Chris "I Can't Believe I'm Still Participating in This Charade" Harrison walks through the mansion and welcomes us back for yet another season of The Bachelor. He explains that "over the years, we've seen a little bit of everything" on the show. Everything? Have we seen a contestant singing "Yankee Doodle" while eating a cucumber and watercress sandwich naked? Admittedly, I haven't seen every episode of every season, but I think I would have heard about that one. In conclusion, shut up Chris Harrison's writers. Chris was apparently talking about the results of the show, including public proposals and public break-ups. He concludes by asking, "Who can forget Trista and Ryan's wedding?" Well, me. Because I didn't watch it in the first place. But I'm sure that most people who did watch it wish that they could forget it. Especially Ryan. Hey, Chris, where are you going?
Oh, he was just walking to yet another terrace. That place is Terrace Central. Chris tells us that this show "has the potential to give two people the most wonderful thing in life." Oodles of money? Sex slaves? Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice Cream? "A marriage, filled with love and romance." Oh. Whatever. Chris leaves out the part where the show has never really done that, and moves on to explain that this season, on the final night, the Bachelor will either propose or walk away. In other words, you (the audience) know that the proposals (and promise rings) have all been shams, and we know that you know, and you know that we know that you know, and so on. So let's not pretend anymore! I like this new spirit of honesty! Chris, do you have anything else to share with the group?
Chris now walks into the mansion and says that they looked through thousands of applications in search of the perfect husband. Did he just come out on national television? If not, why is he looking for a husband? Oh, for someone else. Got it. Anyway, they copped out on making an actual decision (which is so like ABC) and decided to bring two guys in and let the ladies choose. What a shocking twist! I'm sure it will be the most dramatic...oh, you're heard that one before. You know those lamps that Vern always used to use on Trading Spaces before he jumped off that sinking ship? The silk hanging ones with a tassel on the end? Yeah, they always reminded me of a used condom. Sorry, if you own one. I'm just joining in the honesty that will surely permeate this season. Chris explains to us that now the women are empowered. Wait, feminists wasted all that time trying to pass the Equal Rights Amendment, and all it took was a rule change on The Bachelor?
Chris walks into YET ANOTHER ROOM, like, stand still for a minute, dude. He says that it's time to meet the two Bachelors, who have never met each other. Wow, I hope they get along! Because it's so important that they have chemistry and..what? They'll never see each other again after one of them is eliminated? Well, that takes all the tension out of this moment. Although it would be awesome if they ran off with each other, and the show was over. Two stretch limos pull up, and then break opposite ways around a fountain to meet in a fiery head-on collision. Not really, but that also would have added to the tension of the scene. One Bachelor exits each limo, and they look at each other in a manly, threatening way. Pistols at dawn! Chris introduces the two men to each other, and their names are Byron and Jay. Chris lies that men all over the country want to be The Bachelor. What happened to our newfound honesty, Chris? Byron interviews that he's sizing up Jay every way he can. Hmm, maybe they will run off together. Byron adds that Jay has "gray hair" in a "shorter, tighter look," and is "a city-looking guy." Yes, those city folk with their short gray hair. Byron concludes by vowing, "This guy is not going to take my future wife away from me." Jay interviews that Byron is "an imposing, confident guy," but that Jay wouldn't bet against himself. Whatever that means.
Chris leads the men out to the pool house, where they get it on. Just kidding. Chris shows them photos of the female contestants, and then cues up a videotape with the men's biography packages on it. How low-tech. Videotape. Even Mark L. Walberg got to use a personal DVD player on Temptation Island.
First up is Byron. I guess I should do physical descriptions here. Byron is tall and craggy, with longish blond hair, blue eyes, really white teeth, and lots and lots of sun damage. He kind of looks like Shadoe Stevens. We learn that Byron is a professional bass fisherman, and that his "office is every beautiful lake and river in the country." I know that was Wing's favorite line from the commercials, so I wanted to make sure I pointed it out. ["I did love that. I'm glad my office, unlike his, has a place to sit down, and electricity, and a TV." -- Wing Chun] Byron's from Southern California, and used to go fishing with his father. They have a lot of photos of young Byron holding fish. It reminds me of when one of my friends got married, and her maid of honor was trying to find photos of her groom for a slide show at the reception, and she complained that every photo of him as a kid featured him in his underwear, or holding a fish, or both. The sad music starts, and Byron voice-overs that his parents divorced when he was ten. So they show a photo of him at about six. Byron graduated from UC Irvine in 1987 with a degree in English. Wow, he's old. He thought about going to law school, but he had a passion for fishing. He lists off his fishing credentials, but I know nothing about the world of competitive fishing (or even really that there was a world of competitive fishing), so they mean nothing to me. Testimonial time! Byron's friend Mike says that Byron is independent and outdoorsy, but lest you think he is a lone wolf, Mike says that Byron is also "great in a relationship." How would Mike know? Hey, I'm not obsessed with the HoYay. Mike Fleiss is! Allegedly. Byron's great relationshipocity is represented visually with my favorite shot of the episode, which features Byron sitting by a fire, reading a book, and sipping wine. Who does that? Byron admits that he was previously married, but that he and his wife lived in Las Vegas, and his wife chose the nightlife over the homelife. In other words, his wife was a whore. Well, you know that's what he thinks. He certainly didn't take any responsibility for the failure of the relationship. Byron concludes by saying that he wants a wife and kids. And lots and lots of bass.
Jay has the previously mentioned gray hair. He looks a little bit like Anderson Cooper, actually. ["Who, like Jay, is a Bachelor of the Confirmed variety, if you catch my drift." -- Wing Chun] Jay explains that he started a computer company, sold it, and then went into real estate, and that he's had success there as well. Jay is one of seven kids, from New Jersey, and his family includes two sets of twins. Jay's mom (who looks really good for having seven kids, even if it does only add up to five births) says that Jay did well for being one of seven. Jay went to prep school and had to learn to be independent. Uh oh. Sad music. Jay was twenty-five when his father died, and it made him yearn to live a long, healthy life by taking care of himself physically. Mike, Jay's brother, says that Jay's old, and that if he doesn't get married now, it'll never happen. Good to know that happens to guys, too. Jay's mom wants Jay to get married, too. Jay plays with his nieces and nephews (he loves kids!), and voice-overs that the woman he brings home to his family is the woman he plans to marry. But...if he goes on the show, won't at least two of the women meet his family? Guess they didn't run that statement past Logistics. Ha! Like this show has a Logistics Department.
Chris returns and makes the men stare at the photographs of the contestants for, like, thirty seconds, and then reminds them that the contestants are arriving today, and have no idea that there are two Bachelors. Jay and Byron will remain sequestered in the pool house until the right moment for introductions. Byron interviews that Jay is the only thing that stands between him and twenty-five beautiful women. Jay interviews that he realized that Byron is his competitor. These guys aren't too swift, are they? They just now figured it out?
The women's flotilla of limousines pulls up, and they all screech and scream as they get out and approach the house. Hey, one of them got to bring her dog! Jay and Byron watch via camera as the women approach the mansion. Chris explains that all the women will be moving in today, which has never happened before. He tells them to settle in, and then head out to the pool for a party. The women hoot and holler some more as they stream into the mansion. It's not long before they are drinking margaritas and going "Woo!" The assimilation has begun.
And now it's time to Meet the Bachelorettes! Let's do it in list format, shall we?
Cheresse, age thirty-one, from St. Louis. Guys find her intimidating, but she's really sweet and sensitive, and she wants a guy to propose.
Cynthia, age thirty-seven, from California. She is "a little bit older" and "like a ripe fruit" waiting to be picked. She also has really bad roots, and you'd think she would have had a touch-up before going on the show.
Amanda, age twenty-seven, is from New York. She reminds me of Estella, with the long dark hair and slightly nasal voice. She's boring.
Carolyn, age thirty-six, is from Tulsa. She has Southern values, but she also has life experience. In other words, she can be both a lady and a whore.
Amy, age twenty-seven, is from San Diego. She calls it a "dating cesspool," because people aren't looking for commitment. She's also wearing an unexplained wrist brace.
Wende, age twenty-eight, is from Texas. She's also the sister of Kellyfrom The Amazing Race. She calls herself wild and jealous, so living with women will be difficult.
Lisa, age thirty-three, is from Florida. She is a romantic, who falls in love quickly.
Kristie, thirty-two, is from Windsor, Ontario. Canada, represent! ["Pfft, Windsor. That's basically just Detroit." -- Wing Chun] She owns a bar, so she hears a lot aboot relationship problems. She loves to sit and watch football all day. Can I marry her?
Andrea, age thirty-three, is from Denver. She already has the material to make her wedding dress. Creepy!
Nicole, age twenty-eight, is from Illinois. She is a headhunter, so she professionally steals people from their jobs. She hopes it will come in handy.
Kerry, age thirty-one, is from San Francisco. She travels as a nurse, and she wants someone to tie her down. Kinky!
Jayne, age thirty-seven, is from Key West, Florida. She's shy and doesn't get approached by men.
Krysta, age twenty-eight, is from Oklahoma. She won't settle for a cheap guy who won't pay for her dinners at fine restaurants. In Oklahoma.
Throughout this montage of women, Jay and Byron offer occasional commentary. Byron comments that Jayne is his favorite, and then he bumps fists with Jay, whatever that means. The women converse by the pool, and everyone is shocked at how old Jayne is. Oh, God. We're only halfway done with the introductions of the women. Strap in, folks! And now back to your regularly scheduled list:
Leina, age twenty-eight, is from California. She wants to have four children, and feels pressure from her mom to provide grandchildren. She's ready to settle down.
Tanya, age thirty-one, is from Texas. As she's gotten older, dates have gotten more scarce. Yeah, she's ancient.
Elizabeth, age twenty-eight, is from Chicago. She wants a confident man who can provide strength, because she's a strong woman. I don't know.
Alma, age thirty-five, is from Oregon. She looks totally normal here, but wait until later. She's had terrible luck with reality shows in the past (she was on Single in the City).
Kristin, age twenty-seven, is from Florida. She's ready for marriage because she went to college, started a career, bought a house, got a dog, and marriage is the thing on her checklist. And she must complete the checklist in the correct order!
Jennifer, age thirty-one, is from Seattle. She's a whore. Okay, she said she's been dating a lot. Same difference, right? She thinks her best feature is her lips. She fails to mention her giant fake breasts.
Abby, age twenty-nine, is from Las Vegas. She doesn't tell people that she's an acrobat, because men will ask inappropriate questions. She wants to be married before she's thirty. So she has less than a year. Of course, they do these things more quickly in Vegas.
Natalie, age thirty-four, is from Los Angeles. She has bad hair. It looks like a helmet. She loves romance and meaningful relationships.
Melinda, age thirty-nine, is from Nashville. She's never had to fight for love, but she thinks she'll step it up.
Susie, age thirty-two, is from Hollywood. She hasn't focused on her personal life much, but she's ready to do it now.
Ashley, age thirty-one, is from Santa Barbara. She's divorced, but it's amicable. She's ready to love again.
Kelly, age thirty-four, is from Beverly Hills. She's the one who brought her dog, a four-month-old French Bulldog. It's pretty cute, but that's rude.
Jay and Byron are amazed at how beautiful the women are. Byron interviews that it really, really, really makes him want to be The Bachelor, now that he's seen them in bikinis. Jay interviews that more than one has caught his eye, and that he hopes one of them will be his wife.
Kelly interviews that she thinks they'll hang out by the pool for a while and then get ready to meet The Bachelor. Krysta and some other women come out of the house and pretend they're going to drop-kick Kelly's dog into the pool. And if the dog is far enough away from her that they can say that without fear of reprisal, she's not keeping a close enough eye on it. Krysta interviews that The Bachelor will think Kelly's nuts for bringing her dog.
Abby and two of the other women talk. What? Like you know their names. Abby says she hasn't talked to Jay much, and another women says he's a doll. They agree that it's hard to choose between the country and the city, so they wish they could smoosh the men together. Heh. Abby points out that it's not like Byron lives in a cave, and that he probably goes into the city sometimes. Abby, it must be pointed out, has no boobs. It's kind of refreshing to see a woman on a reality show without tons of cleavage. Cheresse interviews that it's cool to choose The Bachelor, but that they don't have much time to get to know the men. Byron sits down and talks about his first wife, and says that he married a younger woman, and married her potential instead of who she was. He thinks it should be illegal to get married before you're twenty-eight or thirty. Well, maybe for immature people who marry for potential, whatever that means. ["Yeah, shut up, Byron." -- Wing Chun, Child Bride] Some of the women are younger than his cutoff, so Byron saves himself by saying it's okay to be engaged at that age, just not married.
Tanya asks Jay if he's been married before. He hasn't, because he hasn't met the right woman. Tanya interviews that she's leaning toward choosing Jay, because he's there for the right reasons and seems genuine. Amy shares Byron's cutoff age with some of the other women. Amy interviews that Byron has a bias against younger women, and won't date anyone younger. Well, that's not what he said, but whatever.
Krysta asks Jay what he thinks about having two Bachelors. Jay thinks it's great that the women get to make a choice. Krysta asks if Jay wants to kick Byron's ass. Jay says that he's competitive, but that it's a lifestyle choice. Krysta interviews that she's leaning toward Jay, because Byron probably doesn't have much money. So in case you were wondering, she's this season's superficial bitch. Krysta promises to rally the troops on Jay's behalf.
Wende and Byron sit down and talk. Byron says he's divorced, and totally disses Jay by saying that it would be weird to be forty and never married, because it would mean you're not willing to have unconditional love. Wende laughs and points out that if his love were unconditional, he wouldn't be divorced. Byron says it's hard to love someone that you can't find, who disappears for three days. Wende interviews that Byron is a "deep thinker." Who apparently doesn't know the meaning of "unconditional."
Jay introduces himself to Cynthia. He interviews that the late afternoon was crunch time, and that he felt scared. She asks how soon he wants to have kids, and Jay says he would like to start trying after a year of marriage. Cynthia interviews that her mind says Jay, but her heart says Byron, and that she could see herself with both.
Byron tells two women about a quote he heard that says that you want to marry a woman who, when you're both seventy, you still watch walk to the bathroom. I swear to God, that's what he said. I think the heat is getting to him. Byron says that it might be romantic and idealistic, but that Amanda is right there with him. Amanda interviews that she couldn't pick a Bachelor right now, but that she's more physically attracted to Byron. Byron says that he wants to have kids if his wife does, but that he wouldn't give up his soulmate if she didn't want to have kids. Clearly, Byron has learned to pick his words more carefully since his "cutoff" conversation. Byron says he would marry someone who didn't want kids in a heartbeat. Elsewhere, Alma asks the same question of Jay, and he hesitates and then says he wouldn't. Alma interviews that she has more in common with Jay, because he seems more stable. After Jay leaves, Alma asks another woman whom she likes, and it's Byron. The women, they are having mixed emotions!
Chris Harrison joins them and asks them to gather. Jay and Byron stand up front with Chris, who says that tonight, they will be having the Rose Ceremony. Jay and Byron leave with Chris. Jay interviews that he played full out today, and that his fate is in the women's hands. Byron interviews that he tried to make the best impression he could, and that soon he'll find out how it went.
The women prepare for the Rose Ceremony. Cheresse interviews that tonight, the women will choose which man will stay. Krysta tells some other women that she felt a connection with Jay. Krysta interviews that she talked some of the undecided women into voting for Jay. Some of the other women think that Byron is fun, and has a lot of charisma. Kelly interviews that she still doesn't know whom she's going to pick, and that she wants one more look at both of them.
Jay rides in the limo and thinks. He interviews that this could be a turning point in his life, and that he's interested to see what the women thought. Byron interviews that it will come down to a choice between city life and country life. They keep saying that. I wonder if a producer planted that line. Byron adds that he feels like he has a CONNECTION with a few of the women he met. I think that might be the first mention of the C-word.
The women line up on the stairs by the pool. Jay and Byron walk in and face them. Chris explains that there is a tray full of roses. The yellow ones represent a vote for Jay, and the white ones represent a vote for Byron. He gives each man an appropriately-colored boutonniere. The women will place a rose into a box, and whichever Bachelor receives more votes gets to stay. But first, Jay and Byron get to address the ladies. Jay goes first, and says that he's there for the possibility of finding the love of his life. He hopes they see the same possibility in him. Byron tells the women that they look beautiful, and that he's looking for a woman to spend the rest of his life with. Wow, that'll really sway the voters. Chris makes Jay and Byron turn around so that they can't see who votes for or against them. But now the ladies can't see the boutonnieres! What if they get confused? ["Oh, no, and so many of them are from Florida! This doesn't bode well. What if The Bachelor somehow ends up being Pat Buchanan?" -- Wing Chun]
The women come up one at a time to cast their votes. Leina votes for Jay. Obviously, they all vote, but we don't get to see whom most of them vote for. Elizabeth votes for Jay. Cheresse votes for Byron. Tanya votes for Jay. Wende votes for Byron. We didn't even get to see half the women walk up there! I demand more filler! Just kidding.
Chris grabs the box of roses and announces that the first man to get thirteen votes will be the Bachelor. As Chris reaches into the box to grab a rose, it would be hilarious if the PA assigned to remove the thorns screwed up, and Chris got pricked by a thorn and then threw a hissyfit. After the usual reality-show pauses, Jay is ahead four to two. But with the two, Byron ties it up. Then Byron pulls ahead! I don't know why I used an exclamation point there. It's not really that exciting. Byron ends up with seven roses to Jay's pitiful four. Byron is totally trying to sneak a peek inside the box to see how many roses he has. I respect that. Byron leads nine to seven. After each rose, Chris Harrison updates the score, for those of you who can't count. Byron ends up winning with thirteen roses to Jay's seven. I guess the remaining five roses don't count, although they were probably for Byron. Chris congratulates Byron and sends Jay on his way.
Jay interviews that he's not used to losing, and tosses out that "different lifestyles" theory again. He says it's a consolation that some of the women were interested in him, but that it's still sad. Jay hops into his limo and takes off.
Byron goes to greet the women. He interviews that he came there to search for the woman of his dreams, and that it's great to know that the woman he'll spend the rest of his life with is right in front of him. Waiters bring out champagne, and everyone drinks and goes, "Woo!"
The morning, Byron swims laps in the pool. He interviews that he's shocked and surprised that they chose him. He's anxious about the first Rose Ceremony tonight, and he hopes that he makes good decisions.
In the women's house, they eat breakfast. One of them wants to know who yelled, "Thank God!" when Byron won. Heh. That is pretty rude. Cheresse interviews that she's excited to get to know Byron. Jayne and Amanda reveal that they both voted for Byron. Jayne says that it was because of lifestyle, but Amanda thinks that Byron is just cuter. Another woman states that if Byron didn't win, she probably would have left.
Tanya says that she only chose Jay because they had a long talk, and that she hopes that if Byron finds out her vote, he's not offended. Tanya interviews that the women were talking about their votes, and she worries that Byron will use that against her. Another group of women has the voting discussion, and talk about whether or not they will tell Byron their vote if he asks. Elizabeth interviews that she voted for Jay, so now she wonders if Byron will try to meet them all, or make his judgments based on their votes. Cynthia interviews that the girls who voted for Byron are confident, and the girls who voted for Jay are nervous, especially if they're stupid enough to admit their vote. What happened to our season of honesty? It went right down the toilet as soon as the women showed up. Stupid deceitful women.
Krysta (I think) holds court by the pool and says that she thinks, unlike Jay, that Byron has the potential to like all of them. I think her boobs have the potential to flop right out of her bikini top, and I'm surprised that I didn't see any pixilation. Cheresse interviews that some of the women are already starting to get competitive. Yeah, God forbid. I mean, it's only a competition. Krysta gets catty, and says that Kristie is forty-five (which the subtitle writers spell "fourty-five," which, come on). Krysta interviews that Kristie is older, and rough-looking. So you'd think she'd want Kristie there because it would mean less competition. Krysta tells the others that Kristie is gross, and might even be a man.
Byron gets ready to join the women. He totally gives himself the Blue Steel look in the mirror while he gets ready.
Jennifer interviews that Byron has the power at the Rose Ceremony, which is scary. Krysta critiques other people's outfits. Krysta interviews that she thinks she stacks up well against the competition, because she's "younger, hipper, and better-dressed." Um, no, no, and absolutely not, Miss Boobs Popping Out of Your Bikini Top.
The women gather for a cocktail party to mingle with Byron. Cheresse, who is apparently the narrator for the season, announces that they are all waiting for Byron to arrive. Kristin (wait, there's a Kristin, in addition to Krysta and Kristie? Good thing she's boring or this would get really confusing) says that the dynamic among the women will change, because things will get competitive and heated. Krysta interviews that there are no friends in the house. Krysta and Amy joke around, and Krysta fake-slaps Amy and calls her a bitch. They totally pretended that was serious on the promos! I call foul.
Byron rides in his limo to the house, and says that he's looking forward to really assessing the women. He struts into the house, and the women cheer. Cynthia interviews that Byron's entrance was like a cool breeze. Byron talks about how weird it is to have twenty-five beautiful women hanging on his every word. Tonya interviews that Byron cleans up well. Byron and the women do a toast. Byron interviews that the women who voted for Jay should be relaxed, because he's not basing his decision on that. Byron tells that to the women. Elizabeth interviews that she's impressed that Byron wanted a fresh start. Wait, why is Alma wearing glasses with her fancy evening dress? She looked sort of normal before, but now she looks like Velma from Scooby Doo. Fascinating. Byron cheeses that he thinks the evening will end with everything he's ever wanted. Andrea interviews that Byron spoke with conviction and pierced her heart. That sounds painful.
Amy interviews that Byron is her type. Byron talks to various groups of women, and they all laugh and throw their heads back and toss their hair and whatnot. Tanya shoots some pool, and Byron says he loves that. Krysta interviews that the stakes are high. She walks right up on Byron and some other woman, and steals Byron away. Once they are alone, Krysta talks about the journey and blah blah blah, but her real focus is sticking out her boobs and staring at Byron's mouth. Krysta interviews that she's there for one purpose: to get the guy. Krysta tells Byron that she's very physically attracted to him. Byron interviews that Krysta is a firecracker, and that he does feel something for her. He adds that he's flattered by her aggressiveness. Ew.
Byron rejoins a group of women. Leina presents Byron with a lei, which is a warm welcome in her Polynesian culture. Byron asks the women how they're feeling, and Jayne says that he has a tough decision. Byron interviews that Jayne caught his eye, but that she's quiet, so he wanted to get to know her better. Byron pulls Jayne aside, and she says that she's shy. So, is she shy? Jayne interviews that she's shy, but that she's still interested, and she wants to get that across.
Wende turns her Texas accent up to twenty. Another woman asks Byron to describe his typical day when he's not on tour. Byron babbles about his activities while Andrea listens from the doorway. Andrea interviews that Byron seems genuine, and that it made her emotional. Wende twangs that she's upset she couldn't bring her dogs. Seriously. Turn that accent down. Andrea walks out with tears in her eyes, and Natalie notices. Andrea interviews that it doesn't take much to make her cry, and that she's been waiting for someone like Byron for a long time. Natalie asks Andrea what her problem is, and Andrea says that she's "so taken." Dude! She doesn't even know him! Do they have psych screenings on this show? Amy interviews that Andrea was emotional, and that she's not jealous, but that she's kind of wondering how Andrea is feeling that strongly. Amy? I'm so with you. Andrea gets the crazy eyes when she interviews that it's hard to see Byron with other girls, but that she'll make sure she gets her time with him.
Byron mingles with the ladies and says that he wishes he had more roses to give out. Byron interviews that he had some good conversations, but that there werea few women he wanted more time with. Cheresse interviews that having one-on-one time with Byron is "hugely important." Wow, she has a strategy and everything! Usually the women's strategies on this show seem to consist of "Stick my boobs out and talk shit about the other women." Cheresse and Byron have a one-on-one in the garden. Cheresse is looking for a best friend, but she also wants passion that doesn't fade. Byron interviews that Cheresse has the same hopes and dreams that he does.
Jennifer interviews that she's feeling like she won't get a rose due to lack of one-on-one time. Alma -- who is, like, transforming into supergeek with the bad hair and the glasses, and the slurring and the general weirdness -- says that there's not much time left to win Byron over. Andrea continues to hover on the edge of the room, but refrains from crying again. She interviews that she's waiting for her one-on-one time. Don't wait! Just take it! She is really creepy, with the stalking and whatnot. About ten other girls express that time is running out, and I wish time had already run out, because enough of this.
Krysta suggests that a group of women assembled near the pool talk trash about someone. Totally getting a zero in "Reading the Mood of the Room," Krysta continues to insist that they talk shit when absolutely no one is interested. Krysta starts to talk about how Kristie lives with her parents. Amy asks Krysta why she persists when no one else is interested. Krysta keeps trying and trying. Not one person responds. It's funny that Krysta is so against taking money from your parents, but has no problem with taking money from the man you're dating. Amy interviews that she got more and more annoyed with Krysta throughout the day. Krysta says she doesn't care what people think of her. One of the other ladies (whose name I totally wish I knew, because she's my new best friend) says to Krysta, "We're just trying to take you down a couple of notches." Awesome! Krysta admits that she's a materialistic bitch, and my new best friend asks, "So what's your point?" Is Krysta drunk? She is so misreading the room. Instead of coming off like a bitch, she's coming off like an idiot. Bitch, I can admire. Idiot...well, that's another story. The same group of women sits with Byron at a table, and Krysta totally makes fake-nice with them. Amy totally cracks up, like, "I can't believe how ridiculous you are!"
Jayne says that she's not into attention-grabbing, and that she doesn't know why some women get like that. Byron heads out for his destiny, a one-on-one with Andrea, who interviews that she has "nothing to lose at this point." She's totally going to murder him, isn't she? Andrea says that she's excited. She picks up a strawberry and comments how it looks like a heart. She starts crying and makes an analogy between her heart and the strawberry, and splits the berry open to demonstrate what happened to her heart when Byron walked in. It broke? Oh, she meant opening. Byron and Andrea feed each other the berry, and Byron is somehow not completely creeped out. Andrea interviews that she thought it went well. Yeah, for a serial killer! And if you didn't see Kelly Ripa totally ripping on Andrea on Live last week, you missed out. It was freaking hilarious.
Byron walks Tanya out to the pool for a one-on-one. She asks how it's going, and he says that it's "getting harder by the minute." Dirty! Byron interviews that he's getting to know the women more, and that it's making his decision more difficult. Just one time, I wish The Bachelor would be like, "Yeah, there are a couple of real losers here, so this should be a piece of cake." Please? Just once? Tanya complains about her lack of access to Byron, and Byron says that she made a great impression. Tanya interviews that she voted for Jay, but that if she had more time with Byron, he would have had her vote. Well, of course she says that NOW. Byron wonders why Tanya isn't in a relationship. Tanya hasn't found the right person.
Byron walks into the room of women and sits down. He interviews that his soulmate is probably in the room, and that he's trying to keep the night's events in his mind forever. Chris Harrison shows up and ruins everything, as usual. Cheresse interviews that she's nervous going into the Rose Ceremony. She really is the narrator. She can't get eliminated. Who will do the play-by-play? The women file out of the room. Andrea interviews that she really thinks she'll marry Byron. Of course she does. Byron interviews that the evening has changed his mind about several women, so it will be difficult. Yeah, so we've heard.
The women assemble for the Rose Ceremony. Most of the other women clearly touched up their makeup and hair in the interim, but Alma just looks drunk, shiny, and confused. Love her. Chris announces that there are fifteen roses, and twenty-five women, so you do the math. He makes the usual noise about how the women can decline the rose, but no one ever does that anymore. Byron makes a speech about how the women stood in his shoes and know what he's feeling. Byron tells them to consider this an investment in their future together. All fifteen of them. Get on with it!
Byron finally offers roses to Cheresse, Wende, Tanya, Leina, Kelly, Kelly's boobs (just checking if you were paying attention), Jayne, Natalie, Elizabeth, Krysta, Amanda, Kristie, Susie, Cindy, Ashley, and Crazy Andrea. While we are waiting for the final rose to be delivered, the camera focuses on Alma for an instant, and I swear to God in addition to the bad hair, glasses, and shiny face, she has grown a giant zit or mole on her chin during the ceremony. God, I wish she was staying. She amuses me. Nothing that interesting happens while the roses are given out, except that a coyote howls at one point, and Kelly's stupid dog keeps barking. And the women keep trying to one-up each other on how they accept the rose, each one more enthusiastic and sexy than the , until by the end, Andrea practically licks Byron's face. Amy wipes away a tear as Chris walks back up and excuses the unchosen. Oh, Amy. I had such high hopes for you.
The women all hug and stuff. Amy interviews that she's never chased love, and that she promised that she wouldn't be the girl who cried. But she did cry! Melinda interviews that she really thought she had something with Byron. Who are you? Lisa interviews that she doesn't know why she didn't get a rose, and that she feels misunderstood, because some of the girls who were chosen are total whores! Well, that's pretty much what she says.
Byron greets the remaining women and promises really cool dates, like he has any say in it. They all do a champagne toast while Byron voice-overs some bullshit about how hard it was and blah. And then there's like a twenty-minute preview of the whole season, but I'm just going to wait and recap it when it happens, instead of precapping it. Later!