Hello. I Love You. Won't You Tell Me Your Name?

Super-mega-props to queasy, who provided me a tape of this episode following my VCR fowl-up. She even shyly informed me that I didn't have to acknowledge her at all in my recap. So, of course, I'm going to try to work her name in as often as possible. This show makes me queasy. Queasy, queasy, queasy.

Speaking of queasy, the show opens with Chris giving us a voice-over comparing this show to a fairly tale: "Once upon a time, there was a charming, young bachelor, searching for the woman of his dreams." Now where did I leave that bucket? We see clips of said bachelor, Aaron, along with brief clips of seventeen blonde women declaring their love for him already. Tonight, Aaron will meet the twenty-five women chosen by the show's producers on the basis that they're pretty, petty, desperate and have big breasts. Aaron hopes to pick himself out a bride out of the group. Not nearly as much as ABC hopes he does. Chris explains further that in Aaron's search for "love," plenty of women are going to get hurt and rejected along the way. Yup, that's a fairy-tale romance right there. We see clips of women being catty with each other and crying. Whatever will they do with themselves if they don't become Mrs. Buerge? They will never recover! A rejectee tells us that she's "not going to be okay." America laughs at her suffering. Will Aaron find love among these blonde camera whores? Will he ask his chosen camera whore to marry him? Will she say yes? Will their relationship end up as fake as Alex and Amanda's? We'll take another step in the direction of finding out tonight.

After a brief title card of The Bachelor that serves as the credits, we cut to evening poolside at the Malibu Dream House so that Chris can appear on camera and repeat everything he just narrated over the clips. Thanks so much. Here's some more dialogue courtesy of ABC's marketing department: "In just a few minutes, we'll embark on an extraordinary romantic journey that will hopefully lead two people to the most wonderful things life has to offer." A job hosting a crappy entertainment show on cable? The chance to hand out a couple of those untelevised Emmys for technical achievement? A spot on the celebrity edition of Fear Factor? A blind item in several gossip columns? Oh, right -- love. It's all about love.

Now it's time to meet The Bachelor. Yes, we already met The Bachelor last week. But we haven't heard enough about how wonderful he is. It's almost like the show is trying to convince us to marry him. Chris assures us that Aaron is wonderful and handsome and smart and accomplished and wonderful and smart, and did he mention handsome? Chris is going to push one of the women into the pool and take her place, I think. Chris wanders through the Malibu Dream House repeating the same damned crap, about Aaron finding love among the twenty-five women, that he's been saying for the past five minutes. It's not like we're watching curling here, Chris. We all understand how it works.

We get a clip show as Aaron as a kid, looking very blond and wholesome. He was born and raised in Missouri, and that's where he's going to stay. Well, that puts me out of the competition, then. Missouri sucks, except for Kansas City. And I lived there for six years, so I know, so don't go sending me angry emails. Chris narrates that despite his accent and midwestern upbringing, Aaron is a true "renaissance man." Europe suffers a minor earthquake as every contributor to its massive cultural and artistic legacy spins in his or her individual grave. Chris reminds us that Aaron's a businessman, athlete, musician, pilot, and restaurateur. In other words, he's unfocused. Aaron's parents agree to be interviewed to tell us how great he is some more. Ew. Why can't his parents be embarrassed about this like normal people? Dad tells us that Aaron gets the most out of life because he "squeezes every moment" blah blah blah bullshit. Mom brags that Aaron sets goals and meets them. Wow, what a catch. She's really proud of having instilled this quality in her son. I'm setting a goal of rolling my eyes at least twenty times during this episode. Let's see if I meet it. I'm already up to four.

Oh, this is my favorite part. Chris narrates that Aaron was always "a jock" (we see photos of him in soccer gear from high school), but he didn't want to be known as just a jock, so he also became a "classical pianist" and a "scholar." At what point did he transform from "someone who knows how to play the piano" to "classical pianist"? I think I'm going to go around calling myself a "Pulitzer Prize-winning writer." And I think it's telling that we never don't actually hear him play the piano; there's always narration over clips of it. As for proof that Aaron's a "scholar," they explain that he got a bachelor's in engineering from University of Missouri and his MBA from Clemson while he was living in Italy. Bwah ha ha! Clemson. I shouldn't make fun; my alma mater is no better. But there's a reason I don't go around letting people call me a "scholar." Clemson. Heh. And if I wanted to learn about successful business practices, I'd certainly turn to Italy, wouldn't you? More blather about him coming back home to get handed a job as a veep by his daddy and how he's been working on his career and hasn't had time to have relationships. But he has time to film a television show for weeks. Tool. He just wants somebody else to do all the work of finding all the desperate girls for him. Tool. Chris narrates further that Aaron recently underwent "life-saving surgery" for a ruptured spleen and now he's all carpe diem. Aaron's mother insists that he had "one foot in the grave" and it caused him to reprioritize his life. I feel sort of bad for not entirely believing that Aaron's life was in danger, but it's the show's own fault for exaggerating everything. It's the show who cried, "Love!" Aaron says that he has a big heart and a lot of love to give.

Hey, queasy fast-forwarded through the commercials for me. Thanks, queasy. We return to see all the bachelorettes arriving individually in their own limos. I have a hard time believing that this show rented twenty-five limos, leaving me to imagine all the women standing around together at the front gate while three cars shuttle them in one by one. First up is a blonde named Gwen, thirty-one, an executive recruiter. She's sick of dating, so of course she went on a show about it. And if the posts on my boards are accurate, this isn't even her first dating show. is Erin, twenty-four, an interior designer, and also blonde. She's ready to get married. She even told her friends. Most of the time, we don't even hear what Aaron said to these ladies: they come up, shake his hand, and we get a brief pre-filmed interview. Probably the same one as last week. is Frances, thirty, a strategic planning analyst, who isn't sure why she hasn't found the right guy yet. I'm sure I could hazard several guesses, starting with her fake job title. Frances is Asian-American. I feel weird pointing out ethnicities, but it's the best way for me to emphasize the dominant blondness of the bachelorettes. She says she's "looking for love." That's a different show, Frances.

is Helene, twenty-seven, a "school psychologist." She's one of the few non-blondes. She was previously engaged, but it didn't work out. She compliments Aaron's eyes; he compliments her smile. is Brooke, a twenty-two-year-old blonde college student from Alabama who is certainly not lacking in the chestal region. Brooke is looking for a guy who gives her butterflies when they kiss. Not literal butterflies. Though I think she'd probably like that, too. After she meets Aaron and walks into the Malibu Dream House, Brooke fans herself to indicate the level of hotness she thinks the bachelor possesses. up is Angela, a blonde, twenty-seven-year-old registered nurse who insists that she's shy. Really. She does. Obviously she was forced to come on this show by court order or something. is Lori, twenty-six, an African-American former NBA cheerleader. She's pretty confident that Aaron will like her because of her smile. And the fact that she's a cheerleader. And she's wearing a dress that shows off her boobies.

Speaking of boobies, Kyla, twenty-two, has got an impressive set of her own. But keep your hands off this blonde airline supervisor. She's a Mormon virgin who doesn't believe in premarital sex. She's doomed. Aaron might keep her around for a few cuts to make himself look good, but she's a goner. is Christi, blonde, twenty-three, assistant financial advisor and former Miss Idaho. She compares the pageant with the show. Yes, it's all a desperate ploy to get people to love you and to be on television. The shape of Christi's nipples is visible through her dress. up is Hayley, twenty-eight, a brunette retail manager. All of her other friends have gotten married. That's why she's on the show. That's rather sad.

All this hard work of smiling and saying hello must be trying, because Chris comes up to check on Aaron and to make sure he's doing okay. Aaron is psyched, of course. Back to the ladies. Dana, twenty-four, a brunette, is in radio sales. She believes in love in first sight. I roll my eyes. is Heather, twenty-four, blonde, a massage therapy trainee. Oh, I think she's going to go over well. She whines that she's been dating a lot, but hasn't met a guy who has "made her toes tingle" yet. Maybe she should be looking for an acupuncturist? is Anindita, twenty-seven, an attorney of Indian or Middle Eastern descent. I'm being vague so as not to be rude, because I don't really know. She explains that her parents had an arranged marriage, and that the whole concept of arranged marriages "lends credibility" to this show. Assuming, you know, that the average American thinks that arranged marriages are credible to begin with, which I doubt. So, you know, whatever helps you sleep at night. is Suzanne, thirty-three, a flight attendant with frazzled brown hair that has streaks of blonde in it. She's also wearing a choker with a giant red orchid sticking out of the front. Ugly. She says she doesn't want the white picket fence with the 2.5 kids. She wants adventure. She's toast. is Amber, twenty-six, a psychologist who wants to reassure us she's not a dumb blonde. That's really all she has to say.

is Merrilee, twenty-eight, a first-grade teacher, who has that brown-blonde hair streak thing. It's an ugly trend that needs to stop now. Merrilee wants somebody who loves her as much as she loves him. Go for the brass ring, there. is Christy, twenty-four, brunette, a radiological technologist who wants to be married by twenty-six and have two kids by thirty. ["Two kids under five in the same house? She's a braver woman than I." -- Wing Chun] Christy's biggest goal in life is to have a happy family. She makes me shudder in horrified fascination. is another beauty-pageant woman. I feel like I'm recapping the American Idol auditions again. Heather, thirty, brunette, a flight attendant, was a Miss Texas pageant contestant. She compares the two contests, but explains that instead of winning a crown, she's winning a man. She rockets past Christy in the "horrified fascination" category. is Suzi, twenty-eight, a communications specialist with flippy brown-blonde hair. Suzi's mom told her that she didn't have big enough bosoms to be on the show. I'm not making that up. That's what Suzi has to say to us. is Liangy, thirty, brunette, a paralegal, who is willing to make a commitment to "someone" to be a wife and lover. Somebody? Anybody? Love me! Love me! is Camille, twenty-nine, an "actress" with those damnable hair streaks. She whines that all the guys she meets ask her if she's into threesomes with other women. Maybe she should stop going out with the guys on Elimidate. is another Erin, twenty-five, brunette, who claims to do "publications quality control" for a living. In other words, she's a copy editor. She the first contestant to actually get on my good side by saying that she doesn't believe in love at first sight. Yay! She says it's actually lust, but love can grow with time. She's probably doomed. We'll see.

We head back to the land of the blondes with Cari, twenty-nine, a third-grade teacher. She whines that everybody she went to high school with is married and now she's lonely. I find her rather pathetic. Of course I hardly ever even date at all, so I guess I must just be one of those loner types. is Fatima, twenty-two, a college student. I want to say that she's Latina, but I can't quite be sure. Let's just say she's not white and not blonde. She says that people think she's a big party girl, but are surprised to find out that she goes to church on Sunday. Why is that such a big surprise? is Shannon, 26, a brunette graphic artist with blonde highlights. She's gotten some curls since her initial interviews. She really, really, really wants that dream wedding. That's all she cares about. Big. Wedding.

That brings us to the end of the twenty-five contestants. I've forgotten which one is which already. Chris asks Aaron what he thinks. Aaron says he's speechless. And probably horny. And he'll get the chance to interact with the contestants, after this commercial break.

We return to Aaron and Chris at the entrance to the Malibu Dream House. Is Aaron still ready? Yes, he's ready. Well, in he goes. Chris wishes him good luck, like Aaron is striding into a lion's den. Except lions tend to exude an aura of menace, not desperate neediness.

And he's in! The women are all gathered in the living room, chatting away. A group of clever women have gathered just inside the entrance of the room, making sure they're the first that Aaron talks to. He remembers Frances's name. She's impressed. Of course, she's not blonde, so it's easier to recall which one she is. Frances and Aaron chat. One of the blondes (does it matter which one?) asks whether Aaron played any football in school. A little bit. He was a tight end. The blonde says that's her favorite. Mine too. Like either of us knows what a tight end actually is, other than a double entendre. I'm pretty sure they never get any glory, so Blonde is just full of crap.

More schmoozing. Aaron asks a group of girls what was the "craziest" thing they've ever done. I've watched enough dating reality shows to know that this is code for "Have you ever made out with another girl? And if so, do you have any pictures?" Camille's going to be very disappointed. In interviews, various women tell us all how hot and charming Aaron is. In an interview, Aaron worries about making a good impression. He could probably crap his pants and throw up on the living-room floor, and most of these women would still pretend to want him if it meant being on camera for just a little longer. More schmoozing. Aaron confuses Kyla with Suzi. See, it's not just us. After he leaves, Kyla worries that this is a bad sign. More schmoozing. A toast. Suzi (for real this time) says that she feels sorry for Aaron because of all these women clamoring for his attention. Yeah, I'm sure he's going to be crying himself to sleep tonight. What about me? Who's going to feel sorry for me?

More schmoozing. Aaron tells the camera that this is much harder than he thought it would be, and that tonight's decision is going to be the toughest he has ever made. That line goes in the drinking game, because you know he's going to be saying that every single elimination. More schmoozing. Heather connects with Aaron over the fact that he's a pilot and she's a flight attendant. Camille praises Aaron for being a little nervous. She was afraid he was going to be some suave slimeball. Liangy tells Aaron about all her travels and how he should feel "privileged" over the fact that she came directly from a trip to be on the show. She's a goner. More schmoozing. Does Aaron believe in love at first sight? Yes. Has it happened tonight? Yes. Ooh. Aaron's comment about Alex leading women on earlier starts sharpening its incisors. Frances asks Aaron whether he learned Italian during his trip. He says he dated an Italian woman and "had the motivation," but doesn't say anything in Italian, so no, he didn't. He was there for a year and didn't bother to learn any Italian. Anindita tells this long-winded story about watching some cows in Amsterdam that went into a lust panic when a bull rode by in a truck or something. As pick-up lines go, it certainly gets marks for creativity.

More schmoozing. Suzanne compliments Christi on her Miss Idaho crown, but then cattily observes that perhaps there aren't many women in Idaho. Brunette Erin observes that some of the women don't seem interested in socializing with each other because they have "a certain agenda they're working on. To socialize with us would interfere with that." What the hell is with the coded speak? They're trying to catch themselves an Aaron. It's not like this is some show with secret alliances and stuff. Everybody wants Aaron. It's that simple. Everybody's agenda is the same. Their techniques may vary, but still. Brunette Erin points out that Liangy "isolated herself" from the other women on more than one occasion. Ooh! Drama. Yawn. One of the blondes pathetically asks Aaron whether he has any idea whom he's going to pick yet. He gives a non-answer. More schmoozing. Aaron sits at a table full of blondes. Gwen asks him what he does for fun. Boating. Flying. Aaron's been skydiving. Gwen would love to try it. Suzi -- who seems to replacing Chris as the show's narrator -- explains that Aaron was "all over" Gwen, and that when the other blondes at the table talked to him, he didn't pay so much attention. Liangy agrees, which is rather observant of somebody who has allegedly isolated herself. After Aaron leaves, Gwen worries that she talked too much, but the other women at the table all reassure her that Aaron just loved her.

Now it's time for Aaron's concert for the ladies. We actually get to hear him play the piano this time. He's blah. He doesn't have very good command of the tempo. When the music gets complicated, he slows down. When the music gets simple, he speeds up. It's intermediate-level-recital good. He plays some classical music that is commonly used by your local news broadcasts on the commercials where they explain how much they care about you. He stares at the pages of music with such concentration that it looks like he's trying to do calculus and play at the same time. All the women love it. A dozen women explain in interviews how much they're smitten because Aaron can play the piano. Though a couple of them -- Fatima, particularly -- look terribly bored while he's playing. After he's done, all the women cheer.