Cult of (No) Personality

Previously: Aaron was a perfect man who writes symphonies and farts potpourri. Christi was crazy. Kyla was pissy. Chris was hyperbolic. He still is. Now, some of these women are falling in love, or so Chris would have us believe. The narration on this show has about as much credibility as a Matt Drudge column. We see shots from the dates we're going to see tonight. I'm not going to recap them right now because I'm tired of humoring this show's repetitive scenes, narration, and interviews. I'll recap them as they actually happen. There are six women left. There are four roses to be given. "Who will be sent home broken-hearted?" The answer to that question: Ben Affleck.

Morning comes to the Malibu Dream House. A real deer stands placidly in the yard, to some statues of faux deer. They used that shot to enhance the whole "fairy-tale" conceit they seem to be pushing at us. A shot of the deer nosing through their trash, nibbling on apple cores, may be more realistic, but that's not exactly the stuff of fantasy, now, is it? Inside, natural beauty clearly isn't good enough for these women, as they all primp and doll themselves up. There's a montage of various bachelorettes blow-drying their hair. Fascinating.

Chris calls the women into the living room, looking like he just wandered by from a frat kegger. Dude, you could at least tuck in your shirt, you know. You're on television. The six women come out and sit on two couches. After some small talk, Chris explains the details of this round: three women will get one-on-one dates with Aaron. The remaining three will get one group date. Who well get the one-on-one dates? Before the show, all the potential bachelorettes had to take a personality test. Since we all know by now that the test wasn't to weed out the crazy ones, Chris reveals that they gave the women the tests to determine "scientifically" which women's personalities match closest to Aaron's. The three women with the best matches get the personal dates. They would have done these dates earlier, but they had to send Aaron's test to a special laboratory, because the use of an electron microscope was necessary in order to read his results. Chris tells them all to expect Martha Stewart gift boxes over the couple of days to reveal who gets which date. After he leaves, Heather says that she knew she should have lied on the tests. Does that mean she knows she's not compatible with Aaron? Was that a joke? I don't get it. Whatever.

The first box arrives. Heather goes out to get it. In an interview, Heather tells us that she went out to get the box. Maybe there's a blind demographic to this show that I'm unaware of. And what a coincidence! Heather is the first one chosen for a one-on-one date. Based on the little theme toys in the box, the women determine that Heather and Aaron are going to a spa. In an interview, Brooke claims that all the women are shocked that Heather was chosen, because they didn't see them as a particularly "compatible" pair. Whether or not that was cattiness or just an observation, I have no idea. It's probably a little of both.

As Aaron gets into a limo, he voice-overs an explanation of the personality tests yet again. Blind people with no short-term memory. Are there a lot of people like that? Aaron goes on to say that he recalls Heather's video message before a rose ceremony that she's heard that Aaron is a good kisser and hopes to find out herself. He concludes, rightly so, that Heather is going to be rather "forward" on this date. And I'm sure there's no connection between Heather's aggressiveness in that area and the decision to give her the date where they both get naked. Just another coincidence.

Aaron stops by the Malibu Dream House to pick up Heather. They hug. In an interview, Heather gushes that she was so happy when her "prince" arrived. No, you're not getting that date. In the limo, they drink champagne, and Heather says she's never gotten a massage at a spa before. I find that hard to believe. She has a total spa personality, if that makes any sense. They talk about the process of getting massages. Let the record show that Aaron mentions getting naked for the massage first. So of course, Heather's all, "Yeah, naked, yeah!"

The two of them load into a helicopter to fly out to the spa. Heather clings to Aaron and narrates to us, "I see Malibu, but all I can know is that Aaron is to me, and I'm so happy to be sitting to him, no matter where we're going. He held my hand. He touched me, and I was just like, 'This guy is my dream.' If this is what love is all about, now I've realized that I was never in love before, because he is everything that I've ever been looking for." There's a scratching sound as single, heterosexual men everywhere write Heather's name just under Christi's in the backs of their black books, under the heading, "Do Not Date This Woman Under Any Circumstances. Not Even One-Night Stands."

Heather and Aaron arrive at some spa in Santa Barbara. In robes, they head out to some outdoor massage tables. They're told to disrobe and get on the tables. Heather asks if she has to get naked in front of everybody. Aaron stupidly says that it's a "test of [her] skills." I guess Aaron wants to make sure the woman he marries is capable of undressing herself without a major incident. She insists that Aaron go first. Eventually, they both make it onto their tables while hiding their naughty bits under the sheets that were provided for them. They lie on their stomachs, staring at each other, while they get their massages. Heather voices over that they had some sort of intense chemistry. Aaron jokes about slipping the masseuse a $50 to pull Heather's sheet down a bit so he can look at her ass. See, told you he was an ass man. And speaking of asses, clearly the reason we're not going to see Aaron's is because those snooty comments he made in the second episode about Alex leading women on have come back and chewed the sucker right off. After flirting with Heather about seeing her naked and wishing that he were the one massaging her or vice versa, he tells us that it was all just fun, innocent flirtation. Heather tells us all that she can't describe what's going through her mind. But actually, she can: "He is just everything, at this point, to me in my life."

Post-massage, Aaron and Heather head into the hot tub, wearing swimsuits. Heather says, "Before the night ends, I really hope Aaron sees me in the exact light that I see Aaron in. And that he's like, 'You know what? Do we really need to go through the two rose ceremonies? I have found the girl for me, and that's all I want.'" How do people end up like this? I'd honestly like to know. I can't even wrap my mind around somebody who believes that she's that much in love with this guy who she barely knows. In the hot tub, Heather nibbles on Aaron's neck. She fondles his arm and his chest. In some wonderful editing, Aaron explains to us, "I didn't really feel anything. Wish I did. She's a great girl." Aaron does that non-responsive thing that guys do when they're afraid to tell you that they're not interested and hope that somehow, you will pick up on it. This is different from the non-responsive thing that guys do when they're totally digging you and don't want to say anything stupid that would spoil the moment. How do you tell the difference? If I ever figure it out, I'll let you know. Aaron looks around uncomfortably for an escape of some sort as Heather continues to fondle him. His eyes beckon the cameraman to drop the equipment into the tub. Anything to get away.

Heather tells us, "I just don't think you can deny love. The static between us -- it would just make somebody roll over in their [sic] grave, and it just is the most awesome feeling." Their love would make somebody roll over in his grave? Who? One of the Bront sisters? At this point, Heather's bypassed Christi on the scale of self-delusion. Although Christi was insistent that she loved Aaron, she was observant enough to see that their connection had fallen apart. Heather doesn't have a clue. Aaron does that thing where he pretends that the fooling around has started to make him sleepy. That sign I've learned to recognize. I've used that sign myself. Heather asks him what's going through his mind. He's probably trying to imagine Helene fondling him instead, but he doesn't answer and turns it back around on Heather. Oh, he's clever at times. I still think he's a dumb clod, but he knows how to keep from getting pinned down. Heather wonders what it would have been like if they had both been on the same massage table, rather than two separate ones. It would have been really crowded, for starters. Heather tells us, "I keep thinking that someone's gonna pinch me and wake me up, and it's just gonna be a dream, and I don't want to be woken up." I don't think an air-raid siren would wake Heather up right now. Aaron suggests that they move to the pool so he can get the heck away from her. Aaron tells the camera that he wasn't attracted to Heather, and that she was trying to be more intimate that he wanted to be. They stand in the shallow end of the pool, and Heather clings to Aaron, asking him if he's trying to "score." Aaron laughs. Ow. Ow. How could she not pick up on that? When you ask somebody if they want to have sex with you, and they laugh? It's time to go looking for a new dance partner. But then Aaron says, "No, I'm not. But only because I'm behaving." Then he leans in and starts kissing her. Oh, that honest Midwestern upbringing. I'm sure his parents are proud. Heather tells us that she can see Aaron as her husband. She's visualizing the house and the white picket fence and the kids and even visualizes Aaron coaching a kids' soccer team. She says, "My head is just turning with ideas." Across the country, single, heterosexual men write, "RUN AWAY!!!" to Heather's name in their little black books and underline it three times. We end with Heather clinging to Aaron in the pool, while he stares off into the distance, wondering if the spa has any fire alarms.

Commercials. We return to the Malibu Dream House. Gwen tells us all that "for some reason," she keeps looking for the date box. Just a little voice in her head told her to look -- a voice named "production assistant." Eventually she finds a box, swaddled in cloth. She brings it inside. Wow! Another coincidence! This box is for Gwen. The card reads, "Fairy tales can come true. Please join me for an enchanted evening. Aaron." There are glass slippers. They're not really glass, of course. I'm sure Aaron would prefer that his potential wife not end up cutting her own feet off in the course of a date. Gwen and her forehead explain that she was hoping for a one-on-one date because she thought from the very beginning that she and Aaron were compatible. Yeah, you're both as dull as dishwater.

Some folks from Nicole Miller ("Your store for desperate attention-grabbing measures") arrive with a special fairy-tale dress for Gwen. Frankly, I think the dress is hideous. It's pale-blue in color, with a bodice-type top and too much fabric on the bottom. It looks far more like a prom dress than something an adult would ever wear on a date. Or anywhere at all. Gwen gets her hair and makeup done. The stylist wisely obscures Gwen's forehead with her bangs. They even give her a tiara, which probably isn't a good idea if they're trying to disguise the size of her giant head. In an interview, Gwen blathers that she thought when she was a young girl that she'd meet some guy and fall madly in love. But then reality set in, as reality is wont to do. As she checks herself out in a mirror (look out for the evil queen!), she tells us, "You think, 'you know, fairy tales don't really come true,' but, you know, maybe they do in their own little way." Yes, when twenty television executives, producers, assistants, and corporate sponsors come together and make it happen. It's so magical! Helene jokes that the other women all felt like "evil stepsisters" watching Gwen prepare for the ball. I'm sure these women get twenty bucks for every Disney cartoon reference. The women joke to Gwen that they're going to make her do chores when she returns.

Tinkly music plays as Gwen tries to sweep romantically down the stairs. Except that the dress has so much fabric that she has to hold a lot of it up in front of her, making it look like she's taking a load of sheets down to the washing machine. Heather -- making it all about herself, of course -- tells us that she wonders what Aaron would have though if he had seen her in that dress. Probably, "Well, with all that fabric, I don't have to worry about her rubbing herself all over me." Brooke tells us that all the girls were a little jealous of Gwen for getting the "Cinderella" date. Twenty bucks for Brooke!

Aaron arrives in a bland suit. What's the deal with that? Where's the frilly prince outfit? Coward. I was hoping for a purple jacket with tails and gold epaulets. Aaron tells us that he was looking forward to his date with Gwen and blah blah compatible blah blah. Same thing he's said about Gwen three times already. When Aaron likes a woman, he's like one of those See 'N Say toys. You just turn the dial to the image of a woman, pull the string, and he says the same thing every time. Aaron tells us that he was "intimidated" when he saw Gwen in the dress. He says he tried to "play it smooth," but doesn't think anybody bought it. I don't think they've bought any of the times Aaron has tried to "play it smooth." "Smooth" is definitely not a word that showed up on Aaron's personality test. Helene tells us all that Gwen looked so pretty that she started to get nervous that she might not get a rose at the ceremony. Helene sounds about as concerned at this possible chain of events as I would be if I were told that my local grocery store had run out of imported Norwegian sturgeon-flavored cake frosting.

Back in the enchanted mansion, or whatever, Gwen says that she'd like to know what "drives" Aaron. Aaron, if you weren't already aware, is driven by clichs. He tells her, "Success is a journey, not a destination," and that you have to be happy to be successful. Of course, he didn't say what makes him happy or where he hopes this journey takes him, so he might as well have said, "'Eep! Op! Ork! Ah-ah!' That means, 'I love you!'" And before Gwen can ask for any sort of clarification, Aaron once again turns the question around on the person asking. What drives Gwen? Gwen says that her motto is, "Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. And dance like nobody's watching." Man, I hate that motto so much. It's a motto that sounds clever, but the more you think about it, is full of shit. It's something said by witless college kids who don't know what it's like to not have any money yet, haven't had a relationship last long enough to really hurt when it ends, or -- well -- the dancing part of the quote is okay. But the rest sucks. Amazingly, Aaron seems to have lived without ever having heard that phrase before. Maybe he doesn't have email? Or ever been to anybody's personal web page? He's in utter awe of the phrase and tells us, "How could you not melt at that. It's incredible."

Gwen and Aaron slow dance to the violin music. Aaron mutters that they're dancing like nobody's watching. Except you're not. Because you know people are watching. There are probably fifteen people on the crew in that room, watching you dance. Shut up. Aaron tells us that he's never met anybody that he feels so strongly about in this time frame before. Except Helene. And maybe Brooke. Not so much Brooke, but definitely Helene.

Commercials. When we return, Brooke, Hayley, Angela and Aaron are heading out to the marina for their yacht date. The name of the boat is Mojo, prompting Aaron to declare, "Get your mojo on!" Yes, you're very clever, Aaron.

They all head out to sea. They watch a sea lion frolic. They jump into the ocean. They hang out in a hot tub on the yacht, because sometimes a yacht just isn't decadent enough; you've got to have a hot tub to impress the really shallow babes. Neither Hayley nor Angela seems terribly afflicted with sea sickness. The waters are pretty calm. Angela tells us that she could see herself falling in love with Aaron "someday," because he's so funny and open. Funny? Open? They must be editing out those parts in order to make room for the women acting crazy. And shots of boobies. Angela says she is finding herself attracted to Aaron. On the boat, Angela says to Aaron, "You've made out with everybody you've gone out with. So how do you feel about that?" I'm assuming she means he's made out with everybody he's had a solo date with. Aaron's response: "We're talking about meeting people's families and stuff, you know. I mean, you've gotta go there, I guess." What? What? So kissing the women is just part of the process, then? He has to kiss them because he's going to meet their parents? Angela says that at least Aaron isn't like Alex from Season One, but I can't make out her reason why and they cut her off before there can be a discussion of that thorny issue. And also because Aaron becomes more like Alex with every episode. Aaron tells us that he's glad that Angela has started to "open up" and told him funny stories and blah blah blah. He's glad to learn more about her personality.

Helene and Aaron eat. Aaron asks if he passes the cooking test. Helene dismissively says, "Yeah. It's good." Aaron brings up Helene's threat to leave a few episodes ago because of all the Crazy Christi drama. Is she over that? Helene says that she is. She explains that she told herself going in that if she didn't like being there, or Aaron, she'd leave. They joke about Helene's reputation for being talkative. Aaron tells us that he doesn't see that as a problem. He doesn't even notice it. Yeah, that's because if Helene does all the talking, you'll never have to worry about being asked uncomfortable questions like "What do you plan to do with your life?" or "How do you really feel about me?"

For the part of the date, Aaron and Helene are going to sit around and watch a slide show. This is a date? I think I'd rather dress up like Cinderella rather than watch slides on a date. Even worse, these are slides of Aaron and Helene as kids. God, how dull. Helene whines that she doesn't want to look at slides of herself. Well, then you shouldn't have given them to the show, should you? They sit on a couch and look at the pictures. We see the obligatory naked-baby-in-the-tub shot of Aaron. Helene as a little girl dressed up for Halloween. Helene in a frilly dress. Helene as prom queen. Young Aaron sitting on the toilet. Can we get Aaron out of the bathroom, please? After seeing The Ring, I already have enough sources for nightmares to last the few weeks. Helene as a girl, dressed up like a bride. Yikes. Aaron as a total geek at a piano recital. He had the thick glasses and plaid jacket and everything. Wow. Helene as a cheerleader.

After the show, Helene jokes that they both looked like morons. She tells us that the slide show was "definitely a surprise." Yeah, right. Wherever did those photos come from? She says the photos got them talking about their pasts. They lounge about on some doublewide deck chaise. Aaron asks Helene if she thinks she's been more open than he has. Helene doesn't think Aaron's been very open at all. At least somebody finally noticed. He says it's tough because he likes Helene and doesn't want to "mislead" her. How would being open with her mislead her? He's getting into trouble because he's not telling these women how he feels about them. He's so obsessed with not getting caught in a direct lie that he's not saying anything at all. He says that he knows what he's thinking and feeling, but that it's hard for him to say it to Helene, because he's afraid that something might change and that eventually Helene will call him a liar. See? So he's not going to let these women know what he really thinks of them, so they can't call him out on it later. That's a brilliant strategy! Maybe Aaron shouldn't be so quick to dismiss women like Christi and Heather, who declare their love for him nearly instantaneously. They don't even care how he feels about them as long as they get the ring and the picket fence. Helene practically rolls her eyes at Aaron at this explanation, then tells us what Aaron just said about not wanting to have to retract his feelings. Heather shows that she is indeed a trained psychologist when she tells us that Aaron's behavior threw up a few "red flags."