Previously on Crazy Hillary Took An Axe / And Gave Her Makeup Forty Whacks / And When She Saw What She Had Done / She Gave Her Hairstyle Forty-One: Brad whittled it down to two "ladies."
Tonight, Jenni and DeAnna meet Brad's fam; DeAnna rattles off the terms of her "love" for Brad like she's reading the fine print in a car commercial; and "Brad makes a last-minute decision that changes everything. Who will go home in tears? And who will become…Brad's wife?" Well, I thought I knew the answer to that, and then you pretty much gave away the ending, Chris.
A clean(-er)-shaven Brad, wearing a black t-shirt of great seriousness and accompanied by The Minor-Chord Guitar Of Difficult Decision-Making, drinks coffee on the balcony and broods. Brad is not a man to whom brooding comes naturally, so, as Brad VO talks about how it's an exciting day because the women get to meet his family, the footage of Brad suggests more of a "waiting for last night's rice and beans to head for the exits" situation.
Cut to the fam on the front walk, talking not-at-all-stagily about how they can't wait to see Brad. Mama Brad, whose hair looks like a deflated Phyllis Diller wig, is accompanied by Chad, and by the twins' younger brother, Vlad. …Okay, his name is actually Wesley, which is a pity; if you go with a rhyming name scheme, you should see it through to the end, in my opinion. On the other hand: "Weeeesleehhhhhh."
Not a lot of Clone High fans in the crowd, then? Okay, moving on. After Brad talks to his fam about how DeAnna is "strong and independent," DeAnna herself arrives, wearing a traffic-safety-orange top. Brad: DeAnna is from Atlanta, I loved her family the best, blah. DeAnna meets everyone, and fails to note that Wesley The Impaler looks like an exact and disconcerting hybrid of Brad and John Heard. Brad makes sure everyone knows how to pronounce DeAnna's name. Chad introduces himself as Brad. Ha. Not.
Brunch. Brad shares that DeAnna has tended bar for eight years, so they'll gain an employee as well as a family member. Heh, I guess, but…isn't she 25? Yeah, you can tend bar at 18 in some states, but the math is still wrong. Anyway, Mom talks in an interview about Brad's body language with DeAnna and how he's obviously into her. He seems more "obviously" nervous to me, and is interacting more with his family than with DeAnna, but okay.
At the table, Jenni is quizzed about the competitive aspect, and Mom asks if she's told Brad she loves him. Jenni rolls the dice on answering honestly and says she hasn't, and it's awkward, Jenni giggling and Brad stammering; Jenni explains that telling someone you love them shouldn't come out of a sense of feeling obliged to say it, which is solid reasoning generally but, as I've said before, a long-odds position to bet on The Bachelor. Sincerity, or at least trying not to come off like a bullshitter, can make a memorable contrast with the too-much-too-soon-ness of most of the other women -- and DeAnna specifically is relatively likeable, but does seem forced and overly businesslike by comparison -- but the idea is to get a diamond in six weeks, and trying to bring the rules by which you would try to build a relationship in the real world to bear here is really tricky. In any event, while Jenni's explanation makes perfect sense out here, in there, Mom seems sort of puzzled. "Aaaaand silence," Jenni chuckles, grabbing her wine glass. Heh, seriously.
Mom has some alone time with Jenni, and asks in a tough tone if Jenni understands that she's marrying the family and not just Brad, and does she have a problem with that. Jenni doesn't, and smartly refers to having "another mom to call" and welcoming more family members. Outside, the brothers ask Brad if he can see spending his life with Jenni; he can. Back inside, Mom asks Jenni if she's in love with Brad; Jenni takes a while to say that she's falling in love with Brad, and that feeling is growing as time goes on. Mom: What will you do if Brad proposes? Jenni: I'll say yes, let's go get married right now. …See above. I like Jenni, I think she's behaving with as much integrity as the process of the show allows, and "I really really like him and I want to see where things go" is a perfectly healthy attitude to take…if the goal is not a nationally televised marriage proposal on a short date. Interspersed with an 'etterview of Jenni fantasizing about her married name (…hee) is footage of the women getting up from the couch, and based on Mom's facial expressions, she's not a Jenni fan.
"Touch football" on the lawn. Jenni VO: I like his family, I look forward to joining it. At the car, "I hate saying bye" canoodly talk.
Brad VOs that he hopes to get some clarity from his mom. She tells him he's got his work cut out, and asks if he's "in love with her" -- she may actually say "in love with them," it's hard to make out, but Brad says it's tough because, when he's with one of them, he thinks of the other one, and he's going to break two hearts, "mine, and the woman that I don't choose." Interesting -- that he's thinking ahead to (and I guess worrying about) choosing one of them, but then feeling sad about the other one when it's supposed to be a happy moment. This is where I started to think he wasn't going to pick either of them. Mom says she had an easier time talking to DeAnna, and Brad immediately nods, "Yup," which I find weird, but she adds that she might have felt the same way if Jenni had come first, presumably because, once you've met one, then it's uncomfortable with the other one. Basically, Mom's like, they're both really great, so it's hard. Momterview: Brad is not one for grey areas, so having feelings for both women is messing him up.
Final date. DeAnna 'etterview: what real couples do, simple things in life, I see myself marrying him, blah blah. DeAnna has fixed lasagna, and a salad which appears to contain iceberg lettuce. Not that she should have made a Greek salad, necessarily, but if you want the man to take a knee, you make production spring for the red leaf. The conversation at the table is awkward, because the only thing these two really know how to talk about is their relationship and each other, so Brad has to fill a lot of dead air raving about the meal, and DeAnna is a little too pleased about knowing how to cook…maybe the last date always has these ooky antediluvian "let's make sure she can do homemaker stuff" overtones, I don't know, but it's still kinda gross. DeAnna doesn't seem to notice; she's psyched that Brad is talking to her about things like having kids and what happens if he leaves the toilet seat up. Oh, for the love of little apples. Can we please, as a culture, agree not to discuss the fucking toilet seat as if it has any relevance to relationships anymore? If it's not in the position you need, you can flip it up or down as necessary, because the thing about the toilet seat is that IT HAS A FUCKING HINGE ON IT. Who is in charge of bills? How much goes into savings every month? What happens if your baby is born with a serious illness? Where do we spend the holidays? It's a joke that these "relationships" get serious so fast, but if they're going to get serious, fucking get serious and don't waste your time or mine on dated-stand-up-comedy-routine bushwa like the goddamn toilet goddamn seat.
God.
So. DeAnna "laughs" that she wants things around the house done the way she wants them done. Brad laughs too, but son, she ain't joking. It's alllll fun and games until you put a drink down without using a coaster. The two of them curl up on the couch, and DeAnna delivers her "I want this for the rest of my life" spiel, blinking incessantly and using a baby voice that almost goes over. On and on she goes about how she's found what makes her happy and she knows it's not always perfect and she "can't imagine that" he shares "those things with anyone else," and she says that part semi-hard-assedly, which I think is a mistake, because you can sort of see Brad thinking that 1) she doesn't get it, and 2) because he does like Jenni also, he's fucked. Kissing, and once again it's DeAnna who makes the move. Brad VO: I can see "DeAnna and I" (argh) lasting forever, but…Jenni. He's confused.
After the commercials, Bradterview puts DeAnna out of his mind for his date with Jenni; Jennterview says she's a mess and very nervous, and as she greets Brad at the door, she continues tearily in her 'etterview that she wants to tell him she loves him, but she's scared. At the table, she talks about spending the day "preparing, for what is to come," and she feels silly getting all serious, but Brad encourages her to speak seriously because he's scared too and he needs to know if it's real, blah, so she begins to explain that he has nothing to feel scared about when it comes to her. And then she starts crying -- and apologizing for it, which she does about a dozen times, and it's rough in that situation, because you want the guy to focus on what you're saying and not on the crying -- and says that she knows it's "a lot of work" with her but she thinks she's worth it. Brad smoothes her hair. She would do whatever it takes to make him happy and make it work; it's important for him to know that. They hug. Brad reassures her, but over her shoulder, he looks doubtful. In a Jennterview, she half-cries that you want to know the other person loves you before you say it, and it's "the hardest day."
On the couch, Jenni presents him with a journal of her thoughts and feelings. It sounds really horrible and twee, but it's not that bad, actually; she wants to let him in on her emotional process, I think, and after she reads him a few selections about things happening for a reason and people you meet meaning something, she starts crying again and saying that she doesn't want it to feel too prepared, but she had to make sure he knew how she felt. During the recitation, and the many long pauses she takes in order not to lose it, Brad strokes her hair and looks, frankly, destroyed by the fact that he really likes her, but can't respond in kind. Jenni concludes by, you know, crying some more and apologizing for not expressing herself before because she was too scared; Brad calls that "the best words you can say to me," and sounds near tears himself as he hugs her.
If you'd like to put someone you care about through this emotional hell, log onto bachelor.abc.com!
Brad "wakes up," puts on a spending-money suit, and goes to Chopard in the limo to pick out a ring. Brad VOs about engagement rings symbolizing eternal love. Fans of diamond porn squirm on the couch as various rings get their close-ups. Brad picks a ring.
Fans of shirtless Brad get their turn to squirm as Brad gets dressed for The Final Rose Ceremony. DeAnna primps and puts on shoes. Brad VO: DeAnna is strong, independent, and loyal. We go to split screen as DeAnna admires herself in the mirror and Brad puts on his jacket. Cut to Jenni. Brad VO: Jenni is "so happy" (talk about damning with faint praise) and I see a lot of laughter in our future. Jenni in the limo. Brad in the limo, brooding at the ring. Brad VO: I never thought it would be this tough, but I'm confident in my decision. Split screen of Jenni and DeAnna in their respective limos, biting their lips nervously. Brad, brooding.
Cut to Brad standing on a stone dais in a garden, VO-ing about the hearts he's about to break -- including his own. The limo pulls up and discharges Jenni; the fact that she's first doesn't bode well for her. On the plus side, her hair looks really pretty. A nattily attired Chris Harrison opens the limo door for her and father-of-the-brides her to the top of the path, and then she heads down to Brad by herself. Jenni VO: If Brad proposes, it will make me "the happiest girl in the world," I want this so bad, et cetera. After her endless walk up the "aisle," Brad takes her hands. How are you? Good; you? Good. Brad gives a speech about liking her from the moment they met; her beautiful smile; how she brings out a side of him that nobody else has; her wonderful family. She's beaming. "So I'm standing here looking at someone who does bring out such a different side, to me, and…" He hangs his head. Pause. Then he snaps his head back up, seemingly having told himself to man up and blurt it out, and continues, "I hate to say this, but…I want something more, that I can't -- I can't find." Jenni's face falls. He didn't think he'd tell her goodbye, but here he is, it breaks his heart, blah blah. Jenni is crying now, and he goes on in that vein and then asks her please to look at him, which she does reluctantly, and which I don't like -- you just rejected her, dude. She doesn't want to make eye contact, for obvious reasons; respect that. He wants her to know how much he cares about her and how much this hurts him, and asks if she has anything to say. Jenni wiggles around, probably to prevent herself from just running away (which is what I would do, because Brad can do the postmortem his own damn self if this is how he feels, in my opinion); she has a lot to say but can't get the words out. Now she feels embarrassed for telling him how she felt. Brad tells her she shouldn't feel embarrassed for telling the truth about her feelings, which she shouldn't, but…easy for him to say. And…too soon. They hug. She sort of enjoys hugging him for the last time; he kind of hangs his arms on her back stiffly and, like, scratches her, it's weird. Sad guitar. Long pan of them hugging sadly.
He walks her out. Sad guitar. Close-up of the rose, as yet unclaimed. More hugs by the limo. Sad guitar. In the limo, Jenni weeps that this is why it's hard for her to tell people how she feels; she doesn't know what went wrong. Her dad told her that "there's one person in this life for you, and you'll find him" (aw…dads), but it's obviously not Brad. She tries to pull it together; she knows she's a good person and will make someone happy.
Brad returns to his Dais Of Heartbreak. The rose…remains!
DeAnna, still in her limo. Brad waits; Brad VO says that there isn't anything on his ideal-wife list that DeAnna "does not possess." A "…but" hangs in the air as Brad continues that it's hard to say goodbye to Jenni, but he's "even more scared" about what's . Nice attempt at misdirection, but Brad looks like he just ate a moth, so it's pretty clear he's not talking about proposing.
So, let's get to it. Chris offers DeAnna his arm; she VOs about "this amazing man," it's "the happiest [she's] been in a long time," she's excited and scared, she "honestly feel[s] it's meant to be." It seemed on first viewing, looking at her face, like she already knew Jenni hadn't gotten the rose, but it's hard to say for sure; as she climbs the stairs, she looks pretty confident. Brad goes into his speech: he's never met anyone like her; she's strong and independent; he saw her and boom; their first kiss was great. He looks down, then quickly looks back up and asks if she remembers saying that marriage is a "one time and one time only" thing for her? She does; he feels the same way, and he just said goodbye to Jenni…DeAnna looks victorious and relieved, and cocks her head, smiling expectantly…Brad takes a long pause while The Misleading Guitar Of Happy Endings twangs. He stares at DeAnna's hands and exhales sharply. Then he pulls at his tie and his shirt collar. Obviously production told him to do these things, but given that, he's selling the stage business pretty well. DeAnna gets a worried look. Brad excuses himself and walks around for a minute; DeAnna hikes her bodice up, and as Brad paces, she watches him, looking irritated. When he comes back, she gives him a look like "this better be good," and he reminds her that they promised they'd "be completely honest, right? No matter how much it could hurt?" Brad sees so many things in DeAnna that he never thought he would have in his entire life. Shot of DeAnna, and she knows what's about to happen, and she is pissed -- jaw set, nostrils flared. Brad has "so many feelings" for DeAnna, and really wants to feel confident about proposing: "But I can't look you in your eye and tell you that I love you. I can't."
…Daaaaaaaaaaamn.
DeAnna says nothing. Brad can't make her a promise he knows he can't keep. Although her eyes are filling with tears, she seems more mad than sad. She doesn't understand; she quizzes him on whether he thinks of her as a friend, which he doesn't -- it's because he cares about her so much that he doesn't want to mislead her. That is a tough line to sell, right there, but this is what I've liked about Brad -- even if he doesn't mean it, and I think he does (or at least thinks he does), he's enough of a gentleman to know that it's his only play here. Usually, though, that line is horseshit, and DeAnna calls him on it, that it doesn't make sense to let someone walk away if you care about her that much, and of course that's her only play here, but she must know that he can't really say anything else. Brad claims he didn't want to hurt her, and she's like, well, so much for that, ass. She wipes away "tears" and says that she's sure, but he's not. He asks if she knows how much he cares about her, and to her credit, she says, "No, I don't. No, I don't." She thought she did, until now. And…whatever, you know how I feel about her, namely that she doesn't really love him and mostly wants him to love her the most, but I for one really hate it when men give you the gate and then expect you to forgive them for it, like, on the spot. Again, Brad is doing it the nicest, most courteous way he can, and eventually she'll see that it's for the best; he's not a bad guy, but…you can't expect her to let you off the hook for it that day. It's like the "are you gonna be okay?" question -- yeah, probably, but it's not your business anymore either way, so let's just not.
DeAnna is actually crying now; her top lip is all slick with snot tears, which makes me kind of sad for her, and she whines that this is why she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve. Meh. This show isn't a good basis for that decision. Brad seems genuinely horrified at this comment (aw) and tells her, "Please don't say that," and hugs her from the side awkwardly as she stares furiously into the middle distance. The Casio keyboard plonks its sympathy. "What happens when you regret your decision?" Brad won't, but just diplomatically says he doesn't know. Then he says he's obligated to walk her out now, because they'll get into all this in more depth on tomorrow's "Reunion 2: Electric Bore-aloo." Only not exactly in those words. The Casio auditions for a spot in Coldplay. Shot of the empty dais.
At the limo, Brad repeats how much he cares for DeAnna. She's not having it. Brad asks, "You're closing me out here, aren't you?" Well, that choice has consequences, Brad; come on. After another "hug" during which he's gawkily cradling her head while she holds herself away from him, she gets in the limo. He watches the car pull out; he's all red in the face and teary-looking. Inside the limo, DeAnna whimper-cries in the manner of a six-year-old who's just watched a scoop of double fudge bump its way down the front of her new white party dress. Sad guitar. DeAnna says it's harder to deal with knowing that he didn't pick either of them; I'd think it would be easier (or at least I would take it less personally, if I were in her position). She doesn't understand; she didn't think he'd break her heart; she wishes he'd never said all the nice stuff he did; she's "sick of being that person, that makes that guy perfect for the one."
Sitting alone on The Dais Of Dumpage, Brad turns the engagement setting over and over in his meaty paw, probably wondering how he got himself into such a fine mess. Sad guitar plays us to the fade-out.
…Huh. Well, good for Brad; he handled that as well as he could have, short of not going on the show in the first place.
time: on yet another reunion show, which ABC is trying to fucking kill me by airing the very night after this one, Jenni and DeAnna are Not Happy, and Brad for some reason has agreed to let them share their feelings about that with him, at length. See you tonight!
Over the credits, we see DeAnna in the hallway of their hotel, shambling shoeless back to her room. It would have been awesome if she were sort of dragging herself along the wall like that scene with Sharon Stone at the end of Casino, but no -- she just goes into her room and slams the door.