“ Brunette Heather: 'In God's eyes, I think I'm perfect.' See, she's good enough for God. Who is Aaron to judge? Clearly, if he doesn't give her a rose, he's going straight to Hell. And I thought we were all sinners in God's eyes? Oh wait, we're both perfect and sinners in God's eyes. I can't imagine how religion has led to so many wars. ”
Previously: Christi loved Aaron. Even though she barely knows him, she is "so feeling him," and they're going to be together forever and ever and have lots of babies and live in a Thomas Kinkade painting. Anindita and Frances chose themselves and ran away.
We open with the same -week teaser we saw at the end of last week's episode. Tonight, the ten women will be pared down to six, with the help of a couple of Aaron's friends. Christi insists she's not crazy, which is exactly something a crazy person would say. See, I read Catch-22. Brooke cries some more. Christi cries some more. Chris lies that we'll have the "most dramatic invitation night yet." Lies. Aaron reminds us all how hard these decisions are. There isn't a violin tiny enough to play the appropriate sad song for Aaron's predicament.
A limo pulls up in front of the Malibu Dream House, and Chris opens the door to greet Melissa and Ryan. Melissa and Ryan are friends of Aaron's who have been dragged out here to participate in this huge farce. They're brother and sister. Melissa looks just like any of the other blondes. For a moment, I thought they might have dragged one of the first-round rejectees back, but no. Ryan looks like a cross between Carson Daly and Michael McDonald from Mad TV. They both seem completely harmless and thoroughly uninvolved in this oh-so-important decision. Chris brings them into the house and introduces them to the bachelorettes. Melissa and Ryan will be hanging around the Malibu Dream House for the couple of days. During that time, Aaron will go on one-on-one dates with two of the women. The remaining women will be split up for two group dates. How will they decide who gets the individual dates? Aaron will tell Melissa and Ryan which two he wants to go out with, and they'll choose them. Oh wait, that's what probably really happened. What they actually tell us is going to happen is that Melissa and Ryan will interview all the women and ask them a bunch of questions that they allegedly came up with. They'll pick the two that they think are most compatible with Aaron, and those two women will get the individual dates.
Montage of the interviews out by the pool. What is one thing that you would change about yourself? Bleah, what a crappy job-interview question. That's one of those questions you're supposed to turn around somehow so that you show off an admirable quality, like, "I'm just a terrible workaholic. Always on the job. I don't remember the last time I took a vacation." Gwen says that she wishes she weren't so indecisive. That does seem to be a trait of people with large foreheads, if Dawson Leery and Sydney Bristow are any indication. Christi says that she's "a pretty emotional person. But not in a bad way." Ha! Thirty seconds and Christi has already made a fool of herself. See, she didn't actually stab Suzanne to death with a corkscrew out at Napa Valley, so she wasn't emotional in a "bad way." Brunette Heather says, "In God's eyes, I think I'm perfect." See, she's good enough for God. Who is Aaron to judge? Clearly, if he doesn't give her a rose, he's going straight to Hell. And I thought we were all sinners in God's eyes? Oh wait, we're both perfect and sinners in God's eyes. I can't imagine how religion has led to so many wars. Shannon can't remember the name of her favorite movie. Hayley says The Parent Trap. Blonde Heather says Hope Floats. How important is sex in a relationship? Brunette Heather sees it as "making love." Whatever. They haven't asked her anything that has caused her to have to swerve from her stockpile of beauty-pageant answers. Brooke makes some comparison to test-driving a car, but we don't actually get a real answer. I think that means that she likes sex. Kyla is a virgin. She tells them so. She's a virgin! And don't you forget it! She says she's the wrong person to ask about sex. Well, if she feels the need to mention at every available opportunity that she's a virgin, then she clearly has opinions about where sex fits into a relationship. Melissa laughs when she reads a question about whether the women would prefer "candlelight or candle wax." I don't think they even saw these questions in advance. A producer probably handed them to the siblings and told them just to read them off. The women are embarrassed at the question. Angela picks wax. Helene picks candlelight. Hayley picks both.
So based on those incredibly probing questions, Ryan and Melissa were able to decide who gets the first date. A Martha Stewart gift box arrives, and the girls open it up to find a bunch of junk and a card with Helene's name on it. In an interview, Ryan tells the camera that they picked Helene because she presents "a bit of a challenge," which keeps Aaron "more interested." I don't believe for a minute that they were able to determine that from the questions we heard. I'm sure the two of them were filled in on Aaron's interactions with the bachelorettes. Helene reads the card out loud; she's invited to a concert, but is told to "come as [she is]." The other women all pretend to be happy, except Christi, of course. In an interview, Aaron repeats that Helene is "a challenge," but that he loves her "natural beauty." Can I just express my complete and utter revulsion in these guys treating Helene like she's a mountain that needs to be conquered? Her independence is "a challenge"? I don't know -- maybe I'm reading too much into it. I would certainly want a partner who "challenges" me as well. But something about Aaron's attitude suggests to me that he thinks that Helene is like some wild stallion that needs to be tamed. She's not even all that outspoken or anything. She just refuses to throw herself at Aaron. It's like The Taming of the Shrew, but without the shrew.
Aaron picks Helene up in his red convertible coupe. I'm sure that car is a product-placed rental to the show. Aaron tells us all that he's looking forward to the date. You know, if you don't have anything new to say, you don't actually have to talk. Their first stop is at some shop called Nicole Miller to pick out an outfit for Helene for the date. ["Aw, Shack! Nicole Miller is a big-time schmancy designer." -- Wing Chun] There's something creepy about this whole part, and it's not just the Pretty Woman vibe. I guess I find the whole deal of Aaron commenting on all of Helene's choices rather overly familiar for their first private date together. Where was Helene when Aaron was picking out his clothes? Why is she the one who has to stand there and listen to a critique of her fashion choices? They closed down the whole shop so that these two can traipse around for as long as they please. ABC used that money that they had set aside for quality programming to pay for the shop's lost sales, I would bet. Helene looks at stuff. She pretends to care. I find it amusing that Aaron loved the fact that Helene wasn't high-maintenance last episode, yet here he is, dragging her all over the place, trying to get her all prettied up. Aaron swoons over a red dress, claiming that "red is [his] weakness." But what he really loves is a pair of black and silver stretch pants that show off Helene's pert behind like nobody's business. They are really not very classy. It looks like something a hooker would wear to a court appearance in the hopes that it made her look less trashy than the miniskirt and fishnet stockings she normally wears. Aaron's very proud of himself for having picked them out. Helene is uncomfortable. She makes a comment about walking with her hands behind her back so that she can cover her ass. Clearly she doesn't like these pants, but Aaron is a total clod and doesn't pick up on that. He's too busy staring at Helene's sweet, sweet can. Helene even tells Aaron outright that she doesn't want to wear the pants, but he keeps on pushing her. What a jackass. But, after trying on some more dresses, Helene decides to go ahead and wear the pants, along with a black tube top. Classy. At least the top is large enough that she isn't baring her torso. In an interview, Aaron declares that by picking this outfit, Helene was showing her more "outgoing" side. Any compassion I had for Aaron (which couldn't fill a thimble as it was) is gone with that remark. He's a tool. And Helene has nobody to blame for humoring him, either.
Love Means Never Having To Say You're Crazy
“ Brunette Heather asks Ryan how many women contestants he thinks have boob jobs. Ryan says two-and-a-half. The women laugh. He says he's not sure about one of them. I was sort of hoping that he'd tell them that one of the absent bachelorettes said she had to get a mastectomy because of breast cancer and had to get a reconstructive implant. That would shut them up. ”
Before the commercials, we get a teaser for what's coming up. Chris says, "Who will get the second one-on-one date?" We see Brooke lying on a beach to Aaron. "Who will get left out?" We see Christi on a carousel, looking sad. Gee, ruin it for us, why don't you?
Commercials. When we return, the Martha Stewart gift box has arrived. It's the first group date, and Kyla, Gwen, and Hayley have been chosen to participate. They're going to spend the day at the beach. How bleah. Aaron says that Melissa and Ryan did an "awesome" job matching the women to the dates. I don't think that bodes well for Kyla's, Gwen's, or Hayley's chances. Hayley tells the camera that when she goes on a date to the beach, she normally doesn't bring "[her] two hottest friends and their boobs." Do I need to tell you that whenever boobs are mentioned, we get close-up shots of boobies? Of course. Hayley worries that Aaron won't like her because she doesn't have big breasts. Well, if his date with Helene is an indication, Aaron's more of ass man. I have noticed that he doesn't seem to be staring at the chests very much.
Back at the Malibu Dream House, Brunette Heather gets her cattiness going in the kitchen and asks Ryan how many women contestants he thinks have boob jobs. Ryan says two-and-a-half. The women are confused and laugh at his response. He explains that he's not sure about one of them. I was sort of hoping that he'd tell them that one of the absent bachelorettes said she had to get a mastectomy because of breast cancer and had to get a reconstructive implant. That would shut them up. Anyway, everybody believes that Kyla has implants. Can Mormons do that? Why am I asking? There's always a huge gap between how members of religions are supposed to behave and what they actually do. I'm not even going to try to figure out why a woman who is so proud of her virginity would feel the need to enhance her breasts. Gwen is the other suspect. One of the women insists that Gwen has had "lifts." What the hell are those? Never mind. I don't want to know. ["In case any readers do, that probably means she had surgery to make her existing boobs higher and perkier." -- Wing Chun] Ryan says that Gwen was the "half." Interestingly, nobody seems to realize that this means that there's one other person that Ryan thinks has implants, which means she's probably in the kitchen with him.
Back at the beach, Aaron and the others all surf. Actually, they most assuredly do not surf. They have surfboards and wetsuits, but none of them knows how to surf at all. Essentially, they've got portable diving boards. As the sun goes down, Aaron gives the women a group hug and thanks them for helping him "abuse the waves." My eyes roll. Gwen observes in an interview that they got the "nonromantic date." You go to your beach with your friends and family. But what about when people put in their personals that they like "long walks on the beach"? Is that just a line? Are you saying that they don't mean it? I'm scandalized. Gwen worries that Aaron thinks of her as a "buddy."
“ Heather was indeed bitchy there, but she still didn't reveal Brooke's secret about her jailbird dad, so I guess she has some sort of limits. Whereas Christi would have hired a skywriter to spell it out if she had known. ”
Back at the Malibu Dream House, the third Martha Stewart gift box has arrived. The women open it up to discover that it's the invitations for the second group date. Brunette Heather reads the group date list -- Angela, Shannon, both Heathers, and Christi. Heather takes great pleasure in announcing Christi's name as a fellow group-dater, but nobody really pays attention to that because they've just determined that this means Brooke gets the second solo date. The women all coo over Brooke as if she had just showed them her engagement ring. Melissa explains in an interview that she and Ryan both think Brooke would be the perfect match for Aaron.
For the second group date, Aaron is taking these five women to Disney's California Adventure. Hey, what a coincidence! Disney also owns ABC. Isn't that just their good fortune? Aaron explains that they cleared out the park so that he and the women could have it all to themselves. I amuse myself by imagining that Disney did no such thing -- there's just nobody else there. I've read in a number of places that the park is not performing well. An amusement park with a theme about California, located in California. Wherever did things go wrong? I guess there are indeed limits to that stereotypical level of self-absorption among SoCal residents. ["As an aside: Glark and I were working at an L.A.-based web developer when they got the contract to redesign the Disneyland site. This was back in 1997, when they were just starting construction on Disney's California Adventure. Glark and I thought it was a really stupid idea -- like, why would you come from another part of the country to visit Disney's counterfeit Yosemite when you could just go to...you know, actual Yosemite? But no one listened to us; in fact, whenever we had any objection to any part of the Disneyland website project, we were accused of not 'getting' the whole Disney aesthetic because we are Canadian." -- Wing Chun] Aaron and the women load onto what appears to be a steel looping roller coaster with a powered launch system. Did I mention I've been playing Roller Coaster Tycoon II?
Later, Brunette Heather puts on that second face she's been keeping in her purse in the event she gets some alone time with Aaron. On the Ferris wheel, she talks smack about Brooke, explaining to Aaron that she's still really young and likes to "party, party, party." Yeah, that's going to turn Aaron against her. Not only does Brooke have big boobies and is totally submissive, she can also do kegstands with him at the frat reunion. Aaron would never want a woman like that. In an interview, Aaron observes that Brunette Heather was the only woman who had anything bad to say about Brooke. Aaron thinks that the "vindictive" nature of the women is starting to show. Like Aaron isn't feeding it by getting the women to talk about each other in the first place. Also, Heather was indeed bitchy there, but she still didn't reveal Brooke's secret about her jailbird dad, so I guess she has some sort of limits. Whereas Christi would have hired a skywriter to spell it out if she had known.
“ Aaron straddles a pink sperm whale. Hee hee hee. There's the pink and the sperm and it's between his legs and I am so going to get detention if I don't stop giggling. ”
Everyone heads over to the midway to play skee-ball. Aaron says that he needs to find a way to make it competitive. Okay, dork, if you're going to make it a competition to spend time with you, then you can't complain that the women are behaving like they're in competition with each other. Because they are. The woman with the highest score gets to ride on the carousel with Aaron. Everybody plays. Christi wins. In an interview, Aaron explains that Christi won (we just saw that, you idiot), but adds that he wasn't sure that he wanted to spend more time alone with her. On the midway, he spontaneously decides to make it best two out of three. Bwah hah hah! I think that's the first actual "burn" by Aaron directed toward one of the women on the show. In an interview, Crazy Clueless Christi says she thought it was "kind of weird" that Aaron would change the rules like that. But apparently Christi has played skee-ball a lot. It's probably part of her duties given all the county fairs she's had to attend as Miss Idaho. So she wins again. Hee. It's moments like this that make reality shows worthwhile.
Aaron and Christi head over to the carousel alone. Aaron looks like he's wearing the same outfit he wore on Helene's date, except with a leather jacket -- all black. They make small talk. Aaron tries to pretend he's not uncomfortable. He tells the camera that Christi had this Fatal Attraction thing going and was sure she was in love with him already. Well, I suppose I should give Aaron points both for being observant and for thinking that her behavior is ridiculous. This carousel has fish instead of horses. I expect it's tied to The Little Mermaid somehow. Christi sits on some blue and red fish while Aaron straddles a pink sperm whale. Hee hee hee. I can't even settle on a joke for that one. There's the pink and the sperm and it's between his legs and I am so going to get detention if I don't stop giggling.
So of course, Christi's near breakdown in Napa Valley last episode becomes the focus of conversation. If she were smart, she'd just pass it off as being drunk. I mean, she had a ready excuse right there. And then just start talking about something else. But, no, Christi also bears the title of the Miss Idaho Drama Queen and has to explain that Anindita was saying that Christi's mean and trying to cause conflict. But she wasn't. She's fun! She's the fun girl! Wasn't it fun to see her roll her eyes every time Suzanne opened her mouth? Isn't it fun when she flings herself at you like a twelve-year-old girl meeting Justin Timberlake backstage? Christi insists that she wants people to be comfortable around her and enjoy being around her, and she just couldn't deal with the fact that Anindita didn't like her. So having an insane crying fit is going to fix the problem? Suddenly, three other people were uncomfortable around her, too. Why am I dissecting Christi's logic? She's loopy. She's needy. End of story. Aaron nods politely at Christi's whole explanation with a tight-lipped smile, but doesn't say anything soothing to her at all. Heh. In an interview, Christi asks, "What happened? What did I say? What did I do? I have no idea." Oh, Christi. Has there ever been a more clueless person in the history of reality television? She points out that Aaron kissed her on the date. Of course, Aaron told us that he kissed her to shut her up, so if you see something dangling off Aaron's ass, it's that comment he made back in the second episode, criticizing Alex for leading women on during the first season. She points out that they held hands and flirted with each other. But there's none of that tonight. Yes, Christi, all that hand-holding and flirting took place before your mini-breakdown. And even before then, it was mostly you all up in Aaron's business and him being polite about it. Christi keeps trying to explain herself to Aaron, who sits on his pink sperm whale (hee!), wishing Christi would transform herself into Ariel. The mute version. In an interview, Christi says she wishes that she could go back in time to a month ago, "and have neither or [them] picked to be on the show, and run into him in the airport. Because if [she] met Aaron right on the street, the two of [them] would be together right now." Wow. There isn't even a crack in that speech that would let a bit of reality shine through. See, it's the show. It's not Christi. It's the show. Anindita and Suzanne are the only people on earth who would ever be mean to her. Aaron wouldn't have to worry about Christi freaking out anywhere but on the show. I'm guessing that Aaron wishes he could go back in time, too, and undo giving Christi's crazy ass a rose in the first place.
The evening ends with the Main Street Electrical Parade. How pissed would you be if you had to dress up in that heavy dwarf costume just to entertain six people? No wonder those guys were unionizing. Aaron tells the camera that out of the women on that date, there were four he was really interested in. Christi wonders to herself who the other three were.