He talks some shit about how awesome it is for all the women that Jason didn't give out the final final rose last time, because it means he sees a future with all of them, and I hate to tell Chris that unless this is turning into Big Love Bachelor, there's still going to be only one proposal whenever this mess runs its course.
So: there's a group date and two "very romantic" one-on-one dates. There won't be a rose given out on any of those dates; it's just about spending time with Jason. Then Chris tries to make it seem like he's pulling the rug out from under everybody by telling them, "All of you will be leaving this house." That's because they're all going to Seattle, which is where the rose ceremony is going to be. Melissa thankfully explains to us the importance of going to Seattle: "One of us is going to be moving there and starting our life there."
So Jason also explains that it's important the women come to Seattle because it's not just about whether a particular woman is right for him, or just about if they're right for Jason and Ty together, but also about if she "fits" in Seattle, and I'm kind of amazed that moving to where his future temporary-fiancee lives is not at all an option.
There's Jason arriving home, and he's trundled his suitcase like half a mile down the street, just for the purpose of having some video to hang a voiceover on. And there's a sweet reunion between Jason and Ty. "Not having Ty is like not having part of my heart," says Jason, and I wonder how much he thinks about giving up a piece of his heart for the chance to go spend time with the likes of DeAnna and Megan and Lauren. "My favorite part of Seattle is Ty," he says, and I hate to tell Jason that Ty is not exactly the Space Needle. I mean, if you left Seattle, Ty would come with you, Jason.
So Jason is waiting at the hotel entrance for the women's limousine, and I imagine the other guests of this fine establishment appreciated all the squealing and carrying-on as the five drunken bachelorettes spill out of the limousine into the arms of their sugar daddy. To imagine how the women are behaving, think of what it would feel like if you heard there was an accident involving the bus your spouse takes to work every morning, and several people were killed. And now imagine that you rush down to the accident site because you don't know if he or she is OKAY. And then you see the love of your life among the survivors being tended to. The elation and happiness you feel in that moment is approximately half what the women seem to be going through upon seeing Jason standing there. Jillian tells us that she "literally catapulted" out of the limo.
So Jason takes them up to the room where they'll be staying, and Naomi drapes herself all over the grand piano, and then Jason announces that Melissa is getting the first one-on-one date. Naomi immediately starts to sulk because, as she tells us, she assumed she would get the first date. It's logical, she says, because she hasn't had one yet. She hasn't figured out yet that "logic" has barely a passing relationship with this show.
So there's Melissa all excited getting ready for her date, and I can't tell if she looks nice or not, because my attention is drawn to this weird asymmetrical snake-clasp thing holding her dress on her boobs. And there's Jason getting ready while Ty is acting sulky and grumpy. He might be upset that his dad is going on a date, or he might be just annoyed that his dad likes to just casually take his shirt off and then wander around shirtless.
So Melissa waits for Jason to arrive, and 7:30 comes and goes, and Naomi says something about Jason being a "bad boyfriend" and I have to agree that dating several women at the same time isn't exactly something that most women look for, NAOMI. And then there's Jason explaining in an interview that Ty really did not want him to go on the date. And it's clearly taken from the same interview they showed just a few minutes in which Jason talks about how excited he is to take Melissa on this date, which he obviously knew at the time wasn't going to happen, and I continue to marvel at how stupid the producers of this show think its audience is.
I'm not exactly sure why Jason couldn't have called LONG before 7:30, but he's half an hour late or so before he finally calls Melissa and explains about Ty not wanting him to go. And he is calling from a PHONE BOOTH or something, like do those even exist anymore? And he asks her if she wants to come over here instead, and she's all "absolutely!" I mean, what's she going to do, pitch a fit? Amusingly, she asks if she can put her stretchy pants on instead (Naomi and Molly, listening in, gape at each other), and Jason says she can do whatever she wants to do.
So she gets off the phone and at first she wasn't even going to explain to the other women what was going on, and they call her back to the dining table so she can say that she's not going out on the town at all because Ty doesn't want his daddy to go out. "That's real world," says Stephanie, explaining this happens with kids all the time. That's not what concerns the rest of the women though: it's that now Melissa's going to have a chance to meet Ty, who's such a big part of Jason's heart. It's nice that they think of Ty as, like, taking control of Asia during a game of Risk.
So Melissa shows up at Jason's house and there's a note on the door that says she can just come on in, and Jason's just upstairs putting Ty to bed and he'll be down as soon as he can. She hasn't actually changed out of her dress, by the way. In an interview, she talks about how it was "so cute" that there were some toys left out and a couple of half-eaten slices of pizza on the table, so she "played the role" and cleaned everything up and sat down to wait.
So upstairs, Jason is reading a story and NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO SAY HELLO TO HIS GUEST, who is pouring herself some wine while she waits, like HOW RUDE IS JASON, and he finally deigns to make an appearance, and he notes that she didn't change, and she says she wanted to "come right over" which I guess was necessary so that she could clean up after the two Mesnick slobs and then sit around waiting like an idiot. He gets all horndoggy over the dress she's wearing, and then she changes into her stretchy pants which turn out to be short shorts, and in an interview he horndogs it up some more by talking about how she always looks amazing.
So he tells Melissa that he's not ready for anyone to meet Ty just yet (but ready to display Ty to millions of television watchers), but maybe they could go up and peek in on him (and, you know, have Melissa melt and feel even more like she's "mommy" than she did after cleaning up a couple of dinky cars and pizza plates). Which is exactly what happens. "I'm not ready for any of the girls to meet Ty yet, but of course I want to show him off." Aww. Isn't it so sweet that Jason doesn't want Ty to meet just anyone? EXCEPT FOR THE CAMERAMAN WHO MIGHT BE THE REASON TY IS CRANKY AND RESTLESS IN THE FIRST PLACE? And then the two of them blather on about loving someone so much, and Jason wants more, and Melissa tells him she'd be thrilled to squeeze out some for him.
"I think we're all feeling a little stung right now": Molly. Naomi feels like she's right back to square one.
Back at the hotel, the other women, who probably should have brought a damn book or an iPod or some shit, are talking about nothing else but how tough it is on them knowing that Melissa's over at Jason's house right now.
They'd probably be even more worried if they could see just how well it's going. Jason asks about Melissa's family, i.e. who he'd meet on a hometown date, and Mel
issa talks about how she's the "black sheep" of the family, and the only evidence she has is that she's "more outgoing," which would make her, at worst, an off-white sheep. And of course she's perfectly fine with staying in tonight, she says, and thankfully they start making out because I couldn't stand to listen to another word.So the date card shows up for the first group date, and Naomi is still irked about not going on a one-on-one date. "It was kind of hard to swallow," says Naomi. Well, thank god she's not saying that after a one-on-one date. The card reads "Love is in the air," and it's a date for Stephanie, Molly and Jillian, which means Naomi's going to be getting a one-on-one date.
So the women show up on a ferry for the group date with Jason, and here's hoping this three hour tour leaves everybody shipwrecked on an island for a few years. Jason and the women admire the view and look at the houseboats, including the one from Sleepless in Seattle where Tom Hanks's character lived.
Jason takes Stephanie aside so they can go up into the engine room. This also means we're going to hear Stephanie make more pronouncements like "I have been married before and know what it takes to make a marriage work" in her Southern drawl. In the engine room, the captain lets Stephanie take the wheel and she's all excited about piloting the boat, like she's eight years old. But it's all because of the company, you see. "Steering the boat was something I'd never done before, and having Jason right to me was the icing on the cake." In an interview, Jason says, "Stephanie and I's [sic] relationship is different for a lot of reasons, first of all, because of our bond with our kids." Yeah, the relationship is a lot more boring, first of all, because that's all you two TALK about. Even here, Jason is all, "Hey, remember when Sophia visited? That was awesome," and it was, like, a WEEK ago. Meanwhile, out on the deck, Jillian and Molly are commiserating about how hard this is getting because everybody has feelings for Jason, and I have a hard time understanding what women think they're getting into when they go on this show. And if they weren't EXPECTING to have feelings, then why go on the show at all? You know, "famewhore" is a word used all too loosely these days, but ...
So you'd think someone who actually lives in Seattle would come up with more interesting cultural touchstones than Sleepless in Seattle and now Frasier, but here's Jason taking the women to a radio show because he needs a little "outside help" in whittling down the women from five to four. So he goes into a soundproof room, so the women can't hear him while he talks to the hosts, Jackie and Bender.
"I loved watching him talk and how confident he was," says Stephanie. Yeah, it's almost like he's spoken words before. How's his breathing? Is his blinking particularly praiseworthy too? Since the women can't hear what Jason's saying (a concept I heartily endorse, by the way) they amuse themselves by trying to read his lips. "He's saying, 'Molly, I love you,'" jokes Molly. Hee!
So the hosts are asking all the tough questions like, "What's been the best date so far?" Jason's awfully reluctant to get pinned down on a lot of the questions. "The most amazing date has been with Stephanie so far," he says, and goes on about how amazing it was to be there when Stephanie was reunited with her daughter (and again I'd like to point that it's rather inane for Jason to get "brownie points" for reuniting Stephanie with Sophia because it's Jason's fault they were apart in the first place). So then Jackie wants to know who the best kisser is, because Jason's kissed them all, not that she's judging him. Neither is Bender; "You gotta kick the tires before you buy the car, man." After much hemming and hawing, Jason picks Molly. Naomi and Melissa are listening to the radio broadcast at home instead of doing something fun, and Melissa's devastated, even though it's possible Jason might have been answering the question as it pertained to the three women there at the station with him. So they're actually going to blindfold Jason and make him identify the three women.
They bring the women into the broadcast room and blindfold Jason with a pink feather boa, like what is THAT about, and then they send up Jillian, Stephanie and Molly to swap some spit with Jason. "I just forced my tongue right into his mouth and touched his tonsils, so he'd know it was me," explains Jillian in an interview before cracking herself up and revealing that she's kidding. Stephanie completely gives her kiss away by kissing Jason's hand first and explaining to us that she hoped he'd recognize the "tenderness and softness." Molly grabs his face, because, as she tells us, she always grabs his face when she kisses him.
So after the blindfold is off, the hosts ask Jason to identify who kissed him first, second, etc., and Jason just points at them, like YOU ARE ON THE RADIO, YOU IDIOT, NO ONE CAN SEE YOU POINT, and of course he identifies them all easily, and then the hosts get a little racier and ask each woman what they're like in the bedroom. Molly identifies herself as a "lingerie girl," and Jillian comes across the least ridiculous by saying "I like fun when it comes to sex," and then there's Stephanie who swings for the seductive fences and starts going on: "Whenever I'm with a man, I just want to make sure he's completely taken care of. If that means I have to kiss every square inch of him..." and that was all I could take so I fast-forwarded the rest of the scene, which means I missed where the women explain that Jason's more of a man because he has a kid, whereas I can't recall any woman on this show before being bummed out that the bachelor didn't already have a maturity-conferring kid from another relationship.
So now Jason and the women are going to dinner together, in some trendy restaurant where none of them seem to actually have any idea just what it is that they're eating. Jason steals Jillian away for some one-on-one time, and it's one of those inane conversations that sound like someone recorded a bunch of daytime talk shows featuring marriage counselors, put them in a blender, and then just started spewing out the result. For Jillian, it's the stereotypical, "I never expected to have feelings for you but now I find myself having feelings for you" conversation that I have heard seemingly a billion times, give or take, and they talk about who Jason would meet on a hometown date. Then they start kissing.
Back at the hotel, Naomi's date card reads: "Don't look down, or you might... fall in love." And she has now completely shifted gears and thinks it's AWESOME that she didn't get the first one-on-one date, because now she'll have seen Jason last before the rose ceremony. Speaking of completely changing directions, Melissa is completely jealous, like Shannon-level jealous, of Naomi's date. Which is odd, because I seem to remember Melissa talking about how perfect it was just to hang out with Jason at home.
And then they go back to dinner, for a little while, anyway, and the women want to know how he could tell who was doing the kissing during that stupid radio test, and Jason just shrugs it off as different lips, different styles, different people, and the women treat him like he mapped the human genome for god's sake. And then Jason hauls Molly off to go walking over half of frigging Seattle, so at what point is this not actually a group date anymore? Like how rude is it to leave your dates and actually physically leave the restaurant? Like the other women (except for Stephanie), Molly gets asked about who Jason would meet in Michigan on a hometown date, and Molly talks about how important her family is to her and how after she dated some douchebag she now won't date someone her family doesn't approve of. That should be simple, if you'd just avoid douchebags. Then they start making out too, and Molly is thrilled that she's kissing Jason in Seattle. "I'm going to be doing it for the rest of my life!" she says. She actually says that she wonders why the other women are even bothering.
So it's time for Naomi's date. They meet by a river or canal or fjord or whatever, and then wind up going up in a floatplane. Which is cool, but not exactly "surreal," as per Naomi. Thankfully we are spared too much of the inane babblings of the two of them up in the plane, and go rather quickly through to the part of the date, which is going to a sporting goods store that has a huge rock-climbing wall.
Back at the hotel, the women are crowded around the phone for a spearkphone conversation with Sophia. In an interview, Stephanie is reminding us that her being a mom with a kid the same age as Ty "speaks volumes," which I disagree with. She also thinks Naomi isn't as mature as the other women left, which might be true.
After a little horseplay and tonsil hockey on the climbing wall, Naomi and Jason settle in for some insipid conversation on a ledge. Naomi on her favorite thing about Seattle: "Here it seems like it's a mix of pretty, and the country life, and then, like with the trees, everything's so pretty." So many of my brain cells have died! She wants to know what he's looking for in a wife, and he starts talking about ... oh, I can't tell. Someone has to fit his life, which means they have to understand that he's in Seattle for Ty (by which I think he means he's not moving Ty away from his mother). I don't know. I tried to entertain myself by counting how many times Jason says "like" when he talks, but then my calculator caught fire.
So then after the rock climbing is a dinner by a huge bonfire of a fireplace. "Here's to, like, a completely awesome day," says Jason. Man, if you're looking for someone who talks like someone from a Sweet Valley High book, Jason's your guy. Jason wants to know more about Naomi's "family dynamics." Clearly he knows this is going to be an issue for her, and she talks about how her mom was ninetee
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n when she had her, and then "fell out of love" with her dad, and her dad didn't get over for a long time, and blah blah. "Are you afraid that what happened to your mom and dad could happen to you?" asks Jason, and Naomi prattles on about commitment, and compatibility, and I have no idea at all what any of this is supposed to mean. "Today I climbed a wall, and walls came down," says Naomi in an interview, clearly having waited all day to use that line.Then there's this weird scene where all the women are in the bathroom, and Jillian and Michelle are in their bathing suits and having a bubble bath and drinking, while Molly and Stephanie sit there, and they all talk about their own insecurities. None of them hits on the right one, based on this scene: too BORING AND ANNOYING.
Jason and Naomi are cuddling after dinner, with Naomi talking about how she opened up with him today. In an interview, Jason praises Naomi for how she really answered all the questions he had about her. "I had so much fun today. I'm, like, glowing right now," says Naomi.
"This week has been really tough, but it's been worth it," Jason tells us, adding that the hometown dates are going to be important because he doesn't want to make the wrong choice. "These women are all quality, huge-hearted beautiful people, and this is where I could make a mistake," he says.
At the hotel, all the women are engaging in their favorite activity: talking about Jason. Naomi says having a one-on-one date made all the difference. Jason surprises them all by showing up, and says he needs to talk to Jillian. "If anyone might break my heart, it might be Jillian," he says. He wants to make sure that if he's going to propose to her, she's actually going to be in love with the awesomeness that is himself.
So they go to a coffeeshop and then the two of them are still shitting out dozens of self-help pamphlets on love. Jillian sounds nervous as she talks about showing Jason her soft side. I just can't take this scene. We've reached the part of the season where the words are just bouncing off my skull and I actually have to concentrate too hard to make it through all the blather and talk of "connection" and ... I don't talk like this, I don't know anyone who does, except people who watch this shit and then think that this is the way you talk about matters as important as love, and this is what happens when the contestants' own brains start rebelling against the ridiculous that is this show and refuse to let you be seen as anything but babbling fools. I can't tell you what they're saying to each other because I honestly don't know. I can only rewind it so many times when it's two hours of this shit, and I have another job and I'd like to sleep at some point. Anyway, finally, seemingly convinced that Jillian is on her way to being in love with him, Jason rams his tongue down her throat.
Once again, Jason tells us that this decision is "so important because I have to choose the right people." Really? It's important to make the right decision because you need to make the right decision?
Chris Harrison shows up for a chat before the rose ceremony, and Chris endearingly starts doing his thing where, when he's talking to the bachelor, he starts adding "man" to the end of each sentence. Jason talks about how, now that he's home in Seattle, the momentousness (or maybe that should be momentous stupidity) is really starting to hit home for him, because it was in doing the hometown date with Deanna that everything seemed to change for him. One thing's for sure, though: He needs to make the right decision, because it's important that the right decision is made.
We reminisce over the date with Melissa (with clips shown because we're too stupid to remember what we just watched). Jason wonders, "Can someone be that perfect for me?" Chris wonders if he's waiting for "the other shoe to drop."
More praise for Stephanie, and Jason says if he winds up with her, then he'll be the "luckiest guy in the world." Does that mean, if he picks someone else, he'll be at best the second-luckiest guy in the world?
Quick hit and run commentary on the other women. Molly: "The attraction is obviously there!" Jillian: "Needs to be there for me!" Naomi: "Really opened up to me!"
Chris says he knows Jason must be struggling with the decision, and Jason agrees, and Chris leaves so Jason can stand and look out the water for eleven hours. "I can see my life with any of these five women, so it's a huge decision." You see, he's choosing women to go on hometown dates, and that's when it gets really serious. I love how the level is always when it gets really serious. "I didn't get any sleep at all last night," says Jason. So you literally were sleepless in Seattle?
Let's get the madness over with. Chris greets the women at the rose ceremony, and tells them that Jason's really struggling with his decision, as the women who move on tonight get hometown dates.
Jason comes out to say this week has been "unreal" and this is really important, and blah blah blah, and he got "most" of his questions answered. "I do have somebody I still want to talk to tonight, so Naomi, can I talk to you for a second?"
After Naomi leaves with him, the other women huddle up to figure out what they're talking about, but one things for sure -- he's probably not sending Naomi home.
Maybe we'll get lucky, and he and Naomi are having sex in the bathroom? Oh, goody, they're having a BORING CONVERSATION. Jason wants Naomi to make sure that she knows that dates with him won't always consists of floatplanes and rock walls. Really? Naomi assures him that she knows that sometimes a date will mean popping a movie in after Ty goes to sleep, and Naomi assures him that she knows that and so wants that, and is so over the single lifestyle. So they hug and go back inside, and Jason apologizes to the other women; it was just that he had to be reminded that whatever he says he wants is what the women will say they want to.
He makes a big show of sighing before picking up the first rose to hand out. Jillian. Yay! Go, Alberta! I liked Jillian this week. She seems the most down-to-earth, apart from all the annoying relationship blather. Melissa's . Then Molly, who covers her face. "It's been a tough night," she says. Naomi can barely conceal her scowl, since she thinks she's obviously going home. Stephanie's just staring at Jason, eyes like laser beams.
Final rose? Naomi. She smiles. Stephanie looks down. Naomi's oblivious to the fact that Jason's staring at Stephanie over her shoulder when he hugs her.
After Naomi goes back to the other women and takes Stephanie's hand, Jason says, "I want to say this in front of everybody: You are ... [fakes breaking down] the most amazing person I've ever met. And I think we are all better people because of meeting you here." Naomi and Molly start to cry as Jason talks about how beautiful she is outside and in, and Jason says he's lucky to have met her. Not to be outdone, she thinks he's awesome too: "You are an incredible man, and I wish you the best."
So Jason takes her outside while the remaining women hug (Stephanie tells one of them to make Jason very happy), with Molly comforting Naomi, who's just bawling. Sitting together, Jason tells Stephanie that he meant every word, and then they talk about how the connection wasn't really there. "I wanted it to be there," says Jason. God, I love how before a bachelorette is eliminated the bachelor will talk about the connection they have, but then they get axed and they say the connection just wasn't there. Anyway, Jason wants her to have someone who gives her everything she deserves. In an interview, he talks about wanting to have Steph around as a friend forever. And everyone should have a friend like Steph!
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He sees her off in the limousine, in which she gets philosophical, very que sera, sera about it. She wants to bring someone into her family again for her and Sophia, but it didn't happen this time. "One day I'm going to heaven and see Steve again." Wait: you didn't say that to Jason, did you?Discuss this episode in the Bachelor forums!
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