Back on the group date, Ryan M. steals Meredith off to what he calls "the oasis," a small stretch in the middle of the desert featuring a purple blanket, some tacky throw pillows, some cheap-looking booze with plastic cups, and two fake fronds for a little color. Man, throw in a pink flamingo and a broken voting machine and you could just rename the whole thing "Florida." Out on the blankets, Meredith tells Ryan that he has "a lot of energy," which is first-date shorthand for "you're overbearing and I need you to back off." A slickly edited cut later and her question is about what he feels is missing from his life. "The right person to share it with," he replies, always on point. Er, meaning topical "on point," not The Company "on pointe." He explains, or thinks he does, that "in the twenties, I didn't find the person to spend the rest of my life with, and I hope in the thirties I can do that." The '20s? Like, The Roaring '20s? I don't remember his occupation as listed when we met him last week, but I really don't think it was "Time Traveler." That must be just a hobby. So, he goes on about how much he'd like to meet a nice flapper, see, and they can dance the fastest Charleston in the history of the whole Coolidge Administration down at a real sweet speakeasy, see, but if that damned stock-market crash hadn't sent him to the steel mills to try and have two thin dimes to rub together, he never woulda met his sweetie. Say, sweetie, you interested in going to see Modern Times down at the Nickelodeon tonight? I hear that Chaplin tramp is simply a dream, cookie! ["Twenty-three skiddoo!" -- Wing Chun]
And that's why the thirties will be better than the twenties, according to noted historian Ryan M.
As Ryan M. is in the middle of his mournful remembrance of the depreciation of the gold standard under Hoover, he is soon to be interrupted by Harold. I think. Ryan M. talks in a really, really, really fast monotone about his job goals in trying to bring to life how he wanted to become a manager but then not put his main focus on moving up the corporate ladder. I can't believe this man is single! Meredith, meanwhile, can't let it go on for one more second. She puts a hand on Ryan M.'s chest and just says, "Relax." In a confessional, she tells us how nervous Ryan M. was, and says that she told him, "I don't need your rsum." Seeing as I have absolutely no other way to end this paragraph, I'll just tell everyone that this is usually the time of day when I make myself a lovely cup of tea. But the last time I went to the supermarket, I bought some hot chocolate instead, and I decided to have that instead. What, I ask you, is the point of getting the kind that comes with marshmallows if they evaporate the second you start stirring?
“ It's a little windy out and the clouds are really low, and the whole thing looks like the photo shoot from the cover of The Joshua Tree is going to bust out any second. ”
Ryan M. takes the long walk back to a trailer where the rest of the guys are hanging out. "Steam heat in every home by the time FDR is elected," his dazed, trained-to-the-past eyes seem to say. It's a little windy out and the clouds are really low, and the whole thing looks like the photo shoot from the cover of The Joshua Tree is going to bust out any second. Ryan M. reenters the trailer, stammering to the other five guys, "This is really weird, guys." He pours his heart out that he had intended to take this whole experience as "a joke," and that he knew he could never like a girl he had just met on television. Well, that's quite an airtight screening process the producers have set up for themselves, seeing as Chris kicks off every season by telling us that all of the people who have come on the show do so with the noblest intentions and that they're all there because they could potentially marry the person they're about to meet. Well, don't take it from me. Let's check in with Chris one week ago and see if he said anything like that: "In just a few minutes, one special woman will meet twenty-five men from all across the country who have one thing in common. They're all ready to get married!" Well, that does seem to be somewhat at odds with the views Ryan is expressing right now. But. BUT! Things have changed. "This is becoming more and more surreal, because that girl is great." And then: "Now I see why reality TV is real, or works. Because it is real. What I'm feeling is not some joke because I'm on TV. How I feel is actually how I feel." And he can feel however he wants, but if you think I couldn't pick up that whole desert and move it to Pacoima with the strength of the centrifugal force contained inside my rolling eyes right now, you don't know me at all. It kind of blows the lid off the place to have people sitting around a reality television show talking about the experience of being on reality TV, but even that meta-tinged moment does not excuse the inclusion of this embedded In Defense Of Reality Television treatise we're forced to swallow like so much hot chocolate that doesn't have any marshmallows in it.
Back on the bus now, Harold -- wait, who was that other guy -- damn! Anyway, Harold and Meredith lie on a bed together and he launches right into a speech I wish I could transcribe the entirety of, because it is simply brilliant. Here's the beginning of it: "I want to start a life, I want to have a family, I want to have kids. And looking at you, I had visions at the Rose Ceremony, seeing you in that dress and, like, picturing you pregnant with let's say a child, like, I find pregnant woman one of the most beautiful things." Oops! I totally did go ahead and transcribe the whole thing. Meredith shares in a confessional that she was a bit "freaked out" by Harold's speech. I love the wording "pregnant with let's say a child," as if there were numerous other alternatives they could explore when they're the couple they're never going to become.
“ Rick reads from his own longstanding personal ad, saying he likes to 'travel' and 'be adventurous.' People, it's okay to say you love staying in and playing Tony Hawk and downloading music onto your iPod and doing fuck-all. ”
"Tonight, I'm taking Rick on a date to a Hollywood mansion," Meredith voices over from the back of the limo. I don't mean to sweat the minutiae -- after all, I'm sure Rick is up for going anywhere with the word "man" in it -- but don't they, like, already live in a mansion during the taping of this show? The car pulls up to the house and a suited, orange Rick comes to the door with flowers, the rest of the guys sitting around looking generally pathetic. Off the car goes to a house that looks, on television, a lot like the house they've just montaged over from. Oh, fine. The doors to this one are a little bigger, and the guy playing Chris Harrison is an actual butler, rather than Chris, a glorified butler. He shows them into "the study," where they enjoy some cocktails, and the cookie-cutter getting-to-know-you banter begins anew. Meredith asks Rick what he likes to do for fun. He reads from his own longstanding personal ad, telling her he likes to "travel" and "be adventurous." People, it's okay to admit that you have another life outside of your main hobby of "looking for love." It's okay to say you love staying in and playing Tony Hawk and downloading music onto your iPod and doing fuck-all. Considering the lazy hegemony of responses this show has fallen into, that would actually set you apart from all the other guys. But no. Not Rick. Rick likes to travel. And to be adventurous. But he's not outdoorsy, he goes on, telling her that he's a "metrosexual," adding, "I kinda like to take care of myself and all that." In an immediate confessional, Meredith cops to never having heard a man refer to himself as "a metrosexual." Some of them do, Meredith. The ones who are trying to tell you something. Incidentally, I'm thrilled to see that my Microsoft Word still sees fit to throw that squiggly "this is not a word" line underneath the word "metrosexual," and I shudder for the fact that that will probably not be the case much longer.
Another date box. Meredith is wearing the nineteenth stupid hat of this episode, this time of the "cowboy" variety, when she tells Todd, Ian, Lanny, Robert, Ryan R., Damon, and Eliot to "shine those spurs and get ready to rustle up a good time." I know who exactly two of those guys are.
Back at Metrosexual Manor, the butler brings over a few more drinks, and Rick stops him cold, asking, "You know what I'd love is a California Oakwood Chardonnay, if you have it?" The butler dude really does shoot a look of death, because this is L.A. and that "butler" is an actor taking on extra gigs to try valiantly to get his daughter through modeling school so she doesn't end up on the pole, and this small orange man comes outta nowhere and is all, "Garon, coffee!" Shut up, Dick. "Garon" means "boy."
At dinner now, Meredith tries to engage him in a discussion about what he's looking for out of this whole experience, but she quickly interrupts him when she finds him flicking his fork over his antipasto of tomato and mozzarella. He sees Meredith staring, and he's all, "Who, me?" She asks him if he doesn't like tomatoes, but it turns out he was just trying to get the basil off the top of his plate. Whatever. Dude doesn't like basil. I can't look at a raw tomato without an uncomfortable lurching of the middle section of my whole self, and I flatly would not eat one if someone brought that plate to me, no matter where I was. It's not about pickiness; it's about being an adult and knowing what you like and what you don't. The metrosexual dude doesn't want to eat the basil, that's that. Let's see how they would have spun it if he'd been commenting on Meredith's eating quirks.
“ Meredith notes that Rick has a little bit of an accent. Called 'gay.' ”
And, bowling. It's upstairs at the mansion, and they take an elevator to find a room with an indoor swimming pool and a two-lane bowling alley. Oh, man. I want that room in my house. Just see that one of the spare corners is cleared away for a Ms. Pac Man machine, okay? Awesome. ["Djb, I'm totally coming over, and I am bringing the Hi-C and Rice Krispies squares." -- Wing Chun] A devil's bargain is quickly forged that if Rick loses, Meredith doesn't have to feel compelled to give him a rose, but that if he wins, she has to. She lands a strike in the first frame and beats him handily, 128-113. Did they really have to go so far out of the way as to install a camera in the back of the alley for one shot?
Back in the limo now, Meredith notes that Rick has a little bit of an accent. Called "gay." He identifies it as "Minnesota," and asks her if she finds it sexy. "I don't know if I'd say 'sexy,'" she says, "but I like it." She then leans in for a kiss as an apology for her statement, and Rick tells us that they had "an unbelievable connection." Back at the house, they drunkenly note that all of the guys are watching out the window like they're waiting for the return of a lost puppy Mom says she took to live on a farm. He kisses her again in plain sight so that's there's no confusion, and she tells us in confessional that she appreciates the fact that they're "challenging" each other, but that she needs to think about whom she'd like to be with down the line. In other words, pack your footwear, Slipper Boy, 'cause it looks like you'll be needing some new walking shows. And, also, because those slippers totally don't match your decisively orange skin tone.
It's group date #2. A very long white limo takes them right back out to B.F. Egypt, and Meredith tells us they're going on "kinda like a rodeo date." We cut to a shot of angry, snarling horses, and Meredith reminds us that the guys know how she feels about horses. They kick and walk and look unpleasant, and it wasn't very nice of them to do this date to her, is it? I mean, her constantly flinching body language really indicates some deep level of phobia here. But she gamely mounts anyway, and Meredith expresses some excitement that Lanny will be there, because he knows things about horses. The purpose of the whole day is that there's a challenge to get some alone time with Meredith, which I have to say I like a lot more than just having the girl amble up to a guy and be like, "Wanna, like, take a walk or something?" like they're in eighth grade and they're going to leave after junior high and go shopping for some kick-ass Garbage Pail Kids down at the drug store. "There's gonna be a bunch of cows, and you want the white one, and only the white one, to go into the stall. You're gonna be timed." A little random, but there you go. Eliot goes first and and doesn't set the bar real high, and Todd aces the thing at twenty seconds to win the alone time. Good job, Lanny the cowboy. I guess the "good" in "good ol' boy" doesn't correlate to actually, y'know, being good at things.