Previously on It Puts The Lotion On Bettina, Or Else It Gets The Hose Again: Kristy wept. Jade got the boot (and pouted unattractively, in footage I don't think we saw last week). McCarten and Stephy went home. And I failed to realize that VO Guy is in fact Chris Harrison. Sorry, Chris! Call me!
Tonight: Bettina continues her estrangement from both face powder and the ability to converse in an interesting fashion; Hillary loses her shit.
Chris, attired in another unforgivable shirt, gathers the remaining 'ettes for the lowdown: two one-on-one dates, one group date, and no roses in play on any of them. The first date box/picnic basket is already in the room, and the invitation is for Bettina. Bettina unpacks the basket (...hee, "basket") and VOs that she feels confident there's "visible chemistry between" her and Brad. First of all, she means "tangible"; second of all, there certainly is not; third of all, shut up, Bettina. The girls figure out that the date involves a gondola, and Kristy reminds her that, when you go under a bridge, you have to kiss. Bettina's like, "Oh. 'Great.'" Awkward silence. "Very excited," Bettina fakes, taking forever to stuff a flower behind her ear, then smiles smugly and leaves the room. Everyone else is like, "Okay then." DeAnna 'etterviews that Bettina is playing the mysterious, hard-to-get angle, but doesn't seem bothered. Hillary stresses about the vibe between Bettina and Brad. Jenni, listening, isn't worried either.
Bradterview raves about all of Bettina's fine qualities, beautiful, the perfect package, blah. He has a bunch of observations to that effect over the course of their one-on-one, that she's "drop-dead gorgeous," that he wants to kiss her, that he could go anywhere with her and have fun -- and he's not selling any of them, probably because no one could. She's pretty average-looking, she has no discernible sense of humor, and around Brad, she acts like she's on an interview for a job she doesn't even want, and it's not like you can't spot the producer picks pretty easily anyway, but Brad is usually good at covering for that with gentlemanly sincerity. Here, he's droning his lines like a first-grader in the school play. "In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and the point of this one-on-one is to get Bettina to relax and be herself. The end."
As the two of them approach a picnic blanket on a pier, Bettina 'etterviews that she falls more and more in love with Brad every time she sees him, but she was brought up to play hard to get. They clink glasses, and Bettina says the picnic is awesome, and Brad monotones another one of his lines, and she gives a speech about feeling more comfortable around him.
Back at the house, the group-date box arrives. It's a pool party for everyone but Bettina and Sheena. Kristy is bummed.
Brad asks if Bettina has dated at all since her divorce. Bettina takes longer than she should to answer ("a little bit"), then goes into a rambly self-justifying monologue about not wanting to settle, "off the charts" this, "completely in love" that. So, she gets to snot off to/about the others that they don't have the first idea what marriage entails, yet it's fine for her to spout a bunch of happily-ever-after pie-in-the-sky Disney nonsense about it. Duly noted. Brad tells her that sometimes he wants to hug her so that she's okay; she flinches. Brad babbles about how beautiful she is, and she smoothes her hair compulsively. Man, she is so weird.
House. The girls discuss Bettina and whether she's competition. Hillary says that if Brad picks Bettina, she'll wonder what he was thinking. Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day, right?
Gondola ride. Brad has his arm around Bettina, who looks like she wants to swat it off. She's wound tighter than a spring, and she blames it on nerves, but she just isn't into him, really. I would bet money that her ex-husband cheated on her, so she went on the show to prove to herself that she could still attract a man, and could beat out other women at it -- but the specific man is completely beside the point for her. Exhibit A: her canned response to Brad talking about how he'll know when he's met the right woman. Exhibit B: the shtick she tries to put over in an 'etterview about letting her guard down, like she intends to do any such thing. Exhibit C: the super-stiff cheek kiss she gives him as they pass under a bridge, which he returns just as stiffly. Brad VO tells us that he could have kissed Bettina, but chose to listen instead, and be there for her. Translation: Mike Fleiss made me keep her so pass the champagne.
Pool party. Brad wants to get to know the remaining 'ettes in a more laid-back environment because that's how he rolls. Everyone is splashing around, playing chicken in the pool, and hurling themselves on the Slip 'N' Slide despite their tiny bikinis -- except Kristy, who refuses to touch the water in any way. DeAnna and Hillary 'etterview that Kristy's a stick in the mud.
Then it's time for Hillary to talk about seeing Brad with his shirt off, and how she'd let him "ravish" her, and how she wants him to [bleep bleep bleeeep bleep...bleep bleep], a catalog of sexual positions that goes on for a good thirty seconds and is not only bleeped but also gets her mouth blurred. Maybe a little overcompensation for lack of experience going on there. Brad and Hillary float on a raft, and Hillary tells him she gets "excited" every time she's around Brad (ack) and that she can't wait for him to meet her parents, because Brad reminds her of her dad in certain ways (aaaaack) and he's everything she's looking for (aaaaaaaaaaaaack). "Wow, thank you so much," a nonplussed Brad says. Hillary's move is to ask him bluntly what he thinks of her "right now." He...just did, but not in the way she's trying to hear, so he pays her a string of compliments and says how fun she is, and a Bradterview interrupts to say that he's not sure the chemistry is there, and then Brad continues to Hillary that he wonders "if it's too good of friends. [pointed 'geddit?' nod] You know? It's tough." It may seem sort of ambiguous when it's written out like that, but if you see the footage, it's seriously almost impossible to interpret that as anything but what it is, to wit: he doesn't like her That Way. Almost impossible...but not quite. Women (and men, for that matter) have told themselves since God was in short pants that the sentence "I don't want to lose our friendship" means "I'm afraid of my feelings," when in fact it means "I'm afraid my feelings are above-the-waist only." I have done it myself, which is why it is so very painful to watch Hillary doing it here, gazing at him all gooby-smile "we've got a secret." She VOs that she can tell by looking into his eyes, and from the way he looks at her, that "he feels there's a chemistry between" them, whereas everyone else on earth "can tell" that he's just squinting against the sun. Oh, Hillary.
House. Sheena gets her date box, and can't figure out the nature of the date; as she unpacks it, Bettina 'etterviews that Sheena is "just young," and not ready for marriage, "or even the idea of it." Well, she's old enough to have mastered matte makeup. Unlike some people. Named "Bettina."
Pool party. Brad grabs some alone time with DeAnna, Bradterviewing that she's a stronger woman than he's been around, generally. They talk about looking forward to seeing each other, blah, and Brad wants to kiss her, but he can't because the other three are watching, so he has to walk off the boner.
Then Brad invites Jenni for some alone time; the others discuss whether Brad and Jenni will kiss. Hillary is upset at the possibility. They get in the hammock and make out (aw), and a Jethro Tull-y flute tweetles ominously as Hillary deludenoids that Brad can't express his feelings for her right now because he's "jumbled up in his head" with all the other girls, and she starts to get teary in her 'etterview talking about how he can become her best friend and her lover and her husband and why is it Jenni and not her and oh, Hillary.
Bradterview: It's getting tense, but "I have to push through it, because the end result will be so positive." It's not a set of leg lifts, dude.
Back from the break. Brad VO: The date is a series of surprises, wah. Brad picks Sheena up; everyone sits on the couches and smiles through their sulks, except Jenni, who as usual is unruffled. In the limo, Sheena asks for a hint about the date, but Brad refuses, and she giggles. I like her. I don't see a ton of chemistry between her and Brad, and I think she would look better with her hair bobbed short, but she seems sweet and not fake.
First mystery stop: the foyer of a mansion, where Sheena gets to pick from six formal dresses arranged on dress forms (or, as Brad refers to them in his customary dad-ly style, "gowns"). She cracks a joke about saving the white dress for later, and it actually goes over. Then, descending the stairs, she falls down the last few, which I have totally done myself -- cheers, Sheena! Then it's time for a romantic dinner on the lanai, surrounded by white and beige balloons, and then she gets some diamond earrings, which she dutifully product-places. Sheena VO: I want to kiss Brad.
Coming up: DeAnna gets her kiss, two 'ettes go home, "and it's the most shocking goodbye ever...when Hillary loses her mind." Chris Harrison, you come sit by me this instant.
Back from commercial, Brad is asking Sheena why she's single right now. She says she's "incredibly picky," and Brad asks if that means she's going to "kick [him] to the curb," but he puts those daddish air quotes around the phrase with his voice. Hee. Does anyone else hope he comes back on TV in 20 years as The Dadelor? And his teenage daughter is going out on a date, and he's all, "And is this young fellow your main squeeze?" and she's like, "Oh my God, Dad," and he asks if she's planning to wear "those dungarees," and she's like, "JEANS, Dad, and I have to go now" and runs out of the house, and her boyfriend is like, "'Dungarees'? Your dad is hilarious." Anyway. Brad talks about how Chad liked Sheena, and then blabbers kind of pointlessly about how he's a genuine person and always real, and he didn't expect to meet people like Sheena, and he's happy she's there. Bradterview: Sheena rocks. Brad's starting to say something about meeting everyone's families when the string quartet starts up, and then we switch to Brad-And-Sheena-Cam going down to the poolside dance floor, and the hot tub is foregrounded in the shot, which is a weird juxtaposition with the so-called classy vibe they're going for. Dancing. Brad and Sheena kiss. Soaring striiiiiings!
Sheena 'etterview: Love hiiiiiim!
Soaring striiiiiings!
House. Sheena arrives home and tells Bettina and Jenni about the date. Bettina snots that it sounds "so much more exciting than our date," which she deems "boring" (well, she was on the date, so...go figure) and then she abruptly leaves the room with a chirpy "goodnight!" Jenni gives Sheena an open-mouthed "she did NOT" look. Sheena whatevers that Bettina missed the point of the date, and Jenni whispers, "She's not here for the right reasons." I'm saying.
Cocktail party! Hillary is overdressed compared to the other women -- more formal dress, more formal hair (and the style is too old for her) -- and she's sausaged into the top half of the dress. She's got a cute figure, but the bodice is shoving her boobs way up and cutting them across, and the halter makes her look humpy even though she isn't. You have to wonder if she didn't get set up by production on some of that. Bradterview: Tough decision tonight blah.
Sheena VOs that she's falling for Brad. They grab some alone time, and she reads him a poem she wrote for him. Brad doesn't know what to do with the sing-songy rhyme scheme, jenky scansion, and lines about his moles and ear-hair (oh, Sheena), but graciously asks to keep the poem (probably as evidence for the upcoming SRO hearing), and invites her to have a quick dance.
One-on-one with DeAnna. They joke about her butt looking good in her dress, but then Brad gets serious, asking if her feelings are real. She gives a good answer, about feeling nervous but enjoying the fluttery feelings, and after some more clumsy flirting, they kiss -- she sort of lunges in, which, good for her, but it doesn't look all that hot. DeAnna can't stop smiling. She 'etterviews that she wants a rose "really bad, actually."
Inside, Jenni is busting on Bettina for complaining about her date. I don't think I see how it concerns Jenni -- if anything, she should sit back and enjoy knowing that Bettina is a high-strung Debbie Downer -- but maybe the producers told her to bring it up. Bettina's explanation is that she "was totally joking around," and the delivery is almost as lame as the excuse itself. "I would hope that you didn't really mean it," Jenni schoolmarms. I like Jenni, mostly, but again: mind your own, Headbandy Richter. In an 'etterview, Jenni says, fairly nicely, that Bettina is two-faced, and she hopes Brad sees that in Bettina.
One-on-one with Bettina, Brad says that "that date was perfect." What? Come on, Brad. It looked about as perfect as jury duty. Bettina says she agrees, and she felt really relaxed. That's "relaxed"? What does "stressed out" look like -- the opening sequence of Saw II? Bettina tells Brad that, while she didn't feel comfortable "being intimate" with Brad before, now she knows "it's going to be...fabulous," and by the date's end, "I knew I wanted to kiss you, and I wanted your hands on me -- I want that." ..."I wanted your hands on me"? I...I have nothing. Brad says he doesn't "expect" anything from her (wisely; pardon my French, but it'll be a cold day in hell before this one puts out); she says what she feels for Brad is "deeper than anything I've ever felt." Uh...huh. She's totally trying to show up her ex, you guys. I mean, like he cares, but still. Brad doesn't know how to take that. They don't kiss.
Inside, the others discuss Bettina; Hillary angrily says she's sure Brad will see what's real. Then it's time for Brad and Hillary to chat poolside. I take a pillow, put a cat on it, put another cat on the first cat, and put the whole caboodle over my face because I can't watch. Bradterview says that, at the pool party, Hillary asked about his feelings, and he "had to be honest -- this girl is just a friend." He goes on that that's what he needs to communicate to her, "but how can I relay that to someone who won't listen to a word I'm saying?" Ouch. Alone with Hillary, Brad does several variations on an "I have to tell you the truth" theme, then says he loves the fact that it's friendly and comfortable with Hillary. Hillary, nodding brightly, is not getting it. Brad: "We've had something a little different, and again, I'm shooting straight with you, that's what's so confusing. About this whole entire process." It does seem from the reaction shot here like Hillary is starting to catch the snap, even though Brad is wimping out big-time, and should just tell her in so many words since she's not getting hints. Brad asks if Hillary's "following" him, and she says yes, and he asks if she's okay, and she says she's fine -- she's probably feeling the same way he is. And we all wanted to believe that maybe she was switching to an "oh no no no, I don't have any deeper feelings either, no sirree not me" strategy, buuuuuut no: she's on about how she knows there's a chemistry between them, and she repeats the line about how he could be her best friend, her lover, her husband, and Brad is rubbing her arm, thinking she's just processing the letdown, but she keeps going, and as she does, it's clear that she didn't get the message. She lights up around him. She's so lucky. He makes her smile from ear to ear. The camera swoops down to show him holding her hand and rubbing it gently, which probably confused the issue further.
Hillary 'etterviews happily that other girls might see them as just friends, but she feels more than that and she can see that he does too. Over footage of him hugging her with one arm as she beams cluelessly, Hillary VOs that she loves her dress, and she hopes it reminds him of a wedding dress and how pretty she'll look in one. And then she giggles saucily. God, this is awful.
Chris kicks off the Rose Ceremony: six 'ettes, four roses. Bradterview: It's a different mood tonight; I'm sad.
Rose Ceremony. The rose-ipients get to take Brad to meet the fam. Chris leaves; Brad gives a speech about starting his own family and embracing theirs, this is difficult, blah.
DeAnna gets the first rose. Jenni looks smug. Sheena looks tense.
Jenni gets the rose. Kristy smoothes her hair; I think she knows the game is up. Shot of Hillary looking irritated that Brad is making her wait so long.
Sheena gets the rose. Shot of Hillary with a "sweet, I'm " face on. Kristy steels herself to not be picked. Chris comes in. One rose left. Chris leaves. Shot of Bettina trying to look sultry. Shot of Kristy. Shot of Hillary, maybe starting to realize that she's not a lock.
The last rose goes, unsurprisingly, to Bettina, which is sick-making. Cut immediately to Hillary looking up and around, trying to work the meniscus so the tears don't fall. to her, her face buried in her rose, Jenni reaches over and rubs Hillary's back. Hillary makes a series of rubbery "can you believe me, crying? OH GOD SHOOT ME" faces and struggles to maintain. Chris comes in to tell Hillary and Kristy to pack it up. Jenni gives Hillary a big hug. Kristy says goodbye to Brad, and doesn't seem that bent about it; in the corner of the room, the others try to help Hillary pull it together, fanning her face to dry it off (aw), and then she comes over to Brad and hugs him too tightly and rocks him too much and holds on too long, and she has her eyes closed, and for a second I think he's going to have to peel her off, but she then makes her abrupt escape.
Out in the courtyard, it's all the scenes from the previews -- she can't breathe, "this sucks," and so on. It would have played much more dramatically if we hadn't seen almost the whole sequence already, but what can you do. Tellingly, one of the shots shows that her dress isn't zipped all the way up in back, so it's definitely too tight, and she's probably had a snootful of wine, which never helps matters. In an 'etterview, she's hiccupping that she doesn't understand what happened as a PA runs through the back of the shot.
Inside, the remaining four stand awkwardly, staring into the middle distance. Brad paces.
Hillary doesn't understand how Brad can say he's so genuine, and that he's the most comfortable with her, and yet she's "standing outside here now," she doesn't get it.
Inside. Hillary's ranting is audible in the R.C. room. Brad excuses himself to go deal with her.
Hillary is in love with Brad, now she has nothing, she's sobbing into her hands, mascara is everywhere. Brad comes out to comfort her and ask if she's okay, and she clings to him as he tells her, "Talk to me, please." I understand why he went out there, or was sent out there, but it was probably the kinder thing to let her get mad at him; it's undeserved, but to get faintly condescending sympathy from the guy you just found out doesn't like you Like That burns even worse. Anyway, she cries that she doesn't understand. He explains that meeting her family is too big a step if they "are too good of friends, instead of anything else." Hillary wails that she's falling for him, and she wanted him to meet her family, and she can't force him to feel it if he doesn't, but she felt it from day one. He gives her the expected platitudes about thinking she's one in a million, and he's so sorry. Then he hugs her once more and goes back inside.
Hillary sniffles that "it just sucks to be known as 'the friend.'" Well, what really sucks is to be the last one to figure that situation out, but: listen to what you're being told time, babe. Seriously.
Inside, a toast to meeting the families.
Hillary wanted to bring Brad home and have her dad shake his hand. "I wanted my dad to be proud of me!"
…Issues!
time: family fun! Sheena's mom is nuts. Bettina's family hates Brad -- and it looks like Brad might start to hate Bettina. Excellent.