"Something pretty rare is that you actually blamed yourself on [sic] not getting a rose," Chris chides Meredith. She agrees that it's true: "I cared just as much as the other women did about Bob, and I didn't open up enough. I couldn't do it, for some reason." She knew her feelings, she says, but the only person who didn't know her feelings was Bob. Chris laughs a low, slow, singular "huh" that has a pitch and a timbre and a number of chromosomes missing, poor special guy. Chris asks if Nana's death did bring Meredith and Bob together faster than they otherwise might have, and Meredith agrees that this is the truth. Whoa, the claws are really out now! Except, not. What kind of Hollywood Shiva Call is this, anyway? I feel so bad that I didn't bring over any cookies or maybe a brisket. Meredith adds that she "went through bawling" in front of Bob, which is "not really normal" for a first date. It's not? Man, I have GOT to stop going on dates arranged through Friendster. Especially with people who put "crying uncontrollably on the first date" in their "likes" field. Just kidding. I got the hell away from that time-sucking game of Social Tetris a loooooooong time ago. And since not much of anything is going on here in this reunion special, let me suggest you do the same. Friendster! For suckers! Chris asks Meredith whether watching herself on the show is going to change her dating methods in the future, and she tells him that she's "never going to find anyone" if she acts the way she did on the show. This brings a rousing guffaw of "don't we KNOW it!" from the studio audience, and I have to say, I really have no idea why. I mean, besides dragging her not-boyfriend to the newly-dug grave of her recently deceased grandmother, did she really technically do anything wrong?
But this isn't about me, and other people have questions, too -- people like Misty, who tells Meredith that she had pegged her for victory, and asks what went wrong. Meredith repeats that she didn't open up to Bob, so he never really knew how she felt about him. "It was my fault," she says, "and there was no one to blame but myself." And the fact that, by the time she got back to Portland and located her magic belt, it was already too late.
And now, the moment we've been waiting for, with breaths bated and plans cancelled, for monthzzzzzzzzzzz. Chris: "One of the most talked-about ladies this season was, of course, Lee-Ann." Now, if you'll think back to last season, we didn't have the fun of seeing the crazy villainous bitch in the reunion special because she was in the final two and therefore kicking it in Napa and telling Andrew's parents that she "lives for the weekend," but if you'll think back in time to when Russ and Trista had some tense words on The Bachelorettereunion special, you'll remember that this episode, by its inherent nature, doesn't completely have to suck. But this sucks. Chris tries to trump up her role by calling Lee-Ann's time on The Bachelor "a prime-time soap opera." And, true as that may be, it doesn't stop this hour from being the rehashed, retread, three-week-old issue of Soap Opera Digest on the floor of your doctor's office's bathroom. Who's ready for another prepackaged journey?
“ Lee-Ann's playing defense again: 'I don't think I was that aggressive,' and the crowd reacts like Lee-Ann stood up at that moment, screamed, 'Nazis, Nazis, Nazis! Jews taste like chicken!' as the screen behind the Hot Seat started unspooling footage from a Leni Riefenstahl film festival. ”
The crowd cackles with knowing glee as an early, previously unaired Lee-Ann confessional tells us that she sees herself as "smart, witty, cute, has a good head on her shoulders, well-rounded, and down-to-earth." A few shots of Bob spinning Lee-Ann around (which we haven't seen yet either) somehow confirms Lee-Ann's role as the over-aggressive trollop. Everything else, we've seen, except for one shot of Meredith whispering to Kelly Jo, "She choked her own neck," and Kelly Jo responding with the international sign for "Noose, noose, I'm medieval and dying via a noose."
It's over without any applause, and we're back in the Hot Seat. Lee-Ann reiterates that she was "really hurt" by the way she was treated, and Chris volleys back that she may have brought some of that on herself by saying that she wasn't there to make friends, "which is great for being honest, but...." Chris asks whether Lee-Ann thinks the other girls' hatred -- HATRED -- of her was borne of envy, and she as-diplomatically- as-she-can says that she was jealous of other people, so maybe some people were jealous of her. Not impossible, I'm just saying. Meredith interrupts with a "not to interrupt," saying she wasn't jealous of Lee-Ann, just that she saw "two different Lee-Anns." Misty piles on, telling us that Lee-Ann begged Bob's mom to help her be more aggressive, but then was the most aggressive girl in the world. Lee-Ann's playing defense again: "I don't think I was that aggressive," and the crowd reacts like Lee-Ann stood up at that moment, screamed, "Nazis, Nazis, Nazis! Jews taste like chicken!" as the screen behind the Hot Seat started unspooling footage from a Leni Riefenstahl film festival. I know you guys hate her. But I'm still not sure she's that bad. And a story without a convincing villain is not really that compelling to me. So, 'night.
But even the Devil has her advocates, and Kristi (who? Well, whatever) pipes up then to note that it must have been somewhat difficult for Lee-Ann to keep living in the house even after nine other girls voted her as being "least compatible" with Bob. And while that's kind of true, the only reason Kristi Cute Cheeks even knows anything about this is because she watched it at the same time we did, on the same network. So how come we're not sitting up there as experts? Spice it up, people! Kristi even does a little quick skit with Lanah, understudying for the role of Lee-Ann After She Finds Out She's The Least Compatible: "It would be really very hard for me to turn around and be like, 'Hey, you wanna go lay out, let's go get some lunch, you want a sandwich?'" The thing about Kristi, you guys? Is that she really makes you think. About why she's so orange, for example. Just kidding. Secretly, I think she's the prettiest one of them.
Lee-Ann softly agrees with Kristi's little passion play, saying, "You don't have to like me." And Lindsay (which one? Who cares!) doesn't, adding that she really got caught up in the moment, and only later was able to muse, "All the nice girls got sent home!" Oooh, that's no good. Chris notes that that's the kind of comment that people might take personally. Lee-Ann asks what she did that was so aggressive, and Lindsay reminds her of a group date on which Lee-Ann allegedly said, "I have to have all the attention, Bobby!" Lee-Ann spits back that she was joking when she said it, and that everyone knows she was joking. We never got to see this footage. Hmmm. Too bad there isn't some way we could, say, go back in time or something -- I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud here -- and watch that interaction on some sort of device that record moving images in real time. Seriously, if it's some kind of "You Make The Call" thing where we can be the judge of whether Lee-Ann was clawing Bob in jest or in heat, let us be the judge! If you can't hear me, it's because I'm over here, thinking outside the box. Just saying. Chris wants to tie this segment up nicely, asking Lee-Ann if she has any regrets. "Yes," Lee-Ann levels. "I wish that I would have [sic] not worn the cream dress on that Rose Ceremony." Ha! Not bad. Bob thanks Lee-Ann for having the "bravery" in coming, even though the still-dripping red blood of her signature glistening against the contract to appear on this show insists that all of the bachelorettes come to the reunion special.