Fun For The Whole Family

Previously: Everybody sucked. Are we all caught up now? Tonight: Chris will say some things. Then Aaron will say them again. And then one of the bachelorettes will say them, too. And then Aaron will say something he said earlier. And then Chris will, too. And then Aaron will say the same damned things he's said every episode so far. And then Chris will, too. The end.

Oh, fine.

Tonight, the four remaining bachelorettes move out of the Malibu Dream House and then arrange to bring Aaron to their hometowns to meet the families. Brooke scarily narrates that moving out allows each of the bachelorettes to "focus on Aaron, rather than each other." I can't even begin to explain how psychologically unhealthy both parts of that statement is. We see clips of the families. We see that threat by a relative of Brooke's to have some Marine beat Aaron up if he hurts her. Chris narrates, "In less than two weeks, Aaron could propose to any one of [the women]." Yeah, "could." I would treat that "could" similar to the one you might find in, "You could launch bottle rockets out of your ass. But unless you're Steve-o, you probably won't." (Yes, I saw Jackass: The Movie. Shut up.)

Aaron narrates to us that he's going to these four hometowns to meet the bachelorettes' families. See? See? He says that this is "serious," because these families may "meet [him] once, and then they may never see [him] again." What is he even saying? How is that serious? God, that sounds like a threat. Like, "They better treat me right, or I'm gonna dump their little girl." And considering how the rose ceremony goes, it may very well be exactly what he means.

At the Malibu Dream House, the women are all loaded into limousines, as Chris Harrison stands around, trying to be relevant. Say goodbye to the Malibu Dream House. Of course, they're going to keep coming back for the rose ceremony, so it's still around, but now strangely pointless. It's not like they're going to get to keep the house after it's over. See 'N Say Aaron spouts out that these visits are very important and that he has a huge decision to make.

First up is a trip to Buffalo, NY, to meet Gwen's family. They don't even go to the family home. At least somebody on this show values privacy. Instead, Aaron meets up with Gwen at some restaurant/club called Bijou. She's wearing a tiny red dress, by the way. Because Aaron goes for the red. I bet the women all went out and bought new red clothes just for him. Gwen introduces Aaron to her parents, Marie and Phil; her sister, Mary Beth; and her best friend, Lisa. Gwen has definitely inherited that forehead of hers from her mother. Genetics is a harsh mistress. Just ask my nose. I have yet to find a single pair of sunglasses that I can wear without looking like an insect.

Anyway, they all sit down at a table, and Aaron invites them all to ask any questions they might have. Mom pulls out a list of questions that she has written out. Gwen then explains to us that Mom pulled out a list of questions. She says she was shocked, and that her "mouth dropped to the floor." I'm sure she started feeling more comfortable when her mother began reading the questions out, because they're all softballs like "Do you have time in your life for another full-time job? That of a husband?" Aaron gives a blathering response indicating that he's ready to get married. For some reason, Mom's and Dad's accents sound more like they're from Minnesota than from Buffalo. I've only known one person from Buffalo, though, so that might be how they all sound. Mom points out that Aaron's a "little young" to be settling down. He's twenty-eight, not nineteen. Even if he acts like he's nineteen. Aaron says that he's not looking to "settle down" in the traditional sense. He expects that he and his wife will a lead a life full of travel and adventure. Those bankers with their journeyman ways. Aren't they so romantic? Mom asks if Aaron travels. He brings up his semester in Italy. Lisa asks if Aaron speaks Italian. Aaron starts to say yes, but then asks Lisa if she speaks Italian. She says no and everybody laughs and the question is forgotten. He so doesn't speak a word of Italian. Mom asks Aaron if he thinks he's an "ethical person." What sort of question is that? Who is going to answer that question in the negative? Aaron says that the banking industry is "ridiculously scrutinized," and that if they weren't ethical, their bank probably wouldn't still be around. I have to give Aaron credit for saying that while maintaining a straight face the entire time. I'm not casting aspersions on the banks Aaron's family own. I imagine they're just fine. But I couldn't possibly attempt to link the banking industry as a whole with good ethics without adding "just kidding" at the end. ["Plus, speaking as someone who puts money in a bank, I don't think the high degree of scrutiny to which banks are subjected is especially 'ridiculous,' AARON." -- Wing Chun]

Mom seems to be happy with Aaron's softball answers to her softball questions. Her last question is, "What makes you think you're a desirable potential husband?" Everybody starts laughing, like this is the most ridiculous question. Like, isn't it obvious? He's got a nice smile. And he has a plane! And a boat! And he's an executive. Of course he's husband material. Again, tellingly, we don't hear Aaron's response to the question. Instead, Mom tells us that Aaron is a very personable, charismatic young man. I'd like to thank George W. Bush for lowering the bar for what counts as "charismatic" these days. Apparently, you can talk like your mouth is full of marbles and say the same thing over and over again and never actually answer anybody's questions, but as long as you have a nice smile, people think you're charismatic. The best that Dad has to say about Aaron is that he seems like a "nice young man" and that he can see Gwen walking down the aisle with Aaron. It's all very bland. The personality vacuum at the table sucks the ugly vertical blinds off the window to them.

So after that lunch meeting, Aaron and Gwen take a limo out to Niagara Falls. Gwen expresses surprise about the whole list of questions. What exactly was she expecting from them? I find it fascinating that she didn't expect her parents to have a lot of questions for Aaron. She wonders if Aaron's mother would have a lot of questions for her. Well, as long as you set goals and meet them, Aaron's mom will think you're the greatest.

Gwen explains to us that they went to Niagara Falls, just in case that giant waterfall in the background confused you. The show, of course, arranged that the two of them got to look from an observation deck alone. Whereas, when I visited the Falls, I was surrounded by hundreds of tourists snapping and jabbering away, which sort of interferes with any attempt to quietly enjoy the grandeur. I wanted to push this one guy who kept making "Watch that first step" jokes over the edge to shut him up, but without Dad, I wouldn't have been able to pay for the hotel room. Aaron wraps his arm around Gwen's waist as she explains to him that the Horseshoe Falls are named as such because they're shaped like a horseshoe. They hold hands. They kiss chastely. Gwen tells us that she "really likes Aaron a lot" and that her heart was racing and that she feels more connected to him. They kiss some more. Gwen starts to tear up a little bit as she explains that she never thought she'd feel that way about somebody she's been dating for only a few weeks. She concludes that it's worth it to put her heart on the line. "That's what life is all about," she says. So bland. Can you imagine what their children would be like? I hope they rebel by becoming cross-dressing, socialist, Goth skate punks.

Aaron tells us that he had a lot of fun with Gwen and adds, "She could be the one," in a "hey, you never know!" tone of voice. He concludes that the other three women have "a lot to live up to." Uck.

Commercials. We return to Philadelphia. Look there's that statue that spells out, "Love." Like this show! It's all about love! Aaron's there to meet with Helene for the family gathering. Aarrrrgh! Aaron explains to us that he just met with Gwen's parents. We were there! Jesus! He continues on to explain to us that he's here to meet Helene's family. We've picked up on that. You're hugging Helene right now. Look! There you are right now! In Philadelphia with Helene! It's not like you and Helene have decided to get together to go meet Brooke's family or something. Jeez. Aaron explains to us that he hopes meeting Helene's family will "shed a light" on why Helene presents such a "challenge" for him. Yeah, there must be something weird going on with her family. I mean, it's not normal for a woman to have high expectations for a potential romantic interest or anything, is it?

Helene and Aaron drive around in the limo, as Helene excitedly points things out. Aaron tells us that Helene is excited to be home. It turns out that Helene doesn't actually live in Philadelphia at all, but across the river in Gloucester City, New Jersey. Aaron says it makes him feel good to see Helene excited about coming home. Obviously, the producers or whoever are just telling Aaron to say something so they can use it as narration. It doesn't matter if it's obvious or stupid. It's probably cheaper than paying Chris to say stuff.

Helene shows Aaron around the edge of the river, so that the cameras can get pretty water shots. Aaron asks her what she thinks her parents are thinking about this. We'll find out if the two of you quit blathering on and go meet them already. Jeez. Helene says she doesn't know. Well, go find out! You're wasting time. See 'N Say Aaron says that things are starting to get serious. Yes, we know! Do I have to drive the two of them over myself? Let's get moving, already. Oh-so-suave Aaron tells Helene, "Just, it's not like, just, like, every day, that I'm gonna get to meet, you know, people like yourself, I mean, you know, going to a restaurant or out like this, you know. You got a lot going for you. A lot." Why, that velvet-tongued devil! They kiss. Helene and Aaron tell each other that they missed each other.

Finally, Helene and Aaron get back into the limo to go visit Helene's family. Aaron explains to us that they got back into the limo to go visit Helene's family. In the limo, Aaron compliments Helene's very boring outfit -- a black, sleeveless shirt and khakis. I imagine the pants highlighted Helene's ass for Aaron to gawk at. She accuses him of "laying it on a little thick." How is a bland compliment about clothes "laying it on a little thick"? Ah, I see. Helene wonders out loud if Aaron is giving similar comments to the other women, and if he's really serious about his feelings for her. Aaron stares at the window of the limo, wondering if the vehicle's moving slowly enough for him to jump out and run away without getting hurt. Aaron says that he is taking it seriously, and that Helene will just have to trust him. Helene says that she can't trust him yet. I think Helene's right to a certain extent, but her passive-aggressive approach to wringing answers out of Aaron, and her fake laughs, annoy me to no end. See 'N Say Aaron tells us that, of the ladies left, Helene is the "most difficult" and presents the "biggest challenge." He says she always has the tough questions for him. She does, but you never answer them anyway, so what's the big deal? Aaron tells us that if her family's like Helene, it's going to be a "rough day."

Aaron and Helene arrive at some cookie-cutter, two-story home that belongs to one of Helene's brothers. Helene brings Aaron in and starts introducing him to various family members. Helene's sister-in-law is a big copper mold collector. They're all over the kitchen walls. It's practically a copper mold museum. Helene introduces Aaron to her family; then to her three brothers, Ed, Joe, Henry; and to her sister-in-law, Leona. Then she explains to us that she introduced Aaron to her three brothers and sister-in-law.

They all head out to the backyard for a barbecue. The "inquisition" begins. These guys really aren't much tougher than Gwen's family. I think they just want to make sure Aaron's not a serial killer, and that's about it. They ask whether Aaron has a house. He has a condo. They ask him if he sees himself doing something different in five to ten years. Nope. Aaron's happy riding on the family's coattails. Does he work a lot? He claims that he works about fifty hours a week. Golf with clients doesn't count as "work," Aaron. Leona asks if Aaron thinks he and Helene are compatible. Aaron says that they're both obviously "outgoing" and "adventurous" or else they wouldn't have been on the show together. Those are adjectives that the producers used in the first episode, by the way, so I have doubts that Aaron came up with those diplomatic synonyms for "desperate" and "exhibitionistic" on his own. Aaron insists to us that these questions are putting him on "the hot seat." Oh, if he only knew what was to come. Aaron marvels over the fact that Helene's parents have been together forty years. Helene tells us that she hopes that Aaron sees that those little jabs and jokes she tosses out are a part of the way her family behaves, and that he understands that this means she's comfortable around him.

Aaron offers to refresh Helene's drink so that they can all talk behind his back. After he leaves, she asks the others what they think. Everybody thinks Aaron is okay. Dad says, "He's all right." Try not to gush too much. Aaron must be deadly dull. Joe tells Helene that the most important thing is that she's happy. Helene says she's happy with Aaron, but points out that he's the one who gets to make all the decisions, not her. Yeah, you know, even taking away all the desperation and camera whoring and creepy behavior, the thing that annoys me most about this show -- and other similar dating reality shows -- is that imbalance of power in this alleged romantic situation. Anyway, Aaron returns and they all make jokes about whether or not they were saying bad things about Aaron. Ed then reveals that he hasn't seen Helene this happy in a long time. That's rather sad.

Time's up for this family gathering. As Aaron and Helene say their goodbyes, Ed tells us that Aaron's an okay guy and that he could see him fitting into the family. Leona says that perhaps Helene is falling just a little bit too hard for Aaron; she worries that Helene will be hurt if she isn't chosen. Helene repeats for us that she is indeed falling for Aaron and that they have "chemistry." See 'N Say Aaron tells us that he's getting to know the women better and that all of this is really tough. Aaron and Helene kiss goodbye.

Commercials. We return to Albertville, Alabama. There's a shot of a Baptist church, because it's the South, y'all. See 'N Say Aaron says he "never imagined being as impressed with these families as [he] has been." What the hell was he expecting? And what was he impressed with? That they were all genial and dull, just like him? He recaps the first half of the episode for us in this very annoying voice of constant surprise. Clearly, he must have thought Gwen's family sold babies on the black market and Helene's family performed black magic ceremonies in their basement to summon demons. That's the only way Aaron's shocked tone of voice makes any sense. So now he explains that he's in Alabama to meet Brooke's family. He sits on a dock on some lake or river and feeds ducks. He tells us that he's heard some "interesting" things about Brooke's family and wonders if meeting them will change his opinion of her. I thought his opinion of Brooke was that she's a hot little blonde chick that will probably put out. Does the family even matter?