Bachelor TV Show - Season 20, Episode 3 - Bachelor Recaps, Bachelor Reviews, Bachelor Episodes | TWoP

Recapped by Daniel · Aired 2012-01-16

Ben Flanimal and the brain-dead bachelorettes are descending on San Francisco, which is the kind of thing the Centers for Disease Control should probably issue a warning about. Nicki says that she thinks the only way to see San Francisco is with Ben, which is one of the most depressing things I've ever heard on this show.

Apparently, it's even more special than Sonoma was special, because this is where Ben lives instead of where he's from. He wants the women to see San Francisco because one of them could be living here, in the time-honored Bachelor tradition of assuming that the little woman will move to wherever the man lives, instead of vice-versa.

Ben introduces us to his sister, Julia, and I'm not sure they're actually related because she appears to know how to use a hairbrush. They have the most boringest conversation in the entire world, as Ben tells his sister about the women he's met so far. I will note, however, that Ben refers to the woman working for her doctorate in epidemiology as a "science nerd." Then Ben and his sister agree that it has been quite a journey, whatever that's supposed to mean.

Chris Harrison shows up to the bachelorettes' hotel (where Courtney seems confused by how a telescope works) mainly to help them count up to sixteen, which is how many of them are left. He leaves behind a date card, and it's for the science nerd: "Love lifts us up: Ben." Someone suggests that means skydiving, but she doesn't want that, because she's scared of heights. Again, in time-honored Bachelor tradition, this show is going to exploit someone's deepest fear for a date. At this point, why haven't the competitors learned to say things like, "I have a fear of expensive restaurants"? Courtney displays a little insecurity about how well-educated some of the women here are, which she tries to assuage by saying that "book-smart" can be a little boring. Not nearly as boring as "total-stupid", Courtney.

Ben and Emily greet each for their date by slowly running together. They look like people who were in a car crash and had to do extensive rehab to regain the use of their legs. Anyway, the date involves climbing to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, which sounds utterly amazing. Ben says he doesn't know how Emily does with heights, so I guess it's a BIG COINCIDENCE that he picked her for a date that involves heights.

Anyway, this show is doing its best to make us think that Ben and/or Emily could actually die doing this, despite the presence of several CalTrans employees and enough harnesses and carabineers to scale Everest. Emily says she had a panic attack, and Ben says, "Talk to me, Goose," and I'd like to point out that Goose DIED in Top Gun, not to mention how awkward things are going to be when Emily has to ask Ben why he keeps rewatching the volleyball scene over and over again.

By Daniel

Ugh, even for this show, this is awful. Ben helps Emily up the bridge the only way he can think of: with a kiss. The music crescendos and the two pinheads make it to the top of the bridge and we're forced to listen to them congratulate themselves about how there's nothing they can't do together.

At dinner, Ben and Emily talk about his proposal to Ashley, which is painful for everyone, and then Emily talks about trying online dating, and how she got matched up with her brother, but she never explains whether she got lucky with him.

Anyway, back at the hotel, the group date card has arrived, and I think some of the women going on the date have actually been added to the show since the last episode. And the date has something to do with a "leap list" which I refuse to believe is an actual thing, especially when someone explains that it's a list of things that you want to do before your big milestone like getting married or whatever. So it's like a bucket list, only stupider?

Back at dinner, Emily explains that she wants the rose because that's the way she moves forward in her relationship with Ben. I guess we can safely say she doesn't have a fear of the obvious. Ben talks about how his father married his mother because he thought she was smarter than he was, and he wants to live up to his father, and I hate to tell Ben that from what I've seen, that's a pretty broad dating pool for him.

And then Emily gets the rose and fireworks go off, and Ben says it's a private fireworks show for them, which demonstrates a tenuous grasp on how fireworks work. Case in point: all the women back at the hotel can see them, and they react the way the Wicked Witch of the East reacts when she gets water thrown on her. What a world, what a world!

For the group date, Ben and the women load up in some product-placed cars with some skis. They're going "snow skiing," says Ben, which is what humans call "skiing."

So what's happened is this show shuts down an entire hill in San Francisco with fake snow. Because it's warm in San Francisco, the women strip down to their bikinis. Even though I presume the snow is cold. There are plenty of ass shots of the women doing their best to remain upright, because lord knows the Bachelor doesn't want you to wind up on your back. At one point Kacie B. gets turned around and heads for the bottom of the hill ass-first. "Butt-skiing backwards is on my leap list," says Ben. Three episodes in this season and everything he says makes me want to punch things.

By Daniel

Another date card: it's for Brittney: "Let's unlock our love with the key to the city: Ben." It comes with a diamond-encrusted key necklace. Lindzi can barely hide her disappointment at not getting a date. Emily cheerily tells Brittney that the two of them will get along. "You're going to have a fun time?" she says. "What if I don't?" asks Brittney, and the music shifts like it's that part early on in the Lifetime movie when the doctor tells the heroine that she has inoperable cancer. She admits to being torn and confiused. Confused? Don't go on the date with him, go home, have a real life.

And then we go to a commercial break and the product-placed car has a "leap list" commercial and things start clicking into place.

Time for the drinks part of the group date! Ben makes out with Rachel. Kacie's feeling a little unsure of their relationship, so she snags him for some alone time, and smartly takes him outside, far away from where Blakely can do her swallowing-him-like-a-boa-constrictor kissing thing she does. Outside, they kiss, magically making Kacie feel better -- maybe better than she should, given she's one of sixteen women.

Back in the hotel, Brittney is talking about how she made a promise to herself that if her heart wasn't in this, she'd just go home. Emily gasps and the two of them cry, and Brittney explains that she's crying because she doesn't know what she's walking away from. She breaks the news to the other women. Amusingly, this show paints the woman doing WHAT ANY SANE PERSON would do as the weird one.

Back at the dinner, Blakely is whining about how all the other women hate her. Ben tells her to try to make friends, which is a fucking stupid thing to say. And then apparently they're making Brittney come to the party so she can tearfully explain how getting the date card was the best feeling in the world, and she feels like she doesn't even deserve a one-on-one date with him, and none of this makes any sense. "This, by far, was the hardest decision of my life," says Brittney, which can only make me feel like Brittney, if that's true, has had an enviably easy life.

By Daniel

Anyway, I'm sure everyone would understand if this show brought some grief counselors in to the party, but Ben bravely soldiers on and winds up giving the rose to -- oh, let's say, Rachel.

So Brittney's replacement is Lindzi, and their date consists of puttering around San Francisco: riding a trolley, going for ice cream, going to Chinatown and then heading to San Francisco City Hall. This is where the key comes in: City Hall is locked, but Ben magically opens it! With a key! Lindzi seems to be under the impression that this would happen even if this weren't a television show. Inside, someone named Matt Nathanson and his band of horn players play some forgettable song while Ben and Lindzi dance and say things like, "I totally know who this singer is!" and pretend to be really psyched that this guy is singing at them.

The place they go is a pretend speakeasy where the password is "horse of course" because of Lindzi and the stupid horse she rode in on. The place is all done up like a 1920s joint only without the polio. Pulling on a special book in a bookcase reveals a secret private dining room, where we hear her talk again about being dumped via text message "Welcome to Dumpsville, Population: You".

Then they go to some sort of piano showroom and Ben teaches her some music, and then they slow dance. And then we cut to a car driving into San Francisco, with the mystery woman they've been teasing at each commercial break leaving a message for Chris Harrison, saying she's on her way and she's really looking forward to seeing him again but even more important, seeing Ben.

After the commercial break, she's now on the phone again, and this time she's talking to Chris Harrison, who asks if she's sure she wants to do this, like THERE'S A CAMERA CREW IN THE GODDAMN CAR WITH HER, WE'RE NOT IDIOTS, and after she gets off the phone, she says, "He's going to totally fall in love with me." I still don't know who this is. Then again, I'm pretty good at forgetting just about everyone who's ever been on this show, so after they reveal her, I probably will still be confused.

It's the cocktail hour. I like this place they're in -- love the circular library. Ben comes in and leads the women in a toast to finding pretend love. Ben sits down for some small talk with Jennifer. Things start well, then get awkward, and then Ben tells her she is hands-down the best kisser in the house. How nice that he said that, and how nice that she believed him! Then they make out, because of course they do. She seems a little gaga.

By Daniel

The mystery woman is still on her way. It's someone who was on the show and fell in love with Brad. See, I've even forgotten who Brad is. Anyway, this person says the only reason she's here is because Ben is everything she's ever wanted. I presume chief among Ben's appealing qualities is that he's on television.

So Chris Harrison greets her at the hotel entrance. I have to say that her grand entrance is diminished somewhat by the fact she schleps out of her car in jeans. It's Shawntel. Her face is familiar. It really isn't only until the on-screen graphic reminds me that she's the funeral director. Harrison welcomes her and says he didn't really think she was going to do it, and again I'd like to point out that THERE WAS A CAMERA IN THE CAR with her, although the more I think about it the more it's likely that those shots were staged after she left.

While Shawntel leaves to get ready to underwhelm everyone at the party, we're forced to listen to Courtney's dead-soul opinion on how stupid and gross and juvenile all the other women there are. Courtney's like that girl in high school who thinks high school guys aren't man enough and so dates the skeevy 23-year-old who drives an IROC and spends his weekends drinking beer in a 7-Eleven parking lot. Which is cool, if that's your thing, I guess. The upshot is Courtney is awful. She accuses Lindzi of "making faces" at other women. "Why is she so weird?" asks Emily, who tells us she thinks Courtney has some kind of personality disorder. You have to have a personality before you can have a personality disorder.

Anyway, Ben takes Courtney aside and leads her through another (!) secret bookcase and says something about JFK taking Marilyn Monroe here, like what a wonderful statement on the importance of marriage, and then they have a Grade 7 conversation about how much they like each other, and Courtney thinks they'll make cute babies some day. Then they start making out. "He's feeling what I'm feeling. We've been thinking about each other, and that feels awesome," she says. Hey, tell us again how juvenile the other women are, Courtney!

Shawntel is still getting ready, and talking about how the other women are going to hate her, but she's willing to take that risk because of true love or whatever the hell. So she sashays through the cocktail party, leaving a trail of "Who's that girl?" in her wake. Ben is talking to -- actually, I can't remember what this one's name is -- when Shawntel strolls up. "Holy [bleep]," he says.

By Daniel

Back from commercial, we get a repeat of the "Who's that girl?" ridiculousness. "This bitch walks in, shovels her way into a crowd. I was like, 'Who are you? We are not friends. Scram, bitch,'" says Jaclyn. Uh, wow, Shawntel's loss, number one, and number two, it sounds much less tough when we could see that you didn't actually say that.

She pulls Ben away from -- Elyse! That's who it was! -- and explains that she wanted to get to know him better, and she wants to be at the rose ceremony. "I think you have similar feelings too, I hope," she says. I guess they've spoken before? Ben's speechless, which is nice.

He brings Shawntel into the house to introduce her to the other women. "I trust that these women can handle themselves," says Ben. Sounds like Shawntel's going to be found floating facedown in the pool by the end of the night.

Ben leaves her alone to field questions like, "Why are you here?" She says she's here to date Ben. "That's not a good thing," says one of the women, and Shawntel tries to foster some kinship by saying they all came on the show because Ben's here, right? I keep expecting the other women to start throwing wine glasses at her.

"You don't even KNOW Ben! You were on BRAD'S season!" yells Elyse, like a four-year-old. Elyse knows that the people on the magic box in her living room don't live inside the television, right?

Courtney, Rachel and Elyse convene a war crimes tribunal in a separate room, using the word "unfair" a lot. Rachel hilariously seems to be offended on some level by Shawntel's job. Courtney, crying, says if Ben gives her a rose, she won't accept her own. Erika talks about how Shawntel is uglier in person. Someone calls her "Brad's dumpster trash." Nicki talks about Shawntel riding in here on her "high hearse, no pun intended," even though it a) wasn't a pun, which is too bad because b) you actually did intend to make a pun. And then she starts crying. It's always fun when the women realize that this show feels the same way that farmers feel about the cattle at an auction. Emily, at the very least, points out that Shawntel does seem to have some chemistry with Ben. Kacie B. (who I think I've decided is my favorite) also seems less ready to commit homicide.

So let's get on with it. "These girls hate me. But I don't really care," Shawntel tells us. She says she thinks she's getting a rose. Of course you know that whatever happens, Shawntel will either get the final rose of the evening or none at all.

She pulls Ben away from — Elyse! That’s who it was! — and explains that she wanted to get to know him better, and she wants to be at the rose ceremony. “I think you have similar feelings too, I hope,” she says. I guess they’ve spoken before? Ben’s speechless, which is nice.

He brings Shawntel into the house to introduce her to the other women. “I trust that these women can handle themselves,” says Ben. Sounds like Shawntel’s going to be found floating facedown in the pool by the end of the night.

Ben leaves her alone to field questions like, “Why are you here?” She says she’s here to date Ben. “That’s not a good thing,” says one of the women, and Shawntel tries to foster some kinship by saying they all came on the show because Ben’s here, right? I keep expecting the other women to start throwing wine glasses at her.

“You don’t even KNOW Ben! You were on BRAD’S season!” yells Elyse, like a four-year-old. Elyse knows that the people on the magic box in her living room don’t live inside the television, right?

Courtney, Rachel and Elyse convene a war crimes tribunal in a separate room, using the word “unfair” a lot. Rachel hilariously seems to be offended on some level by Shawntel’s job. Courtney, crying, says if Ben gives her a rose, she won’t accept her own. Erika talks about how Shawntel is uglier in person. Someone calls her “Brad’s dumpster trash.” Nicki talks about Shawntel riding in here on her “high hearse, no pun intended,” even though it a) wasn’t a pun, which is too bad because b) you actually did intend to make a pun. And then she starts crying. It’s always fun when the women realize that this show feels the same way that farmers feel about the cattle at an auction. Emily, at the very least, points out that Shawntel does seem to have some chemistry with Ben. Kacie B. (who I think I’ve decided is my favorite) also seems less ready to commit homicide.

So let’s get on with it. “These girls hate me. But I don’t really care,” Shawntel tells us. She says she thinks she’s getting a rose. Of course you know that whatever happens, Shawntel will either get the final rose of the evening or none at all.

Let’s start: Courtney. She hesitates when he offers it to her. “I will, but tonight was a lot, and I just want you to know that,” she says. Well, that’s almost a complete sentence. “‘A lot’?” asks Ben. Courtney’s shaking like she’s kicking heroin tonight. She’s pissed because Ben was talking to “what’s-her-butt” as opposed to any of the other fifteen what’s-their-butts. : Kacie B. Hooray! Elyse. Ugh. Jamie. There’s a Jamie? Jennifer. Casey S. I love the ineffectual threats the women are making. “If Ben chooses Shawntel over me, it won’t be pretty,” says Jaclyn. Blakeley’s . Nicki’s tells us it’s not OK if people go home tonight and Shawntel stays. At best, she’s only taking one spot. The upside is maybe Ben’s got a thing for women who can’t hold their shit together! Monica gets a rose. Shawntel’s looking more and more concerned, even though she’s been through this enough times to know that they always try to wring as much drama as possible out of the final rose. Nicki gets a rose. Fortunately she’s not crying. Samantha gets a rose, and now we’re down to the last one, up for grabs. “I think I’m getting dumped by a girl that he’s known for three minutes,” whines Jaclyn, even before the rose is handed out. “I’m nauseous,” says Erika.

“Before I do anything, I’d just like to say a few things,” says Ben. Erika swears, and then before Ben can say anything, Erika collapses. “Poor Erika couldn’t stand. We weren’t sure what was wrong,” Blakeley tells us. It’s called melodrama. Kacie B. calls it a three-ring circus and it’s all because of Shawntel. Courtney likewise says it’s all Shawntel’s fault.

We come back from commercial and I guess we’re supposed to be relieved that Erika is still alive, like she’s recovered from some sort of actual malady that isn’t just “being a basket case.” Rachel says, “Erika’s looking like she’s going to make it through this rose ceremony, thank god.” Yeah, because NOTHING’S WRONG WITH HER. You know, besides whatever drove her to come on this show. “But that bitch better not get a rose tonight,” she finishes.

Everyone gets back into place, and Harrison has to come out again to make sure Erika’s OK. Then Ben starts talking about how emotions run high. “These decisions are getting really difficult,” he says, and then addresses the final women left: Erika, Jaclyn and Shawntel, praising each of them for various reasons. Then, kinda amazingly, he bags on all of them and says he’s not going to hand out the final rose. Kacie smiles, Emily makes an “Oh no he di’n’t!” face. Harrison comes out to ask if he’s sure; he is. Erika tries for another phony hyperventilating collapse while Jaclyn sobs and stomps off. Erika’s collapse draws much less sympathy from the others this time, while Lidnzi chases after Jaclyn to comfort her.

Ben goes back to toast the women and announce they're going to Park City, Utah. Just once I'd like the women's reaction to be collective disappointment. But they all respond like "Going to Park City, Utah" is on their leap list.

[Note: During the credits, there is a hilariously awkward scene that showed alone time between Ben and Erika, pre-rose ceremony, wherein the fainter showed Ben her weird lip tattoo and refused to notice any of his social cues to STOP TALKING. -- RS.]

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He really wishes Ben had given Shawntel a rose, if only to call the bluff of all the women who threatened to leave if he did. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.