“ Aaron and Helene have a picnic on some windy hillside, while a couple of horses in the background stand around, refusing to play up to the cameras. ”
Previously: Thousands of Women's Studies professors muttered angrily under their breath and shook their heads in frustration. Tonight: Aaron will take Helene, Gwen, and Brooke on overnight dates. Then he'll send one home in the most shocking rose ceremony yet! Aaron will make hard decisions! Somebody will leave broken-hearted! People will repeat themselves! Shack will roll his eyes!
We don't waste any time in this episode. And by that, I mean we get right into the dates. We'll be wasting plenty of time with people talking a lot and saying nothing. As we see highway signs for Aspen, Colorado, and flowers and birds, See 'N Say Aaron voices over that these three dates are "crucial" because he doesn't know who he's going to boot . I don't believe him.
We see Helene load into a skylift as Aaron tells us that he likes Helene, "but she's going to have to quit being so guarded at some point in time for us to go any further." Gee, maybe you could set a good example and actually answer some of her damned questions. Jesus, I'm annoyed already. He wants all these women to kneel before the throne of Aaron, yet he refuses to be honest with them because he'd screw up the whole premise behind the show if he did.
Helene unloads at the top of some viewing area. Aaron greets her, once again wearing whatever he found on the floor when he woke up this morning. Tuck in your damned shirt! You're on a date! They hug. Aaron tells her they have a fun day planned. She wants to know details. He says he likes surprises, which means that he probably doesn't know what the hell they're doing, either. Helene says that she doesn't like surprises, but nobody cares what she likes. Aaron says they'll be going horseback riding later, as they load into an SUV, all the better to destroy that pretty environment they're enjoying. Aaron tells the blind viewers how pretty Aspen is.
Aaron and Helene have a picnic on some windy hillside, while a couple of horses in the background stand around, refusing to play up to the cameras. Aaron asks Helene if she's happy with her work and whether she plans to stay in the field of psychology. She says she doesn't know, but that she really likes working with kids. Aaron says that the job sounds pretty flexible. Based on what? He probably hopes so, because he wants to make sure his intended wife is able to pick up his dry cleaning on demand. Helene explains that she had to take a couple of classes and had to pass a test, and then she got "national certification," allowing her to do whatever the heck it is that she actually does anywhere in the country. I'm pretty sure these classes and tests are separate from her degrees. She blathers on, wondering why she would leave New Jersey, but she isn't really sure one way or another. She asks Aaron if he likes his job. He says he does -- he gets to meet new people all the time and works with his family. Does he actually do anything? I really don't think he does. Helene asks him if his family pressured him into working for the business. He said they didn't. They just wanted him to be happy. And if his happiness meant that he gets some meaningless job title, a salary that amounts to an allowance, and some vague, occasional things to do that have a passing resemblance to actual work, who are we to judge?
Aaron mentions Helene's big family and asks if she'd like to have a big family of her own some day. She says maybe two or three kids. Aaron "jokes" that he wants eleven kids, enough for a football team. I suspect that he's not really kidding. Helene makes a point of mentioning that he's not the one who is going to have to pass them out like cannonball-sized gallstones.
Aaron asks Helene if she's ever been horseback riding. She hasn't. Gee, you'd think they'd ask the women about their interests and such before arranging their dates. Oh wait, that assumes the producers care at all about the women's interests. Silly me. We want pretty mountain shots and hot tubs and boobies! The horses continue to refuse to face the camera. They don't want to be part of this farce. Aaron tells Helene that they'll saddle up when she's ready. She picks at the food and suggests they eat some more. She really doesn't want to ride the horse. See 'N Say Aaron ignores her discomfort and tells us that he's getting to know Helene better and they're having lots of fun. Yes, look at what he learned: Will she leave New Jersey? Maybe. Does she want to stay in her field of psychology? Possibly. Does she want a big family? Perhaps. We're all cracking that mystery that is Helene.
Aaron and Helene go horseback riding. Helene does fairly well for somebody who's never been on a horse before. She tells her horse, "Follow your boyfriend. Follow my boyfriend." I can see how she'd get confused. They both have the same teeth. They travel for a while and eventually end up back at the picnic site. Aaron helps Helene off her horse. The horses go back to ignoring everybody else. Helene tells us that she's starting to trust Aaron more and is starting to open up and share her feelings with Aaron in order to see what his feelings are. If she says so.
The sun sets on Aspen. If they did anything else all afternoon, we don't get to see it. Helene and Aaron head to a place called Caribou Alley for dinner. Helene asks Aaron what his favorite food is. It's seafood. Helene is glad, because she couldn't be with somebody who didn't like seafood. Prince Charming could come knocking on her door, but if he was allergic to shrimp, she'd just slam it in his face. Aaron suggests that if they stay together, they'll be eating out a lot, because Helene doesn't like to cook, or so we were led to believe on their date two weeks ago. Aaron insists that he doesn't care, but the fact that he brought it up in the first place passive-aggressively suggests that he does. Helene clarifies that she actually does cook, usually seafood dishes. Maybe these two are living examples of those recent stories about mercury poisoning and the dangers of eating too much seafood?
“ Aaron tells us that he's seeing a change in Helene, and that he's seeing the 'true' Helene now. The Helene whose wine goes straight to her nose for some reason, and whose laugh can set off car alarms. ”
Helene says that her school-related job makes for early workdays, and that she'd be able to take the kids home from school. Aaron asks if Helene intends to work after she has kids. He says, "I guess if you had to, you would, but ideally if you didn't have to, you probably wouldn't. I don't know." Um, are you going to ask Helene or just decide on her behalf? He essentially just told Helene that he wants her to be a stay-at-home mom. I would bail on this whole thing on the basis of Aaron's attitude right here. Assuming I would ever agree to be on a show like this, which is very unlikely. And assuming they would ever have a gay version of this show, which is really unlikely. And assuming that gay men could bear children, which, well...no. Anyway, rather than regarding Aaron with a withering glare until he apologizes for his presumptuousness, Helene says that she might consider staying at home while her kids are really young. That's not as good as spraying Aaron with mace, but at least she's making it clear that she's going to be the one to decide whether or not she'll continue to work.
Helene and Aaron blather on about their musical backgrounds. Helene played the clarinet in school, but not very well. That probably puts her in line with about 75% of all public-school clarinet players. She says that she couldn't get enough "air" to play well. Aaron acts surprised at the idea that somebody as talkative as Helene couldn't get enough air. She gives him a look. They both laugh at the terribly unfunny joke. Aaron tells us that he's seeing a change in Helene, and that he's seeing the "true" Helene now. The Helene whose wine goes straight to her nose for some reason, and whose laugh can set off car alarms.
Now it's time for an alleged surprise, even though neither Aaron nor Helene has any hope of pretending that they don't know what this is. Aaron pulls out an envelope. Inside are a key and a card. Aaron reads the card out loud: "Hello Helene and Aaron. Hope you are enjoying your stay in Aspen. If you decide to forego your individual rooms, you can use this key to stay as a couple in our 'fantasy suite.'" Aaron suggests that they can go there and sit in the hot tub and "drink some vino." Ech. Tool. Oh, and if you're going to act like you didn't know what the card said, perhaps you shouldn't clue us all in on the fact that you already know what's in the "fantasy suite"? Doofus. Helene says that she's looking forward to it, with the sort of excitement not seen since Pluto Nash hit the theaters. Helene tells us that sharing a room is great because it allows them to get to know each other better. Possibly in a "Your Body Is A Wonderland" kind of way.
Their "fantasy suite" is actually a beautiful house. I guess consistent use of terminology is more important to this show than actual accuracy. Aaron tells us what we can clearly see. They go inside and marvel at everything. Yes, it is indeed beautiful, but unless there's a unicorn chained up in the backyard, I think it falls a little short of a "fantasy," considering that these women were living pretty pampered at the Malibu Dream House. Aaron suggests that they check out the back deck area, because that's where the hot tub is, and Aaron is just simply unable to function without simmering himself for at least an hour a night.
“ Gwen and Aaron having a picnic. Another one? Man, these people have no imagination. They need to take a page from Blind Date and send them off to glassblowing classes or something. ”
Aaron and Helene slip into their bathing suits and into the hot tubs. They have this really deep conversation about their future. Here's a taste: "Do you ever try to envision, like, down the road or out of fantasyland?" "I think it'd be cool. I don't know; I get along with you pretty well and everything else. It'd be cool." All this heavy conversation has spent Aaron, so he starts kissing Helene. She says, "I don't see me having any complaints." This is love, people. Helene turns the question back on Aaron, asking him if he could "put up" with her. He simply nods at her. She asks him if that's it -- if that's his response. She points out that he's asking her to consider moving to Missouri, and that's his bland response. She asks him to tell her what she likes about her. Aaron gets this look like, "Why do these chicks always insist on talking?" and lies that he likes everything about her. Aaron says that Chris asked him that if he had to pick somebody right now, who would it be. He says he'd pick Helene. Helene screeches out a laugh and suggests that they should have ended the show right there. They kiss some more.
Back inside, Helene and Aaron splay photogenically across a sofa and cuddle. Helene admits to Aaron that she's not sure she could ever find somebody as perfect for her as Aaron is. Aaron says that's a pretty bold statement. And of course, it begs for a similar response from Aaron that he's not going to give, so instead, he leans over and kisses her. Helene tells us that she really has fallen for Aaron, and that if he were to choose her to propose to, she would have no reservations of accepting. Aaron and Helene cuddle on the couch and pretend to fall asleep, so the cameramen will leave and they can finally have sex.
Commercials. up is Gwen, whom Aaron is meeting in San Francisco. Man, they didn't even bother to leave California for her "exotic" date. There's a trolley, of course. See 'N Say Aaron says that he hopes Gwen says or does something on this date that will make his decision easier by sweeping him off his feet or whatever. This is one of two reasons why I wasn't surprised when he dumped her. He's essentially admitting to us that despite his constant vague praises, he doesn't see Gwen in the same light he does Helene or Brooke. Aaron meets Gwen in some tower that I'm sure is a local landmark, but since it's not a trolley or the Golden Gate Bridge, I haven't a clue what it is. Are there other parts to San Francisco? Gwen and Aaron hug. Gwen tells us that she was excited and nervous to see Aaron again. Aaron says he's looking forward to the date.
Cut to Gwen and Aaron having a picnic. Another one? Man, these people have no imagination. They need to take a page from Blind Date and send them off to glassblowing classes or something. Gwen asks Aaron if he thinks he'll find what he's looking for from "this process." She actually calls it a "process," like she's part of some middle-management audit. Aaron blandly responds in the affirmative, telling her that "[he's] not disappointed" in the way things have turned out. No kidding. He's gotten more tail than an eel farmer. There's silence. Aaron asks Gwen what she's thinking. Gwen's all, "How can you tell I was thinking something?" Aaron tells us that Gwen's been skirting around something she's been wanting to tell him. Some big, huge secret. Hey, it worked for Brooke. Maybe she'll finally get some attention. She still doesn't tell him. She's going to wait until dinner. Aaron leans over and awkwardly kisses Gwen.