Byron lies on his bed like a teenaged girl and writes in his journal. All he needs is a fuzzy pink pen and a marabou-trimmed robe, and he's Elle Woods. Byron voice-overs that he's convinced that the woman he's going to be with forever is in the house. Probably because he's already chosen her. I know it wouldn't be good for ratings, but I wish The Bachelor could just say, "Call off the hunt because I know who I'm going to choose, and let's not put the rest of these ladies through the charade of dating me." Byron interviews that the individual dates help him to "eliminate or grow closer to each of the ladies that [he feels] something for." Byron places his date choice into the poolside box. Although I appreciate that they are trying to shake things up this season, the "no group dates" thing is somewhat weird. Part of the fun of watching group dates is seeing the woman try to compete and cockblock each other.
Anyway, the women rush out to see who will be going on a date, and it's Andrea. Oh, Lord. Don't encourage her. Andrea grins ear to ear as she interviews that she has "very strong emotions" for Byron. Jayne interviews that she's concerned that Byron chose Andrea for his date, because she and Andrea are extremely different, so it's hard to know what Byron is looking for. So he has to date a bunch of clones? I don't get it. It's not like Byron chose the pool of women in the first place, so he has to deal with the hand the producers dealt him, and it's too early in the process for him to get rid of all the loonies.
Jayne sneaks over to Byron's pad and knocks on the door. He lets her in and they lie on the bed, talking. Jayne explains that she's confused about what Byron wants. Byron asks if she's frustrated. Jayne says that she's not into competing. Byron moves closer to her. Jayne complains that Byron is "handsy with certain people," and that it's hard for her to hear about it. Jayne interviews that she's having a hard time not getting jealous about Byron's interactions with the other girls. Byron says that it's difficult for him too, but that he can't imagine Jayne's not being there. Jayne begs for some validation. Man, she's thirty-seven and she's still this insecure? That's no way to go through life. Then again, I guess people who feel great about themselves don't go on reality dating shows. Byron says that he is attracted to Jayne, and that she shouldn't worry. Byron kisses her on the forehead and they snuggle on the bed and make out a little bit. Byron interviews that he and Jayne have "a special bond" (but not a connection?). They kiss some more. I think that unless Jayne bugs out (and I don't just mean her eyes, which are already bugging out), this is her game to lose.
Byron interviews that he wants to go out with Andrea to find out what makes her tick. I can answer that: the crazy voices in her head. Byron explains that they are going to an airport. Wooo! Airport! Thrilling. Byron walks into the main house and hugs Andrea before they walk out. Andrea interviews that she can tell that she and Byron have "a deep connection" and that he could be her husband. I seriously can't imagine feeling that way about a man I had known for less than a week, and to whom, in that time, I had only talked once or twice. How does that happen? What is wrong with these people?
Byron and Andrea get into a limo. Andrea says that she's going to find her soulmate this year, whether it's Byron or somebody else. I think the whole soulmate thing is a bunch of horseshit, but isn't the idea that the two of you are destined to find each other and destined to be together? So, do you really have to worry that it won't work out with your soulmate? I don't get it. Byron asks if Andrea sees herself with him, and Andrea says that she does. Byron leans over and kisses her. Andrea interviews that she wants more than a kiss on the cheek.
Byron and Andrea arrive at the airport and find a restored B-25 Bomber sitting on the runway. The pilot hands them jumpsuits and they hop in. Inside, Byron says that if they are soulmates, they'll go down together. Yeah. What? Andrea interviews that she felt giddy when they were in the plane, and it was fun. Byron interviews about how great the moment was, and he talks more about the beautiful scenery than about the crazy Andrea.
Back at the house, the women play Truth or Dare. Krysta wants someone to ask a good question. Susie asks, "Who here feels really on the fence and really concerned about possibly not getting a rose?" In other words, who doesn't think they are a sure thing? Lamest question ever. Susie interviews that they decided to talk openly about their feelings for Byron. Tanya says that she doesn't know if she will get a rose, because while she thinks her interactions with Byron have been great, the other women might have had great interactions too. Jayne says, "Yes, because I felt a connection." Yawn. I can't believe Krysta, of all people, doesn't call bullshit on that answer. What does that even mean? I don't think I've ever "felt a connection" with anyone, including my husband. Unless "connection" means something dirty that I'm just not getting. In which case, I don't want to know. It does make the show slightly more interesting if all of these women have felt Byron's connection, if you know what I'm saying. Ew. I just grossed myself out.
Krysta interviews that Jayne is confident, and Krysta is irritated that Jayne spent time with Byron before his date with Andrea. Yeah, because there was so much preventing Krysta from doing the same thing. I wonder if there are rules about when they can and can't visit Byron, because I really expected there to be a parade of women bothering him at all hours of the night. Cheresse says that she knows the other women don't feel bad for her because she had the first date, but she hasn't really talked to Byron since. Yeah, tell that to the many women sitting there who haven't talked to him at all. Like Elizabeth. Or Susie. And now it's time for the portion of the program I like to call "Talking Shit about the Woman Who's Not in the Room." It might be my favorite part of the show. Cheresse says that she's different from Andrea, who apparently likes to clean house and nurture, and Byron seems to dig that. Cheresse interviews that Andrea has let people know that it's her house, and that Byron is her man, and that if that's what Byron wants, Cheresse feels like she shouldn't be there. Cheresse tells the others that she also thinks Andrea would talk about the other women to Byron, which Cheresse vows she would never do. Until her date.
Andrea and Byron deplane and head to the hangar for a romantic dinner. In a hangar. Byron interviews that Andrea has let him know that she's interested, and he feels the same. At dinner, Byron asks if she has any idea when she wants to get married. Andrea says she wanted to be married three years ago. Man, that's just sad. She adds that it's been a lonely year for her. Byron says that it sucks to be alone and wish you could spend moments with people, and he relates a story of his trip to Venice, where he spent the whole time just wishing he had someone to share it with. What a waste. Andrea interviews that after dinner, they went into the library and shared champagne and dessert. She adds that she's falling in love with Byron. They spoon strawberries and whipped cream into each other's mouths. Byron interviews that Andrea is amazing, and that he's into her. Byron leans over and totally attacks Andrea's mouth in the most awkward and least smooth kiss ever. Andrea actually seems to pull away a little bit, so I don't know what's going on there. Either Byron's a bad kisser, or Andrea's not as into him as she claims. Andrea interviews that they are both excited at the chance to finally find something that works. A couple of awkward kisses later, the date ends.
Krysta, Cheresse, and Cynthia discuss how they each want to go on a one-on-one date with Byron. Cheresse says that she knows the other women don't want her to go on the date, and Cynthia "jokes" that she would put crumbs in Cheresse's bed. Seriously? That's the best revenge she can come up with? Sad. Cynthia interviews that it's important to get time with Byron because he doesn't really know her yet. Cheresse points out that it's weird to have feelings for someone you don't even know. Yes! Cheresse! Krysta agrees that it's weird, but neither of them acts on it, or wonders if they are under mind control, or thinks to take the champagne they're being served to a lab for chemical analysis or anything. Cheresse says that she had an ex who was Byron's age who couldn't commit, so she's actually happy that Byron has been married before. Krysta interviews that they still don't know who will go on the date tonight, and that it's the last date before the Rose Ceremony.
Chris calls Byron and the ladies into the living room for a big announcement. He reveals that none of the ladies will be going on the big date tonight. Byron has a look on his face like, "What's that smell? Did I let my dog eat the bean dip again?" Chris says that it will be a mystery date, and hands Byron an envelope with more information. The women are told that they will get a tape with information about the mystery date. Cynthia interviews that they were all pissed off about the mystery date. Byron opens the envelope, and it's just an address. Wow, that's a great clue. Byron says that he doesn’t know any more than the women do. Elizabeth interviews that the mystery date could be with someone who already left the house. Wow, that would be a great concept. Let's give one last chance to someone Byron already thoroughly rejected! Actually, I wouldn't put it past the producers, but it would be pretty lame. Cheresse thinks that they will all have to watch Byron on a date with another woman. Byron leaves the house as Cheresse voice-overs that she doesn't want to see Byron with another woman, and she doesn't want any other woman to come to the house.
Byron drives off, and they get in many shots of the product-placed car. Byron voice-overs that he's disappointed that he won't be with any of the women from the house. Byron arrives at a building, and finds a red door with a giant question mark on it. Man, the PAs for this show hate their jobs. How long did it take to build that question mark, for this one shot? Byron walks in to the strains of some mysterious Middle Eastern-sounding music. His mystery date is Princess Jasmine! I don't know. Maybe it's a Disney/ABC synergy thing.
Byron walks into this abandoned warehouse that looks like the set of Reservoir Dogs. When he gets upstairs, there is a bar set up with a barkeeper that Byron does not even greet. Wouldn't you think he might know something and start questioning him? Byron sits down on a couch as the elevator approaches.
Back at the house, Krysta finds the tape outside and runs inside to watch it. The tape reveals that one of the women is Heather from the Aaron season (she's the second Heather on the linked page). The women watch Heather rub up on Aaron, and then get eliminated in the Rose Ceremony and cry. Krysta yells that the bitch is going down. Heather says that she's stronger and wiser now. But wait, there's more! Mary from the Bob season is back too! In a flashback, Mary tells Bob about her biological clock and how it's ticking (I can't link that one because it happened in every episode), and then Bob eliminates her and she cries. The women get a glimpse of their likely futures as each woman is eliminated. Mary says that she wants the fairy-tale ending. The women are psyched that there are only two other women. Krysta interviews that Heather is a "cheerleader pageant girl from Texas" and it's "too much -- too frickin' much." She adds that Mary is like, "Hi! My ovaries! They're drying up. I gotta have a baby tomorrow." And for one second, I kind of like Krysta. She tells the other women that she didn't like Heather and Mary when they were on the show, and she doesn't like them now. Andrea is really upset as she interviews that the other women are obstacles, and she worries that they will get in the way of what she has wanted for a long time. Andrea is about two dates away from taking out all of the other women with a chainsaw and then claiming the crimes were committed by her evil twin. I smell a Lifetime movie!
Byron is still waiting to find out what's up with his mystery date. The elevator arrives, and Heather and Mary walk out. Byron has no clue who they are. They exchange introductions. Heather interviews that she's been offered a second chance at love. Mary interviews that Byron is handsome and a nice guy. Byron admits that he doesn't know who they are, and Mary and Heather explain that they've been on the show before. Byron says he's never watched the show. How do you agree to go on a show like this and never watch even one episode of the seasons? That's just dumb. Byron interviews that he was surprised, and didn't see this coming. Byron thought the mystery date would somehow involve his family and friends. He interviews that there will be some upset women back home. Heather asks if the other women will accept them. Byron says he doesn't know. Heather interviews that she has "a slight advantage" because she's been through this before, but that the other women have had more time with Byron.
Heather pulls Byron aside for some "alone time." She says that she's looking for someone with whom she can start a family and grow old together. Byron voice-overs that Heather is looking for the same things that he is, and he doesn't want to discount her because she started the game late.
Back at the house, Cheresse says that the new girls are "game players." Krysta agrees with a "Hell, yeah!" Krysta interviews that knowing that other girls are out on dates with Byron is like "a hit in the stomach." Krysta vows to stay up until Byron gets home from his date, because she wants to know what happened. Andrea looks like she wants to vomit. Seriously. She is plotting the other women's demises right now in her head.
Byron and Mary head up to the roof and make jokes about her being a real estate agent. Byron asks why she's single, and Mary says that she won't settle, and the only thing missing is a family. Byron tells a story about how when he pulls up to the dock at the end of the day, the other guys are greeted by their kids, and he wants that too. Yes, because parenting is just like a television commercial, with beautiful blond children who are well-behaved at all times. I don't get why Byron, who seems to be away from home a lot with the fishing and the tournaments, longs to be an absentee dad. Mary interviews that she's attracted to Byron, and that he's there for the right reasons, Bob.
Byron and the two women head back to the house. Mary says that she's nervous. The other women are hanging out in the hot tub and realize that Byron and the ladies are home. Someone refers to Mary and Heather as "the bitches." Classy! And I actually think it was not Krysta! Cheresse interviews that a couple of the women stayed up to "kind of badger" Mary and Heather. Krysta interviews that she doesn't like "the new girls," but that she's not going to let on because she believes in keeping her friends close and her enemies closer. When did this become a battleground? Krysta explains that they were all in the hot tub waiting for their "boyfriend." Kristie should not wear a baseball cap, ever. She already kind of looks like a dude, and the hat is not helping. Mary interviews that she and Heather were feeling uncomfortable, so they went upstairs to hang out alone. Heather calls Mary over to the window to spy on the other women, apparently. Or maybe just to show her the view. Heather interviews that she hopes the other women are mature enough to be civil, and she hopes the other women are not imitating them or anything. Cut to Krysta imitating Heather by speaking with a bad Southern accent and mauling someone else. Everyone laughs really hard, which proves how hard up they are for entertainment. Krysta grabs her boobs and bounces around, shrieking in the other women's faces. Good Lord, is she starved for attention or what?
The day, some of the women are hanging out by the pool. Mary and Heather walk toward them, and then walk away. Mary interviews that being in the house is uncomfortable, but that she hopes the other women will get to know them before judging them. Yeah, good luck with that. Wasn't she on the show before? Shouldn't she realize what a ridiculous statement that is? Mary and Heather hang out alone on the balcony and discuss how weird the vibe is. By the pool, Andrea tells everyone that her impression of Heather from the video was that she was a slut, and that Mary is traditional and might make a good wife but doesn't have much else to offer. Isn't Andrea the one who was all, "I cook and clean for my man"? I don't know why I expect anyone on this show to be self-aware.
Byron walks out and sits near the other women at the pool. He interviews that the way the other women react to the newcomers will have a bearing on his final decision. Byron asks to hear about the video they watched. Krysta recounts how shocked they were, and how they felt like Mary and Heather already had their chance. Andrea says that she doesn't think Mary and Heather are Byron's type. Both of them? Like they're the same person? Wow, that's not obvious, Andrea. Amanda interviews that everyone is hoping Mary and Heather are going home tonight.
Byron prepares for the Rose Ceremony. He voice-overs that he needs to rely on his own perceptions of the women, and not what he's heard from others. Chris walks in and tells Byron that he will again have the chance to talk to three of the women before the Rose Ceremony. Byron chooses to talk to Susie, Heather, and Cheresse.
The women hang out and wait to find out who will be talking to Byron. Heather thinks that being chosen for the talk indicates that Byron is interested. Kristie interviews that she hopes that Byron doesn't choose a new girl to stay over herself. Chris walks in and announces that Byron would like to speak to Susie, Heather, and Cheresse; Susie is first.
Susie interviews that she's starting to develop feelings for Byron, and that it's scary. Susie walks up to Byron and says that she's feeling uncertain about Byron's feelings for her, and that she doesn't want him to read her uncertainty as lack of interest. Byron interviews that Susie said exactly what he wanted to hear.
Heather talks to Mary and tries to convince herself that it's good that she was chosen to speak to Byron. Heather meets up with Byron and laughs that this process doesn't get any easier. Byron interviews that Heather is beautiful, but he doesn't know her that well. Krysta and Andrea spy on them. Krysta doesn't think that Heather's motives are genuine. Andrea says that it's hard for her to see Byron with Heather, because they don't seem to belong together. Krysta is happy to see that Heather walks away without a kiss.
Cheresse talks to Jayne and Amanda about what she will say to Byron. Cheresse reminds everyone that she hasn't talked to Byron since their date, and that while she felt a spark when they were together, she doesn't know how long it can be sustained if they aren't talking. Cheresse walks out, and she and Byron joke about how they haven't talked in a long time. Cheresse says that she had a great time on their date, but that she's had a hard time finding Byron. Dude, he's right there! Also, here's another clue. He's the only dude on the premises. Well, there's Kristie, so I could see how it might be confusing. Byron pretty much says that he's been around. Cheresse says that she thought Byron would ask her out again, and Byron confirms that their date was great. Cheresse interviews that, going into the evening, she was confident that she would get a rose, but now she's not so sure.
Krysta and Elizabeth discuss how being chosen for the big talk is not a good thing. Of course they think that, since they weren't chosen. Krysta interviews that, after her talk, Cheresse walked in and ran into the bathroom without talking to anyone. Maybe she ate a bad clam.
The women gather for "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever." I thought we did away with that phrase this season. They haven't used it yet, have they? They should cut that out. It's been parodied so much that now it just sounds ridiculous. Byron walks up to the Pillar of Roses, and another shitty job is being the PA who has to remove the thorns from the roses. Chris says that there are twelve women and eight roses, so....he grabs a calculator and figures out that four women will be going home. Byron asks the women not to accept the rose if they aren't serious about a relationship, and God, I wish someone would turn it down and make this show interesting for five minutes.
Byron offers roses to Andrea, Jayne, Elizabeth, Cheresse, Tanya, Mary, and Cynthia. Cynthia walks very carefully down to Byron and acts drunk. She gives Byron the crazy eyes and sways back and forth before muttering something about acting goofy. What is wrong with her? I hope she gets a date soon if she actually is that crazy. That might also be interesting for five minutes. Chris announces the final rose, and Byron hands it off to Krysta. Ah, the producer's pick. Sure to run around naked and backstab the other women. I can't complain. The show is boring enough. Imagine what it would be like without Krysta? At least she's sort of interesting, in an annoying way.
Chris apologizes to Kristie, Susie, Amanda, and Heather, who did not get roses. The women hug. Heather interviews that coming back was "the hardest thing [she] ever had to do." Well, she didn't have to do it. I'm assuming they didn't force her on the show at gunpoint. Amanda interviews that she wanted to know Byron, but that she wasn't aggressive enough. Kristie interviews that she's disappointed, because she and Byron had similar interests and goals in life. Well, that's romantic. Byron interviews that the Rose Ceremony was more difficult than he anticipated, and that he knows that he needs to start figuring out who fits with him. Susie doesn't get a final interview? Oh, well.