Leaving Normal

Previously, Aaron determined after an evening of conversation that he couldn't possibly consider marrying ten women. I mean, he told ten women that he wasn't interested in considering them for marriage, not that he considered polygamy and decided against it. Although there's a potential reality-show concept right there for the taking. Something for ABC to consider while its entire fall line-up continues to crash and burn.

But before we start tonight's episode, it's time for another chapter in the epic novel, Why Shack Is Stupid. I taped this episode (successfully this time) and watched the whole thing later in the evening after I got home from work in order to write the recaplet. My second show, Firefly, is pre-empted for baseball this week, so I planned to start work on the recap Friday evening while doing errands and such. So I stuck the tape in and went out to get my laundry. But, see, I've programmed my VCR to tape at a certain time every week so that I can make sure I've got it in case I get called away or work late or whatever. So I come back in from folding my laundry, and suddenly the first ten minutes of the episode have been taped over with baseball. It started recording the playoffs while I was folding my shirts, and I managed to catch it before it went any further. Oops. I'm beginning to think this is some sort of plot by my subconscious to spare my poor, suffering brain. So if the first couple of pages of the recap seem rather...vague...it's because I'm recapping, in part, from memory. And my memory sucks. Sorry. All the good stuff happens later in the episode anyway, so I haven't lost any of the drama. Actually, losing the first ten minutes spares you a recap of Chris explaining what the show is about in a voice-over, and then explaining it again in person, and then having Aaron and a couple of bachelorettes explain it for us again. So, really, we're all winners here.

So tonight, we'll see Aaron take the fifteen remaining bachelorettes out on dates in three groups of five. After the dates are done, the five women who failed to lavish enough attention on Aaron will be tossed. Let's just assume that the women all make sad frowny faces when they're told this. Whatever will they do if Aaron doesn't love them? How can they go back to their homes and jobs and families without Aaron? Let's assume that several bachelorettes look forward to this date as a chance to make an impression on Aaron. Let's assume that Christi is one of those women, because I'm so sure she is.

The women await the arrival of a package, inside which they'll discover who was selected for the first date and where they'll be going. A gift box arrives, and the women all coo over it like it was full of the offers for the sitcom walk-on roles that they all think they're going to get out of the exposure from this show. It looks like one of those special themed gift sets that Martha Stewart tells us we're suppose to be making to hand out to the guests at the garden parties we're supposed to be throwing. Don't ask me how I know this. The things you watch when you're up at 2 in the morning. Dana, Gwen, Frances, Blonde Heather, and Helene have all been invited out to a day at the races. Who goes to the horse track for dates these days? That's something you only see on movies they show on AMC. I'm not sure any of these women own hats that are appropriately big and ridiculous for a day at the races.

But since the date isn't quite twee enough, they're going to take the "train" to the races, even though the train looked like it was just a single car. Essentially, it was like a trolley. These "dates" are so silly. They seem even more ridiculous if you consider the fact that nobody on the date was actually involved with the planning. Isn't the point of a date, in part, to find out what sorts of things the other person enjoys? Well, somewhere out there is a producer who gets a woody from watching National Velvet. Allegedly, Aaron helped put these dates together, but I don't believe it for a minute. They're right out of the Blind Date school of orchestrated interaction.

Oh and at some point in all of these proceedings, Aaron starts talking to a bachelorette about art. He explains that he's a big art lover and, as an example, mentions a painting of a World War II fighter plane on the wall at home. I'm not even kidding. That's just hysterical. He's apparently as much an "aesthete" as he is a "classical pianist."

The women schmooze and beg for attention and do everything that you expect. Aaron, though, has his eye on Helene, and invites her alone out to that "balcony" outside the back of the train car where you shove people off if you want to kill them. They chat, and Aaron whines about how much high-maintenance women annoy him when they take forever to get ready to go out. Helene says she isn't one of those women. That's probably because Helene appears to be one of those effortlessly pretty women who could be dragged by horses through five miles of mud and still look stunning. It's easy to be low-maintenance when you've done laps through the nice end of the gene pool. Aaron tells Helene that he's glad they had their time together alone from the others. Helene's glad, too. Everybody's happy. Except the four bachelorettes who aren't getting the quality time with their man.

Back at the Malibu Dream House, seven bachelorettes have to explain to us that it's Angela's birthday. The remaining bachelorettes are all hanging around by the pool wearing bikinis. Boobies! Hey, fanboys, you don't need to switch to Birds of Prey to see lithe young women in very little clothing. We've got you covered. Please don't go! We need you! We don't know what we're doing! Help us! Do you need a job? Do you want to run our network? Suddenly, the phone rings. Suzanne rushes over to answer it. Christi, I believe, makes a snarky comment about how Suzanne just had to answer the phone because Suzanne is evil and everything she does has an agenda. She answered that phone maliciously! It's Aaron, who has been informed of Angela's birthday by a producer and just called to give his best wishes. Yay!

The track. It's all boring, so I'm really sort of glad I don't have to watch it all again. They watch horses. They cheer. The women swoon at Aaron. Frances and Dana are barely there. There's a little contest. The women all choose a horse to place a bet on. The one who chooses the winning horse gets a special prize. They bet. We watch them bet. They explain to us several times that the woman who picks the winning horse gets a special prize. Gwen picks a horse called either "Loose Expectations" or "Lose Expectations." I clearly remember everybody calling the horse the former, but the captioning said the latter. See, I remember these things because I'm an editor and that stuff bugs me. Either one seems appropriate, in any event. Since Gwen's horse is the only one they mention, it comes as no surprise when it wins. The prize: a hot-air balloon trip with Aaron while the other women hang out elsewhere, possibly having a lesbian orgy. Hey, I'm worried about losing the fanboy readers, too. Anything to get those numbers up. Boobies!

Back at the Malibu Dream House, the gift box has arrived, with wine glasses and a note that the group of five gets to hang out with Aaron in Napa Valley and booze it up. The five for this date are Christi, Suzanne, Anindita, Angela, and Erin. Christi declares that a trip to Napa Valley is her dream date. I think she would have said that even if the card declared that she'd be sailing down the River Styx on a raft made from dried rat corpses and drinking the blood of her grandparents. Suzanne declares that it's also her dream date. In an interview, Christi gives us all the hairy eyeball and insists that Suzanne didn't really mean what she said. Man, one mildly bitchy comment from Suzanne and Christi's on the warpath. Not that Suzanne gets much sympathy from me. Posters have commented that Suzanne looks like a man. Actually, I think she looks like Amanda Peet, who looks like a man, but Suzanne herself doesn't appear that masculine to me. Oh, and props to the soulless folks who produce the show and arranged this date for maximum conflict. Two women who hate each other, and alcohol. Let the good times roll!

And finally, my tape picks back up with the show. Yay! Aaron and Gwen float in the balloon. I had about a dozen hot air jokes, but they're all terribly obvious, so I'll just skip that. Aaron gets his swerve on, telling Gwen that this is his best date ever, and the two of them start making out. The sun reflects off Gwen's giant forehead, blinding me. For some reason, Aaron waits until the balloon is just about to land to throw Gwen some lines complimenting her smile and her eyes. The balloonist warns them to hold on, but they totally ignore him. I was hoping that the basket would pitch over when they landed, dragging the pair of them through the bushes for about thirty yards. But no, there's just an awkward bump, which interrupts Aaron's bullshitting, but that's it. Gwen says she's glad they went up together. Well, duh. Aaron insists again that it's the most romantic date he's ever been on.

Back at the Malibu Dream House, wacky sunburn hijinks! Some of the ladies spent a bit too much time in the sun. Brunette Heather sprayed all the ladies with something she claimed would help them get a tan. But apparently it had no sun protection whatsoever. Christi, in particular, got a really, really nasty sunburn. One that you know is going to result in at least three days of peeling skin. In an interview, Brunette Heather says that she'll do "whatever she has to do to compete." Yes, Aaron would never marry somebody who gets a sunburn! Bwah! Ha! Ha! The perfect plan! Heather adds that she sees herself going head to head with Christi to try to "win" Aaron. I have no idea if this interview actually has any connection to the sunburn issue, though they're clearly trying to make it seem as though Heather deliberately sabotaged them. Of course, you would think these self-absorbed women would be paying attention to their own bodies and would be able to tell what's going on. It's not like they were out at the beach or stuck outside somewhere. There was shelter ten feet away.

Commercials. When we return, Aaron shows up at the Malibu Dream House and explains for us again what has already been explained to us about the second date. Aaron and the five bachelorettes head off to a limo to the airport for a flight out to Napa Valley. They make Suzanne explain to us again that they took a limo to the airport to fly out to Napa Valley. In case you don't get it, they also show the jet taking off. Then they show the "Welcome to Napa Valley" sign at the edge of town.

Now where the hell are we? Oh yeah, Napa Valley. Aaron and the women taste wine. I wonder what alcoholics in Napa Valley do for fun. Is there anything there besides vineyards? Suzanne leads them all in a toast blathering about how happy she is to meet all these people and everything is great. In an interview, Christi worries that Suzanne is her biggest competition, "because she is very outgoing and fun to be around." Nevertheless, Christi is certain that Suzanne "isn't right for [Aaron.]" In other news, The American Beef Council has declared that vegetarianism isn't right for you. And Wal-Mart said that you're not the type of person who should shop at Target.

Then we get montages of Christi clinging to Aaron like a life preserver at every possible opportunity at Napa Valley as she tells us in an interview that she already "really, really, really [is] falling for [Aaron]." She's absolutely terrified that Aaron won't get an invitation at the rose ceremony. Her voice is practically breaking as she explains this to us. Anindita asks Aaron if he'd live on the beach or in the mountains, then says she'd live in the mountains because they're "more mysterious." "Mysterious"? Only in role-playing games are mountains mysterious. What with the orc mines and haunted caverns. Real mountains are rather obvious and hard to miss. Christi runs her hand up and down Aaron's back as if he'd turn to dust if she let go. She just has to touch him. She reminds me of a very needy pet who just has to sit on your lap at all times. She says, "When he smiles at me, my heart jumps. And I have to catch my breath every single time." She clings to Aaron, while he looks off in the distance with absolutely no expression on his face. Again she insists that this is everything she wants in a date. In an interview, Angela says she thinks Christi's clinging to Aaron is a little "odd."

They're all doing some wine tasting, when Suzanne excuses herself to "go wander" around. What the heck does that mean? Did she have to go the bathroom? As she leaves, Christi rolls her eyes up to the heavens as if God had answered a prayer for her. Anindita notices this, and calls Christi out on her nonverbals after Suzanne is gone. Christi plays dumb. Angela tells the camera that she didn't think Anindita was deliberately trying to cause trouble, but was simply a little more "forward" than she expected. Essentially, Angela is agreeing with Anindita without saying as much. Is Erin still on this date? Did she grab a parachute and jump out of the jet?

So Suzanne returns in all of five seconds. There has to be a big editing jump here, or else this whole fight is fake. She couldn't have even been out of earshot. So then Christi leaves, and Anindita fills Suzanne in about Christi's behavior. Aaron even agrees with Anindita's summation that Christi gets "stressed" whenever Suzanne leaves, so I don't believe he doesn't know what's going on. He even looks a little annoyed with Christi. Suzanne looks shocked and surprised. Aaron tells the camera that he didn't expect to see the women "show their true colors" so soon. Consider yourself lucky, then. And given what happens during the upcoming rose ceremony, Aaron must suffer from color blindness.

Why am I now watching The Man Show? Oh, this isn't another recording accident. The women left back at the Malibu Dream House are jumping up and down on a trampoline while wearing very little clothing. I have my tape paused on a close-up of somebody's boobies. How romantic. Feel the love. It's like a fairy tale. You remember that wet t-shirt contest in Cinderella, don't you?

The third gift box arrives for the women. We see one of the women bring the box in. And then Shannon explains to us that the third gift box arrived. God, we saw the damned thing! Will somebody smack whoever is responsible for the repetition? Smack him three times, because that's apparently how long it takes for him to understand things. In this gift box are stupid little plastic beach toys you give to your six-year-old nephew to play in the sand so he doesn't run into the ocean and drown. There's also some blue rope. This is going to be a kinky group date, I think. It's about time. The final group of five, Hayley, Shannon, Brooke, Brunette Heather, and Kyla are going to a beach and boating. Brooke shrieks and her boobies bounce up and down. Boobies!

Back at Napa, the women are doing this thing where they blend six different types of wine together to create some sort of superwine capable of destroying the world. Wine mixing sounds rather gross. Aaron is then blindfolded and tastes all the wine to choose which one he likes most. He picks Suzanne's wine. Everybody except Christi applauds. Another bachelorette (is that our lost Erin? Erin, where are you? Erin?) congratulates her. I think it's pretty obvious that the other women here have chosen Suzanne over Christi in this little conflict.

Suzanne's prize is that she gets to go out in the hallway with Aaron to drink some more wine. What a letdown compared to the hot-air balloon ride. Aaron explains that they're going to use something called a "wine thief" that looks like a giant medicine dropper to taste some wine directly out of the cask. It's slightly more refined than drinking directly out of the keg at a frat house, but not by much. He slips the end of the dropper into her mouth and squeezes the wine in.

Back in the other room, Christi is continuing to lose her mind. She stage whispers to the others that Suzanne really doesn't love Aaron; she's just telling him what she thinks he wants to hear. Are you mad because she's playing Aaron, Christi, or are you just mad because she's doing a better job than you? First date, sweetheart. It's your first real date. You're not in love with him either. There's Erin. Suddenly she has Sheryl Crow's hair. When did that happen? Anindita encourages Christi to go confront Suzanne about it. In other words, go be crazy at her; we don't care. There are six empty wine glasses in front of Christi, incidentally, although that could mean nothing since it's just wine "tasting." Erin tells Christi that Aaron is very "intuitive" and will see through Suzanne if she's faking it.

Cut back into the hall, where Suzanne has Aaron on his knees to dropper some wine down his throat. I just know that some clever pervert out there has done a screenshot of that image and Photoshopped it to make it look like Aaron is giving somebody a blowjob in a bathroom stall. That's exactly what it looks like. In an interview, Aaron describes Suzanne as a "smokin' girl" with a "hot body."

Back at the table, Anindita is continuing to push Christi toward the edge of the Cliffs of Sanity. She tells Christi that she feels bad for Suzanne whenever Christi rolls her eyes at her. Christi asks why Anindita has to point it out. Anindita says she'll say whatever's on her mind. Christi says she will, too. Oh, I didn't realize that rolling your eyes at somebody behind her back and then insisting that you didn't constitutes "saying whatever's on your mind." Christi insists that if she has something against someone, she'll say it to her face. Which she never, ever does, despite the fact that she tells the other women, tells Aaron, and tells the camera. She never tells Suzanne. The women (and despite Anindita's role here as the "troublemaker," clearly both Erin and Angela agree with her opinion) try to explain to Christi that they don't think that she's a bitch or mean or anything like that; they just don't like how they're treating Suzanne. But it's too late -- Christi's train has stopped at the Crazy Street Station in the City of New Bedlam. She stands up and strides out in tears.

Angela chases after Christi to try to calm her down. She's a better person than I. I would point and laugh. We get the lines we've been seeing in the promos. Christi tearfully explains to Angela, "I'm sensitive, and the things that people say about me makes me hurt. It hurts my feelings. It hurts my heart!" Gee, there's a lesson in there somewhere, but it's one that is lost in the chronically self-deluded. Christi sobs in her hands like a nine-year-old who has just seen her dog get run over. She cries that she wants to go home. I seriously hope she's drunk, because otherwise this is sadder than the woman who had that panic attack last season. I mean, she hasn't even been rejected by Aaron, yet. She's been rejected by one of the other women. But she's just so damned needy that she can't even deal with the thought that women like Anindita and Suzanne don't like her very much. Angela reminds Christi that it's just "one person" (which it's not) and that she has a "good feeling" about Aaron and that she doesn't really want to go home.

And now for some decent editing, finally. While all this is going on, Aaron and Suzanne are making out in the hallway. There's tongue and everything. There might be teeth as well, what with all the clacking sounds I'm hearing. I bet it's Aaron's fault with those huge chompers he's got. Suzanne tells the camera that she's beginning to feel something for Aaron, and worries what the step will be in all of this. They make out some more by the wine casks. Aaron is a really awkward kisser. He runs his hands all over the woman but doesn't really hold her close or anything. They're like two bad actors pretending to make out. And perhaps they are.

Then Aaron and Suzanne rejoin the other women to see that Christi is just moments away from compulsively pulling out her own hair and eating it. Christi insists that Anindita was saying things about her that aren't true. Aaron, despite his discomfort at Christi's behavior earlier, seems to be taking her side and tells the camera that Anindita was "cruel and demeaning." Ugh. Of course, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Which of these women has been clinging to Aaron and insisting that she's in love already? And who just so happens to be a blonde beauty queen as well. Right. Anindita is unperturbed about the whole fight and says that she must be a bitch, then. The other women and Aaron reassure her that she isn't a bitch. Even though he pretty much just told us that she was. Oh, well he didn't use the exact word "bitch," so I guess he didn't really mean that.

Christi begs Aaron to go outside alone with her. This stirs Aaron's "John Wayne calming down the emotional wimmin-folk" gene, and he agrees. He gets her outside and asks her, "What's going through that little head of yours?" I wasn't kidding about the John Wayne, you know. Blech. Christi doesn't explain anything other than to put on her sunglasses and insist that she doesn't want to be "that girl." Which one? The crazy, clingy, defensive, clueless, delusional one that everybody laughs at behind her back? Too late. She pulls Aaron in for a hug. He tells her everything's going to be all right. He's going to take care of those bandits who killed her dad. Or whatever. She clings to Aaron for life and whispers in all seriousness, "I think you're incredible," in his ear. She's Daffy Duck loony. The early Daffy Duck, when he used to bounce around making "Hoo hoo!" noises at everything. Aaron says, "Well, thanks," and leans in to kiss her. He explains to the camera that he essentially kissed her to shut her up. That's what you've got to do to keep the wimmin-folk calm. And if that doesn't work, you've just got slap some sense into them or put them over your knee. In an interview, Christi insists some more that she loves Aaron and that she can't catch her breath when he's holding her and she's scared. I'm scared, too. I'm just glad she doesn't love me.

In an interview, Brooke explains to us that she hasn't revealed any information to Aaron about her dad, such as where he is or what he's doing. She says she wants to wait. She tells Aaron that her dad is "away," but she does talk to him and stuff. But she hasn't seen him in two years. But she doesn't want to tell Aaron why just yet. She wants to wait until later. Of course, she might as well just tell him at this point, because he knows that there's something wrong with her dad. For some reason, I thought she was going to reveal that he was working as a female impersonator in Atlanta or something. She mentions that he's helping support her financially for school, so I just assumed that he had a job she considered to be very embarrassing. Or maybe I saw a commercial for The Birdcage or something. She insists to the camera that she's very proud of her dad, but starts to cry.

We cut to a bathroom, where Brunette Heather is calming Brooke down. We discover that Brooke's dad is in prison. Heather is being really nice and helpful, which contrasts with the personality they're trying to present in the interviews. It's the attack of the reality-show editing monster. Brooke sobs and whines that her daddy will never get to walk her down the aisle. Heather insists that Brooke doesn't know that. I wonder what he's in for. It must be something really bad. Heather jokes that she'll walk Brooke down the aisle herself. Yeah, except if the groom is Aaron, it's so that she can push Brooke over to take her place. Oh, apparently Brooke doesn't even know what her daddy did that landed him in prison. She says she doesn't want to know. I can't even imagine living like that. But I'm guessing he must be locked away for a long, long time. Maybe for life, if Brooke's reactions are an indication.

Well, that's all the one-on-one we're going to get. I swear, we haven't heard a single word from Dana on this show at all. Aaron worries some more about who he's going to pick. Christi wonders if she'll be able to rent the cathedral at Notre Dame on Valentine's Day for her wedding. She's going to ride in on the back of a unicorn, and they'll get married under a bower made of rainbows. Chris comes into the living room for his second required appearance to drag Aaron away for the choosing. Chris really serves no purpose on this show. At least he's not terribly annoying, but he's totally redundant. Everything he says is repeated by Aaron or one of the women. Whenever Chris asks Aaron a question, inevitably the answer is something Aaron's already said in the episode. Oh, look there's Dana. She says that every woman in there is hoping for a rose. That was really illuminating. No wonder they never let her talk. Brunette Heather points out that Aaron didn't even talk to her alone, and worries what that might mean.