Previously on …Really, Brad? Really?: Brad met 25 women, and narrowed the field down to 12. Jenni opened her heart; Hillary opened her tear ducts, and an economy-sized bottle of Dippity-Doo. Bettina revealed her divorce. Brad's twin brother Chad tested "the ladies" on their powers of perception, then called his parents, informed them that giving your twins rhyming names is unacceptable, and legally changed his name to "Spartacus."
Okay, that didn't happen. What actually happened: three more women went home, so tonight, it's nine women fighting for six roses.
Chris needs to apologize to the wardrobe department pronto for whatever he did to offend them, because that shirt is hideous, but from the depths of the brown Probstian monstrosity he's wearing, Chris does manage to inform The Nine about their upcoming dates: one one-on-one, one group date, and one two-on-one, during which one woman will receive a rose, the other her walking papers. He snarks that he'll see "some of you" at the Rose Ceremony later, and takes his leave so the women can open the first date box. Everyone's nervous, and Jade reads the invitation: it's Jenni going on the one-on-one. She's excited; everyone else is pissy. The box contains a toy helicopter, and as Jenni plays with it, Sheena questions Jenni's motivations -- does she love Brad, or the competition?
Cut to a chopper streaking through the clouds, accompanied by intense A-Team-y music. Brad whips his head to the side all, "…Dun!" Easy there, Airwolf. At the house, the girls hear the helicopter coming and run outside, screeching at Gitmo-torture frequencies. The helicopter takes forever to come in for a dramatic landing, and then Brad hops out to greet Jenni, who gives him a big hug; Brad semi-frees one arm to wave awkwardly to the others. Hee. Stephy talks about Brad and Jenni's obvious chemistry. As the others stand on the lawn, trying not to look hateful, Brad says over his headset in the helicopter that he feels bad for them. Jenni's like, "I don't, dude," and starts cackling, which is awesome. Hillary looks fairly pretty, with her hair tied up in a headband '60s style and a blue Grecian top cut down to three in the morning, as she talks about the vibe between Brad and Jenni and how she wanted to barf. A short time later, she cries on Jade's shoulder, worried that Brad is more attracted to Jenni; she stops just short of saying that Jenni is a ho who will steal Brad away with her trampy ways, but is obviously thinking it.
Helicopter. They talk about how they've never done anything like this. The chopper lands on a rooftop, and it's time for a romantic dinner for two. Poor Jenni has to eat and try to seal the deal while perched on a weird Jetsons stool in a tube dress and high heels, and while Brad is telling her he's psyched for their date and hasn't stopped thinking about her all day, she's trying to crank her top back up without drawing attention to it. I feel that. "Really? Because I'm into you too! [heeeeetch] No, I'm good. So what were you saying?" Hee. Anyhoo, she wants the rose, they toast, time for a commercial.
Back to the rooftop date. Brad and Jenni eat gingerly at their cramped space-age two-top in the sky. Jenni 'etterviews that she can't focus on Brad if she's obsessing about the rose. Brad talks to her about all the cool times he's had with her so far. She admits she can't stop thinking about their kiss. God help me, but these two are cute together. …I'm sorry! I have to be happy about something on this show or I'll stick a fork into my keyboard!
Back at the house, DeAnna asks the group who they think is getting the two-on-one date. Stephy mealymouths that she couldn't begin to guess, and McCarten is like, this isn't grade school, have an opinion and voice it, and we get an 'etterview from Jade complaining that DeAnna and McCarten don't speak nicely to people, which is why "nobody" talks to them. Cut back to DeAnna pointing out that everyone has kept their own counsel, but she's given them a chance to talk, and Stephy's like, there's a way to talk to people, and yours isn't it. McCarten sneers that "it would be really boring" if they weren't direct. Jade starts in on how she didn't come there to share, and DeAnna interrupts her and does the cobra-neck and I don't know what she's on about, but when Jade tries to continue, McCarten breaks in, and Jade goes on the rant we've seen dozens of times in previews about how McCarten is always "fucking interrupting" her. DeAnna takes a sarcastic sip of her drink (…I know, but that's what she does) and sarcs, "The floor is yours." Jade pulls a face and says she's done. DeAnna shrugs all, "…Figures." The consensus is apparently that DeAnna is a bitch, but she isn't two-faced, at least, that we've seen, which is more than I could say for some. McCarten.
Jenni VOs about their connection getting stronger; Brad gives her his jacket and says he doesn't want to leave tonight. Snuggles. Smooches. Soundtrack imitating the end of an '80s movie where the nerd gets the hot girl. 'Etterview: Jenni laughs that she feels like Brad is her boyfriend and is going to be cheating on her with the others.
At the house, the date box arrives. Stephy reads out the names for the group date, and it becomes clear that it's Jade and DeAnna going on the two-on-one. As the other girls parse their date clue, Jade and DeAnna talk shit about each other in 'etterviews, including this gem from Jade: "I'm really worried. I can't say it enough, she's just a terrible person." Even if that's true? She's…cuter than you. She looks like Vanessa Marcil. You look like a fist with hair. This is because you have an unpleasant personality. "I really really hope that Brad can see through that." Hey, me too! Good luck with that! Hag!
Rooftop. Awkward discussion of the rose's presence. Brad gets up and retrieves the rose and repeats that he's looked forward to spending time with Jenni, and she got the first rose he ever gave out, and she says she's kept all the roses he's given her and attached them to the chandelier "with a l'il hair clip" (hee), blah blah, he offers the rose and she accepts, and then he goes, "Come here to me, please," and they start kissing, and who wrote that line for him, Barbara Taylor Bradford?
Coming up, the voice-over guy says, "it's time to see who's funny." Hillary dorking out. "Aaaaaandwho'snot." Kristy crying. Ha! Voice-Over Guy…will you accept this rose? I feel a genuine connection with you.
The day, Brad and his double-decker bus come to retrieve the group daters. As Brad prattles on about having to give out a rose despite last night's rooftop make-out sesh, we get a shot of Jenni smiling at the others all, "As if."
Today's date, per Brad, is about seeing who can "laugh, and just have fun," so he's taking them to an improv show…but the show is them. Kristy admits that when Brad revealed this, she "wanted to cry." Girl, get in line. And bring Kleenex, because if you think this shit is painful to do, try watching it twice. The improv teachers come in to get them started, and then: myriad horrors. Cat faces. Chicken dances. Uncomfortable prop comedy featuring, among other things, Hillary trying too hard with a dick joke, and Bettina using a party hat as a megaphone to tell Brad she loves him, then Manson-lamping in an 'etterview, "I got embarrassed, because…I meant it!" Just out of frame, a PA is loading two Thorazine tablets into one of those pill-shooter doodads you can buy at the pet store and waiting for Bettina to yawn. Bettina continues in VO that that sort of thing isn't her, but she cares about Brad, so she's doing it anyway.
And then, after Kristy tells us she's not comfortable having to do the improv, the teachers tell the girls to "beg for a rose…as a dog." Oh my God. As if that subtext weren't already practically text on this show, now we have to watch it made explicit? Sheena and Hillary do the predictable "jokes" about rubbing their tummies and panting for Brad, and Hillary VOs that she rocked the whole date and deserves the rose, and now it's time for another moment we've seen a bunch of times: Hillary's overplayed, nonsensical "You're so hot you make my pom-poms sweat!" line. Everyone screams with laughter, and the irony is that, a bit later, she pulls off an actually-well-timed spelling crack, but nobody really gets what she's trying to do. Oh, Hillary.
Then it's Kristy's turn; she's dressed as a cowgirl, she bombs a joke, and the editors cut in the sound of crickets. That shit is cold. I approve. Kristy knows she biffed it and gets upset, and during a private conversation, she melts down about the fact that she couldn't loosen up and now he's not going to see the "fun side" of her so she won't get a rose, and she keeps repeating that she really does know how to have fun…ugh, it's brutal. Outside, Sheena comments that Kristy got a rose last week for opening up a bit, and now she's doing the opposite. Stephy is prepared to whap Kristy in the head with the rose if she gets it for crying, which, given that's probably how Hillary scored hers last week, is valid.
Bradterview tough decision blah. Bettina gets the rose for rising above her intimidation. On the plus side, Hillary's obnoxious mugging goes for naught. On the minus side: Bettina is encouraged, and 'etterviews that Brad likes her and she doesn't care what the other women think. And then she cuts out some eyes from magazines and pastes them on the wall and Chris O'Donnell calls her parents.
At the house, the two-on-one date box arrives. Jenni melodramatically reads the invitation, which reminds them that whoever doesn't get the rose has to beat feet. DeAnna VO: Yikes. Jade VO: Bitch is going down.
Back from the break, DeAnna and Jade pack up and get ready for the date. More trash-talk in VO. DeAnna 'etterviews intensely that she's "much more mature" than Jade, and more compatible with Brad. Agreed, but she could maybe chill out a bit.
In the SUV, the girls stare out opposite windows, turned bodily away from one another. Jade VO: "I hope DeDe goes home because Brad calls her out on being wretched." Jade's hair is both overdone and somehow not quite finished, and she twirls a lock of it around her finger. Up on a balcony somewhere, Brad fusses with the décor. Bradterview: I have to send one of them home, which sucks.
The date. Jade enters and practically jumps on Brad. DeAnna is slightly less clingy. Once the date begins, Brad announces that he's not messing around with the whole find-a-wife thing, and asks each of them how she'd feel about moving to Austin. Jade answers that she's be happy to; DeAnna jumps in before she's done to say the same thing. The rest of the conversation goes much the same way, but it seems edited to make DeAnna look more interrupty than she is -- I don't usually notice shenanigans like that, but it does seem ginned up, a little. DeAnna is forceful, taking the opportunity to tell Brad what she's looking for instead of merely reacting to him, and she talked over Jade at least a few times for sure (and Jade is not happy about it, whinging in VO that she froze up), but she's there to win, so good for her. Possibly less good for her: Brad observing in a doubtful tone, "You seem really independent." Oh, dear. Well, I'll give Brad the benefit of the doubt, but I really hope he isn't all "once you become Mrs. Brad, that is your career," because if you claim to want a woman who's interested in you and not your bankroll, you don't get to also be What's With You Having All These Opinions And Shit Guy. Because it's 2007. And yet, this show is still on, WTF. Aaaaaanyway, Jade is freaked out that DeAnna "has the perfect answer for everything," so she's "anxious" to have her one-on-one time with Brad.
She employs this time foolishly, however, by curling up around Brad's arm like a fiddlehead fern despite his non-receptive body language, and by trashing DeAnna in what she thinks is a subtle manner but is really quite obvious. Brad pays her a string of compliments, but they sound canned, even for him, and she continues to over-nestle against him.
Back at the house, the discussion in progress is about the innate weirdness of getting engaged in six weeks' time. Hillary and Jenni say bring it on, which their presence on the show would seem to imply, but Bettina snots, "Do you guys understand what marriage is? I mean, you have no idea of what goes into that kind of relationship." Jenni pulls an "okay, Mom" face; Hillary busts on Bettina for her "hang-ups about marriage," which is kind of awesome, and Bettina is forced to admit that she was married before. Everyone's like, "Oh. …Ohhhh," as Bettina says she "was really young" and not ready, and "it's really foolish" to think you can know someone for a short time and "expect to create this life together." Uh…huh. So…why go on the show, then, Bettina? Circling the perimeter mandated by your ex's restraining order and just happened to stumble into the casting tent, then, did you? Again, I don't think it's any BFD that she's divorced, per se, but if this is an attempted psych-out, it's pathetic, and if it's not, she's a hypocrite. Hillary tells her that if it's right, you just know, which is horseshit of a different scent, and then snarks in an 'etterview that she doesn't think Brad will like it that Bettina's divorced, because he won't want a "used car." You had me, and then you lost me, and you've done that like ten times, Hillary, so please shut up.
Alone with Brad, DeAnna gets straight to the point: she wants to be there, she feels a connection, she wants "to have a chance to fall in love. With you." Elegantly stated, under the circumstances; it beats the gooey over-sell most of them use.
Rose time. Bradterview tells us he's looking for a wife, not a friend, which made me think he didn't like DeAnna's directness, or that the producers gave him that line to justify keeping Jade and her shit-stirring. But order is restored to my own personal Bachelorverse when he gives the rose to DeAnna, and she accepts it, which means Jade is out. Sweet! Hate that girl! Brad asks DeAnna to excuse them, and walks Jade to the door. She's all mewly; a close-up on the back of her head reveals that her hair is rat-tee. Brad tells Jade sadly that it's terribly uncomfortable. Not for me, it ain't. Nice shootin', Tex.
Back at the house, the others see that it's Jade's suitcase getting taken out. Everyone makes "scandal!" faces and worries about the Rose Ceremony.
In the SUV, Jade weeps that she's shocked to be going home. Brad brings DeAnna a glass of champagne; she nicely asks if he's okay. Jade admits that she focused too much on the conflict between her and DeAnna and not enough on Brad as Brad and DeAnna clamber into the hot tub. Jade VOs that DeAnna doesn't deserve Brad; meanwhile, an electric mandolin serenades Brad and DeAnna making out. Which gets kind of…um. Should we…leave?
VO Guy! Hook me up. "Brad tells the truth." Brad tells who he shared his first kiss with. "And the women. Freak out." Well done, laddie.
Time for the cocktail party. DeAnna 'etterviews that she's not there to make a bunch of friends, because when it's over and she's with Brad, they won't want to come to the wedding. Yeah, we got it, Balboa. Simmer.
In a one-on-one, Kristy explains some more about getting upset before. Brad's impression isn't that she's guarded, but rather that she's "very much a lady," "very mature, very composed," and as a result he's worried that she's too refined for him. He repeats this sentiment in a Bradterview, like, what? I get not wanting to feel judged, but I haven't gotten that vibe from her. Who knows what he's on about.
Sheena. She jokes about having a flashback to Chad; they discuss that whole deal, and she gets a little emotional talking about how she really wants to be there "for all the right reasons." She's a little bit of a whackadoo, that one, but I don't mind her. She seems benign. Bettina.
In another room, Brad sits down with a bunch of the others, and they do this twee, awful thing where they tell him they have a "line" for him, and then they go around the circle in order and each of them says one word of the line. I can't explain it better than that because it's too passive-aggressive and Smurfy, but they're asking him who he kissed first and spreading the blame for the question around equally on everyone. I have never missed girls' school for even one second after leaving it, and this kind of nonsense is why. Good grief, people. Bradterview: Good grief, people. He says he kissed Jenni first. All the faces freeze; they question him "casually" about when it happened. Bettina 'etterviews that Jenni talks about "this entire situation…like it's a competition," and maybe Jenni's forgetting that it's "actually about a relationship." The thing is, of course, that it is a competition for a relationship -- a competition which Bettina now knows she's losing, which is why, after Brad has left the room, Bettina calls Jenni "the sluttiest in the house." McCarten is like, "All righty then," and when DeAnna good-naturedly mentions that Jenni claimed she got kissed later than the beach date, Bettina snips, "Wow, slut and liar." Hard to believe she's divorced, eh what? DeAnna, who doesn't seem bent about it, 'etterviews that it's true Jenni didn't tell them, but DeAnna doesn't think anyone asked, because they didn't think to.
Everyone (well, four of them) troops into a neighboring room to "confront" Jenni. Bettina is doing that mirthless-laughter "it's a funny story I HATE YOU DIE DIE" thing that I cannot stand, especially since she just ranked Jenni out as a slut but is now pretending to Jenni's face that the whole thing's hilaaaaarious. Because she doesn't want to get engaged to Brad after knowing him only six weeks. But she loves him. I hate Bettina now. The girls ask Jenni who kissed whom; she claims Brad kissed her, and Hillary 'etterviews that the cat is out of the bag re: Brad kissing Jenni first, but as long as she herself is the last person Brad kissed, "that's all that matters." Ohhhhhh, Hillary.
DeAnna asks if Jenni thought Jade would come home from the two-on-one. Jenni admits that she hoped so, basically because DeAnna is tougher competition. Bettina bitches, "Okay, but -- what about him? Don't you want him to find someone that he's happy with?" Jenni shrugs that sure she does. Bettina wants to know why Jenni would "pray for" someone to come home whom Brad didn't have a connection with, then. Jenni explains, as though to a child, that she wants that connection to happen with her. Bettina prims that she's surprised Jenni's "thinking about it like a game." Ah, yes -- the "if I try to win, it's shrewd; if you try to win, it's dishonorable" argument, a.k.a. "The Lex." We meet again after…not long enough. Jenni won't take the bait, saying, well, you're not me, so. Bettina interrupts that maybe she's misunderstanding what Jenni's saying, which is a flawlessly executed "undercut the accusation just delivered with false self-deprecation so that any defense makes the accused look like the asshole instead" move. …She's good, people. She's crazy, but that bitch-fu is tight.
It's no match for Jenni's flying guillotine of condescension, though. Jenni responds that she's probably misunderstanding Bettina too, but "it's okay -- I don't need to understand anybody else but me and him." This is delivered in a tone often used by pre-K teachers to explain the concept of not biting, and is therefore deeply awesome. An oily, on-the-point-of-tears Bettina complainterviews that Jenni is treating this like a cheerleading competition. Back on the couch, Jenni's like, "Aaaaand scene," and gets up and leaves. Bettina is crying in her 'etterview now, saying she hadn't planned to care about Brad at all, but he's so compassionate and kind, and it's hard for her to watch other women not treat him with respect. By which she means "to watch Jenni suck less than I do, which isn't that hard, and it's ALL FOR YOU, DAMIAN!!!!"
Cut to Brad and Jenni on a loveseat, sharing a lingering smooch and saying they missed each other. More smoochies.
McCarten and Brad have alone time. McCarten takes about 4.6 seconds to start crying and blame her lack of openness on having her heart broken before, and about 2.9 seconds more to start trashing "other girls" for…well, it's kind of muddled, actually, but it's basically the usual "they're just here to be on TV, but me, I'm the real deal…are those cameras?" mudslinging. Poor strategy at this point. McCarten goes on to snuffle that she doesn't "want to have to compete" -- she wants it to "be about the connection," not the competition. Wrong venue, little lady. McCarten soggily 'etterviews that she's not sure she even wants a rose if it's this hard to share him already.
Bradterview: Hardest R.C. yet, blah.
Chris! Brad makes his awkward excuses and leaves to go ruminate.
VO Guy asks, among other things, "Whose dream of marrying a Texas millionaire will be crushed…forever?" This is followed by a brilliant cut directly to the 866 number for nominating the Bachelor, information the VO Guy delivers in a super-cheery voice. Excellent.
Thank God, the Rose Ceremony. DeAnna, Jenni, and Single White Bettina already have roses, and Jade is gone, so it's three roses for five women. Kristy gets a rose. Sheena gets a rose. Seconds after he left the room, Chris returns to inform the fetuses in the audience that there's one rose left, which goes to Hillary. …BRAD! GOD! No!
…Wait, that means McCarten's out! Woo hoo! You know that scene towards the end of GoodFellas where the cops figure out the substance on all the evidence is cocaine, and that one cop goes, "Buh-bye, dickhead"? Exactly, my badge-wearing friend. Eeeeexactly. It's too bad Stephy has to go, and she's cute in her exit interview, staying perky until the end and then announcing that she's going to cry and pirouetting her back to the camera.
McCarten sinuses that Brad is "an amazing person that I could see being the father of my children, or my husband." Uh…"or"? Then she breaks down. Looks good on ya.
BUT NOT AS GOOD AS THIS PREVIEW, ohhhhhh my God. Bettina is all over Brad and he is not that into it, and Kristy is a pill at the pool party, and Sheena falls down like three steps before her date with Brad, but ALSO, Hillary loses every plot every written in English and is hyperventilating and about to ralph and then she leaves the show! That's what VO Guy said, and he's my boyfriend, so he wouldn't lie!
THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUUUUUUT!
(so tired)