Loveline with Dr. Drew, and he tells them that they're going to ask and answer questions. Brad says it's a chance to open up and talk about their innermost thoughts. Yeah, what's more conducive to opening up than a bunch of microphones for a group-therapy session on a national radio show listened to by millions?
Brad sits down with Dr. Drew first, and for some reason we don't hear Dr. Drew tell Brad what a stupid idea it is to go on The Bachelor not once, but twice. I will give Dr. Drew the benefit of the doubt and assume he did say that out, but the producers edited it out.
And back at the mansion, Michelle is whining that she's worried she might not get a one-on-one date, and she's bitching to Emily, who is as supportive as you can be, but she's eyeing Michelle like she's a rabid dog who might attack at any moment.
Back in the radio studio, Brad and the other women are now sitting in the studio, and the first question that gets asked is if all of the women are physically attracted to Brad. No, they're attracted to his deep thinking on important social and political issues. "Yeah, we're having fun, but this is very serious to me," Brad tells us. And then Brad starts sanctimoniously expounding on how he has NEVER cheated on anyone, not ever, and considering that this show REQUIRES CHEATING and he has been on it twice, I don't know why anyone didn't start laughing at him. Dr. Drew asks the women if any of them have cheated. Eventually, Stacey puts up her hand. She's the only one who does, but I call bullshit on her being the only one who needed to. "Back in college, I was being drunk and stupid," she says, while the other women stare at her to the extent that I can't believe she doesn't just burst into flames. Brad says something about how this is all about being honest, which is what Stacey's doing, so he thinks it's great. Still, she's a marked woman. If the other bachelorettes had their way, she'd be wearing a scarlet A right now.
Then he is talking about what he's looking for: "I know exactly what I want, and it's not a specific type," he says, and before this season ends I swear I am just going to hire someone to start punching me in the face whenever Brad opens his mouth. Sincere bullshit is still bullshit. "I want somebody I can be myself around," he says, and Dr. Drew repeats that for all the women, and now -- one of the Ashleys, I think? -- starts talking about pulling back, and Brad says she doesn't want to do that, and now there is a blonde woman talking who I swear to god we haven't seen before. "I want the chance to get to know you for real," she says, and Brad pleads with her to give him the chance to make some time for her, and then he makes her and all the rest of the women feel so extremely special by promising the same thing to all of them. "I cannot wait to see where all these relationships are going," he says. He makes all of the characters on Big Love look like amateurs, but he has never cheated, no sirree.
"Taking these women to see Dr. Drew is the best idea I could have had," Brad tells us, which is true, because he has only had two other ideas in his lifetime, and both of those other ideas were "I should go on The Bachelor." Anyway, he thinks it was a great idea because now the other women are even more into him. And despite the fact that for the past three episodes he has endlessly talked about how he knows how important it is to open up, and he's been in therapy, he spends half-an-hour with Dr. Drew and we're being told that he is REALLY opening up, which begs the question of whether anybody wants this big lunkhead to open up more?
So now Alli is sitting down to talk to Brad, and Ashley S. comes over and wants to steal Brad, and Alli resists since they just sat down, but Ashley S. insists, and she acts like a big baby and wants Alli to hug her, in that "I'm doing something mean but I can't stand for you to justifiably be mad about it" way and tries to hug Alli like they are actually friends. Then Ashley S. sits down and says something inane like, "I just need to make sure you're, I don't know, still into me, I guess."
And now the women are all getting angry with each other, and it's starting to look like that part in 2001 where all the apes go crazy in front of that monolith. "Dr. Drew really opened up a can of worms!" Brad tells us. Yeah, a moment ago it was the best idea you ever had. Now that things are going to shit, it's all Dr. Drew's fault.
Back at the house, another date card has arrived, and Emily reads the "Let's hang out together" part of the card without reading who it's for first, and then says it's for Michelle. The skin around Michelle's mouth cracks as she smiles for the first time ever. At least until Chantal points out that her card didn't use the word "love" like all the others did. "Love hurts," "How deep is your love," etc. and now Michelle is fretting about that.
Back on the group date, the women have nothing better to do than talk about the stress of trying to get some alone time with Brad, and in the absence of Michelle, Ashley H. gets to be the crazy one who no one can stand. "Dealing with Ashley H. is exhausting," Jackie tells us. Plenty of footage provided as evidence.
And now Brad is sitting with a woman who has heart earrings and I think this is the person from the radio station who I didn't recognize, and she tells him that she has a crush on him, and now they are making out. Like he did with Chantal last night. Not that he cheats.
And now Ashley H. is stalking up behind them. "I like you, Britt," he tells her. Oh, that's Britt! And he tells her they should go back inside, and then his stellar acting skills come into play as he "notices" Ashley H. behind them, and this was clearly set up to some degree, and then Britt scurries off and Ashley and Brad settle in under the blanket, and she is being all coy and defensive, and Brad tells us they really connected on their one-on-one date, and since then he's been fighting to regain that connection, and he's not giving up on her, no way in hell, and I hate to tell Brad that she's a moron on a dating show, not a trapped Chilean miner.
And then Brad comes to the hot tub, and he's got the rose, and he's all, "Obviously there's a rose," and then Ashley H. says, "Ugh, I hate this," and Brad gets all, "What's so awkward? Talk to me?" and Ashley H. doesn't say anything, which is kind of nice, and Brad says, "I'll wait," and she still doesn't say anything, and he keeps pressing her, and she finally mumbles something about not wanting to deal with it, and then he angrily grumbles about changing his plan, and he pulls Britt out of the pool.
Alli tells us that she thinks Ashley H. was going to get the rose, and then changed his mind when he saw her negative attitude. Not because of her giant forehead? Anyway, Brad gives Britt the rose -- one of his reasons, swear to god, is "We have good kisses." And afterwards there's a toast with everyone in the hot tub, and Brad and Ashley H. hug awkwardly, and Ashley tells us that she thinks she may have ruined what she and Brad have. Yeah, but you don't actually have anything, so don't sweat it.
Over breakfast the morning, we have to rehash everything, with Ashley telling the other women that she feels like she's "emotionally unstable." She says that if she goes home tomorrow, it's 100 percent her fault. Michelle angrily paints her fingernails. She can't understand why everyone is talking about Ashley H.: "It's my day, it's my time with Brad," she says. This would be a totally different situation from when it was Chantal's date and you couldn't stop yakking about the black eye you gave yourself, I suppose.
Then Brad shows up and says hello to everybody, but then he asks to talk to Ashley H. for a moment, and Michelle's face instantly goes to stone. It catches her too off-guard to hide it in Brad's presence, and when he asks her if it's OK, she catches herself a little bit and tries to soften the knotface. "I'm pissed," she tells us, and when Brad and Ashley go outside to talk out, the other women try to console her by telling her it's still her special day. They're like primitive villagers trying to appease the vengeful beast that lives in a nearby cave. "I feel special," she says.
Outside, Brad and Ashley are talking about relationships like they're lobotomized high-school students who learned all they know about love by ... well, by watching The Bachelor. "We're going to lose something that could be really cool," says Brad, which is about all I can stand of that.
Inside, Michelle is holding court and griping about how dare Ashley take up 30 minutes of her special date time, and Chantal bravely points out that Michelle monopolized an awful lot of time on the group date where they did the blood-donor PSAs, and Michelle doesn't know what she's talking about at first, and then does this evil Joker grin like, "Chantal's obviously crazy, so I'm going to smile and pretend like this doesn't bother me." Michelle says her tantrum was different because it was a "moral issue" whatever that's supposed to mean, and it was different, and Chantal is all "'fraid not" and Michelle is all "'fraid so" and the other women are trying to not make eye contact with Michelle and fervently hoping that when Michelle bares her teeth and goes for Chantal's neck that they don't get blood everywhere. My love for Chantal grows with every second more that she challenges Michelle.
"I guess we agree to disagree," says Chantal, "that's fine," responds Michelle, as Brad and Ashley come back in, and Brad apologizes for the awkwardness and then brightly asks Michelle if she's ready, and Ol' Hatchetface says, "Yeah, get me out of here," and she can barely pretend to smile, and Brad tries to say goodbye but Ol' Hatchetface yanks him out of the room. In an interview, she tells us that if she doesn't get a rose because of Ashley H.'s issues, she will elbow Ashley H. in the face, and then she demonstrates what her elbow technique looks like. Unsurprisingly, she's too dense to understand that when the Bachelor has problems with one of the women, it improves the chances of the other women.
After the commercial break, Ol' Hatchetface is still whining about how Brad talking to Ashley is the worst thing to ever happen to anyone in the history of the world. To Brad, of course, she is all, "I understand!" So they go over to Brad's house, at least for a moment, because a helicopter lands to take them out on their date, and Ol' Hatchetface almost smiles (only it's kind of like when Mr. Burns smiles) as she talks about sitting to Brad and looking at the scenery underneath.
And the helicopter (which magically changed color en route) lands on top of a skyscraper, and Brad shows her the pool down below where they're going to be having dinner, and he reveals that they're going to be rappelling down the side of the building. Ol' Hatchetface hugs Brad and starts crying as she tells him that she's really afraid of heights. This is one time that I don't think she's faking it. Ultimately it means that we're going to watch ten minutes of footage of Brad trying to coax her over the side of the building, and she talks about taking a "leap of faith" when you're falling in love with someone, and it's all quite inane but at least it's one time she's not talking about what bitches all the other women are.
In light of the relative enjoyment Ol' Hatchetface is getting out of rappelling now, I am reassessing my belief that she wasn't faking her fear of heights. Anyway, they make out on the way down, and finally touch down by the pool. "It was absolutely a overwhelming bonding experience," Brad tells us, and then they jump in the pool, which Pinhead Brad does with all his clothes on, even his jacket, and now Ol' Hatchetface is telling us that nothing that any of the other women have done with Brad can compare to what they've just gone through, and now she is punching the air and now she is ... throwing gang signs? And in the pool, the two of them are drinking champagne and kissing, and now it looks like she's sliding down for a little underwater head. Stay classy, The Bachelor!
Dinner time, with the two of them looking up at the building, and congratulating themselves for doing it, even though they were completely wrapped up with wires to the degree that there was no possibility they were going to fall. Anyway, now they are talking about Ol' Hatchetface's divorce, with Brad asking if she's brought any men around her daughter, who is named Brielle or some such, and Ol' Hatchetface says she has brought the few men she's dated around because it's important that they get to know Brielle, and Brad says he wants to meet Brielle.
And now they are talking about whether they are ready to get married, with Brad admitting that if it comes down to two women at the end of the show, and he doesn't see "forever" with either of them, he'll walk away again. "I don't see you with any of them." "Is that so?" he says, amused. "I see you with me," she says.
Back at the house, Chantal and one of the other women talk about how crazy Ol' Hatchetface is, to the extent that Chantal even does the Psycho music with the stabbing motion.
And back at the pool, Brad goes off to get the date rose, and Ol' Hatchetface talks to us about how she wants a husband and all that, and you get the sense that she's one of the contestants who just wants a husband and not this particular husband. He brings the rose back and tells her "This is an easy one," and then says a bunch of sincere bullshit about how he sees their day-to-day life with him taking care of Brielle and hopefully more kids. Anyway, he gives her the rose and she accepts, which means that we're going to see Ol' Hatchetface for at least one more week, and I'd really like to know what I've done to deserve such punishment.
Are you kidding me? We're doing another therapy session? I am not recapping this. Instead, I'm going to recap a scene from something else I'd rather be watching.
So the Dude and Donny and Walter are bowling, and then Walter freaks out and yells "Over the line!" because one of the guys on the other team stepped over the line, except the other guy Smokey disputes it, and tells the Dude to mark down an eight, and Walter gets angrier, and pulls his gun out and points it at Smokey and is all "You're entering a world of pain," and ... oh, the therapy scene is over.
Cocktail party time! I'd really like to see more from Lindsay. Cute redhead. Hasn't had a chance to shine. Chantal looks nice! She's already got a rose, but she's excited to see him again. Brad tells us that each cocktail party gets him one step closer to seeing his wife, so blah blah blah. He wants to use his time now to talk to some of the women who didn't get dates this week, like Shawntel, and they revisit their action movie date with Shawntel jumping into his arms, and then they kiss. "Brad is amazing. I was so reassured," she says. That's the power of Brad's tongue! Just ask EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN THE HOUSE.
And now he's talking to... who is this? Brad is telling her that he wants to get deeper. But they actually have clothes on. And they have one of those boring conversations about opening up, and she amusingly says she doesn't really want to be one of the women who lay it all out right away, because then they're bawling when he goes out on a date with someone else. Oh, this is Meghan, and she feels more confident about getting a rose tonight.
And now he's taking Emily aside, and he's got a basket with some pillows and wine. "You are so sweet to do that for me!" Shawntel says that was really hard to watch, and Meghan agrees. Chantal says the kissing is one thing, but having a whole "magical moment" thing is something else. "Feels like a punch in the stomach," she says. Well, then leave. If you've rationalized the kissing (and later sex) thing, but this where you draw the line? Draw it and leave. In other news, is Ol' Hatchetface even there? Or since she's got her rose, I guess she doesn't feel like she needs to mingle with the rabble.
After a commercial break, Ol' Hatchetface finds out about the Emily thing, and she is surprisingly OK with it because of the awesome date they had; still, she's a little put out that he didn't do something like that for her.
"My goal tonight is to reestablish the connection that Emily and I have," Brad tells us, because with the connection they have, she deserves more than just a little conversation. That's why he spread a blanket down on the ground and they're drinking wine. "I've missed you badly. It's important for me to know that you've been on my mind," he says.
Back in the house, we watch Chantal fret about this, despite the fact that she has a rose, which is more than most of the other women have. Granted, she's not wrong to feel kind of dumb for thinking that she had a special connection with Brad, since it's clearly not to the same degree that Brad and Ashley have. It bears repeating, over and over again: "Have you ever SEEN this show?"
Brad and Ashley are finished talking, while Shawntel and Chantal and Jackie commiserate about how they wouldn't feel right about interrupting this particular one-on-one conversation, with Jackie saying that Brad doesn't have this connection with anyone else here, and Chantal starts crying. The other women try to console her, and she feels kind of stupid. "It's hard to be reminded that he has special things with other people too," she tells us. Yeah, that's accurate, except for that it's pretty much the dictionary definition of the opposite of special.
So she decides to go talk to him, which is a terrible idea, and when she sits down with him she talks about how she sees so many other "emotionally unstable" women that maybe she's not needy enough for him, only she doesn't make it sound quite so ridiculous, and if she's worried about not being emotionally unstable enough, I'd like to point out that she was just wiping away tears a moment ago. This is what Brad says: "Please be confident in the fact that I am so wildly attracted to the fact that you're everything that I have not been with in my past." Awww. It's like something you'd engrave on the inside of a ring. He lists a bunch of things that he loves about her, like the fact that she's not needy. He doesn't mention how cute she is, or her breasts, but then again this show is edited and can't show us everything. And now Chantal starts throwing around the therapy-speak, all "choosing to trust" blah blah blah, and Brad says "you're damn right" about something, and then he loves that he tries to be tough and she just won't let him, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean, and then he jams the healing power of his tongue into her mouth.
"We now have the emotional connection, which makes the physical connection stronger. Pretty crazy about him," Chantal tells us, and then they go back inside and Harrison comes in to take Brad away for the big earth-shattering decision. The fact that Ol' Hatchetface already has a rose is going to make this the most depressing rose ceremony ever.
The women are all assembled, and Harrison tells them that Brad says this will be a different rose ceremony from the last one. Because not getting a rose finally equals death, as I have been lobbying for? No, it's because Brad is a "different man." Because of the Dr. Drew show? What about the therapy he's supposedly been undergoing since he was on the show last? What about Jamie, his therapist "while he's in L.A."?
Anyway, Brad comes out and greets the women. He thanks all of them for being patient, and says he's trying to make it as easy as possible for all of them, because he wants to propose to one of them at the end of this. Not sure what one has to do with the other, but hey, let's get this under way!
The remaining roses go to Ashley S., Alli, Emily (big surprise), Shawntel (he says "N." even though the other Chantal already has a rose). Lisa. Jackie. Marissa. Last rose goes to Ashley H. D'oh! That's a mistake. She's nuts. Meanwhile, he's letting Lindsay the dynamite redhead go, plus Meghan (yawn), and Stacey. Meghan says it's a bummer, but at least she doesn't start crying. She does think Brad "missed out on a great girl." Stacey says she wants to meet the right guy, hopefully soon. "I'm sick of dating," she says. And finally Lindsay, who says it's disappointing that she's going home tonight. "Rejection is always hard, but I think that I was true to myself, and I think that my dad is going to be proud of me. For being the daughter he and my mom raised me to be," she says, by which I think she means that she didn't sleep with Brad. And then she starts to cry. Never mind, I don't like Lindsay anymore. Go home, Lindsay. We almost made it through an entire episode without hearing about someone's daddy issues.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. His biggest fear is that The Bachelor will never end. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.