…Dudes. Melissa.
But let's back up a sec so I can issue a disclaimer: I've never watched this show before, ever. I know what a Rose Ceremony is and everything -- Amish people know what that shit is by now; it's the kabrillionth season -- but I don't know the ins and outs of the show (…as it were), so those of you who worked through your Chris Harrison issues back in the '90s will have to bear with me.
And with Melissa.
We open with a montage of roses and limos and sobbing betties (and dudes) and hot tubs and diamonds and frenching and someone's dad racking a shotgun. Someone's dad, come sit by me; this bitch is an hour and a half and I feel you right now. More montage: that O'Connell gent, blubbering; proposals; a gay man asking a woman to marry him; Trista and Ryan, and their BachSpawn, Max, who is cute. The VO promises that the show is better, and sexier, than ever, and we see a clip of a girl whipping her bikini top off over her head. Missed it? Don't worry, you'll see it about 24 more times.
Now it's time to meet "the sexiest Bachelor ever: Brad Womack, the self-made millionaire from Austin, Texas." Brad is a little fratty-boombatty for my taste at first glance, but he's cute: brush cut hair, stubble, cut bod but not too gym-y. Brad tells the camera, "I'm not royalty, I'm not a professional athlete -- I'm just an everyday, hardworking guy that's looking for his soulmate." You'd think years of recapping Dawson's Creek would have inured me to the word "soulmate," but: no. Bile still creeps up just like the old days. While Brad successfully dresses himself, he blathers on in VO about how he's so lucky, he can't wait to propose and find the woman he's going to spend the rest of his life with, blah blah you'll hear this about a hundred thousand times in this ep alone so let's move on. Brad watches a pretty sunset, alone, and then it's a montage of the upcoming party as Chris VO talks about how Brad's going to share a Malibu mansion with "the craziest women yet," and go on the most exciting dates in Bachelor history. Montage of women doing pole-dance moves, telling Brad to take his pants off, dates on private jets. Montage of women calling other women bitches, getting in catfights, crying, taking off their bikini to-- no, that's the same girl from before. "I just can't handle all the drama in this house!"
But in the end? Only one woman will become Mrs. Brad Womack.
Brad announces, "I will find my wife." Good luck to you, Womey.
Let's meet the Bachelor. Brad was born into money in Atlanta, GA, and lived comfortably and happily -- until his parents' divorce, which forced a move to Texas and into a double-wide trailer. After a montage of goofy pics of Brad as a (reasonably cute) child, including one that I'm guessing is from around 1984 based on the classic William Zabka skate 'do he's sporting, the footage switches to grainy Super-8 to emphasize his family's fall from financial grace. Brad calls this a lesson in "how life can change at the very drop of a hat." Not sure I agree a hundred percent with your grammar work, there, Lou. Brad had a choice: college, or working in the oil fields. Brad learned fast that college "wasn't for" him, so he wound up on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico; he stayed in that job for about 10 years. I don't know much about that line of work, but I do know it's physically tough and pretty dangerous, so I can respect that.
Now, Brad owns a small chain of bars in Austin; his business partners are his brothers. Can't say I understand why a dude who looks like that can't find a single suitable wife-candidate in one of the four bars he owns, but what the hell do I know, I met my boyfriend doing a DVD track. Brad talks about his plans for expansion as we see him meeting and greeting at his bar(s). Brad has almost everything he wants in life, except a special lady friend to share it with. Footage of Brad wearing a striped shirt and walking pensively, and alone, as he VOs that he wants to be "that perfect husband," "that perfect father figure." …"Figure"? Weird word choice there.
Brad takes a limo to Malibu and talks about wanting to take a knee. Then Brad showers (…?!) and talks some more about meeting his soulmate. Brad dresses himself again; he's nervous, but more excited. As Brad prepares to meet his doom -- er, "destiny," he tells the camera that "it's every bachelor's dream -- the only thing is that I don't want to be a bachelor anymore!"
Okay, he's kind of sweet. Kind of gooby also -- obviously, since he's…on this show -- but not smarmy, at least not so far.
Chris Harrison blah blah. Time to meet the ladies as they arm themselves for battle. I'm going to skip most of this since 1) 10 of these babes get eliminated in an hour and 2) it's the customary undignified collection of "my future husband, eeeeee!" squeeing. One girl is doing leg lifts to get her bum in shape. Girls model dresses and jump on beds. Girls shower (…?!), shave their legs, pray that the Bachelor likes them, roll their hair, product-place Maybelline mascara, freak out that they're too tall, have foobs, worry about sweaty palms, and so on. The girls meet by the elevators, and various among them speculate and strategize. One of them says that she's not going to be "an evil, crazy…beeyotch." And that one is Melissa. And she is telling the truth. Kind of. Read on.
Limos. The girls freak out and wonder aloud what he looks like.
Chris Harrison intros Brad, who pulls up at the Malibu Barbie Dream House in a limo. They go inside for a man-to-man talk. Chris pulls out some anatomical charts and explains to Brad that when a man loves a woman, he puts his penis…oh, no, my mistake. Chris actually grills Brad on whether he's nervous (as already established: a little, but mostly excited); asks what Brad thinks about the "sexiest Bachelor ever" label (Brad's like, "whatev, okay"); wants to know if Brad is a millionaire (he is), and gives him shit for squirming in response to the money questions. Brad wants to find the woman who doesn't care about his ducats, and then busts out the "not royalty or a pro athlete" line again almost verbatim, which is weird and leads me to believe that Brad either thinks he's a lot funnier than he is, which is annoying, or has fallen prey to some pretty intense gold-diggage in the past, which is sad for him. He repeats the bromides about wanting to settle down with the right woman. Chris asks how a well-mannered, hardworking fox with a good job is still single; Brad carefully says he had some great relationships that just didn't work out for whatever reason. The woman of Brad's dreams will need to fit in with his family, so Chris's question is about what Brad's family thinks about him going on The Bachelor. Cut to a clip of an older man who looks like Brad bellowing into the camera, "I HAVE NO SON!" Hee, not really, but that would be hilarious. Brad naturally says they're supportive, because what else would he say? "They think it's Smurfy and I'm never going to live the shit down, but what the hell, free trip to L.A."? Brad does use the expression "fifth wheel" correctly, which is gratifying.
Then Brad reveals that he has an identical twin. Chris implies that said twin might be used to test the girls' loyalty later on in the season, and Brad's like, I'm hoping the right girl would be able to tell the difference. Sitcom hijinks aside, do people really have that much trouble telling identical twins apart? Seriously? Not that I know that many pairs, but I've never found it that tough. Brad worries aloud that he's not sure what he's getting into. Chris is like, "Yeah, you're fucked, son," which Brad doesn't find very comforting, but still, he can't wait: "I can't believe that one of those 25 might be my wife." What a coincidence, I can't either. Reno does better keeping couples together than this show, come on.
To review: Brad is excited. Brad says the word "genuine" seven dozen times. Brad is starting to sweat a little bit. Glad we had this little talk; let's get your future wives up in here already.
Limos. Women wigging. Brad comes out into the driveway; Chris is like, "Good luck, sucka," and bails. Inside the first limo, the sight of Brad prompts much squealing.
Sheena, 23, internet marketing. She's from Walnut Creek, or Grove, California. Sucks to go first, but she handles it well and makes a little crack about blind dates.
Jenni, 27, Phoenix Suns dancer. Kinda toothy, looks like Molly Shannon but prettier.
Kim, 31, realtor. She's not wearing shoes because she didn't want to tower over him. Girl, you gotta own that shit. She also thought she might wipe out, and it does look in some of the shots of the driveway like they watered the ground, so I'd be flat-footing it too if I were her.
Sarah, 23, bar manager. Cute dress, natural vibe.
Bettina, 27, realtor. It's around this time that I notice Brad is repeating variations on the same get-to-know-you phrases over and over -- how's the night so far, love your dress, you look great, and so on -- but I give the guy props: he pulls it off, almost. Clearly he's used to meeting a lot of new people, and clearly he's energized by it and likes doing it, so while this is fairly painful to watch at times, it could be a lot worse.
limo. Squealing.
Jessica, 27, news anchor. Hair and jewelry make her look older; dress isn't fitted properly; opens with a cheeseball line about how hot Brad is.
Morgan, 24, grad student. Pretty easygoing with Brad, but it looks like he disses her when she's going for a high ten. Not cool, Brad.
Rigina, 31, account rep. Super-awkward "I'm Miss Brown Sugar" intro, doesn't help herself by saying she loves a man with an accent. Brad parries her well.
Erin, 25, publishing sales. Cute girl who needs to de-stripper-fy her look juuuust a bit. Wants to tell him a story about breaking her face playing football. Awkward.
Tanni, 31, ER nurse. Awkward.
limo. Squealing.
DeAnna, 25, realtor. Very cute striped dress, but she introduces herself in Greek, which is cheesy and doesn't quite go over, and makes him feel her heart to see how nervous she is, which is painfully obvious.
Juli, 24, law student. Dorky Windy City/"blow you a kiss" line actually lands better than you'd think.
McCarten, 26, account manager. Makeup doesn't match body tan; cheesy intro about how she dreamed about him last night.
Susan, 35, project analyst. Awkward.
Lindsey, 25, model. Sassy yellow dress, no stagy lines, gives it a little runway when she's walking inside.
Chris checks in to see how Brad's doing, and to inform him, and us, that Brad still has 10 women to meet. Jesus H. McGillicuddy, I'm going to be weecapping this parade of halter dresses until November. Chris reminds Brad that he has to send 10 of them packing later.
After the break, Brad can't believe how beautiful whatever we know get on with it. Chris exits. limo. Squealing.
Kristy, 29, acupuncturist. Mentions this fact, which is dicey, but she pulls it off. Looks kind of like Rose McGowan.
Solisa, 25, esthetician. Overplucked brows, foobs, "Gypsies Tramps & Thieves"-era-Cher blush make her look older. She's from Austin, too, which might give her an angle. Needs not to overclose.
Estefania, 26, executive assistant. She's from Argentina, goes by "Stefi," bears an unfortunate resemblance to Edie McClurg. Obviously nervous, should not have gone with a keyhole neckline.
Hillary, 27, registered nurse. Cheesy vital-signs joke makes me sad because she seems peppy and funny. Dress is too old for her.
Lori, 33, biology teacher. Cute.
limo. Squeal-free, thank God.
Natalie, 25, law student. Another one leading with Brad's hotness, which is ooky.
Mallory, 24, nanny. Awkward, but charming, kind of. White mermaid dress is not quite right for her body.
Michele, 30, realtor. She uses being from New Jersey as her rationale for diving into a hug with him, although 1) everyone else is hugging the man left and right, it's no big, and 2) is the Jerz known as a huggy state? Is this a thing now -- needles on beaches, awesome summer corn, hugs for everyone? Anyway: she's very natural with Brad, but the streaky hair is tired and not flattering.
Melissa!, 28, event planner. Talks about how he's hot and how she's nervous. Remember this. I will say in her defense that she's wearing huge heels but she just charges across the damp paving stones like it's no thing.
Jade, 24, boutique sales. She makes him do a joint twirl, which is actually cute, and then cracks a cheesy joke, but she knows it's cheesy. She seems cool.
End of girl intro parade, thank God. Chris appears. Chris, guess what! …Chicken butt! Also? Brad's wife very well may be in that room! Awesome! Chris wishes Brad luck, and we go to commercial.
After the break, repeaty repeaty repeat. Then we learn about the First Impression Rose -- the girl Brad gives it to is safe, but it could cause some jealousy among the women, blah. Chris drops some platitudes before reminding Brad that, when the sun comes up, he's got to send 10 home. Well, "send" nine. The other one, he can pour.
…Spoiler?
Inside, the girls sip champagne and talk about how Brad is a fugly troll. Except not really. Brad enters. "Wooooooo!" Brad welcomes them, thanks them for coming, and tells the camera that, with him and 25 girls, he feels "like a little bit of a movie star right now." I'll give him this -- he has to say shit like this over and over, in slightly different ways, so many times, and he's bringing his sincerest rendition every time. This show is ridiculous, but if you're going to do it, do it. Good for him. I guess.
Cue the dogpile. Some dink asks Brad if he has a farm. He's like, "Nice Southern stereotyping. No, no farm." Sarah tries to forge a connection based on their shared bar experience. Kim has her shoes back on. Girls interview about how hot he is. In the living room, they try to guess his age. Hillary hopes he's proposing to her in six weeks. Brad toasts very seriously to "one amazing night."
Bradterview: Soulmate find a wife blah.
One-on-one. DeAnna and Brad compare accents and talk about their families. DeAnna's mom died when DeAnna was 12. The Greek thing was lame, but she's got a good rapport with him now.
One-on-one. Brad is psyched that Bettina is a "surfer girl."
On the couch with Kristy and McCarten. Kristy busts out a "Chinese medicine" party trick: "tongue diagnosis." He sticks out his tongue, she assesses it. No, seriously. To her credit, she seems aware that it's Smurfy, and he's a good sport about it. Then he makes her do it. They diagnose some mild stress in each other.
Poolside with Hillary and Erin. Hillary asks him what's the most outrageous thing he's ever done. Oh, Hillary. That's the best you could do? Brad deflects it with "this show," more or less, and turns the question around on her. She broke her nose on a bowling ball. Ohhhhh, HILLARY. Meanwhile, Erin is the one who broke her face playing football, so Brad says he doesn't know how they fucked up their faces but are still so beautiful. Awwwww! Barf.
A few girls discuss the importance of the one-on-ones with Brad, and the need to make yourself memorable. Segue to what's-her-face the newscaster box-blocking Hillary and Erin to "interview" Brad with her thumbophone. As a newscaster, she's…got a very nice smile. Other girls watch this with "get her" expressions as Brad plays along, and then another girl box-blocks the newscaster girl and literally drags him away by the elbow.
Discussion of how 10 are going home. The Rose Butler comes in with the First Impression Rose on a salver.
Back from the break: "The Rose is in the house, the ladies all know about it, and now the pressure is really building." You seem nice, I know you signed a contract and they make you say this crap, but: shut up, Brad. Brad is pretty into Jenni; he likes that she laughs at everything he says, which he admits could be a bad sign, but he thinks "she's just truly happy." She's also nervous and full of champagne, bro; don't get ahead of yourself. Anyway, at Michele's prodding, Jenni gets up and does a bit of her Phoenix Suns dancer routine and laughs her horsy laugh and almost loses her headband -- hee. She actually is like someone you would know in real life; when she sits down, she's cranking the front of her strapless dress back up all, "Nert, I'm a dork." Michele fully admits in an 'etterview that she made Jenni do the dance, but it backfired because Brad loved it. Heh.
Elsewhere, Lindsey gives Brad a yellow rose, and then he kind of makes her sing "Yellow Rose of Texas." She's awful, but she sticks with it, and this is the first point in the show where I yelled out, "God no honey don't!" because it was so hard to watch. Not the last by any means, though. When she's done singing, she's like, "Oh Lord," and tries to hide in his jacket. Hee. I kind of like her.
It's getting a little drunky inside with the ripply-butt dance moves and the whooping and shrieking. Bettina shares with us that some of the women have overindulged. Shot of Melissa, perched on the couch, drinking wine and looking bleary. Oh, dear. Then an 'etterview with Tanni, in which she is fully slurring, is followed by her doing some weird move with her butt for Brad…? She's just shifting her…weight? I don't know. Her butt is…maybe not so good that she should keep that one in her repertoire.
And now it's time for Juli to do the human pretzel. The silver lining is that she apparently wore pants under her gown so that she could do the human pretzel modestly. But she still did the human pretzel. Brad does not look like he's that into pretzels, and in fact will probably turn them down on airplanes from now on. McCarten: "I personally probably wouldn't have done that? …I wouldn't have done that." Heh.
Cut to Jade finding someone's falsie on the floor; then it's sitting on the table and a bunch of the women are trying to figure out whose it is. And here's where Melissa's downward spiral starts accelerating, as she comes in and asks, "Where's my boob?" This is bluntly charming for like five seconds, but then she sits down, and she's pulling the other falsie out, and stuffing them both back in, and pulling them out again (?), and rambling about how she walked around for two hours without a boob, and she's trying to have bigger boobs than she does naturally, and everyone else is like, "Un! Comfortable!" And then the other women all flee the room and Melissa's like, "Guyyysssh?" Hillary: Love Melissa, mean it, but -- girlfriend is trashed.
Melissa's one-on-one with Brad is…grim. The transcript might not sound all that bad, but try to imagine while she's blathering on this way that she's also staring at Brad's lips in an attempt to stop the spins. Ready? Okay: "I feel baaaaad for you." Brad, confused, says he's a happy guy at the moment, so Melissa tacks left: "You should be totally happy. I mean, I walked into this room and I was like, 'Oooohhhhh no!'" Just what I was saying! Or, rather, wailing, into the pillow I clapped over my face. Also, what? Oh, Melissa: "I looked through that limo and I was like…sweetness, sweet guy, like…I just thought, sweetness." What? Brad: "Well, you are." What? In an 'etterview, Melissa says wide-eyed, "To look at someone in the eye and be like: sweetness." Sars: "Wh-- God no honey don't." Back to the one-on-one: "And I'm like, sweeeeeeet guuuyyyy, that's all I care about, you're being sweet."
What?
Bradterview: Love Melissa, mean it, but -- girlfriend is trashed. Sars: "Oh, Melissa!"
Morgan shows Brad her webbed toes. …Yeah. This goes on for like a year. Explaining it in a Bradterview, Brad is laughing so hard that he can't continue.
Mallory throws down the gauntlet by changing into a bikini and hopping into the pool for her one-on-one time. Mallory is quite well-endowed up front, but not so well-endowed with the gift of non-awkward gab; Brad is impressed with her assets, but then she's like, "I think you should take your pants off," and she's looking kind of drowny and desperate, and then she asks him to come in the pool "for a little bit, and then we can go in the Jacuzzi." …Oh, Mallory. I mean, hey, play your angles, try to get him in the pool, take no prisoners, whatever, but there's something so…Ralph Wiggum about her lines here. "When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar!" Mallory: less talky, more swimmy. That's a good girl.
Brad ducks into the house and grabs the F.I. Rose. We're meant to think that he's giving it to Mallory, which I am ashamed to say I totally fell for. 'Etterviews about the F.I. Rose. Brad VO about how "the stakes are so high." Dude…not really. Whatever, so he gives it to Jenni. A few of the others skulk out to spy on the transaction, and Jenni's all excited and accepts the rose. She's cute; I approve. The others are disappointed. Endless recaps of how everyone feels. Aaaaaand this just in: Brad is going to find a wife!
Oh my God, did I just turn 40? Chris comes in and summons Brad to the Deliberation Room. Girls 'etterview about their Rose chances. As McCarten is talking about Brad letting the bottom-dwellers go, cut to a shot of Melissa carefully aiming her glass of wine at her face and taking a shaky sip. I bet my cats a dollar that she would boot in someone else's hair during the Rose Ceremony. I lost, but I stand by that.
Deliberation Room. Brad is psyched about the quality of the women and their energy and excitement. 'Ette review: "instant connection" with DeAnna; good effort, crappy execution on the song by Lindsey; Kristy's tongue trick "showed personality"; Melissa…was Melissa ("everyone's so beautiful, everyone's so special"); pretzel girl and Web Toe freaked Brad's shit out (although Brad gallantly tries to find the positives in both situations); Mallory had bad timing, but big boobs.
Chris asks what Brad is thinking. Brad is very confused, very nervous, and if he sends the wrong woman home tonight, he'll regret it for the rest of his life. OF HIS LIFE! Brad stares at all the pictures in the Deliberation Room while VO-ing that he has to send 10 home. God, this show, it's like Memento. They could have brought this puppy in at 45 minutes.
Rose Ceremony. Chris congratulates Jenni and reviews the drill and leaves. Brad: speechy speechy speech.
Accepting roses: Jade, Bettina, McCarten, Hillary, DeAnna (who has to correct him on the pronunciation of her name…ouch), Michele (South Bruns represent!), Sheena, Stefi, Erin, Solisa (…really?), Lindsey, Sarah, Mallory (boo). Chris comes in when there's one rose left, and points out that…there's one rose left. "Thanks, Chris," Brad says, shaking his hand. Chris leaves. Yeah, "thanks," Chris. The hell? After at least three cutaway shots to Melissa trying to focus her eyes, or trying to comb her hair out of her face as if her hands are asleep, the last rose goes to…Kristy. Chris comes back to boot the other 10 formally, then leaves again.
Bitter exit 'etterview time! Crying. Lori the biology teacher is really really upset and we see her wandering around on the set behind the lighting panels, with crew in the background, sobbing, while other women watch her all, "…Really, Lori?"
Aaaaaand…Melissa. "I really did honestly think, like, sweetness, I just thought he was sweet. I don't know what went wrong, I had one-on-one time with him, I was myself, I smiled, which usually get [sic] guys pretty good, and, nothin'." Footage of Melissa bumbling past the other rejects, shoes in hand, burbling to herself, while they all smile at each other like, "Damn. …No, you're sitting to her in the limo." As Brad and the chosen 'ettes hug and woo inside, Melissa is still weeping to the camera -- this is happening for a reason, what the hell is this shit, now she's going home: "Why am I here? It's just ridiculous."
Brad raises a toast to the adventure they're embarking on.
"This season on The Bachelor" montage. Brad is here to get married. The girls are here to get married. Dates. Bikini dances. Slo-mo kissing. Shirtless Brad. Helicopter. Shit-talking. Catfighting. Brad's twin, Chad, who is easily distinguishable from Brad. An ambulance is called and an 'ette is, like, airlifted out; I think it's Michele. Horrendous abuses of the word "soulmate."
Help me.
Over the credits? Melissa tries to do math with the one-on-ones: "You had two-on-two…on one time. …Someone had some sort of fun." Oh, Melissa.