We don't just open with "previously on" scenes, but "coming up tonight!" scenes which I think was last used on The A-Team.
At the mansion, Chris tells the women there will be one group date and two one-on-ones, and the women going on the one-on-one dates need to have their bags packed, because if they don't earn a rose, they're going home. In a talking head, Shayne can't even imagine the possibility that she wouldn't get a rose. "I would die!" she says.
Holly's going to a private premiere of Made of Honour with Patrick Dempsey, and here's hoping he one day gets back to the career high that was Can't Buy Me Love. Holly and Matt take a limo to the red carpet premiere at Grauman's Chinese Theatre (formerly known as Mann's Chinese Theater. You know the one. It's the famous one. If you're saying to yourself, "Is that the theatre where..." the answer is yes). There are a ton of "paparazzi" there, and I'm sure none of them is being paid by ABC or anything. I mean, it's not an actual premiere with the stars of the movie or anything. Holly and Matt are literally the only ones going to the movie, but the paparazzi phalanx is Britney-just-went-into-a-hair-salon size. Holly says she and Matt felt like a celebrity couple, which I guess means they're going to be divorced any day now. They even get interviewed on the red carpet by a couple of "journalists." Holly's asked what it was about Matt that she fell for. Contractual obligation? Holly says something about how charming it is. I mean, he is. Now they're putting their hands in CEMENT for crying out loud, and I have to go lie down.
Wow, this is exciting! Clips of a movie! Thumbs up from Matt! Holly cries during the movie. "But he comforted me, and I loved that," she says. Looks to me like he made fun of her. Anyway, we go to commercial, but it's hard to tell, because in an UNBELIEVEABLE coincidence, it's a commercial for Made of Honour.
Later on, Matt and Holly, still praising the movie, head over to the penthouse suite of a nearby hotel. It's got a fantastic rooftop terrace, where they go look at the theatre, and it appears photos are now being taken of actual celebrities.
Matt asks her about writing children's books, and Holly fascinatingly talks about babysitting kids and getting attached them and then writing a book called I Miss You or some such.
The date box arrives at the mansion, and the women accidentally yell "Tyra mail!" It's the group date -- they're playing football, British style. Everyone's going except Shayne, and dingbat that she is, is the last to figure out that she's getting the other one-on-one date.
Back at the penthouse, Matt and Holly are having beers and steak. "I find you, like, extremely attractive," he tells her, and asks if she sees in him what she wants in a future husband. You'll never believe this, but she says yes. Matt says he's concerned that they're almost too comfortable with each other, whatever that's supposed to mean. He explains that it might mean there's no electricity between them.
Back at the penthouse, a knock on the door lets the women know that someone's dropped off the hardened cement with the handprints and "Matt + Holly" scratched in it, and the women react like there's a corpse on the doorstep.
Back at the penthouse, Holly and Matt get cozy in the hot tub. Matt's got his arm around her, and reels her in for some kissing. "It just completely broke the ice," he says in a talking-head. I always break the ice by sucking face with someone. Works great. Holly gets her rose, and Matt voices over something inane about being with a "hot girl in a hot tub," and it's hard to believe that I made it three episodes in before using the word "wanker," but here we are.
So the group-dating women arrive at a field in shorts and rugby shirts, and Matt's going to teach them how to play, along with a woman named "Jax." In a talking-head, Ashlee says she doesn't like American football or British football, or any of that (bleep). I'm sure she'd tell Matt that to his face. Not that he'd pay any attention to her face, what with the short-shorts she's wearing. Matt's impressed with how Robin plays rugby. Amanda also says he gave her lots of help.
Back at the mansion, Holly and Shayne talk about Shayne's upcoming date, with Shayne moaning about how she needs to tan. Holly brought a spray tanner, which I assumed meant a little bottle. Instead, there's something the size of an emergency electricity generator. Holly applies it to Shayne's already decently orange skin, and we even need some black bars to cover up Shayne's business.
The rugby dingbats then choose up sides with Ashlee getting picked last (due to her fake eyelashes, according to Chelsea). I would think it's confusing because they're all wearing the same shirts, but I think this is more about women wrestling in the mud than following any rugby rulebook.
Marshana gets hit in the face, and stumbles away, and gets no sympathy from the other women, who figure it's a plot for one-on-one time for Matt. Then they pretend to feel bad when they find out Marshana actually got a busted lip. More rugby, with Jax announcing that the winner is Team Gangsta, and I think those women should be sent home right now for that stupid name. Matt leads a round of applause for Marshana, and then he says the women outshone all the expectations he had, and they're going back to his place for a party.
Back to Matt's pad to hang out. "It was really hot to think of him sleeping in that bed," says Robin, who really needs a hose turned on her. There are two masseurs on hand to rub the women down. Marshana says that made her like Matt even more, as if Matt had anything to do with it.
The women get down to their bikinis for some last-minute campaigning for the rose, and then Matt invites Kelly for some massage down. "I like it really hard," says Kelly, and Matt says, "You like it really hard?" and Kelly slaps him, as though her double-entendre wasn't entirely intentional. Before long, the masseurs are gone, and Kelly's going to work on Matt herself.
Meanwhile, the other women chat about who's going to get the rose. And later, alone with Matt, Robin tells Matt she doesn't want to do stupid things to get his attention, and he gives her some general compliments, and they get in a hot tub, which is hopefully hot enough to sterilize Matt's mouth, because they start kissing.
The other women press Kelly for some information about the massage she gave him. I think she held back, because I didn't hear the words "happy ending."
Amanda gets some alone time, which is great for her, because she's worried that she's coming off as boring or reserved. Hey, if you ain't gonna put 'em on the glass, that's not Matt's fault. She asks if he likes music, and he's talking about classic George Michael, and then Kristine and Noelle show up and plunk themselves down and just SIT there stone-faced while Amanda talks to him. She says she likes "all sorts of different music" like just PICK some groups instead of the bullshit non-committal "I like everything!" response, which is always untrue.
So the date box shows up for Shayne, and she gets excited because wine is going to be involved. Or something. I'd think she'd consider her brain cells to be endangered enough without being excited about killing more off.
Time for Matt to award the rugby rose, which is going to Robin, for her amazing moves on and off the field. Robin better watch her back. "I don't think Robin deserved the rose at all," says Chelsea in a talking-head. Try to guess who Chelsea thinks deserved the rose.
The day, Matt babbles about going on a "hot date with a hot woman in a hot car." They're going to a wine estate in Ojai in a black Maserati. Chelsea talks about how some other woman going away with her man is not a good time. "I've never done wine-tasting before even though I love wine," burbles Shayne. They arrive at the estate, and Matt uses his favorite word, "amazing," a few times. He says today's going to be interesting because of Shayne's tantrums. That's it, he's a crackhead.
So they sit and drink wine, and Matt asks about her family, and Shayne tries to demur. "It's not like you would know who my dad was," says Shayne. Wow, she's embarrassed. She tells him her dad is Lorenzo Lamas, which she ALREADY TOLD HIM. She says he was on Renegade and Matt pretends to know what it is (if he does know what is, he does a great job of not cracking up). She talks about her parents divorcing and remarrying a lot, which Matt takes to mean that she's more mature than most 22-year-olds. "I'm not saying I'm more mature than most 22-year-olds," says Shayne. That means we agree on something! They talk about being ready for marriage, and Matt says he's ready now, and Shayne says she doesn't believe men are ready for marriage when they're 30, and I think Shayne needs to stop reading Maxim to find out what guys think (adult guys, anyway). Shayne, here's another tip for you: actual men don't wear Axe either. And bullshit melodrama doesn't get rewarded with more dates.
We head back to Matt's place for an intimate dinner. Matt says Shayne is the "ultimate L.A. sex kitten" and he wants to be proved wrong that that doesn't go along with high drama. What more proof does he need that it does? At dinner, Shayne admits to being high-maintenance. Women, listen up: if you can admit that? Fix it. Seriously. It's not cute. It's not endearing.
Matt admits to owning 400 pairs of shoes, I think, and then puts forth his Shoes or Handbags Theory, which is that women are either into shoes or handbags. Shayne's into, in this order: Cars, Shoes. Handbags. Sunglasses. Watches. "I think if you have all those five, it doesn't matter what you're wearing on your body," she says. Shayne should stop saying things.
"Sometimes I think she's one sandwich short of a picnic. The other times I think she's the best thing since sliced bread," says Matt in a talking head. It'd be helpful if we say any of the sliced-bread moments, actually.
In a talking head, Shayne says she forgot about the rose until it was brought out onto the table, and that if she doesn't get one she'll be just devastated. And when she says "saw it" it sounds like "sawl it."
Back at the mansion, the other women look bored to tears as Robin babbles on about Matt, and Amanda gets her chronic stress hiccups. Robin continues to babble. Sweet Jesus, she's annoying.
Back at Matt's place, he's arranged dessert and more wine on rugs in front of the fireplace. "I took a huge leap of faith," Shayne tells him, whatever that's supposed to mean. They snuggle in front of the fireplace, and then Shayne curls up all daddy-issues in his lap. Then they make out. "She makes me feel like a sixteen-year-old boy who has to do something smart," he says, and in this case, "something smart" is sneaking off to grab the rose and hide it close by as he talks about how he loves being with her and her "amazing beautiful eyes" and she says she hates the whole rose thing and he whips it out (the rose, guys) and she's all, "Where did that come from?" My god! It used to be on the table, and now it's not! Could it be ... magic? Then Matt jingles his keys in front of her and she gets all excited, and then he pulls out a laser pointer and aims it at the wall, and Shayne goes absolutely nuts pawing at the wall trying to get at the red dot.
Back to the mansion for Matt, who's excited about being one step closer to love or whatever. Chelsea sits down with Matt for a chat, and she talks about how she thinks about him all the time. "I've missed you and thought about you," says Matt, and leans in for a smooch. Can you taste the lies on his tongue? Or is that just Shayne's spray tan?
Noelle's having a heart-to-heart with Robin, saying she's a "matter-of-time" girl, meaning it's only a matter of time before she goes home. So decline the rose if he offers you one, says Robin, who has a vested interest in other women going home. "I'm like one of the few people here who is, like, real."
Robin goes to interrupt a one-on-one session with -- I'm not sure who she is, but she races over to the other women who decide to bust up Robin's one-on-one. He points out Robin already has a rose, and goes off with the other women. Marshana feels it's about time "someone bust Robin up."
In the kitchen, Shayne and Chelsea confront Robin for interrupting the other women. As annoying and desperate as Robin is (and I actually liked her in the first episode) at least she understands that the show is about taking Matt from the other women. Yet another reason why I hate competitive reality shows: stupid people who don't understand that only one person wins. I mean, Chelsea actually says, "You can't compete for someone else's love," which would put her lower on the stupidity scale than Shayne, and maybe down there with Stacey. I mean, she's right. But this stupid fucking show is predicated on the notion that you can. And should. On the other hand, Robin? Here's the show's batting average: oh-for-eleven. Actually, all you women should take note of that.
Holly takes Matt outside to show him their concrete handprints and relive their date, and they make out some more.
And then, inside, wet blanket Chris spirits Matt away so he can winnow out three women who won't be back week.
Rose ceremony. Holly, Robin and Shayne already have roses, so they're safe. Six more to hand out. And they're going to: Amanda. Yay! She manages not to hiccup. Ashlee. Oh, god. Send her home already! Kelly. Chelsea. Noelle. Yay! I like Noelle too; I thought she was toast because she was barely in the episode. Final rose: Marshana, who almost breaks down. So, going home: Erin. "I came here to find love, so there is that disappointment." Amy, whoever that is. "I felt that Matt blew it. He didn't realize what he could had," says this "Amy" person. And Kristine, who says she thinks she didn't get a rose because she has a hard time opening up. "You blew me away 'cause I was massively into you," Matt tells her, and she acknowledges that she usually doesn't open up unless she knows someone is into her. Or whatever. God, who cares? Kristine, let me tell you this: you are now absolutely as married to Matt as the woman Matt eventually picks will be. So don't worry about it.