The Goodyear Pimp

Of all the things you ought to pack when you agree to be on this show, a bottle of mouthwash is probably the most important, because Jason gets around to playing tonsil hockey with a few of the bachelorettes. He shows up unannounced for a "my god, it's hot out today -- better take off my shirt" pool party, because he wants to keep the women on their toes. He doesn't like to be kept on his toes, though, because he's surprised to be handed a rose and ordered to pick a woman for a special date that night. He opts for Jillian, who comes across as fun and genuine, despite the fact she's still pitching her hot dog theory. They go to Disney Hall, where Robin Thicke sings at them and they make out. Melissa also gets a one-on-one date, consisting of a picnic on the beach, and the Goodyear blimp playing magic eight-ball with them, and then they go for a ride on the fabled dirigible itself. She also gets to lock lips, as do Molly and Naomi.

The group date is a painful affair that features the women dressing up for Jason's amusement, and Molly earns the rose after pulling Jason out of the pool party to demonstrate her "special talent," which is where the aforementioned kissing comes in. Megan gets pissed because Molly later interrupts her chat with Jason, despite having already earned a rose. When Erica talks a little shit about Molly for it, and then pretends to have Molly's back to her face later on, Megan calls her on it, only to have Erica kick off a non-stop cavalcade of classlessness.

As for who's going home? Lisa excuses herself, having a grandmother sick with cancer. Jason also eliminates Raquel, whose lack of face-time with the bachelor prompted her to lie in wait for an awkward conversation in his limo at the end of the night, and Sharon, who is getting perilously close to realizing that quitting your job and leaving your family and friends behind might not have been the smartest thing she's ever done.

So no wonder this stupid show is two hours again this week. Approximately half of that is rehashing what happened last season, and then last week. Because, you know, there would be absolutely no way anyone could follow the byzantine twists and turns of this show without spending half-an-hour revisiting such highlights as Renee blathering on and on about her vision boards, wherein she cuts words out of magazines, representing things she wants, and pastes them on a board, which most people stopped doing in, like eighth grade. And who could forget when Jackie was drunk and talked about how awesome she is? I'm sure that'll come into play tonight, so it's a good thing they showed that to us again. Not to mention all the highlights of everything that's coming up tonight, which most shows stopped doing in the '80s. But it's not because they can't fill two hours of material, right?

So much for my new year's resolution to get my blood pressure down.

It's the night after the cocktail party, which means it's time for Ty to get shipped off back home to be with his mom. It's going to be hard enough getting to know fifteen women without your kid cramping your style. Yeah, it's best that Ty goes home now. He's much too mature for the shenanigans that are about to ensue.

"I just hope one of [these fifteen amazing women] is going to be special enough to bring into Ty's life," he says.

And here come the women! Chris Harrison welcomes them in the driveway of their new home, congratulating them on being the fifteen women, out of the thousands who want Jason, who he wants to get to know better. The women all smile and applaud themselves, like they've actually ACCOMPLISHED something. Then he encourages them to go check out their new home, and then is almost trampled in the ensuing stampede. The women tear through the house like they get to keep it, and act like they've never seen bathtubs or swimming pools. And apparently they snoop through each others' luggage, because someone is quite surprised to find a suitcase filled with just shoes. "I'm just going to live out of my suitcase until he proposes," says ... I want to say, Erica?

Eventually, Chris herds them all into the living room, where he goes over the rules, which are the same as they've always been. And I don't know what time of day it is, but of course everyone is drinking already. Anyway, there will be group dates, wherein someone gets a rose, and there will be individual dates, and if you don't earn a rose there you will be going home. But there's something a little different this year: not every woman will be going on a date every week. Naomi's thoughtful analysis: That's going to "suck" for whoever doesn't get to go on a date.

So Jason strolls up in his shorts and a T-shirt unannounced, because he doesn't want the women to "mentally prepare" for his hallowed presence. Is he saying that up until now the women have been mentally prepared for this? Anyway, this is a disaster of Hindenberg proportions, from the way Kari tells it, because the women are just lounging around in their bathing suits with their hair pulled up and some of them don't have makeup on.

But Jason says this "is much more me," just hanging out and getting to know all of them. "Because one of you is going to be my wife," he says, which I hate to tell him is a little bit different from "I'm going to propose to one of you." What if they get to know him and discover he's a colossal douchebag?

Well, Shannon loved it. "I loved that, because I'm so ready for it," she says.

Jason pulls Megan aside so he can check in and see how she's doing after the attempt to vote her out last night. She's still bothered by it -- she almost starts crying -- and says she just wants to forget about the fact she got a rose by default. He gallantly assures her that he would have given her a rose anyway. "It was absolutely, one hundred percent a huge relief for Jason to say 'I want you here,'" she says in an interview, and darkly says "time will tell" when the women who tried to vote her out will have to leave. So: not going the "maybe I should try to get along" route, are we?

Oh, and then Jason either cures AIDS, ends world poverty, or takes his shirt off to get in the pool. We hear blow-by-blow accounts from several women of how time seemed to stop when he did it, and this stupid show helpfully plays it in slow motion as well, while we listen to some Chariots of Fire-esque music. "He just is so dreamy. He truly is. It's awesome," says Stephanie.

And then the wacky hijinks begin, with Jason carrying a bachelorette into the water, and Jillian getting on his shoulders for an impromptu chicken fight. In an interview, she talks about how he's getting to see her goofy side, what with that and the stupid hot dog theory. Are you kidding me? We have to talk about hot dogs again? While Jason gets some lunch, he asks Jillian about what kind of condiment she had him pegged as, and she confesses she thought he was ketchup guy. If I remember correctly, I think it's that when a guy puts ketchup on his hot dog, it means he's the kind of guy who likes ketchup. Actually, ketchup last night meant solid and loyal and loves his mother, but since Jason didn't pick it, all of a sudden ketchup now means "mama's boy." They goof around a lot, and Jason says in an interview that Jillian was a blast today, and then Jillian says she thought it would take weeks or days to be attracted to someone, but she's attracted instantly. I love how often the bachelorettes (and the bachelors) talk about how they didn't think they could be attracted to someone so quickly, after APPLYING TO BE ON A SHOW THAT REQUIRES YOU BE ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE INSTANTLY.

Then they play water volleyball. Shannon manages to stalk Jason out of the pool and put suntan lotion on him. "Touching Jason's bare shoulders and chest was a gift," she says. Maybe one of the other bachelorettes could be assigned the job of just keeping the hose on this one.

They talk some MORE about how Shannon creepily knowing everything about Jason means she's committed, and not a stalker. To me, the difference is Shannon being cute. I think if she were homely, Jason would be quite creeped out by her in-depth knowledge. "I truly am ready to be a mother," she says. As proof, she says all of her friends are married, and her pregnant friends make her squeal. Well, I'm convinced. Jason advises her to keep being her goofy self. In an interview, he says more than anyone, Shannon likes to talk about how much she wants to be here, which is weird, because this is only the second episode, and I'm only seeing edited portions, but I've heard pretty much enough out of Shannon.

So then the doorbell rings, and Lauren explains that there was just a single rose and a letter that said "Jason." Meanwhile, Jason's talking to Nikki, who says she's trying to "hold back" to give the other girls a chance. Or something. In an interview, she says there was a "mutiny" against her because she got the first impression rose. No, dear. If the other women don't like you, it's not because they're jealous. It must be that you're "not right" for Jason, or you're "there for the wrong reasons," don't you know?

So anyway, the women who answered the door interrupt Jason's conversation with Nikki to hand him the letter and the rose. The letter says, "Please give this rose to the woman you'd like to share a romantic evening with tonight." Stephanie says they were all wondering who it would go to, and she was hoping it would be her. Wow, now that's some insight. I never would have guessed that the women were wondering who it would go to. Melissa says her hands were sweaty and her heart was pounding: "I was like, 'I want that rose more than anything right now.'"

After the commercial break, Jason says he's not going to give the rose out right away. Well, that's big of him. He probably would prefer to do it at a time when he's not going to be torn apart by fourteen other women. "I could tell the nerves were starting," he confesses in an interview. Better

get used to it. And, if the editing is to be believed, this is when the women start realizing that, much like the Highlander, there can be only one. One bachelorette says maybe they're all being too nice, and are going to have to start being more aggressive.

Inside the house, Jason has a little chat with the teacher who gave him the poli sci quiz, and she giggles and peppers her speech with "like" a little too frequently than should happen for someone who's charged with shaping the leaders of tomorrow.

Elsewhere, the women who are lounging around the pool notice that someone is doing something other than working on her tan, so they start screaming Jason's name to break it up. Instead of ignoring them, Jason goes out on the balcony, and one of the women jokes that he keeps coming out of bedrooms with women, and she doesn't know how she should feel about it. You're on The Bachelor, you moron. Maybe you should have thought about it a little bit before you signed on.

And now here's Naomi, a little more subdued and bitchslap-happy than last night, asking about the charity work Jason does. And there's Shannon, fretting about the fact that someone else is spending time with Jason. In an interview, she looks like she's practically breaking out in hives over it. She should probably relax and realize that probably no one else has a little Jason voodoo doll hidden in her suitcase. "I will do whatever it takes to get a little more time with him today." That means, in this case, actually THROWING ICE CUBES over the balcony. Almost as juvenile, the other women rat her out for doing it.

Then there's Stephanie, fretting about the fact that Jason hasn't talked to her yet. He's currently over by the pool talking to Natalie, and Nikki advises Stephanie to take over drinks so she can chat with Jason for a while, which makes Natalie roll her eyes in an interview. Awesomely, though, Stephanie stands there for like half-an-hour before Jason finally acknowledges her presence, and then she awkwardly says that she would love to talk to him when he's done. She heads back under the shade with the other women and lamely says that it wasn't the right moment. In an interview, she makes all kinds of excuses for him, saying that he's trying to get to know so many women right now, and he's overwhelmed. "I know my time will come," she says.

So Jason finally finishes up with Natalie, and then heads over to pick up the rose. "The anticipation for who he was going to give the rose to was crazy," says Kari. Please, write a poem about it, why don't you. In an interview, Natalie says she figured she was getting the rose, because she's a good ol' Midwestern girl. So far, she seems like one of the blandest women there, but at least she's not lacking for confidence.

Anyway, Jason stands in front of the throng of women and says he wasn't expecting to have to give out a rose today. Having said that, he's giving the rose to Jillian. Natalie looks like she swallows her tongue.

And then she goes running off to the bathroom, where Raquel sees her (was Raquel not out by the pool?) and goes in to soothe her. In an interview, Raquel is quite generous, saying it's difficult to see the man that you possibly want to spend the rest of your life with dating other women, and this is one of those times that I wonder just how dumb someone can be for going on this show and then freaking out over the object of your affection dating other people, because that is THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE SHOW. Raquel advises Natalie not to react in any way that's going to affect her future time with Jason.

In an interview, Natalie sulkily talks about how Jillian's in "a great place" with Jason, and that could have been her, but "whatever." Well, it's nice to know you aren't letting it affect you.

After the commercial break, after we watch Jillian and Jason head out on their date, we have to endure Lauren trying to convince us that it's actually a good thing it's not her going on the date, because she wouldn't have had enough time to get ready and do her hair, so she'd have to have it curly, and therefore would have been miserable. "Thank god it wasn't me," she says.

So anyway, Jason's taking Jillian to the "world-famous" Disney Hall, which I've never heard of before. "Stepping out of that limo was, like, breathtaking," says Jillian in an interview. She says she really appreciates the structure because of her background in architecture and design. "You are so awesome," she tells Jason. Inside the concert hall, reserved just for them, is a dinner complete with candles and champagne. "I felt this, like, incredible amount of gratitude to be there with Jason," she says, adding she didn't know Jason would be so cool. She's dated enough sauerkrauts in her life. And what's dinner without a little music? There for a private concert is Robin Thicke and his trademark brand of forgettable neo-soul music, because all we need at supper time is Dr. Seaver's son warbling at us.

Back at the mansion, the women are talking about how late the couple are going to get home, and whether they'll kiss. The doorbell rings, and Nikki goes to get the door, which turns out to be a letter for Melissa. "That's my name! That's my name!" Melissa freaks out, like this could be a subpeona or something at this point, she doesn't know. The letter says something stupid about taking their relationship to "new heights," which makes everyone squeal like they've got ANY idea what that even means. "My night TOTALLY just got made, and I am not going to sleep tonight," she says, because she's getting a one-on-one date with Jason.

Back at the concert hall, Robin Thicke is doing his level best to make me regret that music was ever invented.

"I love that the first date is with Jillian. It's exactly what I hoped for," he says. They both do look like they're having fun. As for Robin Thicke, well, for those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing that they like. It's enough for the two of them to start making out on the dance floor. "It's every girl's dream," says Jillian, by which I presume she means being the first and not the seventh or eighth tongue to be in Jason's mouth over the course of a couple of weeks.

"It was the coolest date I've ever been on in my entire life," Jillian tells the enthralled women the day, which Melissa feels puts a little pressure on her, because Jason and Jillian kissed, so she feels like her date has to be fantastic now, instead of just suspecting that perhaps the "I Kissed Jason" club isn't going to be the most exclusive society in the world. She's also nervous because she hasn't dated since getting out of her one serious relationship from when she was fifteen to twenty-two.

So it's time for the staple beach date, whith disgusting seagulls all over the place. "Melissa fits the mould of the girl I'd typically be attracted to," says Jason, which is to say fun and the kind of girl who everyone looks at. Oh, and also, she has to be ready to start a family.

They sit down to eat, starting with oysters. "You just gotta gulp it down," he says, and here's hoping that's the LAST time we have to hear that coming out of Jason's mouth, and she pretends to like the oyster, and then admits she didn't, and there is all kinds of fake laughing and painful small talk going on, and I started praying for a tidal wave to crash on the beach and take them out to the sea, especially when Melissa started blathering on about wanting to be a first-grade teacher. Like, not a TEACHER, but a FIRST-GRADE teacher, and if she has any reason for this other than "kids are so cute!" we don't hear it. We just get her saying that teaching first-grade would be "ten times more difficult" for her. Ten times more difficult than what, she doesn't say. She does want a job that makes her go home and chirp, "I did something today!" and I hate to be mean but you are twenty-five already, so WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU WAITING FOR? I mean, you're not just going on about kids because it's what Jason wants to hear, is it? Jason asks what she'll do with her summers off. "Play with my kids," she says. OK, Melissa, he gets it. You're maternal. Your ovaries are open for business.

In an interview, Jason says she surprised him in every way possible, because she "probably learned a lot" from being in a long relationship and "she wants to be a teacher now" and still there is no tidal wave to end this beach blanket boring-o-thon we have going on.

Back at the house, the women are sitting around and, I presume, thinking about inane things to say to Jason so that he thinks they're ready to be mothers, when the doorbell rings and there's a letter there. It's addressed to Natalie, Erica, Naomi, Nikki, Lauren, Kari, Sharon and Molly. "Let's put the 'glam' into 'Hollywood glamour,'" which doesn't really work as a play on words since "glam" is just short for "glamour" already. Megan says in an interview that she was bummed about not having a date yet, and she's worried about going into a rose ceremony not having had one.

Back on the beach, Melissa and Jason have scooted onto a blanket to look at the water, and then Jason is all awkwardly noticing a BLIMP hovering nearby, and Melissa says she doesn't think she's ever seen a blimp, which is weird considering she was an NFL cheerleader for three years, but she sounds oddly fake, so they probably had to stage the crucial "noticing of the blimp" scene, and then Jason is all, "What's it say?" And "Hello Melissa" is running across the blimp message sign. Jason tells her to ask a question, which she does, instead of wondering what the hell he's talking about, and asks if she's going to get a rose. "TOO EARLY TO TELL," says the blimp. He tells her to ask another question, and she asks if she'll get a kiss. "SIGNS POINT TO YES," says the blimp, so Melissa starts sucking face with Jason, because when the Goodyear blimp tells you to do something, you just do it. Melissa says the kiss was "awesome," and was her first kiss in a long time. "I love that blimp," says Jason after coming up for air. Then the blimp flashes, "WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE?" And thank god Melissa figures out that the blimp is referring to itself and not to Jason. That comes later.

We are informed that hardly anybody gets to ride in the blimp, so it was "unthinkable" that they got to, like maybe this happened for FREE or something. "Stuff like this completely leaves you speechless, doesn't it?" he says to her, and then in an interview says they saw Los Angeles in a way that nobody else has ever seen Los Angeles. Well, yeah, except for people in balloons, planes, helicopters or who have RIDDEN IN THE BLIMP BEFORE. Not that I wouldn't enjoy it myself, mind you. In the blimp, Jason tells Melissa he had a wonderful time, and gives her a rose. Then they start making out again, like so much for the spectacular view. Melissa calls it her best first date ever, and the blimp starts flashing "MELISSA + JASON". I can't BELIEVE they didn't give us a reaction shot from the other women.

up is the group date. Jason takes the eight women to a store and tells them to pick out whatever clothes and accessories they want. Awww. He's the best pimp ever! "Jason is treating us very well. Good boyfriend," says Naomi, like maybe Jason is PAYING FOR THIS HIMSELF or something. Natalie says going shopping is like the mothership calling her home. Crazy ladies! Shop 'til you drop!

Then they go to some boutiquey hotel and have dinner by a pool, and the women all rave about what a dream date it is, even though I can't imagine their dream dates involve SEVEN OTHER WOMEN, and Erica asks Jason what he's looking for in a relationship, and Jason snooze-inducingly blathers on about how it's important to date to get it out of your system before you settle down, and the women compete to see who can agree with Jason the most.

But when you introduce a pool in the first act, it has to go off in the -- wait, what act is this? And I guess pools don't "go off," but the clothes do, and the women get in their bikinis and some dingbat decided a "talent show" is in order, which means we watch Jason's "breakdancing," which is the slowest breakdancing I've ever seen and looks more like that dance performance you go to in college where you're trying to impress the woman in your English class and she wants to go to this performance by her roommate's first-year interpretive dance student friend, and you sit there seriously debating the various ways to kill yourself. That is what Jason's dancing is like.

As for the rest of the talent show, well, it's all bikini-based, so what are you going to do but synchronized swimming? How many talents can you perform in a pool that demonstrate you're fun and perky and wifey material? Then Molly rather boldly asks Jason if she can show him her "secret talent" and she leads him out of the pool, and all the women stop laughing like that. It's dead silent. "Molly's a sleeper," says Lauren in an interview, saying she comes across really nice but can be sneaky.

Surprise, surprise, Molly's "secret talent" turns out to be kissing, so they make out. Nikki gets royally pissed that Natalie announces the two of them are kissing, because they apparently "made a pact not to talk about someone's intimate private moments"? I guess? Natalie is acting like a junior-high school girl, but Nikki doesn't come across as mature as she says she is in an interview. I mean, if you can't handle two people kissing, you need to grow up just a little too. She says she's only kissed one person since she was seventeen, and that's her old boyfriend of eleven years. Which I guess means it's OK to get all snappish on Natalie like that.

Later, when Nikki gets her own alone time with Jason, she seems to spend most of it talking shit about how the other women in the house aren't ready to be moms.

"I really wish you could see what it's like in the house, and what people say, and how they act," she says, while he assures her he knows that she's ready to be one.

Naomi then snags some time, presumably because she wanted to get to Jason before his tongue was too sore, and then talks about how she felt she cared about Jason before she even got here, and then starts talking about how regardless of what happens, she'll always be there for him as a friend, and he hugs her, and then she says, "Can friends kiss?" So Jason dives down her throat too. "Mine was longer (than Molly's)," says Naomi, smirking, in an interview.

Not that it matters to Jason, because the rose? She goes to Molly. "I'm shocked Molly got the rose," says Naomi. "It was definitely like, eye-opening," and she's practically crying about the whole thing.

So Jason drops off the women at their house while we listen to Raquel talk about how worried she is that she didn't get a one-on-one date or a group date, so she sneaks into his limo. "He could possibly be my soul mate and I'm letting him go because I didn't try? No way," she says.

So Jason climbs in the limo, surprised to see Raquel there. "Did you have enough of me already?" she says, and he does kind of a double-take. "What is THAT?" he asks. She talks about how she wants to be here. "OK, good. Thank you for talking to me," he says. In an interview, Raquel says that she wants to marry someone who wouldn't be very likely to get married again if she dies. Wow, how very selfish of you.

So there's going to be a rose ceremony tonight, with all the women dressed up in their finest. Jason shows up to toast them all and says he knows he hasn't gotten to know everybody just yet, but that's what tonight's about. Wait a minute. There's like forty-five minutes left of this dreck. It's all pre-rose ceremony cocktail schmoozing? My GOD.

Jason sits down with Erica, and says she was a lot of fun during the group date, but on the way home she kind of "laid low" and she confesses to being bummed that she didn't get to spend any time with him. In an interview, Jason says there's kind of a "different vibe" in the air tonight.

He sits down with Lauren, who confesses to be a little uncomfortable. She feels like she's initiating everything. He says he's doing his best. In an interview, he says, "Lauren is someone who needs a LOT of reassurance, and I'm doing my best to reassure her as much as I can. But she just might need more than I can give her right now." Red flag! Send her home!

Meanwhile, since Jason's occupied, Nikki talks shit about the other women with Melissa, about how none of them realize what it means to give up their lives and go to Seattle. "They think it's literally like Sleepless in Seattle," she says. Well, she's not wrong. But she could probably stand to do less criticizing of the others. How Melissa stands sitting there I have no idea. Yes, Nikki, you're the ONLY one who has any idea what commitment means. "It's about selflessness, not selfishness," she says in an interview.

Jason sits down with Shannon, who giggles like she's about twelve which is so offputting I can hardly believe he didn't call security to escort her from the house right then and there. He gives her a little quiz on the facts of his life, and she correctly identifies the names of his niece and nephew. She says the word "cute" enough times that I think my television just doused itself with gasoline and set itself on fire so it didn't have to listen to her anymore, and I had to watch the rest of the episode online.

The other girls chat. Megan, in an interview, says she's bonded with Stephanie, and she thinks they're both "magnificent" women. Megan currently looks like a cross between Joan Collins and the girl from Napoleon Dynamite with the side ponytail. While they're all chatting, Megan awkwardly asks her about her ex, and it sure seems like someone might have suggested to her that she ask Stephanie what her "deal" is. Stephanie relates the story of how she found out her husband was dead, which makes a few of the girls tear up a little bit.

This segues into some one-on-one time with Jason, where she wants to tell him she's got a heart full of love inside her. He asks her about Sophia, and he knows that it's her birthday tomorrow. Stephanie says she's very excited, because she got her a fairy princess costume or something, because she loves to dress up but she also loves to roughhouse. In an interview, she says it's important that Sophia has a father figure. Well, what better person than someone who applied to be on this show? "Thank you for just being who you are. I think you're a pretty awesome guy," Stephanie tells him, like he just saved her LIFE or something. He thanks her. In the interview, Stephanie says if god figures they should have a connection, then they will have one. Sincerely, I hope god has better things to do.

So Jason sits down with Lisa, who I literally did not recognize, because I don't remember seeing her on camera, and she says she's nervous, and Jason assures her that he's just a "regular guy," like thanks for letting her know you're not a GOD or anything, Jason, and she explains that her grandmother is sick with cancer, and found out it's terminal. "I think, ultimately, it makes more sense to be with my family," she says. Jason says he was bummed because he didn't get to know her better, but hey, what are you going to do? Damn, Grandma's cancer. Why you got to be such a drag? Jason brings Lisa to the group to break the news to them, and they hug and leave. Shannon says she knows everybody can say that they "feel badly" for Lisa, but she admits that it's one less person for her to worry about. Lauren says much of the same thing. We don't get to hear anyone say that they feel bad for Lisa. "I want to be the one that marries him, so as long as I get a rose, I don't really care," says Lauren. Kind of gets you right in the heart, doesn't it?

"This situation has gotten really real. I mean, he's kissed four other girls in the house," says Megan in an interview. She finally gets her alone time with Jason and rambles on about how awesome it is to be a parent, but how awesome it is to be not a parent. And she works really hard, but also likes to relax. She says she can "literally lay in bed for like two days straight." Social services, take note! And is her kid named "Sawyer"? Nice work, Lost.

Unfortunately, Molly shows up, clutching the rose she's already won so she can take Jason away for a chat about what a great time she had on their date. Jason says, "You were just so, like, like, chill," which I think is almost English. Inside, Megan bitches to the other women about Molly coming over, given that she already has a rose. This is one of the aspects of the show that mystifies me the most: the bachelor (or bachelorette) never gets any blame for not simply saying, "Hold on, I'll be with you in a second." Anyway, Erica says if she had a rose already, she wouldn't do that. Moments later (or so it seems) Erica is in the kitchen drunkenly telling Molly, "You do what you have to do. No one's judging you." Both of them are unaware that Natalie is nearby, touching up her makeup and overhears everything. So after Molly leaves, Megan asks her about the discrepancy (while appearing to laugh it off as no big deal).

Erica, who is dressed like Homer Simpson's Vegas wife, denies saying two different things and stomps off into the living room to obnoxiously steamroll everyone into agreeing that she is totally awesome and not two-faced.

This must be one of those times that Nikki wishes Jason could see. But right now, he's talking to her, and she is, again, and rather BORINGLY, running down how unprepared the other women in the house are. "Everybody has got, such unique qualities. I mean, you've got amazing qualities, and they're obvious," says Jason. This is accompanied by a slow pan up Nikki's body, because the camera man knows exactly what Jason is talking about. But not even that body will save Nikki if she doesn't quit with the broken-record routine.

So Erica will just not let the fight go, stomping in and out of the living room and not letting Megan finish a sentence. Having said that, I wonder just exactly what Megan thought it would accomplish to talk about it with Erica in the first place. Erica's thoughts on Megan, in an interview: "That girl is no good." Hilariously, Erica points out this was why the other women voted her out, which means Megan can remind her, "You were second, sweetheart." Erica's comeback: "Yeah, but you know what, probably for a threat, not because we felt bad karma." A threat? Erica? Threat to appear on Jerry Springer someday, ma

ybe. The other women sit around looking decidedly uncomfortable. "The claws are definitely starting to come out, you can see it," says Melissa. Natalie, who is the colour of a brass doorknob, says tension is higher because they all know Jason a little bit better and want him just that little bit more.

Chris comes in to whisk Jason away to the deliberation room. Megan says she thinks she's staying, and she hopes that people who "bring controversy" are going to be going home.

The conversation in the deliberation room is as useless as ever so I'm going to skip it, since I find it weird that the show feels it necessary to show us clips from the two hours like maybe I'm JUST THAT STUPID, but I would like to say this: Chris? Jason? They're women. Not girls. I know this show isn't exactly progressive, but at least acknowledging the bachelorettes are ADULTS would be appropriate. And memo to the women: please refer to yourselves as "women" too.

Oh, god, I love the rose ceremony. It means the show is almost over! Jason's got nine roses to hand out to the eleven remaining women who don't already have roses (Jillian, Molly and Melissa). "This is really, really tough for me. I want you all to know that." Jason, shut up. It's tougher for them.

Megan's first. She's surprised. Erica manages to smile at that. Then Nikki. You can hear the camera crew giving each other high fives in the backroom. Lauren. Naomi. Stephanie. Kari. Natalie. Shannon (she says "yes" before he even asks the standard "Will you accept this rose?"). Final rose goes to ... Erica, who, kind of obnoxiously says, "You have to stop doing this to me. This isn't OK!" I say "obnoxious," because there are two other women who probably would have been just fine with being the last one selected.

The women hug Raquel and Sharon. In an interview, Sharon reminds us that she quit her job and left her family and friends. "I gave up a lot, and I got caught short." She seems slightly bewildered and bitter. Raquel, likewise, thought she had a connection. She wonders if she was too aggressive. "I don't know. I really don't know." Yeah, I'd have certainly cut Erica loose before Raquel.

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