Estella, not taking up much room in a black tank top, walks up a hill from the water, past the hundred million bottles, washed up on the sho-ore. She waves at Bob from afar, but before she can get to him and commence with the smacky kissing, she's going to have to figure out how to get past an enormous pile of cut lumber strewn inexplicably around the grassy expanse. Look, Bob, we know you're freaked about "opening your heart" after it was trounced on back in the day by a heartless hussy (but you're friends now and WE GET IT), but don't you think this Commitmentphobe Wall Of China thing you've constructed is a little excessive? But a smooth cut later, Estella has just, what, crawled beneath it or slithered right through it, telling us on the way, "When I started this whole journey with Bob, I hoped that I would be the last one with him." A totally original fairy tale of a story, considering that the rest of the girls who started this "journey" possessed dissimilar, incongruous dreams like "wanting to win a hot dog eating contest" or "wanting to be supreme and divine ruler who reigns over the city-state of Crete." And, by popular demand, we're going to count the number of times in this nine-hour, mini-series-length, Roots II: Will You Accept This Root episode that Estella makes mention of a "journey" that she and Bob are on. It's already up to one, but this I warn you before you make your pick: we play Price is Right rules here, which means the winner is whoever guesses closer without going over. That said, my guess is four. And, to recap, it's already up to one.
"You look beautiful," Bob tells Estella as she approaches him on this great expanse of land that I think might be his parents' house or maybe is just near his parents' house. "You look HOT," Estella replies, perhaps mistaking the caked, greasy combination skin and clogged pores for actual warmth-inspired perspiration. It's always there, Estella. You guys have just never been outside in the daylight together. Estella throws her left arm around the back of Bob's neck and they kiss (I would count the total number of those in this episode, but this is merely a computer and not a magic machine, you see). Bob asks her, "Have you eaten?" With the exception of a wholly unappetizing appetizer of "tongue" which Estella at least had the good sense to spit back out when she was done with it, no. She hasn't. Bob points the way to another part of Ambiguous Grassy Expanse National Park, where "Nick and Tony's al Fresco" is all set up. He tells her again on the four-step walk that she looks "lovely," chirping in a high-pitched voice that somehow gaily matches her responding "Thank yoooooou!" almost ampere for ampere. Am I playing this episode on the wrong RPM? Do I need one of those little plastic pieces to put in the middle of the 45 to make this work on a standard player? If you were born after 1980, just email me and I'll explain. Oh, and nice flip-flop sandals, Bob. You on your way to the dormitory showers or what?
“ 'I really do hope that Bob's family does approve of me, because I want to be with him.' And not because Bob's mother could kill you with her coif. Well, not just because of that. ”
Once Estella and Bob are settled on the blanket and watching the boats hightail it out of this wilderness (the twist ending of this series is that, at the end, Estella discovers that it was Earth all along), the following conversation ensues. It is one requiring direct transcription to do it appropriate justice. Act it out with a loved one who doesn't really love you back today!
Bob [excitedly]: I'm excited for you to meet my family.
Estella [squeakily]: Me too!
Bob [as before, still excitedly]: Yeah, I'm really excited.
Estella [ditto stage directions, but insert "squeakily"]: Yeah, I am too.
[a beat]
Estella [con't]: Do you think they're going to like me?
Bob [unconvinced]: I'm sure they're going to love you.
Estella [whisper-squeaky]: I'm so excited to meet them.
You guys! You're on television! Do something!
Estella does do something. She kisses Bob again. She takes his face in her hands, grabbing on by the ever-evolving jowls (and yes, I am a supermodel, and thanks for asking), all the while confessionalizing, "I really do hope that Bob's family does approve of me, because I want to be with him." And not because Bob's mother could kill you with her coif. Well, not just because of that.
Smackity-smack smack kissity kiss kiss, until Estella comes up for air and notes, "It's almost over." Not nearly "almost" enough, timekeeper. She asks Bob how he feels about the end being nigh, and he kicks off his reply with a refreshingly direct "Truthfully..." before doubling back into BachelorBabble, where they try to be all egalitarian and vague and not hurt anyone's feelings and not break any of the rules. It's a fundamental problem with the first hour and fifty-seven minutes (minus fifty-six minutes of "previously"s and an hour of commercials for Trista's wedding) of the final episode: it features one billion confessionals from the Bachelor, none of which contains any actual information for fear of tipping off the viewing to the ending. If anyone is still around for the ending. Anyway, the "truthfully" is followed up with Bob flinching as he catches himself about to violate his contract and actually say something that might come out of the mouth of an actual human being, opting not for "truth" but in fact "lack thereof." He goes on, "I'm, just, I don't know. I'm confused. Y'know? Not about my feelings, but what to do." I don't know what that means. Neither does Estella, because she's forced to vamp, "Just follow your heart." It always knows! Toucan Sam guides another lonely heart to a happy ending. Estella continues that "we make it complicated," and Bob agrees, "I definitely do. I overly complicate everything." She suggests that he simplify things, but he would probably only be able to promise to "overly simplify" things, which would ironically complicate things every more. Truthfully, though, I have no idea what they're talking about right now. Complicate what things? What's going on? Bob looks pensive and thoughtful as Estella's consequent speech is drowned out by Bob's own confessional (overly complicated, isn't it?) in which he discusses the "magnitude" of this decision. Back on the ambiguous grass, Estella leans forward and changes the haltingly-edited subject, squeak-whispering, "We are going to have so much fun together and make the most insane couple." They're insane like Crazy Eddie's prices were insane. That is to say, not insane. "With my humor, my brains, and your good looks." She's being ironic because he is ugly. And, once, according to sources, fat. Once.
“ Cynical old cops love pointing out what cynical old cops they are. At least in the dream logic of the series of Mel Gibson buddy movies I allow to inform my cultural sensibilities. Bob's dad? He's too old for this crap. ”
More toasts at dinner, many an "I'll drink to that" (and one for Mahler!), and the Evan Handler brother-in-law guy asks if either Bob or Estella would move to the other's "place." Meaning apartment? City? More specific, please. Bob goes off with the insanely romantic "I don't know," and Estella follows it up that they're really still getting to know each other. Wow. This. Is not love. But Estella does wish she could stay and hang out with the fam, and DeDe announces that they're "so close with Bob" as family and friends. They want someone who wants to be part of Bob's life to also be part of theirs. And yes, family is all sorts of very, very important. But Estella really will be marrying the whole family, it seems. Doesn't it? ["Well, it would, if she were marrying Bob, which she is not." -- Wing Chun] Nora Kennedy-Onassis reminds us that Bob's family is going to be meeting another girl (whom Nora will hate on purpose), and that it's not easy to get to know someone under these freaky circumstances. Nora Kennedy-Onassis asks Estella, "Are you capable of loving him with your heart and your soul?" Estella puts her right hand over her heart as if she's about recite The Pledge of Allegiance to the sovereign nation of Bobtopia, responding, "I think I already started loving him with my heart and soul." She thinks. She started. True love at its most qualified. Bob's father pipes up now, letting Estella know that "for a cynical old cop like I am, you've impressed the heck out of me." Cynical old cops love pointing out what cynical old cops they are. At least in the dream logic of the series of Mel Gibson buddy movies I allow to inform my cultural sensibilities. Bob's dad? He's too old for this crap. And we too bored. Estella has "fallen in love" with Bob's family, which is perhaps the realest, most natural, only love being depicted on this show right now. Outside the house, Bob and Estella kiss goodbye, Bob teasing, "I loved...it." That's awesome, on a show where the emotions are so high, to talk of love and then fail to direct it anywhere it could actually make the person who loves you feel loved. Like, sit at dinner and be all, "Estella, my darling. I love...broccoli." Bob, meanwhile, is wrestling with demons of his own, telling us that he's "afraid to make too big a step in any direction for fear that it won't work." Is it me, or is the eleventh-hour "fear of commitment" thing just about the lamest? Everyone -- and I mean you, me, and the Sunshine Band's KC -- knows that when someone comes on this show, that someone enters into a (tacit, sure) contract that you're going to meet someone you can at least delude yourself into thinking you want to marry. But this? This is Buzzkill TV on the Blueballs Network. Yuck yuck blah.
Bob's family loves Estella. Because she's the matriarch and her hair has its own life force, let's let Nora Kennedy-Onassis go first: "I like the way she touches you, because we're a touchy-feely family." Okaaaaaaay. Also, "I asked her to go for a walk with me, and she was every bit as comfortable by herself." Wait wait wait. Just a second. Hold the long-distance phone Bob is going to have to use when he sells out his loving family and flees to Los Angeles where the sun and the television cameras live. Um, Nora? When there's a Mike Fleiss show on an upcoming Fox season entitled Hot Girl On Girl Action...With My Mom!, can we revisit this discussion? Because, until then, it should probably be made a bit clearer that Bob isn't actually bringing these girls home for you. Lots of touching? Private walks together? Does something need explaining here?
“ Awwww. R.I.P., President Wetsuit. I can't believe that that press release turned into a suicide note! ”
Kelly Jo is sitting outside wearing a blue bikini top and a sarong (when she said she grew up in "Michigan," she didn't mention if she was just raised in a Hooters or what), watching as Bob pulls up on a jet ski, wearing a sleeveless wetsuit. Kelly Jo tells us in a confessional how "sexy" he looked, causing the president of Sleeveless Wetsuits LLC to issue a hastily assembled press release reading, "No one looks sexy in a sleeveless wetsuit, least of all that guy. And they don't repel water, at least on the arms, for they are sleeveless. Allow me to let the shame of having invented this pointless invention lead to my terminating my life immediately." Awwww. R.I.P., President Wetsuit. I can't believe that that press release turned into a suicide note!
Kelly Jo congratulates Bob on his "nice entrance" (R.I.P., sweet princely president!), and they hug and kiss and hug. They enjoy (well, she does, while he more "contractually obligates") the same picnic as Bob enjoyed yesterday. Kelly Jo expresses excitement about the day and the family and the meeting, and Bob asks what she's most excited about. "Meeting them!" Kelly Jo hazards. And, rather than volleying back a "well, they're excited to meet you, too" or an "I'm so excited for you to meet them, too," Bob defaults to the noncommittal "They're crazy." And they're not, but for the purposes of this discussion, even that's momentarily beside the point. Bob is not even present on this date. He doesn't have a nice word for Kelly Jo. I know it seems like everything's fine on first viewing, but I haven't had just a single viewing of just one episode of this show since I walked past it playing in the window of a Radio Shack during Season One when I didn't even know what it was yet. So trust me. Come along. Dig a little deeper. At this point in his decision-making process, Bob's repeated "I don't know what to do" isn't because he's trying to choose between Estella and Kelly Jo. It's because he's trying to choose between Estella and not Estella. Go with me on this one. ["If Djb is right about this -- and I have no reason to think he isn't right about everything, always -- then the interview I saw on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today, during which Kelly Jo declared that, going into the final meeting with Bob, she was completely sure she had the whole thing sewn up, and that she was legitimately in love with him, is even sadder than the baseline level of 'sad' that's always present on this show." -- Wing Chun] Kelly Jo hopes to "knock [Bob's family's] socks off." I think their socks are probably product-placed, and if we'd like to see more fine programming like that which we are enjoying here, you'd better turn that hope right around, missy. Also, Bob's family isn't "crazy."
Bob suits Kelly Jo up in a life preserver, telling her, "I asked them if they had vests for little people." Oh, burn. And he has no right to talk about people of strange sizes. And, shut up. Bob tells us that Kelly Jo is "a blast to hang out with." Yeah, that's love talk. Kelly Jo drives the jet ski and laughs uproariously as Bob goes flying off the back. In a confessional, Bob repeats the fact that his family really liked Estella. And back through the sliding door with them, this time to the back yard, where the nephew kid screams, "Hi, Kelly Jo!" Nora Kennedy-Onassis looks at Kelly Jo, giving her a look like the kid just screamed something about Batman smelling and Robin laying an egg, right in the middle of when they were supposed to be singing Christmas carols. "Keep that tramp's name out of your mouth," Grandma Kennedy-Onassis seems to be saying.