The limo takes them to a train which they take to Santa Barbara. An empty, scary, ghost train. Dude. Seriously. I know there's usually a surfeit of people around so that all other life contexts are removed and love can bloom in the disproportionate insularity of it all, but doesn't this season seem even more BachelorSphere II than all of the others combined? No matter, because Ryan knows enough words for an entire missing planet. The two guys are sitting on either side of Meredith on the back of the train, and conversation, no kidding, steers them to this topic: "If you were a food, what kind of food would you be?" What are they doing, helping Todd's daughter fill out the personal statement section of her college application? Three people with ninety-six years of life between them and all they can come up with is "If you were a food, what kind of food would you be?" Oh, my god. From the first-date banter which last week brought us, "Do you like breakfast?" Are these joke questions? Is this just an extended comedy sketch of some kind? Should we stick around for when Ryan R. gets booted and tries to convince Meredith that he's perfectly sane but that everyone else, however, is insane and trying to steal his magic bag? Meredith supposes that Ryan is "a turkey sandwich after Thanksgiving Day." Todd snarks from Meredith's other side, "Because he's too much?" but quickly undoes his own vinegary side with the follow-up that Meredith would be "a s'more. Because you want some more." Now that is some family-friendly humor right there, old man. Meredith laughs like her hair is on fire in this whacked-out universe where Chinatown is empty and burning hair is funny. Man, that champagne really went to her head, right there.
The Santa Barbara Zoo. Todd compares literally every single animal in the zoo-travel-montage to Ryan. You know what, Bachelorette? I liked this new and inventive one-on-one date idea a lot better when is was actually called Dismissed.
A wide shot of Ryan physically trying to pull Meredith off of a walking path and away from Todd closely resembles the opening credits of Three's Company, and my attention is briefly recaptured by this and...nope, it's gone again. Ryan steals Meredith away for some alone time, and we cut to them sitting on a blanket in the middle of a field, Ryan literally dragging out his love poem of AN UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY and reading it to Meredith, out loud, word for word. It's shocking. Here's but one atom of its total behemoth self: "It's definitely a comfort level that we had from the very beginning that is what blew me away we were just so gelling not just with what was being said it was something that you cannot put a finger on...." The word "ellipses" comes leaping out of the dictionary, all "me to the rescue!" allowing someone else to get a word in edgewise. How about you, Todd? "Ryan M. talks too much," he offers in a loitery confessional. "If he has an idea that he wants to express, it might take me three words, it would take him ten words." Don't you mean "s'more words," oh, Pun King?
“ Meredith asks if marriage is something guys think about, and Todd is all, 'B--' before Ryan unleashes a torrent of words that flood the giraffe cage and send those spindly giraffe legs flying. Oh, man. Every time Ryan formulates a thought, a giraffe dies. ”
It's much, much later that night, following the end of Ryan's sentence, when Meredith finally gets a little confessional breathing room. She sounds literally winded from exhaustion, and tells us, "I think Ryan likes to talk all the time...I like, kind of, peace and quiet." Back on the large piece of woven material used as a covering for warmth out on the broad, level, open expanse of land outside at the institution in which living animals are kept and usually exhibited to the public (ten words for every three), Meredith becomes so overwhelmed at Ryan's continuing congressional filibuster that she just starts to giggle. He shifts topics but not gears, absorbing her manic giggling and asking without waiting for an answer, "What did I do right there that that many people in the world could actually think was funny?" Yes, Meredith. In fact, when confronted with the criminally, blabberingly insane, it's best to smile comfortingly but not to switch to "patronizing giggle" mode. Let him figure out how you really feel when he's thousands of miles away, watching this episode at home, long after he's been booted. Until then, just smile. And maybe sing softly. About things that make little baby hush and not say a word.
Dinner among the giraffes. Meredith kicks off conversation by asking Todd and Ryan if marriage is something guys think about, and Todd is all, "B--" before Ryan unleashes a torrent of words that flood the giraffe cage and send those spindly giraffe legs flying. Oh, man. Every time Ryan formulates a thought, a giraffe dies. What a terrible plight to bear. Meredith wonders if there are some guys in the house who aren't there "for the right reasons," and Ryan cuts through the knotty subtext (and the ever-stretching sea of giraffe carcasses) to ask straight out if she's talking about Rick. Ryan overshares that Rick called the game a game, and suggests that Meredith "look him in the eye like this" -- he says while looking at her forehead -- "and you're gonna know by doing what I'm doing now if he's getting a rose at the ceremony." Ryan sits back, smug as hell about his clever secrets of social interaction, while Meredith stares back confusedly wondering what she must have smeared across her forehead that made Ryan's eyes become so engorged with wonder just now. ["I think he's just trying to negotiate a one-on-one date using the Jimmy James technique. He also wants a raise." -- Wing Chun] And the giraffes chew on, their small brains barely comprehending the genocide being inflicted upon their kind. There are many giraffes. But without Ryan, Meredith should be informed, there would probably be s'more.
“ How bad must that goalie be to let a horse breeder who has never been on skates before blow it by him like that? Yeesh. I guess that's what you get for naming a major sports franchise after an Emilio Estevez movie. Just ask the players on the Houston Another Stakeouts the last time they took home hockey gold. ”
Okay, look, Fleiss. I know I recap a lot of television that looks a lot like a lot of other television, but that's no reason to invent guys named "Chad" just for this date. I know there's no one named Chad on this show and I know there never has been, so just cut it out and cop to the fact that Ian is the winner and we can all knock off early tonight. Because, Chad? That dog won't hunt. As Lanny would say. Anyway, we're back at the Man-Sion (see, they're getting worse) for the seven-on-one date with Brad, Chad, Lanny, Rick, Sean, Ryan R., and Matthew. They're off on a "party bus," which Meredith says with such familiarity she makes it sound like it's been in the language for as long as other words like "Bible" and "sleep-deprived." They take said party bus to Anaheim, where they are to attend a Mighty Ducks game. Arriving at the venue, a light board outside wages syntax against space restrictions, reading, "Welcome The Bachelorette," and inside the boys and Meredith are welcomed with jerseys featuring their names. They're taken out on the ice and greeted by Guy Hebert -- whose name has at least fourteen more phonetic "ee" sounds that you would expect when first looking at it spelled out -- and Mike Leclerc, both of whom I'm sure are originally from Anaheim and bring the spirit of the home team to the ice with every thrilling victory. There's a challenge for who gets the alone time with Meredith as they square off against Gee HeeBee for who can get the most shots past him. And who of them could? Shouldn't the correct answer be "no one but another professional hockey player"? And since the only self-styled "professional hockey player" is no longer in the running, shouldn't there be a statistical null set for the amount of goals scored? How bad must that goalie be to let a horse breeder who has never been on skates before blow it by him like that? Yeesh. I guess that's what you get for naming a major sports franchise after an Emilio Estevez movie. Just ask the players on the Houston Another Stakeouts the last time they took home hockey gold.
And it's Lanny who takes the prize, and the happy couple is rewarded with a trip to the penalty box as a result, I guess, of their two-minute minor for failing to say the word "journey." Meredith tells us in a confessional that she finds Lanny attractive because he's "a man," which is indeed high praise in this decidedly unmasculine crop of charlatans, giraffe killers, and pink slipper salesmen. She looks deeply into Lanny's eyes and says, "I love staring into Lanny's eyes," which I can't believe isn't followed by him pulling back, clapping four times in rapid succession, and yelling, "deep in the heart of Texas!" Because that's what a good ol' boy does. And, also, Pee-wee Herman. I always get those two groups confused. I always try to drive through Texas just as quickly as I possibly can.
Oh, thank you for making all of the people come back! It's nighttime and we're at the game now, the puck moving quickly around the ice and the BlurryMaker5000 futilely trying to obscure the advertising on the inside of the rink because they haven't paid up like the product-placement folks at Bachelorette-friendly sponsors such as Chess King and the Chamber of Commerce of the State of Texas. Clap clap clap clap! This game must have been a drubbing, because whenever they've gone to sporting events in past seasons, they always make sure to show the good fortune of the contestants who always magically manage to attend a sporting event on a winning night for the team. But then again, the production staff of this show has never hinged their bid for a winning night on a team the caliber of The Toronto Repo Man.
“ Rick wants to come up with questions about the guys to ask Meredith, and see how much she's learned about them. Now wait just a second here... is he trying to turn the tables? Does he not know that they have already been turned? Trying to turn them back would be against nature for sure! ”
SpongeBobSquareHead is all, "Puck round! Rink oval! Me no find opposite interior angle of puck and rink, round and oval! Me squaaaaaaaare," deciding this game is not for him and asking Meredith if they can share some alone time. Up in a skybox where people called "sports fans" often enjoy THE GAME part of attending the game, the two retire to some couches across the way from the other guys, and SpongeBob dives in: "'A' squared plus 'B' squared equals...you and me squared?" Awwwwww! The Pythagorean Theorem...of love!
"I like controversy," a short-in-height- and-length confessional tells us. Back at a table with all six of the other guys, Rick starts to seal off his small orange coffin by coming up with a game. Another game. He wants to come up with questions about the guys to ask Meredith, and see how much she's learned about them. Now wait just a second here...is he trying to turn the tables? Does he not know that they have already been turned? Trying to turn them back would be against nature for sure! Just how many giraffes does this man think are left? So Meredith draws names from a cup and fails to answer any of the questions. They include the brilliant "What is Lanny's brother's name?" Cletus? Jed? Skeeter Bob Junior? Dubya? Who the hell knows? Certainly not Meredith, who gets a little pouty at having been put on the spot. She tells us that she feels bad, and Rick starts to crack up and as insincerely as possible admits that he came up with the game. Daggers of hate come shooting out of Meredith's otherwise glassy-eyed stare, and her confessional takes over to confirm that he is the downmarket Russ of this season just as Ryan M. was trying to fashion himself the low-rent Bob. And here's what she says: "Rick is annoying. Rick is not here for me. At all. I think that he's here to have a good time. And tonight showed that." And since clearly the dual concepts of "having a good time" and "being there for Meredith" are anathema to one another, Russ asks for one-on-one time and is squarely refused. Ooooh. Russ is in the doghouse. Or, actually, he could use the giraffe house, seeing as it now stands tragically empty.
Meredith tells us she's not feeling "fully confident" about her feelings about all the guys, as they clomp themselves into the house and begin another night of awesome, useless milling. Ryan R. tells us in a confessional -- no, seriously -- that he really wants to get a rose tonight. Outside, he tries to foist some totally natural LOOK AT HOW COMFORTABLE WE ARE TOGETHER vibes onto the deal, holding Meredith's hand in the most awkward, painful-looking way that makes you count all of her fingers just to see if she's still there and take stock in a very "this little piggy is turning blue, this little piggy is cramping, this little piggy's not breathing" kind of way. Slurring and gesturing and threatening and receding like the chief thug in the Rogaine Mafia we so clearly know he is, Ryan R. carps on, "The small amount of time we've spent together, I've gotten to feel we're comfortable around each other." Meredith responds with a strange segue that sooooort of makes it seem like she's not changing the subject ("Nana?"), responding, "Even though I thought that Bob and I had an amazing connection, it's not enough." Huh? "You kind of have to be aggressive a little bit." And speaking of the kind of polarity that makes you wonder if these opposites on the aggressiveness scale belie the existence of a creamy nougat center in between them, Rick takes this moment to put a hand on Ryan R.'s shoulder and request, "My good friend, I have to steal the lady." I would say I don't know which of them scares me more, but that would take a lot of soul-searching insofar as which of them I think knows how to kill a man in the more ghoulish fashion.